Woman to Woman Advice

I totally agree with Jennifer. Like you said he knows you still love him so he feels like your going to be around no matter what...I think you should go out have fun hang out with friends or family occupy you time, you say you have kids, well go out and do something with them, Once he sees that you are getting on with your life he might come to his senses and realize he can possibly be losing you...you see, he can't miss what he hasnt loss and until now you have always been there. Always remeber it takes to 2 and no matter how much you try if he doesnt do his part it wont work...good luck :)

I say just leave the ball in his court until he makes it obvious what his intentions are. Trust me, if you push the issue too early then it will only to succeed in pushing him away. I lost a man (before my dh) who I loved very much by pushing the issue too early. He told me years later that he probably would have come back if I had just "laid off" for a while to let him him get his head together. I was so desperate to hold on that I pushed him away.

I applaud you for being so strong up until this point. I know it's not easy to wait for a decision from him. I recommend that you do not sit back and "wait" for him. Go on with your life. Not necessarily dating, but go out with friends. Try something you have been wanting to do. I believe that it will actually make you more attractive to him. He knows how you feel at this point, so that isn't an issue. And who knows? Him seeing you be a strong woman with a mind of your own may just put the ball back in your court!!

I also agree with the poster who said to pray. God doesn't always give us the answer we want, but if we listen to Him he will give us the BEST answer.

Good luck to you!!

I don't think you can do this on your own - you need a good counselor. My personal opinion is that his behavior right after the separation is very telling, but it's difficult for any of us on the outside to know what really went wrong. The small conversations about kids are important and you'll need to be able to manage that whether you stay married. It's whether he has an interest in dealing with the emotional issues. You really need to ask yourself if he ever met or considered your emotional needs before. Also, I highly recommend Gary Chapman's "Love Languages" books. If he's willing to learn about himself and understand where he went wrong (we women tend to be more open to this concept), there might be hope.

Wow, its amazing how often this happens! I think you should let him come around on his own, you need to understand that it is his role to court and not yours. I undersand you want to save your marriage and applaud you for this, that being said, if he is slowly speaking with you again, I think you should be kind and keep your distance at the same time, men need to feel like they are missing out on something to want to seek you, its their nature, they dont like being chased. Pray about your marriage and let God do the work in him.

Go to America's Family Coaches at

http://secure.call-kc.com/afc/search/search.asp?keysearch...

Gary and Barb Rosberg are authors of many books related to marriage. They are great, they also have a radio show to answer your marriage questions. Check out the website and maybe some of the books.

Also the 5 Love Languages is a great book, reading that will really help both of you in your marriage.

I would definitely go and get some counseling for yourself especially. This is a rough and difficult time for you and your family. Then, later on when your husband is feeling more up to it, maybe he can join you at counseling?

How are the kids handling all this? This has to be stressful for them also.

Pray, I hope you have a home church. If not, you are welcome to come to our church. Some churches even have marriage seminars, and that would be helpful also.

I'll keep you in my prayers for healing and communicatio and forgiveness. Take care, C.

R.,
Marriage is two people working together as one. It's hard, I know. The advise I give is from my heart, I'm not a counselor, just a wife, mother, a woman. Pray, and pray some more, that is the best advise I can give. What we tend to do as humans is find someone who will side with us, because deep in our heart we want it to be a certain way and we want that validation that we are doing it right. My husband and I have went through lots of problems that I think most people don't have to deal with. I've put up with a lot, that other women wouldn't, but it was my choice. Even with as much bad as he did, I know I also play a role in it. You're not wasting time right now, sometimes it takes a while for the turkey to cook, and if you microwave it, it's tough and hard to eat. If you want your marriage, remember why you fell in love with him. The past has to be behind you, both of you, you can't get back yesterday. Stay focus only on today, not tomorrow, like the Panda movie said, today is a gift that is why it's called the present. One day at a time, don't rush anything, pray to God, he does answer you.
God Bless You!

Love Love Languages. :) Gary Chapman rocks.

It kind of depends, to me, on why you separated in the first place - did someone screw up (cheating, drugs, addiction), or was it a mutual maybe we would be happier apart kind of thing?

If it was a screw up - especially your screw up, I think it's time to understand that rebuilding trust takes time. If it was HIS screw up, I'd talk to an attorney to make sure you're protected the next time he screws up.

I also like Debi Pearl's Created to be His Help Meet.

