What Did Your Helpers *Do* After You Gave Birth?

Lemme get this straight...

She wants to take the baby from you so you can cook/clean/host guests???

Back. Wards.

Wrong.

No bueno.

I didn't have any helpers, and I really would not have appreciated having anyone staying in my home, unless they were planning on taking over cooking and cleaning for me. I exclusively breastfed until my babies started solids at six months, so a helper would have not been able to help with feeding. I would not have her come and help if she is just going to create problems.

My MIL came from CA for @ weeks. Basically she cooked and cleaned while I took care of the baby, which was wonderful, but I wish she hadn't come. I didn't feel comfortable having people around and frankly wished it was just me, hubby and baby.

My sister told me when I was pregnant - there are 2 kinds of people who come after a baby is born. Some people come to help, and some people come to hold the baby.

It was so true - certain people who came to 'help' were more work than help. It's just the way it is. And mostly what they did to help was just hold the baby all the time when I wasn't nursing and then expected me to have dinner on the table. I actually appreciated being able to say "oh, look, it's time to nurse" while I took the baby back.

The people who really want to HELP are glad to do anything you ask, including the laundry, making meals, cleanging, etc. Since your MIL has already turned this down, assume that she's really going to be there to simply hold the baby anytime you aren't, and not to actually help at all.

This might sound backwards, but what I did was have the "holders" come immediately after the baby's birth, from day 0-7. The first 3-4 days of this are in the hospital, so most of the visiting was there (although I came home from the hospital to a sink full of dirty dishes since they were staying at my house). Babies are often pretty sleepy during the first week, so the visitors can spend a lot of time just holding and rocking in between feedings. And any entertaining of these high-maintanence people was done by my husband (eg, he picked up a lot of takeout for dinner).

I had the people who really wanted to help come on days 8-15 or later, because that is when the adrenaline wore off, the hormones were crashing, I was exhausted, and I needed someone to help with laundry, meals and yes, even holding and rocking the baby to sleep while I napped between feedings.

As for your MILs behavior right now - I'd ignore it. Hold firm, and try not to discuss it. When the time comes, she'll want to be there to hold the baby, and she will deal with it when it's feeding time and you take the baby to nurse. Make sure your husband is on board to feed her and meet her other requests.

Just make sure you don't have any bottles or formula in the house (or hide them if you do). I have actually heard of people secretly feeding a baby formula while the mom is napping, with the excuse of "But the baby was hungry, and you're so tired I didn't want to wake you". But if there are NO bottles in the house, this hopefully won't happen!

"Well, MIL, if you were lactating, I'd gladly let you nurse the baby, but since I'll be the only one lactating and breastfeeding is the healthiest method of feeding a baby human, I guess I'm the only one who will be doing the feedings." Now, would I REALLY say that to my MIL? No, not unless she REALLY needed to hear it.

What I would say is, "I am sorry that you aren't interested in helping with the areas where I will need help. If it works better for you feel free to wait a few weeks to visit so that I can have some breastmilk pumped so that you can give her/him a bottle of it." I'd leave the ball in her court after that.

I'm not sure I would want someone staying with me under the guise of being a helper, when they are that undermining about something as important as BF. The stress alone would probably cause milk problems.

That is a very mean and self-centered thing to say to a new mom, that she, your MIL, is left with the dirty work. What a nasty one you have there. The baby needs to be by you, with you and fed exclusively by you. She should happily do every thing else, or not come at all.

But since it looks like she is coming, I would highly recommend you make a 'Helper' list and tape it to the refrigerator: Prep for meals, dishes, laundry, light dusting, setting the table, etc.

Your MIL is acting like a toddler. You are feeding your baby as only you can. She'll have to get over it. Frankly, what you are going to need most is someone to help cook (and clean, if possible). If she's not willing to do that, then she'll be a hindrance instead of a help. At that point, try to minimize the length of her stay.

Good luck (and congratulations on the new little one)!

I don't want anyone around after having a baby save for hubby,

My mom made us a dinner the night I had my last child (i homebirth, so I'm home immediately). besides that, she has been taking the older two kids once a week for a few hours.

But Ill be honest, I don't like anyone around. My mother does burb the baby, but besides that, she does nothing. She is too high maintenance. In fact, after I had my second child, I didn't let her visit for well over a week.

