Why Is It So Hard for Me to Move Away?

You've gotten great advice, and I'll add just one thing. We've moved many times due to my dh's job. Large foreign countries, a small foreign island, big apartments, small ugly apartments, houses, cities, villages - you name it. Often it was scary. Often it was confusing. One time when dh was assigned to Italy I didn't know we had a dishwasher for the first month. It looked like a cabinet that didn't open. One day I bumped against it accidentally in just the exact spot, and it opened and there was a glistening dishwasher! At that same apartment, the only directions we were provided for the strange oven were in Arabic.

But at each place, it helped to do one familiar thing that we enjoyed. Have a glass of a favorite wine (not a new unfamiliar local variety, but our old favorite, just like always). Cook something familiar even if it wasn't a typical dish from the new region we were in. On the strange third-world island, the kids didn't want mangoes or coconut curry, they wanted macaroni and cheese and chicken during those first weeks. They eventually got to appreciate the local stuff and even enjoy a lot of it. But not at first. I put out some familiar pictures and books. New beds in new bedrooms still had favorite blankets and familiar pillows or stuffed animals.

I think that reminds us of what hasn't changed. Yes, the walls are different. So is the traffic, the accents, the laws, the room configuration, the lawn and garden (or lack of), the stores, the people, the landscape, etc.

But what hasn't changed is the family, the love, the people, the traditions, the memories, the things that make your family yours. Find what makes your family strong and focus on that. You may find that it's not suburbia or the big city, not an apartment or a house, not a gas stove or an electric one, not a car or a subway. But it's Grandma's famous casserole that you make every holiday, or the favorite birthday cakes, or the music you listen to, or the stories you read together, or the familiar blanket on the new couch that you cuddle under when watching your favorite movie. Find those things and take them with you to wherever you go.

Oh dear, you must get some help. You cannot carry the entire burden of "getting yourself ready" for things when you have such anxiety or depression or whatever it is that governs and triggers these breakdowns.

You did a great job getting a driver's license, you really did. But it, and the closing and the move, took too much out of you. You are dragging yourselves and your poor daughter all over the place, thinking that the answer to misery and unhappiness is in a house, a town, a state. It's not. It's within you. But you are in need of professional and guided support. There's no shame in that.

You cannot treat strep throat and bronchitis with a little bit of cold medicine. That's what you're trying to do with your emotional health and life goals. You work on one part of the problem and can't believe it when the other parts overwhelm you. Please, give this gift to yourself - get treatment for the whole problem, with a professional who will help you break it down into smaller parts but not stop after one part is dealt with. If you were physically ill, you'd admit it and get help. Being emotionally ill is just as valid and just as treatable.

I moved out of the city. I also do not live near my family and am very close to them. Some of my family live very close to one another, in a little town and have what appears to be an 'idyllic' life - going for brunch together, and popping by for coffee all the time. We FaceTime, and it's hard being one of the siblings that is away. Sometimes I feel very alone - which is weird, because I have my family here, friends and my 'tribe' (peeps) but it doesn't matter - I miss them. So I get that part of it. At times, especially after we visit, I feel very homesick for home. I get teary when we leave and my husband feels badly (we had the option to move nearby once for my career and we didn't because I didn't want to uproot my family).

However - how do I handle it? The moms below have it right - you focus on what you do have. You get a grip. You realize, your life is about your family. Everything that matters to you is with you and your home is what/wherever you make it.

It took a little while to make friends when we first moved here - I'm kind of shy and not the most outgoing type, but even so - through the kids and just putting yourself out there, it happens. Then you have your little tribe. You join something, you meet someone - and so long as you're friendly, you meet other people. Over time - it forms.

The anxiety - when you think 'it will never happen?' it does happen. You have to have faith that it will. That's when you say 'what's the worst thing that can happen?'.

So in your case - if you give it a year. Say you rent out your apartment for a year. You live in the suburbs for a year. What's the worst that can happen. You say I will really give it a go, because that's the fair thing to do for ME, my hubby and child.

