Would You Ever Have This Person over Again?

it sounds as if you're both behaving badly.

but i give you more of a pass, since you're post-partum and have a sick baby.

it sounds as if there should have been WAY more communication beforehand. like, 'mom, i'd love to have your help during your visit. two kids is a lot to adjust to. would you be more comfortable dealing with the 4 year old or the baby? would you be willing to take over the cooking (shopping laundry bathtimes whatever) while you're here?'

expectations might have been more realistic.

but done is done. at this point you have to salvage the next two weeks (and woo! that's a long time to have any house guest let alone a diffficult one!)

instead of snapping at her, or trying to 'catch' her doing stuff that makes you nut up like Facebooking or doing her hair, you may need to have a calm, kind discussion.

'i'm sorry i went off on you, mom. i'm exhausted and hormonal, as you may remember from having babies yourself. yes, this is your vacation and i want you to have fun. but this isn't a vacation time period for me, it's overwhelming. if you can't help me out, okay, but i also need you to not contribute to my work. i won't expect you to play with Lulu or bathe the baby, but i also can't take you places or cook and clean up after you. so you enjoy yourself, cook and do your own dishes and laundry, and i'll be taking care of the babies.'

it will still be uncomfortable but if you all have your expectations lined up, it may be bearable.

next time she wants to visit just have her for a couple of days, and find her a hotel for the rest of the time.

good luck, hon.

khairete
S.

This sounds just awful, and it's even worse because you're sleep-deprived, hormonal and postpartum.

I would not "go public" and say nasty things about her to her Facebook friends. First of all, it's vindictive (understandable but vindictive - you'd be engaging in the same behavior you hate about her). Secondly, she's going to be in your house and even angrier and more critical? I wouldn't do that at all.

She's on vacation, in her mind. She'll probably tell her friends she was a huge help to you, but so what? The decent people will figure out that she's only talking about her sight-seeing and not the kids, and the photos are all of the places she's seen and not the kids. So they'll figure it out on their own. The people who aren't decent? Well, who cares what they think?

Are you positive you cannot afford the ticket change? It might not be an entire ticket, just a fee for changing the date on the ticket she already paid for. I'd look into that. Then I'd put her in the car with her suitcases and have your husband take her to the airport and leave her there. Yeah, she'll be mad, but she's kind of already mad, right?

Otherwise, I'd see if I can pull some money together to get a sitter or Mother's Helper for your 4 year old, and some cleaning/laundry help. If you can bring in another relative like your husband's sister, great. You have a baby so you can walk out of the room to pretend to breast feed if she gets nasty. I also think you could consider going to a hotel for one night, just to have quiet. I know it's a big operation to pack stuff for a baby, but you need to sleep if you can without stressing about her. See if you can bring in some meals for your family. Stop worrying about her diet - she's a grown and able-bodied woman and apparently she's out during the day, so she can pick up her special foods.

You're right that your children are your responsibility, and she'd be miserable to argue with anyway. Can you scale back on some of the cleaning? I mean, if your 4 year old trashes the room, just throw stuff in a big laundry basket and deal with it later.

I wouldn't make a decision now about whether to ever let her back in your home. You don't have to decide now. You're tired, you're emotionally worn out. Let it go. Just decide that you will not invite her for a very, very long time and leave it at that. And don't accept any announcements that she's "coming and that's that." Tell her a visit won't work, and don't go picking her up at the airport again if she defies you. You can't change her - you can only change how you respond to her. If she doesn't come again, it doesn't sound like you'll be missing much. I'm sorry for you but I know what it's like to have family members it's just not healthy to see. You will feel better when you let go.

Good luck.

Ugh, why did you invite her for a visit if you expected help? Yes, I understand that some grandparents love to help cook, clean and babysit but clearly she was never this way before so why are you expecting it now?
Just enjoy your baby and don't worry about catering to her. Stay in bed if you want and let your husband make dinner and take care of your older child. Stop worrying about keeping a perfect house. That's what most of us do. I had three kids in six years with ZERO help and I got through it, as most of us do.
My own mother wasn't very maternal at all so I never expected it with her grandkids and I certainly didn't get in a "rage" over her not acting the way I had hoped she would.
If you don't enjoy her company or having her around then don't invite her back, but don't assume she's there for you to assign chores to either.
Time to grow up and manage your own house.

