So to try and keep this not too detailed...On Wednesday my dad broke up with his fiance of 10 years. I know that he had mentioned breaking up over the last couple years, but I never thought he would go through with it. I was a little shocked, but it's his life, whatever makes him happy. My relationship with the woman has been rocky, but in the last few years I've only had to see her at holidays and my kids' birthdays so it's been fine...she's still a little weird, but I don't dislike her...but wouldn't say she's my BFF either.
So yesterday, she shows up at my house out of the blue and drops off Christmas presents for my kids...I could tell she was trying to be positive, so I just said I was really sorry to hear about everything...and then she just broke down crying and said she was too and that she was going to miss us and gave me a big hug and then left.
So onto the awkward part. Last night she posts another FaceBook status, this time tagging me and my sisters in it, and saying how she was going to miss her 'wonderful family' and that she truly missed spending Christmas with us (typically we don't spend xmas with her, this was going to be a new thing).Then she also said she went and visited her amazing mother-in-law (my grandma...and they were never married, so not technically her MIL). My dad isn't even on FB so he doesn't know that she's throwing it out there for the whole world to see until someone tells him about it.
I really have no idea what to say to her post, or to her in general. I don't really want to comment on it because I don't want people asking me what happend. And I don't want to just 'like' it because that seems lame. But it feels like she's fishing for one of us to say something. It's funny how we were never 'wonderful family' until they broke-up. I do feel really bad for her because I know she doesn't want the break up and it's hard to see a 10 year relationship end, but I wish she would just leave me and my sisters out of it. I wouldn't mind staying in touch with her, I just don't want to act like I'm taking 'her' side or something like that.
Would you comment at all...or just leave it?
ETA: She has 4 of her own kids, all a bit younger than me, and I don't think she ever considered us her kids or her family, so she's not left without a family or anything like that...if that makes sense.
I also don't think she's blaming me for anything, I think she's trying to use me as a way to try to get in good terms with my dad or something...not even sure how that would work, that's just the impression I get
I could block her from FB, but think once the breakup isn't so new that maybe she won't be so crazy...I don't want there to be hard feelings, or to make her feel worse than she already does
ETA: Not that it really matters, but they were not engaged for 10 years. She proposed to him after 6 months and then she proceded to plan a wedding. He cancelled the wedding and said he did not want to ever get married again, not just to her but to anyone...this was 2 years into it. They also never lived together since she had her kids and job and didn't want to move. She very much knew what she was getting into and stuck around...while I wouldn't have...she did choose to. She still called herself his fiance because she didn't want to be just a girlfriend so I guess that is why I used that term. But they weren't engaged to 10 years.
And no, Jen C. this has nothing to do with seeing my Dad with another women, pretty sure we're well past that . My parents had a toxic relationship and I wish both of them nothing but the best with their new partners.
Thanks again all. Yea, probably best to just ignore it for now as I'm sure I'll see her around at some point and don't want it to be even more awkward then.
She's just grieving for the breakup. Just ignore it... let it go. You never know, they might get back together again.
Completely ignore it. That's not being unkind. You don't have to like anything or comment on anything. You've been nice to her, leave it at that.
You don't have to "block" her completely, but you can "hide" her so that you don't see what she posts.
Just ignore her posts. Completely. I don't see why you feel the need to comment or "like" her comments.... Just ignore them.
Ignore the post. I mean, do not reply or make any comments....
Do not read or assume anything, because you really have no idea what is going on in their relationship, you only really know the truth about your relationship with her.
We never know what may come.. They could get back together and it could make it awkward.. Or your dad could show up with one one new..
I have been through this with my own father.. Do not poke the bear..
Yeah, don't comment, and un-tag yourself in the photo.
I don't think you should un-friend her or anything like that, but I would just stay silent for now. That keeps you neutral.
Family/personal drama played out on FB is the worst, isn't it? :(
I think the less said the better. I wouldn't respond to it or would merely wish her a merry Christmas. Your dad may get back together with her, and you don't want anything coming back at you. At the same time, she may be trying to manipulate and have it appear that you have chosen sides, which you also do not want to do. I think in this situation,it is best to be as neutral and non-committal as possible.
I would just ignore at this point. Seriously no need to start a big brou-ha-ha on Facebook.
You are being kind without engaging. Perfect in my book.
ignore her FB post for now. Even if you thought the world of her it is inappropriate for her to drag you into the middle. Ignore. You don't have to block her just yet but you could make your settings so she is in less posts..... mark her as an acquaintance or something. After a little time you can decide whether to unfriend her.
Yes I'd say she's trying to use your family as an in back with your dad. I'd ignore the fb drama.