I'd make sure my MIL wasn't around much, if I was you. She seems to think it will be her baby. My mom was like that with my first. It wasn't' pretty when I told her she had to back off and that the baby was mine. But you need to set boundaries.

When I first brought my baby home, I didn't want anyone there with me. Of course, they want to hold and feed the baby! Who wouldn't?! But their job is to help you with what YOU need. In the first couple of weeks, there just isn't that much baby maintenance that you need. YOUR relationship with baby is most important, and any helper should be there to ease the burden of all the other stuff that you might have on your plate. Unfortunately, many helpers see their job as keeping baby out of your hair while you tend to all the grunt work. If that's all they want to do, that comes much later. Right now, tending to baby for them is not the objective. It's a sweet perk that comes with helping out with other stuff while you are learning and bonding with your baby. Right now, she should be nowhere near the spotlight. Schedule her overnight visit for when the baby's a year old.

ETA: Just read your SWH. Why is everyone gonna be there all at once? If it weren't for your mother acting as your guard, I woudl say that this is way too much. I still think that it is too much fo ryou to have to even think about while you are trying to bond with baby. Too much energy going in different directions in your house. And then when you are too stressed or distracted to nurse (and it DOES make a difference), your MIL will say "I told you so" in the nastiest ways she can think of. Maybe your personality and dynamic with your husband is such that a hurricane would form if you protest this visit, but I really think that you should. Your husband is hoping that this will change his mother just like wives hope that new babies will make their husbands want them. It. Ain't. Gonna. Happen. Before the baby actually arrives is the best time to set your boundaries. Otherwise, you'll always be playing catch-up and second-guessing, and she'll swoop right in and take over, and your husband will see her involvement as nothing but helpful, so your complaints will fall on deaf ears, and then he'll be annoyed with you, and you will feel overwhelmed with taking care of baby and keeping the peace, and baby will sense your stress and cry all the time...and you'll be on a neverending cycle that has you feeling like a failure as a mother and, eventually, wife.... All because you refused to put your foot down now. Around pregnancy/childbirth is really the best time for you to put your foot down about things that you want to change. It is the only time when--oh, also when you're on your period, but mostly just pregnancy--you can pitch a fit and get what you want without much of the backlash. It seems that you want to avoid that, so you should take advantage of this unique opportunity. This is the one time when you can say, "This is the way that I need it to be," without having to pound your chest and resort to tears. Although your husband supports you--and what does that look like exactly? He parrots your sentiment? Does he speak up when it's not just you and him?--that is his mother, and his focus is more on keeping the peace than making sure that your needs are met. This doesn't make him a bad guy. It just looks like you are in denial about what your actual needs are and what he'll do to meet them. His forcing his mother on you and insisting that she will change once the baby is here is kinda bullying. He doesn't want to hurt his mother's feelings, so he'll sacrifice a little of your peace. He thinks that being physically present will make a difference, but what will he do in the moment when his mother wants to take the baby from your arms? I think that he'll try to convince you that you need your rest, anyway, and she hasn't held the baby at all in the last few hours, so it would actually make sense for you to let go. Your husband and his mother will ultimately be deciding how you get to bond with your baby. For the best nursing experience, your baby will need to stay skin-to-skin with you even when not feeding. How will you convince them to let you do that? To them, it'll look like you're just hogging the baby. In the first few weeks, you're supposed to hog the baby. You're supposed to spend all of your time learning how to meet your baby's needs. This is not the time for other people to bond with your baby. Not that you need a reason, to hold your baby but they won't let you get away with that. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN NOW, if you want to establish control over how this thing goes. Listen to the women here who have been through it and can see it coming a mile away.

Oh - don't buy into your MIL's little hissy fit.
She's trying to manipulate you.
She won't ignore you forever and you'll have a bit of peace and quiet until she comes round again.
This is YOUR baby - MIL does not get to set the rules of engagement.

