Sister-in-Law "Stole" My Birthday Day

Can you call her and tell her as always, you were also planning on this weekend for a party? Then suggest you do a joint party for all three of them. Will save you both money and be fun for the kids.

I would calmly talk to her, if she already sent the invites she can not take it back. I agree with you, and I would be livid too.

I agree with the other Moms here -- I would take the high road and offer to go in on making the party for all three kids. (Rent a bounce house, snow cone machine, or pool party, or whatever is age appropriate for all kids) Since money is obviously an issue for her - sounds like she would appreciate that and likely accept -- and all of the kids would get that much better of a birthday experience.

It doesn't sound like she did this to be malicious - she's just in her own world and probably didn't really think about it. She didn't have the money for a 7 year olds party - that says a lot to me. She must be under a good deal of stress. Maybe, when you can without being angry.. talk to her. Let her know it really hurt your feelings that she set this party up without thinking of her nieces and nephew and their birthday and you would like to avoid this in the future.

Good luck!

OK forgive me but I have a totally different take on this. I don't understand the idea of it being a "competition" for who gets a certain date for a party. And who has these giant parties for their kids where every single relative comes? Every year? Really? For me a birthday party is for my kid's friends and my kid and immediate family. Other family can drop in on the actual birthday if they want etc. I guess I am not lucky enough to have a big extended family in the area. Anyway it sounds like they will have a party next year too, right? and the year after that...so what's the big deal? Either combine the parties, or do your party whenever you want and say dang, I already had a plan, etc. OR better yet, just plan YOURS on a different date since they already made the announcement.
This reminds me of when my brother and his wife were upset that we had my kid's 1 year old party on Christmas. He was BORN on Christmas! What the heck. I was baffled. They thought we were stealing their kids' Christmas. !!!!! All this sends such a greedy wrong message to the kids in my opinion.

I would give her the benefit of the doubt that it was not intentional, especially if there is not a history of her being vindictive. Plus, if you didn't send out invitations yet or inform anyone formally of the exact weekend you were planning to do the party then I'm not sure it's fair for you to assume that is your weekend. I would just ask her if you could share the day for a big party for all the kids or you could just plan yours for one of the actual birthday weekends. I hope it works out for all of you.

I would have an early or late party for your kids or maybe ask if you can just combine all three kids together. It's just a birthday party and nothing to get "livid" about. If this is your biggest problem then I would thank my lucky stars you have it so good and go with the flow--life is too short.

Hi K.,

I would combine the parties.

Blessings......

I would be annoyed, but give her the benefit of the doubt that she just wasn't thinking. You have a few options. Call her and see if she would be interested in a group party (she may actually be embarrassed that she forgot). Try to do something before or after hers, so that family can go from one to the next. Or pick another weekend. Let her know that you were going to have yours on the 16th (if she isn't okay with a group one), and the only other weekend that makes sense is the 22nd, sorry you won't be there, or do it the next weekend.

Unless she has a history of being vindictive, I would try to let it go, and don't let it ruin your relationship. After all, my in-laws can't seem to remember my son's birthday (their only grandchild) and are leaving the night before his party to go on a 3 week cruise, oh and missing the birth of the 2nd grandchild. Your situation may only move the party by a few hours.

Ok, in my imagination I would go scream and yell at her and duke it out and tell her she is not going to come to any more of anything at my house and then I will tell her what a dumbo she is, but of course this is a dream. Unless she is known for being a backstabbing, frothing at the mouth B word, it sounds like she goofed up or maybe she just didn't realize or think that it was a big deal to you. We used to have our parties on Labor day because my son birthday is Sept. 1 and my husband is Sept. 2 and my brother is Sept. 5. Well, we just got notified (yes this week, five months ahead of time that they are having the big party. In the meantime my son is planning to get married about the same time in another state. Now what to do? I really cannot influence my 25 year old son. And I cannot change anything so I will accept it and of course have to go to my son's wedding so we shall see. I guess that is part of having a big family. So perhaps you can try to enjoy it and make your party another time, although I know that was what would have worked out the best. We just have to kind of roll with the punches...She did totally bigfoot your weekend and you can smugly know that as you graciously allow her to spend all sorts of money and take your family on some great trip perhaps ? for the amount of money you would have spent.

She probably didn't think about it. I know I wouldn't think about it. We tend to think that everyone remembers our kids' birthdays when that's not the case. I have 17 nieces and nephew, I can't remember all their birthdays. Unless she is otherwise spiteful or a spotlight stealer, I think you just have to let it go. I recommend you all have a big joint party this year and enjoy the family that you have.

We do one weekend of the month family parties. The family is so big and everything is so busy that we just combine the parties. We have all the birthday parties for anyone that month all on the same day. I know you're nieces birthday party is not in the month of May, but maybe you can give her a call and say "Hey, I know you're doing her party but I always do the Sunday on between the two birthdays of my little ones, which happens to be the day you picked. I was planning on doing it this year, but haven't gotten around to sending out invites or making phone calls. Is there anyway we could do them all together? I can help pay for part of it and what not?"
She may jump on it because if she didn't have the money a few months ago, she may still be struggling a little or just welcome the help of paying without asking for it. You'd be surprised, I shared my birthday all the time growing up and found it just as exciting as having my own.