DO NOT address. On Facebook or otherwise. Her coming over and venting on FB is just that......her venting...getting it out of her system....mourning the relationship she has lost. DO NOT engage in any back and forth or consoling or apologizing or confronting. There is no such thing as a 10 year engagement.....that is silently understood or categorizedby both parties as "I don't know what this relationship is"....."I'm not just a girlfriend"......."I'm keeping her off the singles list"...."I'm giving her a ring to keep her quiet"...etc. There is just something not right about a woman who agrees to a 10 year plus engagement. There were obviously problems in the relationship to begin with and your dad just finally got the courage to leave. Do not involve yourself in something that has nothing to do with you. Support dad, ignore her. Eventually unfriend her from FB and you do not have to provide explanations as to why.
I would not respond to her. Let her heal her broken heart the way she wants. No harm to anyone.
I think she's a bit depressed (who wouldn't be) and she's acting a bit like we ALL probably have when being sad over a breakup! However, we're not teens anymore so sleeping in your ex's shirt or crying over "your song" on the radio have changed to weird facebook statuses.
I agree, just ignore the post. Don't unfriend her (in case your dad gets back together) just ignore her.
My FIL broke up with his girlfriend and she kept texting me over and over after the breakup. I think it's a way of her trying to stay connected to my FIL any way she canl. She wanted to know how to get him back, etc. I just comforted her and told her that we can still be friends, but let's not talk about my FIL. They got back together and then broke up later (they're like Junior High kids I swear!) so I'm really careful not to say anything bad about her to my FIL just in case they get back together again! I just listen when he bashes her and make understanding noises. When I get texts from her I just make understanding comments, but I don't agree or disagree.
So far it has worked--for 2 years! (Yes, they've been on and off for 2 years!)
Good luck!
You don't have comment on or line everything on Facebook!
Since you know she's missing your dad & his family, it might be nice if you send her a sincere Christmas greeting.
She's sad. Her life changed in a big way if she was with her for 10 years regardless of what she, or he called the relationship... it was still a relationship of an intimate loving nature for 10 years.
Cut her some slack. Regardless of her motivations she isn't trying to cause drama or anything... she's pry just vocalizing her thoughts. If it makes you uncomfortable ignore it. I don't see the harm in any of this to be honest. Break ups hurt terrible. If it's been a while since you had one you pry don't remember how raw and horrible they are when you love someone. Let her vocalize. She'll move on just like your dad did eventually.
Who knows, they might get back together....just delete her posts before reading anything for a while. Send her a thank you note (snail mail) for the gifts. If the break up turns out to be permanent, after a few months just unfriend her from you list.
If she calls or shows up at your home again, let her know in a nice way that you don't feel comfortable being put in the middle of what has happened between her and your dad.
Just ignore, do not comment or like.
I would start by un-tagging yourself in her post, and letting your sister know about it (if she doesn't already know), so she can have the chance to do the same. Would you consider blocking her from FB? At least then you don't have to see her nonsensical posts.
Let it go don't comment on it.
100% do NOT respond to her FB comments. To do so would only perpetuate the relationship, & it sounds as if you are not vested in it.
Whether you respond with regrets or oppose her comments, you will be sucked in. Stand back & let her life go on.....
& here's the story on my Evil Stepmom: we did okay for the 10 years of the marriage. Her personality was abrasive, she was a witch....but my Dad wasn't a saint, so we were thankful they were happy together. All thru the years, with family events, we invited her family. Each time she said "no".....& that they either couldn't afford the drive or would feel uncomfortable. (What it boiled down to was the fact that she considered them White Trash & was quite vocal about it. So Sad.)
The day my Dad died, the Evil One called me with the news. I immediately packed up, gathered my sons, made arrangements for my husband to finish out the rest of the necessities.....& hit the road for our Lake Home. When I got there, I walked into a houseful of her family. Not a single bed for us....WTH? (sigh) I told her I understood their need to be with their Momma....& left it at that. But it irked me that I busted our butts to get there...as I needed to be & as she requested. At any point, she could have called me to let me know we needed air mattresses.
From that day on, her family came first. When I walked in that night, it was to a funeral already planned....even down to the colors of the flowers. Struggling with my grief & having to battle the Evil Ones completely wiped me out.
& that's pretty much where you are: she's reaching out to what she has left, what she owns. She knows your Dad isn't on FB. She's presenting her case to those she has left. & mouthing to boot.
Walk away. If the relationship rekindles, you do not want to be in a position where your words are stuck in the middle. Peace & I wish you Joy this Christmas season.
I would block her posts from showing on my wall. If you want to see what she's posting you can go to her wall and read up on it. She won't be blocked from messaging you or posting something specifically to you.
This way you're still friends with her but she doesn't know you have her stuff blocked. I had a cousin who went through a phase where he used the "C" word in reference to his ex-girlfriend a lot, in every post. I didn't want to see that so I blocked his posts. Once he was over all that he went back to being normal and I unblocked them.
What Iyou need to do is hover your mouse cursor over her name. Then when the box pops up go to settings. In the top section of this you have the option of all posts, most important, or only important. Then under that you have a lot of options for Life Events, Status Updates, Photos, Games, Comments and Likes, Music and Videos, and Other Activity.