My mom is like this when she visits. She wants to do touristy things. She usually does not engage with the kids in the evening and gets on Facebook on her phone. But I handle it differently than you do. I don't expect anything more from her. I see her as a flawed person and I just laugh about it with my husband later bc it's so ridiculous. I will encourage her to go have some quality time with her grandkids and go play a game with them...but she usually turns that down. I basically expect this behavior from her and I don't expect her to turn magically into a better mom and grandma...it's not who she is. She has always been self centered. I just go about my business the best I can and I remind myself that she won't be around that much longer. Even though she drives me crazy I still will miss her when she is gone. This thought helps me be more patient with her.

I think that you are placing an awful lot of blame on your mother. It is even clear from your title, where you refer to your mother as "this person."

You thought your mother came to help. Your mother thought she came for a visit/vacation. Don't vilify her for her or your lack of communication. It is equally both of your fault, not just hers. Additionally, you are clearly unfairly angry at her for things that have nothing to do with her visit (stuffy newborn with a diaper rash that you are breastfeeding) All those things would be exactly the same even if she wasn't there.

Rather than complain to your husband and his family members, or even more childish, rant on Facebook, why didn't you just sit down with your mother and solve the problem?

Too late now - you are too angry to come back from this and really are just looking for another opportunity to prove how your mother has let you down. I feel very certain that you are capable of at least covering the change ticket fee to send your mother back home.

There's a difference between having someone over and having someone as a guest in your home for weeks at a time. IMO, home visitors after someone has given birth are there to help out, they're not guests. Guests are unwelcome at such a time.

I would leave open the option of having some visiting time with her if she makes her way to your area again, but I wouldn't have her stay with you. If she's on vacation, then she can stay somewhere else, do what she wants, and perhaps have an afternoon or dinner together.

Sorry that she let you down, that must be tough to so obviously need help and not get it from your own mother. Congrats on your baby and I hope you're able to settle in and enjoy things a bit when she's gone!

People don't really change, nor do relationships if the people haven't.

There wasn't respect or boundaries before. You've had a break, and another child - but nothing else changed. So now you're dealing with the consequences unfortunately, when you're hormonal (understandable), exhausted, and frustrated.

I would just let it go for now, and deal with it later - personally.

My MIL did something very similar when we had our first - she wasn't staying with us, mind you, but she lived close by and felt it was all about her, and was very self involved. It was shocking to me because I had never spent much time with her before. Suddenly - it was like MIL overload. My MIL told me to wait until I could deal with it later, and not let my MIL ruin the first days of my new baby's life. She wanted me to just focus on that special time - and not my MIL. It was great advice.

Let your husband deal with your MIL. Get him to give her tasks that are far from you. Get him to give her a grocery list. On her way back from sightseeing, get her to pick up a few items. After she's gone to see a local site, she can take your daughter to the local park for 45 minutes to give mommy a break.

That way, she can sit with a coffee and a magazine, and maybe that's all she's interested in. Maybe she's not going to change diapers (doesn't sound like it). Maybe you need to adjust your expectations. I would.

I would just leave her to your hubby, and get her out of your house as much as you can - out of your sight.

Don't get upset. She is not what you needed for help - so in future, no I wouldn't have her for help. She can stay in a hotel next time - that's fine. Worry about that later - let it go for now. Honestly. Focus on your baby. Dad can look after daughter. Dad can give Grandma one task (that she won't hate) a day - that will work with her personality.

Don't confront. Just let it go - get through the time until she leaves. If she's annoying you with the Facebook, just leave the room, take a moment. You can do this. Just remind yourself that not everyone has super helpful moms. I have one - but my MIL has been challenging. A lot of women have been through what you're going through (trust me, we get a lot of these questions). Good luck :) Congratulations on your baby!

Yikes! She sounds extremely selfish.
To come to her daughters house with a 4 year old and newborn and say she's on vacation?
Wow. Try and keep your cool, but I wouldn't welcome her back in your home.
If she wants to visit again, send her a list of nearby hotels.
You don't need to tolerate that behavior. Her being your "mother" doesn't give her a free pass.
And no, keep it off facebook.

Updated

Yikes! She sounds extremely selfish.
To come to her daughters house with a 4 year old and newborn and say she's on vacation?
Wow. Try and keep your cool, but I wouldn't welcome her back in your home.
If she wants to visit again, send her a list of nearby hotels.
You don't need to tolerate that behavior. Her being your "mother" doesn't give her a free pass.
And no, keep it off facebook.

You and your mom had very different ideas about how this visit was going to go down.
I think she was curious about the new baby but didn't really want to be involved.
She's using you as a free motel and taking a vacation.
Her purpose for staying with you is not for helping you out in any way.

