A little background... As you all know, there are many types of daycare situations. There are total stay at play homes, stay and play centers, and there are homes that are geared toward preschools, and centers that are geared towards preschool. I am a family caregiver that tries to find a balance between the stay at play only and the preschool setting. I have never misrepresented myself to my daycare families. I am not the type to let the dishes and floors stay dirty all day so that I can do sit at the table activities all day long and then clean all night. Being open 7 days per week, 24 hours per day, I lean a bit more towards the stay and play and throw in as much computer learning and fun field trips as I can a long with table activities "sometimes".
My husband has always been a very critical person. It's just who he is. He insists that I should be 100% preschool all the time, even though he also takes for granted the hundreds of duties I serve in my own family and caring for our home and our children. It drives me crazy. But most of the time he's working, many, many days and hours so that we don't discuss it often. But he has shoved his beliefs down my daughters (all 4 of them) for years. He makes them believe on a regular basis that if I dare do anything for me, read a book, watch a show, or go to sleep earlier than they think I should etc.. I'm failing somehow to be all to all.
So yesterday was my birthday and tonight 2 of my daughters are supposed to take me out for dinner. My daughter has announced that she has a big announcement. My husband has been home on vacation and has been telling me that she's "sick of me" and going to put him in a preschool as soon as she can. I asked her right out about this. She says that's not the conversation they had, not in that context and that I should disregard what he said because I know he's mean. I don't even want to go now. But she says we'll just TALK and that she won't make her special announcement unless I'm there.
It would be just like her to have the boyfriends parents there and to announce something like they are getting married or that they are moving in together or that she is pregnant or something. Now that my husband has made me feel like a worthless piece of crud, I have ZERO desire to go.
Am I wrong for feeling like she wants to turn my birthday dinner into something that is either a gripe session towards me or something else that's just all about her?
Being a parent of adult children is HARD.
Just so we are all on the same page... I am NOT my grandchild's daycare provider. I am his grandmother. He is way on track for everything he should be learning and he is not the least little bit behind any place. He also asks for me CONSTANTLY and often chooses me over just about any other member of the family and sometimes even his own mom. I am NOT paid for watching him, never have, and never will be. So I do NOT need to answer to her for anything and she is right that my husband always does make things other people say sound worse to suit his own purposes. Or maybe he only hears the negative.
So, would you go?
Kimberly F,
You are right. I am wounded by my family. I can handle most anything people say and I don't ordinarily put too much weight on what others think. But when it comes to my business, I'm sensitive. No one can make everyone happy all the the time. But what gets me is that my husband has learned to twist the knife by saying that I'd have no daycare if people knew the real me. That's bunk. The real me is the person I am on here, the person I am in real life. I don't mince words. I am the way I am, good, bad, and indifferent. I LOVE my daycare and care for my daycare kids just like my own.
Sherry, I still have an eleven old at home, my mother, my 3rd daughter, and my grandson, 5 cats, 2 dogs, and a couple of birds. My credit is run up to the max. I don't earn enough money after business deductions to buy a house of my own and I can't rent a decent place that would allow my pets and my daycare. I also could not afford to run a daycare and keep my mother, 2 daughters, and a grandson in a small place, even if I could find a landlord willing. There's no way I can afford to support my family on my own and my 21 year old is not ready to move out, despite how much she wants to. I am as committed to my grandson as I ever was to any of my children and I respectfully disagree wholly with people that say she needs to be on her own. I will do anything and put up with any abuse from either of them to be with my grandson. Not to mention, my grandson worships his grandfather. He's a butt pretty often. But I'm sure I'm no princess :)
Oh, yes, I forgot to say that I went. We had a nice time. The big announcement was that she bought a plain ticket for my California daughter to come home. It's been more than a year since she's been home. She was here for our grandson's 1st birthday, but missed his 2nd. She's a student at San Diego state and never has any extra money.
Yes.
Go.
Have as many margaritas as you need to make it a happy birthday no matter what anyone says.
If anyone has an agenda just tell them "Good for you! Pass the pitcher - my glass is getting low!".
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go, and don't look at the negative of everything. It probably is something important to her, so she assumes it would be special to you to announce it on your birthday.
It sounds to me like you are really wounded by your family, children and husband.
If you can go without getting your feelings hurt by them then I say go but if you are going to go and be hurt by their words, I would find something fun and different and life changing to do for my birthday instead.
Even though your husband may have taught your daughters some things, what have taught them about how you desire to be treated? I'm always looking at my life and analyzing it. I try to discover where I may have had some of the responsibility for my own misery. I change myself and watch other people around deal with the new me for better or for worse.
I never depend on my family to make me happy or keep me happy or celebrate my birthday even though they do. I generally take the lead and let them know what I would like to do and where I would like to go and I am the captian of my own happiness. I learned that valuable lesson years ago.
Happy belated Birthday! I would go, but drive separately. That way, if things turn sour, you can just get up and leave. Hit Sonic or DQ on the way home and treat yourself to a milkshake.
Hope it turns out to be a wonderful dinner.
It's supposed to be YOUR birthday dinner, but daughter is planning to make a major announcement? How does that celebrate YOUR birthday? I think I would try to bow out. Then, I would call a "true friend" and arrange to have dinner with her/him. As for your husband, I can't imagine why a husband would revel in making his wife feel the way your husband makes you feel. I am truly sorry for that. As far as your four daughters, tell them to keep their opinions to themselves until they have walked one day in your shoes. You have probably made all that you do look easy because you do it so well so they don't really understand how truly difficult it is. If they have one word to say, invite them to spend just one day being you. If they don't accept the offer, then tell them to keep their mouths shut!
wow you seem to be in a very sticky and emotional situation at the moment. Since your daughter is using YOUR birthday dinner as her soapbox... then it's not really a birthday dinner and you can feel free to bow out. You can tell your daughter you need to discuss the situation between her and your husband BEFORE the dinner as well as ask her why she would choose YOUR birthday dinner as the appropriate time to give a major announcement.
Seems you are so busy keeping your nose to the grind for your work and family that communication is kaput and needs to be re-aligned.
Go, but be prepared for the evening to be shared. I know it's tough, but IF your daughter is engaged there's a chance that she wants to share the news with the whole family at one time.
For what it's worth, my sister got married on my mom's birthday because her future SIL threw such a fit about them getting married on her birthday. Sometimes as moms, we put ourselves second.
Not even going to comment on your husband's behavior because you know he's out of line.
Yes, you should still go. I don't think it will be a gripe session-your daughter(s) probably knows how much you do for everyone. Her announcement may be about her but that is okay too. Just go and try to enjoy and see what comes.
Yes I would go.
I'm not sure why she is choosing to make this 'announcement' at YOUR birthday dinner, but maybe its because she knew she'd be in a nice setting...
Think positive. Maybe its that she is getting married (hopefully you like the boyfriend!), or that she got a new job or a promotion.
Ask her to wait until after dinner for any announcement, that way the dinner part isn't ruined.
Think positive. It is your birthday!!
