How to Get Kids to Listen

My son is in 3rd grade. Starting several years ago when he first had homework we had this problem of when to do it and the battle over when (not an issue of refusing to listen but definitely some push-back around timing if I said to do it right away or if not right away then getting him to stop what he was doing to do it.)

So the solution has been to put the decision of timing in his hands (not doing it has never been an option or issue, just the when). I recognize that he needs some downtime when he gets home from school. I did too way back when. I was allowed to play all afternoon and I did my homework after dinner (although I don't think I had as much at this age as he does).

As soon as we get home from the bus I ask him when he's going to do it and we set a timer. Some days he'll say 10 minutes, some days 20, some 45. He can spend that time relaxing, having a snack, whatever he wants, but when the timer goes off, it's homework time, no stalling, no arguing, no ifs, ands, or buts.

If there's something going on that day (sports practice, etc.) that limits the time available I'll remind him of that and the time he gets will be on the lower side, but still at least a little down time with a definite end.

I think it really helped giving him some choice in the matter, but also giving a strict rule that when the timer goes, it has to be done.

There is a great book called "how to talk so teens will listen and how to listen so teens will talk". I highly recommend it. This exact situation is one of the examples.

how old are the kids?

i never tolerated my kids flat-out ignoring me, o no, my precious. that to me is a far greater problem than the homework.

when my older was in first grade he got stubborn about doing his homework. he didn't ignore me, he battled me, with sulkiness and pouting.

i went to his (wonderful) teacher who smiled gently and said to enjoy our family evenings, to stop the battles, and to let the homework consequences happen at school where they belonged.

he did not like the consequences that happened at school.

boom.

now, not all teachers are that brilliant.

the problem popped back up in middle school, even more frustratingly. he would do the homework, just not turn it in. over and over. it was an baffling method of pushback against pressures he couldn't even really articulate. i realized there was more going on, and ended up homeschooling.

khairete
S.

Why don't you go the Love and Logic route? Remind him once or twice to do his homework then leave it up to him to actually do it. If he doesn't do it, he'll be hit with the natural consequence of not getting credit for it at school, which will hopefully get him to do his homework without reminders in the future.

Kids of certain age should do their homework without reminders from their parents. If you haven't already, you should read Parenting with Love and Logic.

I like the one reminder and then not mention it again. If it's not done, it's on him to face the consequences at school. But personally, I add to not giving any favors when time is short and homework still isn't is done. "Can I get a ride to friends house?" Sorry, but no, you still haven't done your homework. "Can I come along to Target with Dad and pick out some cereal?" No, sorry, homework has yet to be done. "Can we make rice krispie bars?" We can do that if there is time after your homework is finished.

It's just a task that needs to be completed no different than putting toys away before bringing out new ones.
My kids listen to me. Not sure how I did it. Started it when they were toddlers. There are consequences if they don't.

Our routine, which started 11 years ago when the first child started school, is that homework is done right after getting home from school. They can grab a snack first, but then it's homework time until it is complete. Reasonable exceptions for long-term projects and special circumstances, of course. I don't ever have to ask them about homework or remind them to do it. The routine is ingrained and it always gets done. Homework first thing means doing something else isn't even an option and it is impossible to forget to do it.

I suppose if one of my kids turned flat-out defiant and refused, that would annoy me a great deal but I'm not the one they need to explain themselves to about this. They'd have to face their teachers, counselors, etc at school. There would be consequences of poor grades such as being banned from their school activities or being required to attend the homework center after school. They wouldn't like it. If none of the consequences phased them, then I'd suspect a deeper issue to explore with a therapist.

i just went thru this yesterday.. i grabbed his homework papers and laid on the hardwood floor.. then i joyfully asked how do i do this.. acted cluelesss. my kid came over and was interested in what i didn't know. he saw it and then 'taught' me the math lesson and did his work while 'teaching 'me how to do it. he did the same with the reading paper..

I always had a specific homework time where the kids sat at the table and did their homework. No excuses, no I'll be there in a minute. If they weren't at the table I'd go looking and hold their hand to walk them to the table if needed. Since they didn't want to be treated like babies I usually didn't have to do that more than once or twice.

I think there are two "messages" that are important to keep in mind.

One is - school is your child's "job", and you do not want your child to get "a bad review" (get bad grades) or get in trouble with their school-job boss (their teacher). So, you are simply encouraging your child to complete the tasks that the boss has given. That relates to some of the responses below about consequences being at school.

The other thing to keep in mind is - create an "atmosphere of learning" around home all the time. Encourage a love of reading, visit museums, play games related to educational topics. Your child will be "studying" and "skill-building" without even knowing it! Which relates to some of the responses below like MilitaryMom's about how things can really go wrong if a child completely lacks school-related work outside of school.

I think it depends on the age and whether or not there are any learning disabilities. Assuming there are no issues (since you are so frustrated!), here's how I would do it:

For younger kids (K-2), have them sit at the kitchen table while you sit down with them to ask them what they have to do. Have them open their homework folders (right after they cleaned out their backpacks & lunch boxes), and have them just tell you what is expected for tomorrow. Then ask which one they want to start with. Go from there.