I personally think it is ridiculous to celebrate a March birthday in May/June...with that said...

a) Ask to combine birthday parties and share cost...but not cake. Have a separate cake for each child so they feel it's their day.
b) Have your party on the same day at a different time of the day.
c) I'm in the miniority here, I guess....people are not that stupid...she knows by now how you plan your kid's birthdays. Call her and ask her why she decided on that day--plain and simple.
d) This year have a special treat for each of the kids and let them have their own birthday on different days.

Good Luck in whatever you decide to do.

I understand your frustration, could you and you SIL have the party together. One big birthday paprty for all three children and just split the cost in 1/2 on cake, party favors, and activities? This way your children will still have their bday party in May and you don't have to foot the whole bill.

Updated

I understand your frustration my sister and my niece bday’s are 7 days apart and my niece is 5 years younger than my daughter so sometimes their parties were planned on the same day, so either we joined or one of us switched our day. With that being said, is there any way possibility that you and your SIL could join your parties and have one big party.If your children are around the same age I wouldn’t see any problem with having one big party. You and your SIL could split the cost in half on the cake, party favors, food, entertainment, activities. This way your children will have their party in May and you would not have to foot the whole bill.

Do you think she did it on purpose? She probably didn't think about it. Is it possible to do your party the same day, just before or after hers? We have a large extended family and I am always having to work around a certain family member. Half the time, she doesn't show after leaving an RSVP. So, I would just do what works for your family- your children. Hope it works out.

I would have the party on the 22nd or 29th and resume your tradition next year. If she's out of town for your kids' party then so be it, she'll miss out on the fun.

Just have a joint birthday party, it's not as big of deal as you may think it is. Since my birthday is on November 21, I've always had to have my family birthday party on Thanksgiving. I've also always had to share it with one of my cousins since her birthday is around that time as well and my aunt and uncle live in a different state so the only time they come visit is on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I've never had a problem sharing my birthday party with my cousin and with another holiday. My parents always celebrate with me privately on my actual birthday as well. They make me a nice dinner and give me 2 or 3 presents.

So on the 11th make whatever birthday boy/girl wants for dinner, and give him/her a few presents. Same on the 22nd. Then on the 16th everyone else can give their presents and celebrate the occasion. I highly doubt your kids will care that they have to share their day with their cousin, as long as they get cake and presents. Haha :)

Is it possible to combine the parties for all three kids?

I can see how that would be frustrating but if she's a busy mom like so many off us are, she probably spaced and didn't think about it. If she and her husband and the godparents to your children, you obviously have a close relationship with them. Do they seem like the type to "steal" a birthday weekend on purpose? If the surrounding weekends are busy she was just probably thinking of how to fit it all in. Her daughter has probably been begging for a party and she's trying to make it work.

If invites are already sent, there's no turning back on her part. Can't you maybe see if it can be a party for all 3 kids. If not, then what about the day after, she and her family may be leaving but that would still leave the rest of your family and friends.

If it was me this isn't something I'd make a battle out of. I would be frustrated probably, and if your relationship has other strains then I can see it being ever harder to deal with. But at the end of the day this is about your kids and their parties. So push it aside, pick your date and make the best party you can for your kids. And when you're at her party remember it's not a party for her but for your neice.

Sounds like something my sister in law would do. You received some good advice. Go with your gut!! When my SIL acts out of line, I usually make my husband handle her, and then it ends up a holy war. I think having a birthday 2 months later is ridiculous though.

Maybe you could approach her about doing a "family" birthday that day... If she had financial issues with it earlier in the year... she might appreciate you guys sharing the associated expenses for party decorations and food.

I will add this though, I get totally turned off by "standing" dates for family functions. My mom's family "always" schedules the family reunion around the first weekend in May. Well... often other things come up... but we get the guilt trip if we don't show at the reunion b/c "you knew it would be that Saturday" (we live within driving distance). I don't like that weekend. It has never been convenient for us. Our kids are still in school, my husband is working (yes on Saturdays) and out of town family often wants to come stay with us for that weekend. We love the company and our family, but there is a lot to do to cook for company and a reunion and my husband's work schedule and the kids are still in school with projects and homework, etc. etc etc. And extended family always wonders where my husband is. Just because he knew it would be in May, he isn't going to put in a leave request every year. Sorry. I wasn't consulted about when the "standing" date was decided upon.

So, really, all I'm suggesting is that maybe rather than your sister "bigfooting" "your" weekend, she was just doing what worked best for her family this year. Can you be big enough to let it go? I would try to see it a little more from her perspective here. How old are your kids? Maybe you could have a birthday party with their friends this year instead of a big "family" get together.

