Without Me, Nothing Gets Done!!

Calm down.
If you cannot manage it all, send her to school.
I dont know about you, but my 8 year old and make herself lunch.
In the grand scheme of things, this really isnt huge.
Are you pmsing? lol

Kind of like missing a day of work, huh?
She should have had a snack at 3, dinner at 6.
She could have finished her chores between 3-6.

You DON'T make lunch at 3 PM. She's 11 and can't even say what I think of her father. You should just tell her, we will be having dinner at XXXX....I asked you to do XXX this morning and you didn't. If you do not want to CONTINUE to be a doormat. STOP ACTING LIKE ONE AND TAKE A STAND.

At 11 years old she doesn't know how to make herself some lunch? Make a sandwich, warm up some leftovers in the microwave? And she takes an HOUR to eat???
I don't know why you didn't just start schooling her while she was eating. My kids read and do homework while they eat all the time.
Sorry, I know you were looking for some empathy here but she's 11 not 3. If she was in a real school she would be expected to be responsible for herself and stay on task all day, without the constant reminders, especially at her age. She knew you wanted her to do the chores, she didn't need dad to remind her.
And besides, she can still do them tonight, right?
A family is not always a well oiled machine, sometimes you've gotta let go and roll with it.
ETA: and so what if she complains about being hungry at 9:00, that's a good lesson for her not to skip lunch next time. Offer her a healthy snack & send her to bed.

Sounds like you need to give some basic lessons in self care and maintenance. i.e. here's the bread box, here's the PB&J, the milk is in the fridge. Then you need to leave the house more regularly, and come home and remain committed to not picking up the pieces.

The chores that went undone today can wait until saturday (when your daughter would be doing something fun). Deprive her of that and have her do chores instead.

a mini strike is in order.
hope your pity party has baloons and noisemakers. :)
F. B.

If that happened in my house, they'd both be in the doghouse. Your daughter lied to her father. He abdicated his responsibility as a parent to let her watch TV all day and not feed her, not to mention not checking her work. They BOTH need consequences.

You ought to make him wash his own clothes for a week so that he can think twice about doing it again.

What is your daughter's excuse for lying to her dad and not doing her work? You need to make her do all the chores and something pretty unpleasant. Something that she really wants to do should be withheld because she lied.

I don't actually see this as a pity party. I think that you need to put your foot down and not just let this go, especially with your husband.

Dawn

At eleven she can be held accountable for the fact that she lied about her chores being done, AND the fact that she didn't do them. There should be some things in the house that she is capable of preparing for herself for lunch as well......It may sound harsh, but if you don't teach her now, well basically she'll grow up to lazy and irresponsible like your husband.

She's 11 years old! Why isn't she making sure she is showered and eating breakfast by herself? Why isn't she making her own lunch?What are the consequences, for her not doing her chores? What are the consequences for lying? (BIG no-no.) Take away the TV , for one! My son is 3.5, and I do homeschool him. (Just preschool right now, obviously.) Chores are part of his curriculum, and I plan on keeping it that way.

Perhaps, no one is doing anything, because they know you will do it. Or, they won't get much flack. Don't allow laziness from her! OR lying!!

With all that said, I'm sorry you had a bad day. Why not do something for yourself tonight?

She is eleven? Believe me if you hadn't fed her she would eventually not starve herself. Mama, believe me I used to be the same way. Let some of this go. You are going to make yourself crazy. You answered part of your own question. Yes, you work all day long. Stop. These are not infants. Change your own standards. You are aloud to cancel some of your own rules.

This is why I make my family 'trade time' with me.

When Kiddo wants me to do something which he is capable of, but nevertheless doesn't want to do OR forgot, if I fix it, he owes me the amount of time I put in.

Last night, Usually Awesome Husband fed the cat too much salmon, despite the well-known consequences. I spent five minutes today cleaning up kitty puke. Husband was informed that I would like five minutes of my life back, please, so he's going to do a little something for me.

This is how I keep from going crazy. I'm sure that at some point, in your situation, I just would have been giving people blank stares and asking "well, why is this MY problem?" Quasi-incapable does not work for me.

That would drive me nuts, too.

My husband is great about spending time with our son, but his version of spending time is getting out a lego project with a gazillion little legos and spreading them all over the floor. I'll walk home and the two of them will be incredibly happy, they will have eaten fast food, homework and instrument practice will be unheard of, and the house will be a pigsty. And my husband can't possibly clean up after *himself* because he's exhausted from making this huge mess.