It was just my husband and me when our son was born.
My Mom didn't come to visit for a few months - she had a horrible experience when I was born and family members came to visit and insisted on being waited on hand and foot - and she didn't want any of that to happen for me.
I breast fed and Hubby helped with everything I needed help with - cooking, laundry, taking us to Dr's appointments, he rocked the baby when I was taking naps or taking a shower.
One time - it was 2am, and our son (was about a week old) had been crying all day (it seemed like it had gone on longer than 24 hrs) - my Hubby took us on a car ride around the airport - our son slept JUST FINE in a moving car - so I could have a little bit of quiet.
Soon as we pulled into the driveway and stopped the car our son went right back to crying again - but it was such a sweet thing to do.
Hubby stayed home with us for a month (he'd built up and saved all his vacation time) and I don't know what I would have done without him.
We didn't really get into a schedule till child was about 8 weeks old.

Ugh, how annoying! Mom's and MIL's should realize that what really helps a new mom out is a cooked meal, or someone to clean the house up. In the first month with my first child, I actually found that I didn't need much help other than for someone to occasionally change a diaper or hold the baby. The reason was because I breastfed the baby, and in the first 3 months they feed a lot! or at least mine did. So, it was easier for me to just hold the baby for the most part. I think you're right in telling your MIL that she can help with changing and burping the baby, those aren't really dirty jobs.

All the doctors, nurses, pediatricians strongly encourage breastfeeding because it's really best for baby. Whatever you do, don't give up on breastfeeding or pump/bottlefeed too often just to keep MIL happy.

If it makes you feel better, my MIL would basically sit and hold the baby the entire time she visited...which was nearly everyday because she lived close by while I cleaned the house and cooked dinner for everyone as well as cleaned up! I also had to constantly remind her to NOT drink hot tea while holding the baby, drove me crazy!! In hindsight, I should have been sitting holding the baby while someone cooked me dinner...I was the one who hadn't slept in days!! We've since moved, and my relationship with MIL is better for it!

I turned down all offers of help. I preferred to not have people around. Also, I don't have visitors spend the night in my house. We don't have a guest room on purpose.

I suggest you decline their help and don't let them stay with you. Set boundaries NOW because it only gets harder later.

wha? She sounds nutty!
The baby doesn't need to be taken care of really. They eat (which you will be doing the feedings) and they poop and sleep. Sooo....she gets to change his/her diaper and rock the baby to sleep if the baby didn't fall asleep at the breast.
THEN....
-Laundry
-Cleaning
-Dishes
-Dinner
-Grocery shopping
-Making you breakfast and lunch
-driving you and baby to dr. appointments and pediatrician appointments
-Get older children (I don't know if you have any) to school, picked up, and sports events.

The whole idea of having someone to help after the baby is born is for them to HELP since you shouldn't be doing much of anything. Especially if you have a C-section. If your MIL is not willing to be a helper and your husband has to get to work (which mine did after 3 days) then maybe your friend that you mentioned can come over and help you for a couple of weeks.
MIL doesn't want a crowded house? MIL can help.
L.

I would suggest not having "helpers" for the first couple weeks. That way you can get into a routine. My "helpers" did not stay at my house. A short visit 3-4 days would be way more than I would want with a new baby in the house. Helpers should be there to make YOUR transition easier. My helpers did laundry, cleaned, cooked, and then spent time helping with the baby. You need to set limits and expectations. Good luck and I hope you can get this all worked out.

My mother lived with us for nearly a month after both of our children and we could not have survived happily without her. Yes, it was stressful but it was also a blessing. I was an anxious mess the day she got back on the plane to go home... my MIL stepped in after (but in a much less active role).

My mother's theory on the whole thing was that it was "her job" to take care of everything else while I took care of the baby.
- all of the cooking
- cleaning
- laundry
- errands
- grocery shopping
- thank you notes (I wrote them, but she kept track)
- hostess to visitors (tea and cookies "magically appeared"
- got stuff in the freezer so we had food long after she left
- with my second, she did drop off and pick up with my older one and took him someplace "fun" or "special" each afternoon so that he knew he was still important
- hung out with my husband while I was exhausted and asleep at 8
- she took the "late shift"... I would feed the baby around 10 and then she would keep that little bug awake as long as she could so that when the baby finally fell asleep we had 3 or 4 hours of uninterrupted nighttime sleep. THIS WAS INVALUABLE.
- Got up with me in the middle of the night (c-sections both times) so that my husband could get enough sleep to function during the day at work
- changed countless diapers

Really... she did absolutely everything except nurse my children. She held and played with them all the time while they were awake and often let them sleep on her chest for a few hours (they slept longer that way) so that we could all get some rest.