I dunno what to tell you , except that my SIL waited to have her daughter on my daughters Bday. So now my niece and my daughter have the same birthday. we haven't figured out how to get around the same birthday party thing yet.

I honestly don't get why you are so upset. It is just a day. There are other days you can choose. Why not May 15? It's a Saturday, which I think is a much more appropriate day for a party. People don't have to feel rushed to leave because they have to go to work the next day.
If Saturday doesn't work for you there is always May 9th. This is before either of your children's birthdays so neither should feel like it is for one child over the other.

Note: I haven't read all of the responses....

Hmm. Why would you send invitations to a March birthday, being held in Mid-May, in mid-April? Odd.

I would call and ask her if she meant this Friday April 16, and made a typo. If she says no, then you can play it one of three ways.

1. If she's already got a place reserved, and paid for, you could just attend the party, and then bring a cake for your girls.

2. Ask if you can combine parties. Especially if she already has a place reserved. Although you may have to split costs.

3. Decline her invitation due to the fact that you were holding a party for your girls that day. The problem with that is that your parents and brother would then have to choose between grandchildren. Not fun, and the cousins would probably get hurt feelings because of it.

Would it be possible to hold your family party on Sat. May 15, and then just have a dinner with your parents on a different night? Or maybe they can bring the presents for your girls to the party on the 16th, but officially its 2 different days/parties?

Depending on the time of her party, if you are heartset on having it on the 16th, could you hold something for your girls either before or after that?

Yikes, not a good move on her part. It sounds as though she dragged her feet on this one then realized she better have the party before June came along, and also had a difficult schedule, trying to get your parents to attend and coordinating with their vacation.

From an etiquette point of view too - ouch - inviting people two months after a birthday looks like she just wants to get the gifts no matter what. Unless of course there are extenuating circumstances like family illness, travel or the birth of a child that would have kept the family from celebrating her daughter's birthday earlier.

The invites have been sent and sending your own might not work, unless of course one party is in the morning and the other in the afternoon and you live close by.

This happens a lot with children of divorced parents and holidays - one solution we've found is to alternate holidays, or if it's the same one, we celebrate with one side of the family one day and the other, the next. The worst experience we had though was when simultaneous invites were sent out by dueling inlaws for our rehersal dinner and a private family dinner, with both my parents invited. We tried to do both but it was a disaster!

So, take the high road and schedule your daughter's paty for another time (if another date is truly impossible) or schedule it on May 23rd, when your partents can attend. If your sister in law says they can't go because they'll be away, you can say there's no other date you could do it as the 16th was taken (hint, hint, brickload of hints).

I'd be upset, too, but I fully admit my reactions to many things are a little beyond how most people would react.

It's unfortunate she chose this weekend - none of us really know her intentions. But, there are times you have to keep the peace. I am one of 3 daughters - all of our birthday are within 5 weeks of one another's. My oldest sister's is a week after mine and frequently fell on Father's Day. She learned to share.

I'm sure your daughters will understand either having to not have that side of the family there (if you stick to your original plan) or having to make accommodations (and change the date).

At the end of the day, it's about your daughters, celebrating their birthdays and their lives.

My son got lost in the shuffle for his second birthday because I was diagnosed with cancer the day before. My birthday was 2 days later, and I've never had such a wonderful celebration - my eyes were so much more open to what was important and how I wanted to celebrate things. We sometimes get distracted by what's important - in this case, it's those 2 amazing daughters.

If they're old enough, is it an option to ask them how they'd like to move forward under the circumstances?

Hmmmm...that would definitely annoy me, too. But it could really be an oversight, right? Why don't you give her a call and remind her that you always throw your kids' party on that weekend. Could you all possibly share a birthday party this year? Obviously she's not going to usurp your kids' weekend every year since her daughter's birthday is in March. I think to keep family harmony, it's best to be cordial about it. Good luck, K.!

I don't think there's anything you can do except plan earlier next year.

There is not much you can do now since the invitations have already gone out. If I were you I'd have your childrens party on May 1st. You may also want to talk to her about your feelings being hurt because you had planned to have your children's party on that date, just like you do every year......so this way it doesn't happen again.

Have your children's bday whenever you want to. Send out invites for the day and time you want. Enjoy.

I can see why you are ticked off. My sister last year, decided to plan her family vacation and invited my mom to go with, but never told my mom when it was planned for. Well, it happened to be on the exact same day as my daughter's birthday. She claimed she had no idea, and like you, she is my daughter's god mother. I'm sure she did it on purpose and I vowed to plan a family vacation when she decides to have her kids birthday parties. Everyone told me to get over it and move on (obviously, it's never happened to them because it's not easy).

In your case, I would explain to your family member that you really want to attend your daughter's party to please rsvp no to her because it's your kids birthday party.

I truly think people like your SIL and my own sister are extremely self centered. If she had any respect for you, I would think she would have run it by you before she decided to plan it.

Still have your party and hope everyone will attend your party and not hers. (I know, a lot of people will not like my answer - but I'm sticking to my beliefs here) :)

Good luck.