There's probably some wonderful something you could do to get them both to take more responsibility, but you already sound like superwoman. It's not for me to lecture you on the limits of your superbity.

I often feel the same way but then I step back and realize that when I went to take care of my mom for 10 days, the kids did not die from starvation, they had clothes to wear, they even slept and made it to school, all with dad's "help". When I came home the house was a mess, laundry was in baskets everywhere, the pantry had newly purchased items that I still had plenty in supply (he bought 3 small containers of poultry seasoning, and 2 containers of cinnamon, really?? Evidently every time he made a meal he took a list of what he needed and did not check if we already had it - or if he himself had recently purchased it. But when I complain he says things like "for $5 worth of spices I am not going to go crazy planning".). The counters had not been wiped since I left, nor had the kitchen floor been swept or washed. So they could actually survive and things got done without me, not to my standards or schedule, and the kids were very happy to see me for many reasons. But then again, if I had to take over a job for 10 days (or an afternoon) that I don't normally do or plan for I might also not be very efficient at it. And my husband has this come-back: you seem to want things a certain way and I don't care, so since you want to be in control I let you. Infuriating but deep down I admit that I do like the house run my way, so he has a point.
But my kids can eat cereal or soup and crackers or a granola bar if they are really hungry. And if I am too busy, I pop a frozen pizza in the oven for dinner.

sorry - when my 10 year old is hungry on the weekend - he states such and then fixes himself something to eat. So if she's perfectly capable of cooking or fixing herself something, she should have. I would NOT have fed her at 3PM. I would have made her wait.

You husband only had to work 3 hours and instead of verifying that her chores were done - he just said "okay"..????

My kids know my expectations. If I tell them what needs to be done while I am running errands, they know the consequences for NOT doing them. Your husband needs to step up to the plate.

Good luck!!!

You need to go out more often. Really. For yourself, and also so your daughter has more opportunities to practice getting stuff done without your constant supervision. Make it your homeschooling lesson for the day. Be clear about what you expect her to accomplish in the time you are gone, and ask if she needs additional support to do it... breaking tasks down, an hourly schedule or a check in phone call. Go out and good luck.

Is there a reason she couldnt make herself a bowl of cereal or sandwich?? Has she been told the kitchen is off limits without adult supervision? Is she special needs?
She should do her chores and do extra homeschooling tomorrow, not tv or play tomorrow until today and tomorrows work is done. Simple.
As to nothing gets done without the mama. Yea. sigh. I send you Sympathy.
Hope tomorrow goes better.

I think it's time to make a list of what needs to be done and then plan a spa weekend just for you. Yep--you read that correct. Make them fend for themselves. If a weekend doesn't work then next time leave for a week.

Hubby needs to understand that he is an adult and has a daughter who he is responsibile for. It is HIS responsibility to make sure his daughter's needs are being met. Ask him what he would do if you were (Goddess forbid) in a car accident and in the hospital for a week or a month?

Daughter needs to understand that doing miminal chores doesn't fly. UUUMMMM so I only use one plate one fork one spoon so that all I need to do????? No sweetie you need to do it all that includes whiping down the stove and counter top and any other spills or messes. You sit on the toilet seat and use the sink --- so wipe them down once a week.

Growing up we had two bathrooms in our house. By the time I was 11 I was responsibile to keep one bathroom clean all the time. Once a week I had to wipe out the tub, clean the toilet, wipe down counter + Knick-knacks and sink. No one told me go clean the bathroom, I knew it was my responsibility so it was done.

Ha, your post made me laugh. I feel like that some days. But then I have to remember all my husband does around here that I'm not noticing and I chill out! My oldest is 8 so I'm not quite there yet. But at age 11 I was making my own breakfast and lunch and helping with dinner. I was doing laundry and had an extensive chore list that was very well spelled out. Maybe sit down your daughter and tell her these things are her own responsibility...not her dad's. And if she forgets to eat all day again then she just has to wait till dinner time if it is too late for a snack. If she does not do her chores properly then the consequence will be x (more chores?). Btw, I feel like I work constantly too. I notice all the things that have to be done around here and it seems like my husband does not even notice them! I do need to start giving my oldest more chores and responsibilities! I don't want him to be that husband one day who does not help around the house!

I would enforce some consequences for her having lied to her father about doing her chores. (As in, she can go to bed immediately after dinner, and enjoy a LOT of extra chores tomorrow!) You have every right to be irritated! Your husband should have done a better job of following up (and frankly, he can deal with dinner being on the table late if it comes to that, since half of this is his fault anyway), and your daughter shouldn't have lied about doing her chores. Ugh! Have a glass of wine and a bubble bath tonight, mama!