I'm sure that I am leaving things out, but nursing is really the LEAST of what a baby needs.

My MIL didn't live with us b/c she lived about 15 minutes away. After my mother went home she:
- visited 2 or 3 times a week bringing lunch and several dinners for the week
- took care of the baby every Wednesday afternoon so that I could take my older son to swim lessons
- called on her way to see if we needed anything from the grocery store
- took care of the baby so that I could get a hair cut... amazing!! Left enough milk for a feeding and went BY MYSELF for 2 hours. Heaven!
- Brought little toys over for my son and his favorite snacks as a treat

Bottom line... for a month my mother did EVERYTHING (except nurse) for us. For the next two months, my MIL did anything we needed her to do.

egads. What a winner.
How long is she staying with you? My MIL only came for 2 or 3 days and then went back home (to work). My mother came for about 10 days.

MIL sat around and sipped tea, and talked to my husband. And held the baby some. (She's more the type that likes to be waited on, not to actually help).

My mother made us dinner, did laundry, mopped the kitchen floor, changed diapers, helped me with giving the baby a bath for the first time (since I didn't know what I was doing and felt like I need about 6 more hands), and fell asleep with the baby on her chest (also napping). She kept my husband company when I was grouchy. She encouraged me to sleep/nap. She was wonderful.
I breast fed our babies, and my mom was very good about making herself scarce in the beginning, until I could do so without flashing the entire room each time.

I think, that if I were you, I wouldn't fret about your MIL. If she doesn't want to do what you need her to do in order to be of help, then let her not come. No loss. The baby won't have any memories of who was there and not there, so she isn't losing any "bonding with the baby" moments.

Either she is there to help, or she is not. If she isn't going to help, then ask her to wait to come, since you will be busy and recovering and not able to entertain her.

Last baby it was my husband and I for a week and then my MIL and mom came down. Never again(at least for MIL). MIL went to the casino, criticized me to my husband and tried giving our newborn an 8 oz bottle of water(I was nursing-she went nosing in the garage and found old bottles). My mom played with the older 2 kids, helped with dinner, cleaned, and ran errands-whatever she could do to make thigs easy on us so we could relax together as a family.

Well, I would just let her ignore you. Less drama!
With my first baby, the family brought dinner, would come by so my husband and I could run errands, go to the store, etc for an hour or so. You know- give us a moment to catch our breath. With the second baby, no one did anything. lol I guess they figured we knew it all by this point.
As for new baby- there is no schedule. And the worst thing you can try and do is set one! Just learn to go with the flow at first. Baby will let you know what you need. You will settle into a schedule later.

Wow. Maybe you should be glad she's mad at you and ignoring you.
My mom stayed with us for a few days.
She DID help with the baby, but she also cooked, cleaned, walked the dog, grocery shopped, did laundry.
If all your MIL WANTS to do is feed the baby, tell her to stay home! Lol

No, you are not missing something. Dont even think that. Your MIL is the one missing something. If she is this bent out of shape because you want to BF your baby and doesn't feel like helping with the other things that come with a baby ie: bathing, changing, rocking them, burping etc etc then that's fine! She doesn't HAVE to stay with you then.

It's ridiculous that she is having a fit over this. She is completely missing the point of being there with her grandchild.

How is your Mother about all this?

She needs to be uninvited from staying with you after the baby comes. You have gone above and beyond to include her already. Breastfeeding is hard enough without people around making negative comments. There are a ton a breastfeeding support groups on Facebook. My favorite is The Leaky B@@b. Having unsupportive family members makes it really hard. Since it is your husbands mother, allow him to deal with her in the future, and be sure to have a talk with him about how much stress she is causing you.

Be very clear about what exactly people will be helping with after the baby comes. This would include housework, laundry, cooking, ect. Feeding the baby so you can sleep is not helpful if you are breastfeeding. And dont buy any bottles or formula, that way you dont have to worry about someone 'helping' by giving bottles behind your back. It sounds crazy, but you have no idea how rude and disrespectful people can be until you have a baby. GL, and congrats on your decision to give your baby the best , which of course is the breast! Im on my 2nd child, and he has been nursing for 15 months and counting. Feel free to PM me with any bf questions :)

the helpers at my house ran the vacuum, made beds, cooked dinners and ran the other kids for errands etc. rocked the baby when i was showering, took me to dr follow up appts. didn't really do anything with the baby lol did stuff for me

Helpers? What are those? I didn't have one damn person come to help me (and boy, did I need, and would've welcomed it!!).