You get on some meds to control the anxiety, and you continue with the counseling (maybe try a new therapist - even if you just go to one to talk and get it out, that can be extremely helpful so you don't feel you're dumping it all on your hubby), and you just live there and promise you'll meet your child's friends' parents. You'll join one thing - whether it be a gym there (great for anxiety), etc.

That would be my suggestion. Don't have huge expectations. Just go and BE.

What's the worst that can happen? You might feel homesick. Then you can go to the city one weekend a month or something and see a show (or do whatever would make you happy). Do it as a treat. Make a date with a girlfriend or see your family, etc.

Change it up - to make it a POSITIVE.

Good luck to you. You can do this!!!!!

I do that with my family now - I go visit and it's fun. We do girl weekends :) I look forward to them and when I leave, I already have scheduled the next visit so I always have something to look forward to so it's a positive. Helps :)

About 3 years ago, we realized our house was too small. We started looking at houses, contemplating where we wanted to move to (closer to work, farther out, etc.) While I was excited about more spaced, the whole idea just made me want to cry. I did cry, repeatedly, for a year.

Since then we have moved. I do not like change. There really wasn't much I didn't like about my previous place. While I'm not close to my parents, they were 12 minutes away. Once, when hubby was away, we had a leak. My dad came over and fixed it within the hour. You can't beat that. Trader joes was 5 minutes one way, another fav store 4 min the other way. I was 20 minutes max to all of my friends.

When we moved, I could easily have found myself going down a negative rabbit hole of complaint. Instead, when my brain started with," I have to drive 13 f'n minutes to the store! I use to go there and be home within 30!?" I focused on the positives. I reminded myself that I get to see deer daily, that yes, it takes an hour to drive to see your best friend, but your husband is 12 minutes away, etc.

With time, the store doesn't seem like such a long drive. I like my new neighbors. I've adjusted to driving 45 minutes for everything -we do a lot of audio books.

Moving is hard, but it is something you can get your head around. I know, I did it, and my husband swore he would never get me out of our old house. I still miss it terribly, but this new place is starting to feel, kind of sort of, like mine.

You get use to it by doing it, and doing lots of meditation and gratitudes to help overcome the negative rabbit hole that won't let you see the positives the new life will bring.

i think your husband has a point. you don't sound happy in NY, and even if you are, if your husband and daughter aren't, it's not the right place for your family when you have a choice.

but your reaction to moving is very troubling. i'm so sorry it was so hard for you, my dear. also that your therapist didn't help.

but sometimes it takes more than a few times to crack the egg, and your issues sound fairly profound.

i think you need a multi-pronged approach. go the new house on weekends only. or let your husband and daughter move, and you come visit them when you feel you can. since your daughter wants to be in the suburban school, that should weigh heavily in the decision where she should be.

i'm sorry you're faced with such a struggle. i think you need some very intensive therapy with a really good psychiatrist so that you can face the underlying fears that are wrecking your life. you deserve better than this constant fear and worry.

get help, hon. i'm rooting for you.
khairete
S.

I've moved many times. You have to give a new place two years before deciding anything. It takes that long to really feel settled, like you have good friends, and like you are finding your niche. You have to give things more time! Also, you can find happiness anywhere. Every place has pluses and minuses. Where you live now in NY has a bunch of pluses that you like but I'm sure it also has a whole bunch of minuses. The same with suburbia. At first you will only notice the minuses but after a couple years you will say, oh hey! I actually really like x, y and z about this suburbia location after all and I'll miss these things a lot if I move. I have left some places that i LOVED. I LOVED Alaska and was heartbroken to leave. But you know, I have a lot of pluses now here where we live and some really great friends. We lived in a big city for 3 years and I hated it there at first. But when we left I realized all I would miss. Remember the rule: You can't make any judgments or decide anything for 2 years.
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Hey - I wanted to add something. You should work on changing your mindset...life and happiness should not be about a place. It's about your family and those who you love. Having a great husband and child. Loving and supporting each other. As long as you have them you should feel like you can find the good in any place. Moving to a new place means you have the fun of exploring and finding things you like. Focus on making new friends. Focus on the fun around you. Focus on the positives. It sounds like you hyper focus on the negatives ??? It also sounds like you are an extreme worrier/have anxiety. Good luck.