An 11 year old couldn't make herself lunch? Even my 6 year old knows how to make a PB & J sandwich, or any sandwich, for that matter.

Are you sure home schooling is really such a good idea? It sounds like the girl is very immature and irresponsible, lacking in discipline and any semblance of a schedule or how the real world works. Sounds like there's no consequenses or sense of personal accountability (note my comment above) on her part, at all, for anything. Dad sounds like an older, male version of his daughter.

The fact that she needs to even be nagged to do any of this is ridiculous. And, the lying? Well she definitely needs to be punished. And, don't even get me started on "dad".

I do think your daughter is old enough to know to follow the rules BUT, and that's a big one, that when dad basically tells her that she doesn't have to do it she is only reacting to his philosophy. So in this case she gets a talking to but dad gets grounded....lol..

I would be so mad at him I'd still be chewing him out for his disrespectful attitude towards me.

He is not stupid, I bet he ate something. He knew she was hungry at some point and chose to not pay any attention to his parenting job. I'd be totally pissed off at him for days.

I think you may need to take a deep breath. It seems that you're focused on making sure everyone gets what they are supposed to get done - but nothing teaches a lesson better than true consequence.

Just like toddlers won't starve themselves to death when there's food at hand - it's the same for older kids. If she complains that she's hungry - she needs to go fix herself a plate of food. At 18 months my daughter can open a cupboard and grab a snack for herself if she really wants something bad. She can also reach up and grab a fruit off of a platter.

It sounds to me as if you're a bit of an enabler. Your family knows you'll swoop in behind them and make sure everything gets covered - so there's no pressure to make everything work according to schedule.

Try enforcing consequences :

If your husband forgets to check if she did the chores - you can forget to cook dinner for him

If your daughter forgets to eat - you can let her find food for herself

If your daughter forgets to do her chores - you can forget to give her something she likes ( spending money, dessert, something she was hoping you'd buy ).

The point here is that you won't get anywhere by fussing - but if they can draw immediate consequences to not doing what they are supposed to do - the onus is on them to step up and start making sure they don't encounter those consequences. And you can relax a bit :)

If you want something done......

Disconnect the TV until you see the change in behavior.

At 11 she is old enough to know when sheis hungry and make herself something to eat. Just my 2 cents

well, i'd vent too if i were you.
sheesh!
my first line of annoyance would be to DD, for the floppy helpless 'i'm starving but didn't fix myself a sammich' bit. i think that would annoy me more than the chores. don't let her 'eat and eat' for an hour. a good healthy meal, and dive into the chores.
one of the beauties of homeschooling is that schedules can be tweaked. and you can give kids tasks to do and not hover. give her her work and she can stay up late and get it done. i'll bet there are some reading assignments or video lectures or worksheets she can hunker down with while you're happily in bed.
and no more tv or fun stuff until she gets caught up.
as for the dh, a prolonged bout of stinkeye and a 'these are my expectations' conversation are in order.
finally they both owe you an afternoon at a nice spa.
hmph!
khairete
S.

Sometimes this sort of thing happens to me too. When I want specific things done, like the dinner being at least prepared before I get home, I call my husband at about 4 pm and remind him. That way, I know that he has at least an hour of last-minute panicking and rushing around getting the stuff done before I get home. Seems to work.

That's why they say "a woman's work is never done".
We see what needs getting done and just do it.

I'd let her chores slide for today so you can get to homeschoolin and
dinner.

Since it's not her fault she didn't have lunch (your hubby's), I would have let her eat a lot too. Don't let her go to bed w/o eating something else.
She can have some of the dinner when she IS hungry or later before bedtime give her a fillng, wholesome large snack.

We try to tackle things in order of importance (showers in the morning, errand running, lunch, work on some projects, work on some school things, make dinner, bath time if no shower for child in a.m., clean up from dinner, little tv, prepare for the next day).

Some days get tweaked due to unforseen things (helping a friend pick up her car, getting our own car into the shop, taking care of a friend's child, an impromptu run to the bank, grocery shopping etc. )

I wouldn't be too harsh on her. It's not her fault (she was rightly ravenous) and every day is a different day. Try to work with what you have. No harm, no foul.

They know you are ALWAYS going to do it, so they allow you to do so. Step back and as someone suggested, be willing to let it crash and trust me they will survive. Do it for you! You are not the only M. who feels that way, no matter what kind of "other" half you have, lol.