I thought people came to help out more with the household stuff - cleaning, laundry, cooking, caring for baby while you nap, that sort of thing, while you bonded with and got to know baby.

It does sound you're dealing with some controlling, selfish, and toxic people, so honestly, it might be better to not have them help. I can't believe she would try to guilt you and throw a tantrum like that. She should be happy to help with what YOU ask HER to help you with. Having them there post-birth will be more stressful than helpful from you describe. Tell them "no" and focus on your baby.

My role in helping my BF daughter was to help with diaper changes and keeping the baby clean, help him settle when he was crying and nap when needed (he had a very hard time staying asleep in his early months), and doing random housework when needed. It was glorious to participate even in those humble ways, and to know it was helpful.

My own mom, my only "helper," is pretty narcissistic, and I really couldn't take much of her when my daughter was born. I had no trouble breast-feeding, but if my mom had been staying with me, I might have felt too tense for that to succeed.

In recent years, I've learned the wonderful power of this simple approach:
Someone makes a request or demand that doesn't sit well with me. I reply, in a light, relaxed and friendly voice, "I hear you would like ______ to happen. AND no, that doesn't work for me." (Be careful to avoid explaining why or apologizing, both of which undermine your decision. That word AND joins their request and your need on equal footing, without dismissing them as "but" might.)

I sure do wish you well.

She took care of the other kids and cleaning. The baby wasn't really much work besides me nursing him when he woke (he slept most of the day). She didn't do anything for the baby, again because all he did was nurse and sleep. She was a great help with the others, and the house!

I know this isn't your question but I suggest that your mil and even your mother stay somewhere else. Having a new baby is difficult enough. You want the first few weeks alone with your husband to bond together as a family. It's not helpful to have high maintenance women to also manage.

Your mil is already causing tension. You and the baby need quiet, relaxed time to get to know each other. Learning to breast feed takes focus and time. You'll need to be as relaxed as possible. Having a mil who isn't with the program will hamper the process.

I helped my daughter after the birth of all 3 of her children. I live in the same town and so didn't stay with them. I was only there for an hour or two on some days. I held the baby, just to be holding the baby. But my focus was on doing whatever my daughter wanted done. Dishes, vacuum, laundry, that sort of thing.

I would just be direct, as you were, with your mil. Next time I'd add that if she's not able to accept this then she should not stay with you. I'd be kind but firm.

If they're coming from a distance away, I'd limit their visit to a few days. No need to defend your choice. Just, "we want this time to be together, just ourselves, as a new family." Please come visit in a couple of months."

It is your responsibility to take care of yourself. Sounds like your mil is very self focused and won't be a help at all. Having high maintenance women around will be detrimental to you and your baby. Your hormones will be changing. You'll be tired. You'll want to have both physical and emotional space to get to know your new baby.

Later: I just read your question about being an introvert. Based on your comments there, I urge you to not have your mil stay with you. You didn't say much about your mother. You did say she's high maintenance. You need time to process this new event and having to manage someone else is expecting too much of yourself.

I had a C-section and my recovery was slower this second time. My mother got to be "first responder" to baby. She asked for us to put her cot in with the baby so when he woke up she could get to him right away and "delay" him needing me until I could actually get to to him. It took me a while, especially if I was in bed. Part of the time he woke up he really needed me for a feeding, sometimes he was just freaked out over the new digestive process he was going through.

Your MIL needs to get off her high horse. "What do I do with the baby..." You hold it, kiss on it, touch it's hands and feet, count his toes and fingers. Sing silly songs, make guesses about it's eye color. Newborns need more then to be fed and changed. They need to be held and loved on. I let my parents have "skin to skin" with my babies, but then again that's the kind of family I have. It also factored in that my parents live on the other side of the country and don't get to see my kids for years at a time.

As for schedule, the first two weeks write down the times of the feedings, how long they last and which side you used. You might notice a pattern, if your baby has one it makes life easier. My pattern developed (once I could move like a human again and not like a land turtle) was get the baby, change him right off then feed him and hand him off to a G'parent for the "sleep" mode while I washed something...usually myself. :)

Good luck!

