When a child is deliberately disobeying and you are certain that they understand, hear, and are capable of responding, then it is imperative that you train them to the socially acceptible standard for their own sake. While it may seem like it's not big deal because you just asked them to pick up a toy or something, if you train them to only obey after several pleas, repeating, singing, changing your tone, etc., what happens when you tell them you see something they don't like a car coming thier way or a piece of glass they are about to step on? The simple requests for obedience is where this is trained so there is automatic and complete compliance in an emergency situation. Not to do so may endanger them in the long run.
As much as I struggle with being the "bad guy" or too strict, or whatever other emotions moms go through when it comes to the sometimes unpleasant exercise of disciplining our children, when I put it in those terms, I can more easily rise to the standard of training them correctly, which is why they need a parent.
The standard for obedience in our home is:
1. All the way
2. Right away
3. With a happy heart
If all three of the above list are not present then there is not obedience. This is defiance, and no matter how big or small, this is what can cause harm in the wrong situation if not brought under control now.
For instance, you can tell them to go sit on a chair. They can saunter over slowly, rebelling all the way and finally plop in the chair. Yeah, they sat in the chair, but it was not done with obedience. It that how you would like them to walk out of the road when there is traffic coming?
Perhaps you ask them to put their tea party toys back in the basket and they shove them out of the way but still leave them on the floor. When you come through with a pile of laundry and trip on their toys it can hurt you and your child if they are in the way. Disobedience rarely only affects the person being disobedient. It can cause hurt and harm to others, another reason why it is so important that you get it under control right away.
What I try to do with my children (concistency is the key and sometimes I am not as consistent as I would like to be) is ask ONE time. They need to obey the FIRST time. "Hudson, please put your shoes in your shoe basket." OR "Hudson, do you need to go potty?"
If they do not respond right away, then I walk over to them, touch them to get their focus on me (hand on shoulder, hold their hand, raise their chin to meet your eyes, etc.) and make eye contact with them.
I will ask them what I asked them to do. "Hudson, what did Mommy just say to you?"
I expect them to repeat it. If they will not, I will tell them again what I asked. (If they don't repeat it or don't remember or act like they didn't hear you, etc. it can just cause a long argument about whether they heard you or they were ignoring you or that they couldn't have forgotten already, blah, blah blah, which is useless and can go on forever, so if they act like they have no idea what I am talking about, I just say it again to avoid all that.) "Mommy told you to please put your shoes in your shoe basket." OR "Hudson, Mommy asked if you need to go to the potty."
I then ask them to repeat what I just said. "What did Mommy just say to you?" They say, "Put my shoes in the basket." OR "Do I need to go to the potty." They should say something at least close to what you said. I wouldn't get into a word for word argument; they just need to understand what you expect them to do.
I then ask them if they understand what I said. "Did you understand what Mommy asked you to do?"
Their line is to say, "Yes, Mommy!" If not, maybe they really didn't know what you wanted them to do so you can explain it better. OR they are just messing with you, again defiance, so perhaps they should go sit somewhere until they are ready to go through the process. You will know the diference and if they really don't understanding what you are asking them to do.
Then they either need to answer my original question or complete the task I asked of them. "Then you need to go put your shoes in the basket, please." OR "Then please answer if you need to go to the potty."
They then answer to go do what you asked them to do. "Thank you for obeying, Hudson. You're such a blessing!" OR "Thank you for answering me!" or some other positive reinforcement and praise.
If they then won't answer or do what they were asked, I may firmly help them, like walk them to there they need to pick up their toys or whatever they were asked to do. If they resist, I will "help" them by placing thier hand on the toy and coaching them until they take over. However, if they won't take over right away and they know what's expected of them (again with the rule of 3 above) or answer me if I just asked them a question, then you are dealing with direct defiance.
The standard needs to be raised and the restriction needs to be tightened, like having them sit in a chair until they can answer politely or obey all the way, right away, and with a happy heart. You may even need to have them to go to their room for a while until they can comply. I remain calm and cheerful through the whole process. It's just business; it doen't need to become a battle. "Hudson, we'll just try again when you're ready. Please sit right here until you re ready to answer me/pick up your shoes."
There is a lot you can do if they still refuse to obey, the point is that you are not ignoring their defiance. You are training them to the acceptible standard instead of lowering yours, and they will eventually get it. The whole point of parenting is to send responsible, polite, considerate adults out into the world so it can be at least a bit better for all the effort we put into the child. If you can ask yourself how successful they will be in life if their boss asks them to do something and they ignore and refuse or if their friends ask them a question and they don't answer, then it may help you to know that how you let them behave now will play a part in how they behave in life, and people who are rude and won't follow directions don't do well in careers or relationships. That's not what you want for your beloved whipper-snapper! :) A kind, responsible, polite whipper-snapper will be beloved by everyone, not just their mommy.
The good news is that this is the perfect time for you to do this! Don't think it will be a picnic if you wait until she's a teenager. Implementing this now will make those upcoming years much, much more pleasant. Think of it as an investment of peace that you will reap when all your friend's teens are mouthy brats because they just let their sweet little ones do whatever they wanted! :) I know you can do it and wish you the best!!!
P.S. I have tons of resources if you want to contact me directly. I have already written alot, but there is so much more I can send your way that helped me immensely. (Believe me, I needed all the help I could get!) :)