For older kids, I think you can have them put their stuff out on the table and ask them when they want to do it ("Do you want to do it at 3:30 or at 4:00?") and then set the kitchen timer for them. Beyond that, I don't think there's anything horrible about them going to school without the work done! They'll be a day behind, they'll have to explain to the teacher why their didn't do the work (they will NOT enjoy doing this every day!), and they'll have to skip recess or whatever the teacher's consequences are for failing to do assigned work. Nobody fails 3rd or 6th grade for failing to do homework a couple of times! That's really important to understand! But there will be consequences (not "punishment") from the teacher and that's a very powerful motivator for kids! Staying in during recess to work with a teacher aide, or skipping the class movie because they have worksheets due, or being deprived of free reading time (or whatever the class reward/opportunity is for those who have done the work) really makes the kids feel more responsible themselves. And if the kid comes home and says, "I got in trouble for not doing homework, and it's all your fault, Mom," you just say, "How unfortunate for you. I asked you about your work and you said you didn't have any or it was under control. Maybe you'll make a different decision next time." Don't buy into the "fault" argument!

Once they're in middle school and certainly high school, I think parents stay out of the daily reminders entirely. You can certainly ask them what their workload looks like so you can figure out when to do dinner and when they should do chores and showers and TV time, but they should be able to estimate their needs and provide input into the schedule by this age. I do think it makes sense to discuss what they are doing and find out about bigger projects (especially the ones that require you to gather tons of supplies!) but they have to be more responsible by then. Hopefully you've laid the ground work for that from the younger years.

It was just something that was understood in my household. My parents instilled in me that homework came first before play after school. So it took me all evening then there was no play while other kids were outside playing until dark.

My kids had the same rule = homework first. They would/could ask for help from me back then. I helped my son do a project when his partner had to go back to the states for a funeral. He had to write out what he wanted to say and I typed it up for him. I did the art part of the project because his partner was not there. Otherwise, it would have been all on him. He got a passing grade and was very pleased with what he had done.

Start young and continue and be consistent. It does pay off.

Have a great weekend.

the other S.

PS There are always consequences from the teacher if work is not done.

So, different problem but similar. We homeschool. Each morning my son receives a checklist of things he needs to get done, both self-care/chores and school/learning activities.

Yesterday he was dragging his feet, making excuses, and at about noon I reminded him once (only once, because I'm fine with the consequence and it's instructive) "I'm available for instruction up until 2. If your work isn't done, no media time." Period.

I'd rather he had a hard afternoon of missed media time/privileges than spend every day trying to convince him. And wouldn't you know? he got started on the tasks ... he even surprised me by starting a research activity on anemones without my help. Often, taking a step back and letting the consequences do their work (esp as stated below in Annette D's suggestion, or as others have said-- let them show up without complete homework).

For what it's worth, one of the best things that happened in second grade, when the 'homework time' was becoming horrible, tear-filled (him) and exhausting (me)... the teacher and I had a talk. He said "I know parents feel they are responsible for their kid's homework, but I'm releasing you from that. If he doesn't do the work, let him talk to me about it." I loved that teacher! He understood that Kiddo would be far more likely to just get it done if he didn't get out of it by pleading with mom-- and many times after that, if Kiddo didn't want to do it, I just replied, "Okay, you'll have to explain it to Mr. Brown, not me"... and voila! it got done! :)

I disagree with many of the posters that state to wait for the "natural consequence" that will happen at school for not getting it done. Aside from the fact that I think this simply gives kids the wrong idea about making it the school's problem, there is a big problem with the SCHOOL not giving any real consequences for missing work. I've seen this so many times in my nearly 30 years of dealing with school with 6 kids. My nephew is a prime example of this:

So from grades K - 7 or 8, basically my nephew has never turned in 1 piece of homework (I am absolutely not exaggerating about this). His parents (one being my brother) were of the opinion that they would just let the natural course of things work themselves out. They weren't going to "force" the situation. They were going to give him 2 reminders and then that was it. Well, for those years, a couple of things happened. My nephew was bright enough that while he never did any homework, he paid just enough attention to get ok grades on the tests. Test were weighted higher than homework, so he basically ended up with C grades, and the occasional D on his report card. In other words, he passed every class. If there was an event at the end of the school year that was based on attending if all the missing homework was turned in, the teachers would sit down with ALL the students that were missing homework the last week of school and if they showed up every day that last week after school and made the attempt, they were allowed to go on the trip. My nephew did it some years but not others. The trip was to an amusement park - he hates rides - so really didn't care one way or the other.

By 8 - 9th grade or so, he fell far enough behind from not doing the homework that he could no longer pass tests (mostly in Math and Science, where homework is practicing formulas and such). This caused him to fail multiple classes starting in 9th grade. Which of course snowballed into him simply deciding by 11th grade (which is where he is now) that attending school is stupid because he cannot pass anyways. He is so far behind on skills in math and science that he simply cannot get caught up. His only alternative at this point is to attend an ALC (which my brother will not allow - that's a whole other issue).