I would tell them to come after a few weeks and you are settled I to a routine. Do you really need anyone there. If they insist on coming, only have them come for a few days. I would have gone crazy having someone
"Helping." I really just wanted to relax and enjoy all four of my kids, without someone breathing down my neck. Somy advice is have them come later.

Obviously your MIL if focusing on what "she can do", "what she wants", and not trying to be "your" helper. Helpers do what need to be done, what the person they are helping needs done.

Maybe your husband can tell his mom that while you appreciate the offer of help, if she wants to wait until she can feed the baby since that seems to the the help she wants to offer then she should wait until xxx (whatever date you expect to start pumping which will allow someone else to help with feeding). He could also say mom, what DO you want to help with? When she says "feeding" he can say well we won't need that kind of help until after a few weeks. Do you want to wait until then? or do you truly want to help? These are the things we could use help with....

As for what others helped with...cleaning the house, cooking, washing dishes, help with picking up other child, changing diapers, etc.

I also nursed my kids. My family of course wanted to feed the baby. With my son, we gave him one bottle a day after the first week.

(I had issues with trying to feed him, so the lactation nurse told me to feed him, then pump for 10 mins to help bring my milk in fast. So after each feed, we were to give him X amount of formulas/breast milk) So I would nurse him for 15 mins on each side, then pump for 10, While I was pumping my husband was giving him the bottle. Once my milk kicked in we picked on meal a day and my hubby or others would get to feed him. This truly made the transition to bottle when I went back to work much easier.

You do not have to do that. There is pleanty of other things she can do that is taking care of a baby. If she thinks that giving a bottle is the only "way" to take care of a baby.. she is an idioit.

She is looking for a fight.. Tell her to jump. Do not let anyone talk you out of BF.. Do not get discouraged it takes time and paitences more with some kids than others. ( my daughter never liked to "nurse" so I pumped and she drank expressed milk.)

Good luck and congratulations.

Mine didn't do much. They live nearby. I would have loved for either of them to come over and help clean up the house because I'd lost a pint of blood during delivery and was very weak, but neither of the grandmas offered. Oh, my MIL did make us a chicken dinner. WOW, hahaha. Wait a minute, now that I think of it, I think my mom came over once for a little while and emptied the dishwasher for me.

I think *most* new mothers would love help w/ the house and meals after a new baby is born. That is prime bonding time with mama and baby, after all, not grandma. But I think *most* grandmas have other ideas. :)

If she is not willing to help with the things that you actually need help with, then I would ask her to stay somewhere else. It is way too stressful having a new baby to deal with MIL drama.

Ack - that's horrible! "helpers" like that are just useless! If she's ignoring you for now, count yourself as lucky!!!! :)
Seriously though, she already got to take care of her babies.......
The most important thing right now is YOU and your new baby. If she's causing you stress, then tell her and limit her time there. You don't HAVE to let her stay! Please don't let her negative attitude ruin your first few days with your baby! or get in the way with learning how to breasfeed! If she's there and makes you uncomfortable during feedings, just excuse yourself to your bedroom and feed baby there where you can relax! She's being selfish and mean!
Take care!!!! and don't let her make this about her!!!!

You REALLY need to have a long, serious discussion with your husband.... if he is already respecting his mother's wishes above YOUR WISHES in regards to ANYTHING involving YOUR child, such as overnight company after the birth of said child, you are setting yourself up for a looooooooong road. I'd STRONGLY encourage you two to nip this in the bud with her BEFORE the baby comes. I cant see this going any other way than you completely not enjoying the first few weeks of your baby's life. Your husband is gonna be home, anyone beyond that is stressful and irritating - have visitors in a few weeks, have both moms wait, and seriously, you NEED to talk to your husband.