When I moved to join my husband overseas it was really hard, I was afraid to even leave the house because I did not speak the language and was not sure what I would do if I got lost or something. After the first 30 days I seriously considered moving back to the US and leaving him there, but I stuck it out, learned the language, founds some fun hangouts, met some great people, and ended up loving it. Change takes time, but I agree you didn't really give it a fair shot if you left after such a short time.

We recently moved from a big city to a nearby suburb and I agree the change can be very hard. I went from being able to walk everywhere (kid's school, public transportation, grocery store, etc) to having to drive everywhere and it's very hard. I realize that walking around the city provided me with a sense of community and connection that I really miss. That being said, the way you are reacting to this change speaks a lot about some underlying anxiety issues. I would really suggest medication. I took Zoloft for a while and it helped me cope and get over the hump of debilitating anxiety. Good luck. Change is hard!

It is hard to move...I would probably be kinda weirded out to have to live so close to people in an apartment in a big city. We have 3/4 of an acre lots and big spaces. Yes, I have to drive everywhere even my kids schools. I admit driving isn't my favorite but it isn't the end of the world.

I think you missed a great window of school starting at the new house. You could go up to the school everyday or three days a week, etc. and volunteer. This is where you meet other stay at home moms who have kids in your school and area. These moms become your new tribe...you meet for coffee before going to volunteer, you go to lunch in the middle of volunteering or when you are done before kid pick up, and you make new friends. These are the ladies you go on Girl's Night Out with and your daughter may or may not be friends with their kids but that's ok you start gathering other new people in your life.

If you move back over the winter break and get your child enrolled and get into the school year the summer is easier. But you moved when everyone already has plans for the summer and are meeting up and it is harder to get into the groove of suburbia.

Maybe even talking to your medical doctor about something to lower your anxiety for a short period of time just to adjust if a therapist didn't help. There are even online therapists now you can Skype or Face Time them and maybe find one you like to talk about lowering your anxiety.

Big hugs and good luck!!

I think you need to continue with a new therapist. It’s hard for most people to move but this is extreme. People below managed to adjust to new countries. Your move is much less dramatic so it shouldn’t be THIS hard. I’ve moved a lot and it does take time but I always found some good aspects right away. It’s almost like depressed people feel. They can’t see the good often without medication. I wonder if your anxiety gets so high it’s very similar and you need an anti anxiety or something to put you in a more rational frame of mine. Pining for NYC so extremely is a bit irrational. This move isn’t necessarily forever either. And you can go visit. Reminds me too of a boyfriend breakup and the person swears he is the ONLY person they can ever be happy with and they believe it. Happened to me. I needed to go on an antidepressant for a short time to realize, yeah, lots of great things about the ex but I could see the potential to be with someone else. Before the pils, i just couldn’t see ever meeting anyone ever again. But I did!

I also suggest counseling because to have a nervous breakdown and tears every day is not "normal."

Yes, it takes months to feel at home in a new house. I suggest you're having such emotional difficulty because you're waiting to make a final decision. Of course you're overwhelmed. I suggest that actually moving, not keeping an apartment in New York, could make moving less fraught with these negative emotions. The decision to move is done. My mother would say to me when I was having difficulty leaving someone, "let go of the board before you get slivers."

I'm suggesting counseling with a different focus. Instead of focusing on your inability to move, focus on yourself and why this is so difficult. Don't try to convince yourself you have to make a choice. Don't try to make a choice. Leave that alone. Find out why your emotions are so raw.