By selecting non of them except perhaps Games you won't see anything she posts except Games if she plays them. If she does then that IS NOT the one you'll want to check. I would not select any of them except Life Events. That way you'll only get her posts if she changes her relationship status, birthday, etc....something she'll change on her page.
If she messages you to tell you something is wrong, maybe she asked you a question and you didn't see it, you can tell her you don't know, you are still friends and you'll have to check it out.
I would probably just unfriend her or at least remove her from your news feed so you dont get drawn into the drama.
Ignore ignore ignore. Don't engage or take the bait. Don't even tell your Dad. I would probably hide all of her status updates, to be honest, since you're choosing not to unfriend her. Don't get involved. It's her drama.
Frankly, I hope she gets over your dad quickly. I can't believe she didn't get the hint that he didn't want to marry her after ten years of being "engaged." What a jerk move on your dad's part.
You can block her without her knowing. You'll b able to remain FB friends you just don't have to see her post or her see yours.
I would not say a word. I would act like I never saw it...
Just put her posts on "hide" for a while or post things she won't see. I would let it ride and not comment if you don't know what to say.
I would just do your best to ignore it. It is possible your dad has a change of heart at some point and that would really make for the awkward drama.
If she continues to post, you can change your FB settings so that no one can see her posts unless you approve them.
After further thought-- yeah, ignore it. (Changed my previous answer.)
You already commented to her in person.You said you were sorry. Let this one be. She needs to vent and is using FB to see if she can hook anyone. Don't fall for it---it is a combo of drama and pain all wrapped up in a painful package. Who knows what will happen--but that is for your dad to work out or not with her. GL
id stay out of it-no comments or anything on face book-its not your issue to deal with-shes hurt n angry-I would tell your dad though-just give him the heads up-maybe he can talk to her-or sometimes its just best to ignore this behavior-but I would ignore her comments on facebook-if she doesn't stop-block her.its not your baggage to contend with.
She was with your father for 10 years, it is perfectly normal for her at this point to consider you all family and even your grandma as mil (when you are with someone that long "marriage" is more of a legal thing). I think you may not really like this person (most have some issues with a new person in a parents life, that is normal since it is not mom or dad with the other parent) and you have projected that she must feel the same disconnect from you when she may very well really really love you and your sister and will miss you with all her heart. Don't discount her feelings as genuine just because yours don't match hers. IF you want to ignore her feeling or her, then do it, just unfriend her on Facebook, but don't discount how she feels or claim she can not feel that way just because you don't, we all experience life from a different perspective and in hers you were family.
Definitely do not respond on facebook in any way, shape, or form.
Just the other day, someone posted a very short and poignant response to a facebook related question. All it said was....
"Facebook is the devil".
Do you have a way of calling her?
If you do, I would tell her that you feel badly about things, but you would appreciate it if she didn't tag you on facebook about personal issues because it puts you in an awkward position. You don't want her to think you're ignoring her, but you also feel it's inappropriate to respond in such a public way and you hope she understands. If she tries to get into anything deeper than that, just tell her again that you're sorry, but you can't be in the middle.
I don't know all the circumstances, but I feel badly for her. I mean, who is "engaged" to someone for 10 years? Now they broke up (which may have been for the best, I don't know), and she's out the window. Ten years with someone and nothing. None of the benefits of having been married in all that time. It sounds like you don't even consider her "technically" family.
That's got to hurt.
This just happened. Exactly a week before Christmas.
So far, it sounds like the only thing she has said is that she will miss her family. That's probably true. It doesn't sound like she's slammed your dad or anything.
I would just give her a call, like I said, and hopefully she'll understand why you will not respond on facebook.
Just my opinion.
Best wishes.
Just ignore her.
She's having a drama by herself and is snaring everyone into it, by posting on Facebook.
Just ignore her.
She just had a break up. It is between her and your Dad.
ONLY.
So because she was just dumped, she is going through an emotional rollercoaster, which all people go through during a break up.
It just happens to be, during the Holidays.
Oh well.
Just ignore her.
Your Dad probably broke up with her now, because Christmas is soon, and he didn't want to keep leading her on and have another Christmas with her which would only be leading her on.
And he probably wanted to avoid the couple gift giving thing.
Which would be, leading her on.
So he broke up with her, before, Christmas.
Just ignore her.
I would untag myself and just have no comment. She has a right to express her feelings, but she does not have to right to force you to be involved. (I have my tags set up to ask my permission before they can be posted.)
I don't think your dad was a jerk as some other mama does. I think everyone has a right to move on or stay. On the other hand, I am guessing that this woman is age 50+. She feels that the male pool is empty and that she has little hope on finding another man. Life sucks.
I wonder if she is blaming your family for the break up in some way. Is she fishing for some confirmation by something you or one of your family members might say in reply? Right now your still in borderline but if it goes over you might have to say something like I'm sorry it did not work out between you two but maybe FB is not the place to be airing your dirty laundry. But be prepared she could be vengeful.