**ETA: You should have YOUR Mom around, not your MIL.
Does your MIL live nearby or not?
Does your Mom live nearby or not?
It is pretty pathetic, that your MIL is acting this way already and your baby is not even born yet.
With your Husband and your MIL, it seems you will not have... much rights in your own home nor with your own baby.
When push comes to shove... who will your Husband cater too? You? Or your MIL?
And, no matter what... your baby is going to be, an "object" that is used to please MIL. I think even your Husband will use baby to please her, too. Meaning, in order to please his Mommy, then the baby will go to her whenever she wants etc. or to babysit.
It will be, increasingly difficult, as time goes on, once the baby is born... to deal with this. Because, MIL is being catered to, already. And there is no baby yet born.
And hopefully, your MIL will not make an issue out of what gender the baby is either.
This sounds like a real train-wreck. Because, MIL dearest, is already acting like a Prima-Donna and is allowed to, and your Husband will try to please her with her selfish Narcissistic whims.
And hopefully, when your Mom is around too, MIL will not bully her either.
Your MIL... is a BULLY.
----------------------------------

Your MIL is so.... not high maintenance. But rather, she is... totally totally off.

With a MIL like that, this is not really, 'your' baby.
It is her's.
And it will always be a problem.
Because, among other mental problems she has... she thinks that "she" is the one who calls the shots, with HER, grandchild.
She thinks baby is her's.
And, you will continuously have to, whether you like it or not... be either bullied by her, or pleasing her or, having to give baby to her to babysit or whatever, whether you like it or not.
She is very, possessive... mentally/emotionally... and per her level of importance.

With both my kids, when they were babies, *I* did everything, and my Husband helped. And I did not have to share my kids with anyone out of being bullied by them, and it was me... that was the Mom. I did not have to give away my "Mom" role nor hand off my kids just to please some relative who was bullying me emotionally or whatever.

And hopefully, your Husband, backs YOU up.
Not his Mommy.
Otherwise, you will have your Mom, your MIL, and your Husband... to please and use your baby, to do so. Even if it is unfair.

We did not have "helpers" or visitors that stayed overnight. We are a plane ticket away from all family. We did have neighbors stop by and meals were delivered for about 2 weeks which was very nice and appreciated.

I did not want others around when we were bonding with our daughter and bottom line, it was our job to adjust to the new routines.

I think if someone has helpers, that is great if you want the help and they want to do it but I wouldn't want the added drama. I am SO glad I never met my MIL... these stories make me cringe.

Sounds like your MIL is a bit of an immature drama queen.

After my little one, my MIL asked how did I sleep, Which was "NO SLEEP" then laughed gave me a little hug and left house.no help with cooking or cleaning.Ugh just had a bunch of comments on how I was doing things..So I feel for you, but I do think you should speak up otherwise she going think she runs the show..Not good

My mother was wonderful, she cooked, cleaned and did laundry, while I cared for baby. After second baby My father and inlaws were great with spending time with the three yr old.
You need to drop any expecations that she will help. Do you have a sister, cousin or best friend who could come and help. Ask someone else! Are you part of a church they could volunteer to bring you some home cooked meals. The when MIL talks about coming, make sure it's for a short visit. If she asks why so and so is there so much say "Oh so and so was so nice to volunteer to change diapers, clean the house, make meals, whatever I need. she's a Godsend!" She made it clear she only wants to hold the baby and do nothing else. do what people without grandparents nearby do Find friends and neighbors who want to be an extended family...

Mothers and MILs have been sticking their noses in for centuries. Whether you BF or not.

She'll find something to do. In the meantime, just ignore her whining.

I decreed that no visitors were allowed to fly out for at least 4 weeks after DD was born. IMO, especially with a MIL that is unsupportive of you breastfeeding you are just setting yourself up for failure. I can literally already hear your MIL tell you how you are not feeding the baby enough, how she is not gaining enough and fast enough and how you are doing this all wrong. UGH!

I know everyone is different, but for the first few weeks *I* wanted to hold my DD and I did not want "help" with taking care of her from anyone but DH.

If you have "helpers" they should be offering to:
- take care of older kids if you have any
- cook
- clean
- shop
- run errands
- let you spend as much time in bed with baby cuddling and recovering as you wish.

Don't be shy about this. Don't be bullied and don't set yourself up for misery and failure. People not supportive of your plans should stay away until you and the little one have found your groove.

Time to put on your big girl panties and stand up for yourself.
Good luck.

My mom came over while I was on maternity leave and hubby worked nights to play with my daughter, change her, hold and cuddle her. If I needed a nap, she would watch her. She did not expect to feed her as she knew I was breastfeeding. How inconsiderate of your MIL. I would not put much effort into including her after baby is born if she is going to make you feel bad about her wanting to help out? That doesn't even make sense to me. You do not need assistance feeding your baby! That is one thing you CAN do after! She can cook, clean, cuddle and play with baby!!

