Why Is My Daughter So Mean?

This is so funny!! I had to laugh!! When she has a reason to change she will. I she changes into a delicate little girl right now, she will get eaten alive by the boys. When she goes to junior high, she might change. Girls can not let their brothers have the upper hand..

What does she do that is mean? It almost sounds as if the fact that she doesn't play with dolls and enjoy tea parties equates with meanness. I was never very "girly" as a child (I still am not). And my daughter is a lot like me. I have two older brothers and no sisters, and had no female cousins younger than me. My daughter likes to "compete" with my son (who is older than her) and plays with him and his friends. She also has friends that are girls, but they actually usually play outside together.. and often involving my son as well. She is JUST getting where she will let me paint her fingernails (she is almost 9 yrs). And she STILL refuses anything pink or flowery looking. Picking an Easter dress was a NIGHTMARE (But we found a nice blue and green polka-dot she was able to live with, lol).

It sounds to me like your daughter is just trying to fit into the family dynamic she has found herself in... the younger sibling to 3 older boys. And frankly, from that perspective, it is very easy to see how she might be trying to physically assert herself to make her own place in the family. Boys tend to "value" physical dominance.. and I bet they ignore her up until she whacks them. I am NOT saying that it is acceptable for her to hit, only that I can see how she might tend that way. Does she get time to play with other little girls without the boys around? She may not play "Barbie" in the traditional way (my daughter used Polly Pockets and Spiderman action figures to play out superhero sequences... not to dress her up and play kissy with a "husband" or shop), but she may play more quietly than the boys would (you won't even HEAR my daughter in her room playing.. even if the toys are waging war, with boys you will hear every "explosion" and "shot" fired, lol).
I have found that even with just one boy and one girl, I sometimes had to tell my daughter that it was okay for her to play dolls or want to play with her hair, etc. She would sometimes act embarrassed to want to do these things. Now that she is a little older, she has more female friends of her own and when she goes on sleepovers, they play board games and Polly's and paint fingernails, etc. She is much more her own person.

As for being "girly" vs. being "mean"... be careful not to compare the two things. They are not opposites. Mean is not being sensitive to how you make others feel, or hitting, or being selfish. You would discipline a boy for the same things. Girly is not the same as being "nice". She doesn't have to be "girly" if she doesn't want to, and you can't make her. You shouldn't make her. You can encourage her and let her try out dolls and dresses and flowers and frilly things, and soft colors, etc.. but if she doesn't like them... welllll, then she doesn't. That could change later. Or not. But it isn't wrong or need to be corrected. Meanness... that is just a discipline matter.

Belinda-
Right now she is just modeling the behaviors of her older brothers. As you get older she might, and I say might, start some more female gender behaviors. Do the two of you ever play dress up or dolls or tea party? Honestly, I know this is probably a "no", you have 5 children from 6 to infant. Do you have any family or friends that she can play "girly" games with? Personally, I was not a girly girl at all. I loved my brother's cars and all the "boy" toys. We lived with my 85 yo great-grandmother from the time I was two until about 6 and us girls would be punished for playing with his stuff and not our own. I don't recommend that =oP
If you give her time, her own personality will come out. If yo think she's playing too rough. You need to put down the guidelines. If her behavior is similar to her brothers', they need rules and guidelines too.
S.

If she's destroying her dolls - I would stop buying her dolls. Maybe she would rather cars, or a tonka truck. Personally, when she doesn't share I would take away what she has. I would tell her the behavior is unacceptable. When she beats up the boys - I would do a timeout with a warning. Enforce the timeout. Stand over her not allowing her to get up. In public, or at a park, or a McDonalds play area if she hits someone - its time to leave, immediately. Remove her from something she enjoys - again telling her it is NOT acceptable to hit people. Consistency is key here. You need to be all over this behavior and stop it now before.

What do you do when she doesn't share? When she beats up the boys? And punches people?

What would you do differently if it was one of your boys acting this way?

She's really pretty young to actually be mean spirited, so I would look at what other reasons she could be acting this way. How do you react? How does your husband react? Is she inadvertently being rewarded for this behavior? Is there anything else at play here? Is she still getting naps? My daughter is three and still needs her nap or else she is harder to deal with.

Good luck!

I'm not sure mean is the right word. She's just being one of the boys. Manners are for boys as well as girls. If I see a behavior I don't like, I don't care if it's a girl or a boy, I'm going to instruct them on the proper behavior. Personally I like tom boys. They hold their own and don't seem to need rescuing like some of the prissy princesses I see out there. She'll grow and be her own person and will be fine.

Please don't take this the wrong way because it's not intended badly, but kids talk and act according to what they see modeled by those around them. If her brothers play rough, it's natural she would think that is normal. I don't think buying dolls will counter what she hears as far as how people speak and interact with each other. If you want her to be calm, polite, etc, then she'll need to see that modeled in the home. She'll need to be taught,, along with the boys, what is acceptable behavior (i.e. punching is not allowed, and consequences will be ...)
I would suggest reading Love & Logic books, as well as a book called How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk. (You can find it for just a few bucks used on Amazon)

I agree with most of the other responses - this is very common when a girl has so many brothers - I grew up with two older brothers and two younger brothers and I was such a tomboy. I did have an older sister and she was constantly embarrassed that I didn't act enough like a girl (with 7 kids, my mom obviously didn't have time to care ;) As someone else noted, once she hits the pre-teen/teen years she will more want to fit in with her peers - my older sister was thrilled when I would finally wear a dress for Easter when I was in 8th grade. Also, as someone else also noted, as an adult she will be able to hold her own in a male dominated environment - that can take her a long way. I'm an engineer and made it through college despite having some of guys tell me I didn't need to worry how I did on a physics test because I was just going to get married and have babies. Today, I work in an industry organization that has about 98% men and 2% women. I am petite (and wear dresses and pay some attention to how I look) and the guys are always amazed how I can hold my own with them - they can bully me and I won't back down. Men and women do have different styles in working with others, but having had years of success in holding my own with boys, this is a piece of cake for me. Also, I have two sons and despite my oldest being a foot taller about about 80 lbs heavier, I can still discipline him.

That all said, I do sympathize with you because I had really wanted a girl - I like to sew and I could imagine making her the cutest dresses. But, God had other plans, thankfully, as in hindsight given my background I might not have been the best role model for a girl, although I can guarantee she wouldn't have been girly. Another thing to consider is that there is nothing wrong with boys having dolls - it may just be that your daughter being the only one with a doll is why she doesn't want to play with it. I never told my sons that there were girl toys vs boy toys. They both had dolls when they were younger and I can guarantee that doesn't make them less male. So, maybe you can show them all how to nurture the dolls (or stuffed animals), play house, etc. IMHO, there's nothing wrong with trying to raise boys that are sensitive and nurturing - indeed I think our world would be a whole lot better place these days if more men were.

I'm sorry but this just made me chuckle...LOL I have two girls and NO boys and my girls pride themselves in telling everyone they are "tomboys"...My oldest will not wear a dress if it was the only thing around...Don't get me wrong it's not that they are not "feminene"(sp)...they are just very athletic and not "girly", or anything like that.. Don't even think of putting pink anywhere near them...lol think if it as a blessing... Would you rather her be athletic wearing basketball shorts that go to her knee or wearing "booty" shorts that go up her butt? I say foster the basketball shorts...while you still can... don't push the dolls, athletic kids stay out of trouble more...Besides, at least you will know she can protect herself...:-)

do her brothers act this way? she doesn't understand that she is different from them yet, that girls act and play differently. talk to her, explain that this is not how girls act and treat their dolls. she will understand later. I would work on the hitting first and being gentle.