I'm a big believer in using hotels when visiting family - both when they visit me and when I visit them.
I would never have anyone visit while I had a newborn - not for a good several months.

I'd tell her she needs to pack her bags and get a hotel room for the remainder of her visit or she can try to switch her flight home to an earlier flight.
If she gets a hotel room you'll see her for a few hours around supper time every day and what she does for her other meals and the rest of her day is up to her.
She can rent a car so she can get around.
Don't shy away from confrontation.
Your house, your family (hubby and kids) - you are queen in your own domain.
Blame it on hormones if you want to but she can leave now.
You do not have to be her bed and breakfast till Nov 5th.

She'd never stay over in my house again (but then I don't allow anyone to do that anyway).
Hotel is the way to go - and she can book a visit that way - at her own expense - when ever she wants.

I’m astounded that people are chiding you about not establishing expectations with your mother for her visit when you have just had HER GRANDCHILD. What kind of mother/grandmother comes to stay for a month and only wants to be a tourist? Doesn’t want to hold her grand baby or play with her other grandchild? Expects you to do all the work after birth? Won’t lift a finger to help? There is no love there. She’s not acting like a mom or grandmother. She’s acting like a diva.

Just awful! The next time she wants to visit, tell her that it’s better for you both for her to rent a hotel room. And let her pay for it. Stand your ground and don’t put up with this behavior again.

What we've got here is failure to communicate...

The problem is that you each had a very different set of expectations. She expected to come and visit as a guest. You expected her to come to help. Neither of you told the other of your expectations in advance and now you are both upset. But here's the thing: It is perfectly reasonable to be a guest when you visit someone. I used to live in a place where people liked to be tourists. Guests would come and stay with me, visit the touristy stuff, and I would never expect a guest to cook for me, do my laundry, or change my baby's diapers.

It's only a problem in this case because you did not expect to have a guest. I'm not saying you are wrong - in some families, the tradition is that when a person (especially the new grandma) visits after the birth of a new baby, that person is there to help. I understand that this would be great, but your family did not have this tradition. You expected your mom to fill this role without saying so in advance. So, I understand your disappointment but don't think your rage is justified.

As for the future, if she wants to visit again, remind yourself that when she visits, she expects to be treated as a guest. If you have the time, energy, and desire to have a guest visit you, do it. If you don't have the time, energy, and desire to have a guest, say no. The trick to happiness to make your expectations match what is actually going to happen.

I would need to know what the expectations were for her visit - was she coming out to help you or coming out for a visit after 3 years?

You obviously did NOT set the expectations PRIOR to her visit. It's obvious you don't "like" your mom. That's hard. I would see about getting her an earlier flight home. Tell her it's not working out for you and your family, you expected more or better help from her and you're not getting it.

DO NOT AIR YOUR DIRTY LAUNDRY on facebook. that's wrong on so many levels. Stop.

I wish I had my mom. She died 5 years ago. However, my mom is NOT your mom. I sorely miss my mom and had a great relationship with her.

You and your "mom" aren't in a 'relationship' - you've never built one it seems. It's been adversarial and it appears you really don't "CARE" about your mom - there doesn't appear to be ANY LOVE there. You are disgusted by her and her behavior, you don't see her as MOM - you see her as "this person".

In regards to your son? I would start pumping to see what kind of milk you are getting out - if it's taking forever to get him to sleep by sucking on your breast? He's NOT getting full on your breast milk. PUMP and see what you are getting out. You can put it in a bottle and feed him. If your husband is putting him to sleep with a bottle of breast milk? My point is made.

Let your "mom" go. Get a plane ticket for her to leave earlier. Tell her that your expectations of her "visit" are different from hers and you really can't be caring for a newborn AND her.

As others have said, the problem is that the two of you had very different visions of what her visit would be like.

Her expectation wasn't completely off base and it doesn't mean she is a narcissist. I don't expect my house guests to cook or clean. I encourage them to sightsee. My only expectation is that they clean up after themself.

Your expectation wasn't wrong either. Caring for a newborn is hard and an extra hand is helpful.

You needed to be clear up front what you expected and you didn't do that. And instead of calmly discussing it with her you snapped. She snapped back because that is her normal way of communicating.

At this point, you need to try to do damage control. She may not be willing to change his diaper-- and that is ok. But will she hold him while you prepare supper? Is there a local attraction that your daughter enjoys that your mom would be interested in? If so, can your husband take them there? Or can your husband watch the baby while you and your daughter go to a nail salon with her? If you can find easy ways for her to interact but still be doing 'her' things, you may kindle that relationship.