S.

Wow, you've received some wonderful advice here! I definitely agree that it is essential to seek God in this (and every) situation. Marriage is a sacred covenant, and God can give you the wisdom you need to win back your man.

I recommend the book "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. Dr. Dobson talks a lot about the very situation you're in and how to win back an enstranged spouse. Also check out Family Life Today. They have an awesome website, books and other resources, and a radio broadcast that are very relevant to marriage and family.

May God bless and lead you!!

K. Howard
www.HomemakersCottage.com

R.: I am so happy that things are on the mends! Not sure where you are spiritually, however, surrender the marraige to God, and seek His guidance! #2 An excellent resource is Jimmy Evans: Marriagetoday.org I think. He has excellent Christian resources on the challenges of Marriage! #3 Join a group at church that will feed your spiritually, support you, nourish you, love on you, and pray over and for you! God will move in your life and bring you together! It's His will for His children to live the abundant life! That includes you and your husband! Remember, God loves you, and wants good things for you! Get the resources mentioned above it will give you answers to your questions on how to address these situations!
Blessings!
ps
Christian Counseling is also a must! Healing needs to take place while you re-unite!

You should try showing him that you can live without him & still have a good life.

When my DH & I were dating, he floundered after a year together & didn't know what he wanted. He put me though a rollercoaster with his indecisions about me. He even broke up with me on my 25th birthday, & I cried all night. Then he called me the next day to make up with me. Ugh.

After 3 months of that, I decided that I would still see him a bit, but that I would date & have fun without him. That drove him bananas. I know it sounds immature on both of our parts, but I just wanted to show him that I could (at that time before kids) that I could live without him. He moved in with me the next week, & we've been together solid for 10 years. It just showed him what he would miss.

I don't know where you are in your spiritual life, and I know this may sound "cliche", but my advice is to pray about it. If you are a member of a church, talk to your pastor about counseling, for you and your husband. If you don't attend a church, now would be a good time to start. I have found that no matter what is happening in my life, good or bad, I can always turn to the One who created me. After all, God knows me better than I know myself. It's the times that I don't turn to God that I feel the most confused and lost. I'm not normally one to be all "preachy", but this is the advice I would give one of my friends, and it's the only advice I can give you.

B.<><

ive been there done that but i was onyl married to him for one and half years and we erwe together for five before that! And we have two kids together.
I woudl recommend going to a marraige counsler. my husband and I went on a marraige retreat with our church and it helped a lot. Time for just us out of the home town and near mother nature it was wonderful!

Well, color me weird, but I can give you no advice without more information. You have been together for more than a decade and I would think the issues that caused the split are therefore pretty serious, particularly given your comments about his cold shoulder, etc.

How you deal with it depends on the reason that he left the home and the issues that lie between you. I would suggest getting professional help for yourself, particularly as you are currently in a state of sitting and spinning, and if you go with a pastor, make sure that he is appropriately trained in counseling because many are not.

A book that would be helpful to you no matter how this plays out is Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. It teaches about creating greater intimacy in marriage, figuring out what other life issues may be making their way into the bedroom and preventing a couple from really enjoying sex and growing together in that area, and it also speaks about differentiating as an individual so that you no longer "need" from your mate. When you reach this point, there is less finger pointing about who is doing household chores, if the person pays you enough attention, etc. Many of these are also relationship skills that go beyond the couple and will help deal with children as they grow older and figuring out the right things to do is more diffiult than with the younger child.

I do agree with the not pushing to an extent but depending on where his head is at, he can keep you in a state of limbo indefinitely and that is not a positive alternative to splitting up. Staying together is always the best option if it is possible but if things are going to end in divorce eventually, having gone through this myself and seen many other people, it is sort of like ripping a band-aid off the wound. Kids do adjust to their parents living in two homes and it is easier on them to go ahead and do that instead of sitting for months or years hoping mom and dad will fix things when they won't.

Wow this is a hard one. I think baby steps are good. You do not want to scare him off. Maybe though while you two are talking about the kids, slip something in. Like, hey I got that promotion, or the pediatritian was aksing how you are. Anything that might make him relate to YOU, not to the mother of his kids. I can talk about the kids all day long with my husband but then really to talk about something that pulls us together as a couple. Remeber, baby steps. Do not all of a sudden start calling him all the time about nothing. My husbands ex does that and all is does it piss him off. But be honest in your conversations. Good luck