Sounds like you're extremely anxious and depressed. Consider medication along with talk therapy. I've dealt with depression and anxiety my whole life. Medication has enabled me to benefit from counseling.

Moving is very difficult emotionally and physically in the best of circumstances. You have an added layer of what I would call extreme anxiety. Counselors have told me anxiety causes depression. I suggest you try meds before you start working on your move.

Later I read some of your previous posts. I think you overthink things. That's the anxiety. Life does not need to be that hard. I urge you to start counseling focusing on how to lower your level of anxiety. I suggest you stop trying to make a decision until you get anxiety under control.

Even if you don't move, a house is a good investment. I hope that you keep it. You can rent it out if that will help.

This isn’t normal. For heaven’s sakes, you’re showing your daughter that women are either weak or manipulative. And if you aren’t careful, your husband will end up divorcing you over this.

Whining about suburbia not being convenient is just childish. You live in the same country. I’ve lived overseas where I didn’t speak the language. The idea that you would put your family through this over moving out of a 2 bedroom apartment is just crazy. Go to a psychiatrist who can medicate you and a different counselor.

Everything is new. That is nothing small. Not only are you moving, but you're moving from a city to a suburb, a new state, a new type of residence (apartment vs house), you learned to drive, you have new friends, new routines, new schools, new roads to learn, .... I mean I could go on and on. It's stressful!!!! I think you need to cut yourself a little slack. I think you see that you didn't give it a fair shot and that's a necessary step. I think you should find a new counselor because finding one you like and one you feel helpful is extremely important. And my words of wisdom are to throw yourself into your new environment as much as possible. Put yourself out there. It sounds like you already have friends so that's huge. Take your time and don't be so hard on yourself if you get lost, forget something, don't know the routine of something....just try your best to learn it and learn to laugh at yourself for mistakes you're bound to make.

We moved just over a year ago and it's taken me all this time to adjust. Some things are easier than others, but I was devastated to leave my old neighborhood. But you have to find the good and open your mind and heart. Being adaptable is a good life skill to have. You can do hard things.

I think that you need to discuss your anxiety with your doctor and go back to your therapist. It takes more than a few sessions with a therapist to get anywhere.

Moving is hard. I'm not saying otherwise. I've done it lots of times, and I've always gotten homesickness right around the 2-3 month mark. At the point, the new excitement has worn off but there the new place doesn't feel like home yet. It takes 6 months for me to start to feel at home, and a full year to be comfortable and since I'm an introvert, longer than that to really start building a support system with new friends. But, being so anxious and upset about it that you have multiple nervous breakdowns and uncontrollable crying - I do not think this is a typical homesickness reaction. And, since it is out of the ordinary, I think you should talk to professionals about it.

Sending you strength. In a similar boat. Native New Yorker. Hubs has never been enchanted by city living or NY. The thought of a suburb or driving is stifling for me. Talks of moving to a college town with a walkable downtown, ie amherst, new paltz, Portland on the agenda.

I’ve let him take the lead on figuring out the logistics. He hasn’t gotten around to getting it done. If it were my goal, we would have moved in a years time.

As the years go by and friends relocate, and the traffic on the LiE and commute grow less civil, I’m beginning to realize that the pros aren’t outweighing the cons.

I lived in a 2 bed appt. For 3 years.. I paid rent for those three years. I have nothing to show for all the money I shelled out for that place. My now husband had bought a house and was paying for it. His mortgage was about 300$ cheaper than my rent. and in the end he has a house to show for all his payments.
while living in an appt. I had to be mindful of the other renters. In my home I can be loud if I want to, I can play my piano as loud as I feel like. In an appt people complained if I was vacuuming at 3 am but no one says a word when I do it in my own house.
For the next few years enjoy the silence when you want it the ability to stomp on the floor when your angry. The ability to come home or leave without anyone seeing you do it.
If you don't like the freedom of the house and yard then go back to appt. Living