Wow. Your MIL sounds awful. I am sorry. It's really funny you posted this, because I was going to post a similar question/ rant. My MIL lives in India. My mom came to help with my first baby. She is a narcissistic, high maintenance person who causes me a lot of stress, but she told me she was coming to stay in our tiny apartment for a month. I said she didn't need to stay that long, so she called my husband and said it was American tradition and she had to stay for that long. The day before she arrived, she told me I better not expect her to cook or clean anything. What she did want to do?! "Comfort nurse" my baby even if she didn't have milk. Ewww. I put a stop to that. Then she left after a week because she got bored. Now I am having baby number two and I actually do need the help, to watch my toddler. She has all these provisions for coming to help, and she didn't even want to watch him at all at first. She said she wanted to help with the baby. She also has things on her calendar, like book club, that she claims she can't change, so I better make sure labor comes at a convenient time. I am going along with all of it and flattering her insatiable ego because she is the only person I have to help. Otherwise I will be in the hospital alone while my husband takes care of baby. So I feel for you. Is this your first baby? With the first, unless you have a c-section, you probably don't need that much help. Order in, let housework go, etc. I am sure it is stressful having your MIL act like that, but she is being awful and you are better off not having her around.

Your house, your baby, your rules. If you don't want her there then you need to put your foot down and have a serious discussion with your hubby. Every time she says something negitive them you need to shoot it down. Even if you have to be harsh. It won't get any better until you take control. There's a lot more to caring for a baby than just feeding it. If that's all she plans on doing then she really isn't all that helpful. If she truly wants to help then she should be happy to do whatever you need. Whether it's laundry, cooking, cleaning or anything else.
My personal experience is that we had zero visitors until our kids were at least 2 months old. And that was for a variety of reasons. Mostly for hubby and I to bond with the baby without anyone else around. We are also very private people and didn't want the hassle of having family in our home.

My mom is tremendous (I say this not to gloat but to put things in perspective for you), so she did exactly what WE needed. That meant laundry, cooking, dishes, running errands, etc. These are the things that were most helpful, as we were focused on little angel (as we should have been). That isn't to say that she didn't get plenty of quality time with baby, just that she understood that her role was to help not to replace.

One big difference for us is that, sadly, hubby's parents are deceased. I know my mom would not have competed, but I know that often that is where some of the angst with new grandparents comes from - why does she get more time or better time or jobs that are more fun or...

Oh, and the best "fun" task for grandparents is to engage little one during the day. The more alert time during the day, the more sleeping at night. This doesn't mean to sleep deprive your precious angel, just to provide stimulation at appopriate times - not at 2AM :)

Best wishes on your special journey~

I think that sometimes our Moms feel like if we do something other than they did that we are judging/looking down on them. I find this to be the root of so much of the breast feeding drama. My Mom was the same way. She actually said "I don't know why you would bother to bf. Nobody did that in my day." I said, "Well, its my baby, that's what I'm doing." And of course everyone felt bad.

I wish I had said "I know! Back then women were actually encouraged to bottle feed, so you followed your doctors advice and did the best thing for your baby. There has been a lot of research since then that since bf is really good for the baby and the mom, so I'm going to do what I think is best. I really appreciate you helping me do the best thing for my baby." It may, or may not, have changed the discussion. But I think if you can try to validate her feelings a little, she might calm down.

Should you have to do any of this with a new baby? Heck no. Your MIL should be a grown-up. But it doesn't seem to be the case for you.

I wish you all the best.

What I found most helpful when I brought our son home from the hospital was for everyone else to help with the day to day stuff (laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, cooking, light cleaning, etc). Being a mom was new to me and I wanted all that bonding time with my son. Besides, they couldn't breastfeed him for me, and burping is usually done between breastfeeding or immediately following. Bathing my son was kind of special, too. I was quiet time between us, and really didn't take more than a few minutes.
I know that as new grandparents they want to be part of caring for the baby, but the way I saw it w/ my own experience, was that this was my time now. They had their time many many years ago.
And like you, my MIL had some very different opinions than I did and had many hurt feelings due to it. But she got over it.
Good luck.