Trying to save My Marriage... HELP!!

Almost 2 years and 2 children in that two years, do you still have a date night once a week, once a month? When we have small children and work full time, sometimes the men can feel very left out. Try thowing in some date nights and making it all about him. It seems like there was very little time when it was just the two of you, making him have "special" nights might help ease the stress in the house and eliminate some of the divorce talk.

I would try doing nice little things for your husband like you did when you were dating. It's hard being married and when you add kids into the pictuer the husband sometimes gets put on the back burnner. I know that happens in my marriage but when I make the effort to put him first things seem to get better. Best of luck and don't give up. Your family is the most important thing.
M. S.

Ask him to set down and talk to you. Both of you all share your feelings and be totally honest. No accusing, and when you talk say I feel. Try not to put any blame. Be understanding to his feelings. Remeber, men and women have two different languages (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus--this is a very good book that can really help). So, if he says something and you take it one way-ask him if that is what he means. He needs to do the same. When you first set down to talk, you both make some rules on how the conversation is going to go (like no name calling and no accusing etc.). This will help to not cause an argument. Be sure to let each other know that you love each other. And both of you ask the other what can I do not to argue and do it. This is something that you both have to work on and both make some changes.

My husband and I went through this. It was extremely difficult for a while but finally, we decided to get some outside help and that was the best decision we made. We found a counselor at Dayspring Baptist Church who bases her fee on income. It was a stretch for us financially but we determined that it was an investment that would save us money (divorce or separation) in the long run. It was the best money we have ever spent as a couple because while the counselor said a lot of the same things I had been saying for years, my hubby needed to hear it from someone else to really HEAR it. I had to refrain from saying, "I've told you this a million times!" about a million times. It took several months but she took us through exercises that really helped us understand what was going on under the surface of our arguments. The changes in our marriage have been dramatic. We still have arguments sometimes but we have a better understanding of how to make those aruguments work for our marriage in a healthy way. {{Hugs}}

T. - My husband and I have been through the same thing. Children change things and bring out issues. Communication is key - but that can be hard. My husband and I have been seeing a counselor in Birmingham and she is wonderful! She recommended the Five Love Languages book as well and it is great. Another great book to look into is "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley...read the book(s) together and let them open back up the door of communication. Try writing each other love letters and remember why you fell in love in the first place. Start the communication small at first, even just take a few minutes and tell each other what your favorite and least favorite part of the day was (those simple things that bring us joy and those things that aggrivate us!)...that can spark communication and at the least start feeling connected again. Hang in there!!! Marriage is a roller coaster. Its getting through the hard times together that bring you to each higher level.

~C.

Children can take its toll on a marriage. I'm not sure what your faith is but I learned the hard way that it is much more beneficial to pray and ask God to give me the ability to control actions rather than trying to fight things out. Things have been a million times better for us. I'll be praying for you and your family.

This is not uncommon. What you and your husband shared two years ago has changed drastically and you're now sharing your relationship with two extra people. I know your children are your heart and soul, but two young children take tons of time and energy away from a couple's intimate time. I have two sisters and we share lots of advise with each other so it helps all of us. It is so hard, but try to get time away from the children so that you can be reminded of what brought you together and then just as important, spend time together as a family even if it just includes going for a walk in the neighborhood. I hope it works out wonderfully for the 4 of you.

If there is ANY way you can talk him into going to counseling...DO IT! My marriage of seven years ended for lots of reasons, but the one thing I blame it on the most was a lack of communication. If we could have talked about our complaints in a calm, rational way we might have been able to work out our differences and compromise. I wish I would have had the chance to work it out with him, and now its too late. Don't wait till its too late. Get help now for your marriage sake and the sake of your two small children. Good luck! I will pray for your family.

My husband and I had some serious problems at about that time in our marriage but didn't have children yet. Some times their stress can really bogg you down especially if he isn't very helpful. We went to a Christian counselor and it helped tremendously but what truly saved us was reading the book "The Five Love Languages" by Richard(I think)Chapman. We read it seperately and then we just knew what we needed to do. We sat down and wrote what are expectations of each other were in our marriage and found out there were some problems there. Then we just had to try to speak each others love language whenever we had the chance. I wouldn't say that things are perfect now, but we have a 2&1/2 year old and 4 month old-both girls and are happy and still in love with each other and our family.

Hope this helps...

There is also a Five Love Languages of Children that may help you too!

Hi T.! I just read your message and I know how hard it can be to "connect" the same way you used to with your husband once children are in the picture! Kids are demanding, and the majority pf the time they do put at least a little strain on a marriage... But please, don't lose hope..your marriage IS WORTH working on. Divorce isn't always the answer, although Im sure (I know from expirience) alot of times it seems like the easiest thing. There is a book that my husband and I read together a while back called "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emmerson Eggrich and it has helped our marriage more than I can tell you...it is amazing. Maybe it would be nice if you guys could read a chapter every night together once the kids are settled down. I know there are a million other things that you think you need to get done, but TRUST ME..that little time you spend alone with your husband( even if its only 30 minutes)can be time to reconnect and get to know eachother again...and if you can, get a sitter for the kids every couple weeks so you and your husband can have a date night! Marriage is rough sometimes, and it takes alot of hard work, prayer, and persistance...but again, its worth iT! I hope my advice has helped at least a little...I'll be praying for you and your husband...GOOD LUCK!!!!!