It isn't just my nephew - this has happen to other kids. Teachers at our school state that it is a pandemic - this attitude from the parents of "well, we will just let the natural consequences take over and that will solve the problem."

Good behavior, including good work and study habits, start at home. You are responsible for teaching your child how to get the work done first and play time is later.

Good luck.

How your child responds to homework is very telling to a teacher, believe it or not.

Not in a good or bad way...just is. Let the teacher know (like what Nervy said).

The other thing for me is to make it fun. My two boys (from K on) can sit and complete their homework without incident.

My daughter, not so much. So I have to be creative. Pinterest is helpful for this. Like letter scavenger hunt (spelling), connect four (math).

Sometimes she has turned in the homework not finished. She was either burnt out that day, needed more instruction or? I've always had a positive reaction from the teacher.

Age can influence how a child responds to homework. Could you include the age in an update?

Homework is top priority in my house. No TV until it's done. No nothing until it's complete (except sometimes dinner if it's been a long day). I also don't allow electronics Sunday night through Friday evening. No electronics on Sunday until all HW is complete.

One thing I do is stay present during homework time. If I am cooking dinner, she will do it in the kitchen. If I am upstairs, she will do it in her room. I like to be accessible to answer questions and go over anything.

Talk to the teacher. Let them know you have done your part and it's time for your child to have consequences from them. This kid is ignoring you and the teacher. The teacher is his authority figure at school and regarding all school related stuff.

Have the teacher take care of this and don't bother at home any more. I am very glad that most teachers are getting away from homework and not sending anything home with them anymore.

The quickest way to fun is to get the work done.
Cross stitch that and hang it on your wall.
When he gets home, he gets a quick snack, gets to use the bathroom - and then sits down at the table (kitchen, dining room, what ever - so long as it's in a public place in the house and everyone can see what he's doing) and then the home work gets done - and NOTHING ELSE HAPPENS until it is completed.
There's no reminding because he's not doing anything else until his work is completed.
No tv, no games, no internet (unless it's for homework purposes), no phone, etc.
Once it's done, then he can do fun stuff.
Some nights - there's just too much homework to have any time for fun stuff - that's just the way it is.
On those nights - he gets a dinner break, then gets back to work.
As a senior - our son has had to pull a few all night homework sessions - not many - but he's proud of his straight A's and puts the work into it when he needs to.

How old is your child? If you child is in high school that there does need to be more responsibility on his/her part and less on yours. The fact that you kept saying "kid" makes me think much younger.

It isn't that your child isn't listening. I'm sure your child has heard you each and every time you spoke. Your child is choosing not to do homework, and you are allowing that choice.

Personally, I don't remind my son to do his homework. Rather I tell him that it's time to do homework and that he needs to sit at the kitchen table and do his homework. It isn't a choice, and I don't wait until he decides he feels like doing it. He would probably never feel like doing it or "want to start working on it." But this is part of life. He needs to do it, and it's my job to make sure he does.

I think it's easier when you have them sit down at the kitchen table and do it right when they get home from school. Give them a good snack and some milk and they just do it. No excuses. Homework before fun.

My kids are older and have chores. I don't have to keep telling them anymore. They get home, have a snack and then chores (posted by day on the fridge) are done before they get on their tablets or xbox. If they "forget" something and it doesn't get done, then no tablet or xbox the next day.

There needs to be a consistent consequence to the choice they make. Get them in the habit of doing it right away. It's too hard to let them have "fun" then try to get them to sit down hours later to do homework. JMO Good luck.

Try setting a timer (reasonable time for each assignment) and offering both an incentive for finishing and a consequence for failing to finish. Make sure to follow through (no "I'll give you a few more minutes"; they will cease to take it seriously.) It helps with my foot draggers.

We sit down at the table after dinner. No one leaves the table for baths/free time till homework is done. It usually goes pretty quickly. I sit at the table too...even if I'm not doing anything. I will listen or ask questions...or make comments. My kids seem to enjoy having the audience. PS - My son used to refuse to do homework 4th grade was the worst. 5th grade was sometimes a struggle. He became more mature after that and now wants to get his homework done (the last 2 years, 6th and 7th grade have been great). When he used to be impossible about it I would do what I could but if he didn't get it done I would let the teacher handle it. PS - My son picked the after dinner time. It was important to him to have down time when he got home from school. We eat dinner about 5:30 or 6 so there is enough time afterwards. Since we have had a set time it has become a habit. We eat, clear the table and then the kids gather their homework and sit at the table till it is done.

How old are they?

I started the minute my son can home with homework.. I can't remember if that was preschool or kindergarten. However, since my son has a learning disability and speech delay, he was used to me sitting down with him on a daily basis with flash cards , coloring books, and Velcro labels. So him bringing home work was just routine. I told him he was a big boy now and he needs to work on his homework first and then we could play.. he always responded to the " first and then" strategy.. I still use it sometimes and he is 13 now and fully independent with homework and studying.

So habits stick with kids. Start them young and they learn to incorporate it in their lives.

If you teach them that homework is their job and we all have one then it gives the responsibility back to them. If they don't perform well, their are consequences- more homework, less free time.. even being held back.. consistency pays.