Your marriage sounds a lot like mine when I first got married 17 years agao. Try this. Instead of arguing with him when you're mad, try writing it down as if you are saying it to him. Say everything you think you want to say and then throw it away. Sometime just getting things off our chest make us feel better. Make sure you shred it or destory it so he want ready it.

My husband abd I were in the same boat the first few years of our marriage. What helped us was going to a marriage counselor. We learned how to fight and communicate so fights were less often. I don't know if you are religious or not but really urned our marriage for good was a Christian conference we attended. The devil hates us and wants our marriages to break up. God doesn't want that. So when we start saying mean and ugly things the devil is really telling us to do tht and say that. Once we realized that, everytime one of us says something ugly, we stop before it turns into a fight and then we use the communication strategies we learned in counseling. We do sometimes fight. It rarely is bad fights and we always try to fight fair. I hope this helps.

It can really help to get a babysitter and go out more often. I know my husband and I really don't talk much unless we have time alone together which doesn't happen very often, but when it has happened, it has been really great for our marriage.

Listen to Brandi!!! The Five Love Languages is the best relationship book ever, it saved my sister's marriage after she believed she made a huge mistake during her first year of marriage. She and her husband have been married 12 years now and still act like newlyweds. It helped my other sister and her husband to better understand each other, and it has done wonders for my husband and I. I know it sounds wierd to put so much faith in a book, but the book is awesome. Good luck, I really hope everything works out for your family.

Sorry to hear you are going through such a bad time. I think these pointers may help..but it's gonna take both of you working hard if your marriage is going to be salvaged. First...you both have to decide if you want the marriage to be salvaged. You have to sit down with one another and honestly say yay or nay. If you choose to do so...stop the name calling. Your parents wouldn't call you names so why would you let your spouse do so or worse why would you do so. Why would you talk worse to someone you are suppose to love, than you would a stranger you just met on the street? Stop it. Next you have to decide what about each other is making you so angry. You have to really be honest and each other has to be willing to hear what the other says. Once you both know...fix it. Then you have to realize that you do have a choice on how you are going to act...or what your attitude is going to be like. You have a choice if you're going to be a angry, sad, happy, etc. Get out of bed each morning and ask yourself...what can I do to make my spouse smile today? Your home is suppose to be your happy place..your safe place. The place you can go and leave stresses and mean people behind. One of the most important pointers I have found..and yes it worked for me...was that you can't have a fight or a name calling episode..if there's only one person participating. I just refused to participate unless the conversation was pleasant. When the names starting flying..i just went on about my business and kept my pleasant attitude. It took a while..but it worked. You can't fight by yourself.

my husband and i have been married for 5 years and separated for one of those years. 3 months ago we decided to give our marriage another shot. boy were we in for a surprise! we had BOTH changed so much that it seemed like trying to work things out was the worst decision that we had ever made together.
on sept 14th i bought us a book that has changed the way we both look and treat each other and our marriage. It's called 'The Five Love Languages' by Dr. Gary Chapman. i bought ours at wal-mart for $12 but here is a link from his website to purchase it in case you can't find it:
http://www.marriagevine.com/Resource_Pages/Gary_Chapman.h...

we swear by this book and are so thankful for it being such a helpful tool to helping save our marriage. my husband and i take turns reading chapters. but if your husband doesn't want to read you, you still should. dr chapman, explains an exercise that you alone can do that may be successful in turning your marriage around!

good luck!!!

Well, I first suggest that you try and work it out on your own. I mean you once loved each other enough to get married and have children! Figure out what is making you both angry enough to call the one you love and cherish as your life partner horrible names. Life is hard and can get you down. You need to make sure that you are not "leaving him out". You have 2 children and a full time job outside the home. That is OVERWHELMING!! Not just for you hun, but for EVERYONE. Do you spend enough alone time together? Do you have enough family time? If the answer is NO, then you need to sit down and re-prioritize your life. Your FAMILY is #1. Your husband, your life partner. Sometimes men can get jealous of their own children. You are spending too much time being mommy. It's true. Maybe you resent him a little because he doesn't help you enough, or he doesn't do his 50%? You think he should do 75% because YOU work AND take care of the kids? I don't know. You just need to COMMUNICATE with him. If that doesn't work, then I highly suggest professional marriage counseling. A marriage is worth trying to save! Don't give up to easily or too quickly! Your kids need both parents, but more importantly, your kids need HAPPY parents!!!!

Many blessings,
H.