Why Does Yelling Work?

Yelling worked that time because they realized that mommy was frustrated, serious, and at the end of her rope. You apologized later. Good job making it through a long day, mom. :)

Yelling only works when it is used sparingly. If it is used regularly it is not effective. If you use it occasionally they think "Oh man, she's yelling, she must be serious!".

It works because it is different. I don't yell so when I yell they think the sky is falling. It scares them so they fall in line. Then I feel guilty and apologize.

I suppose if I yelled all the time being quiet would scare the shite out of them.

Yelling does NOT work. It only worked this time because it's a rare occurrence, and the kids were surprised by it. If yelling becomes common in your household, your kids will start to ignore it, believe me.

Yelling is bad. Stick with your original plan. :)

It works for YOU because it isn't something you do often. It is shocking to them. And it is shocking enough to distract them from whatever was going through their little minds and it hits the "reset" button, along with the "yikes, that sounded serious" button.

Hang in there. Dad is away and the days are long. I get it.

Because fear is one of the most powerful motivators in existence.

The problem? It's just destructive. So you can't use it long term. No one wants to be yelled at. No one want to see someone out of control. No one wants to feel small and insecure and frightened..... having no idea how far the other person will go.....

So they do what you want. right then. Because they'll do anything to make it stop.... to get their peaceful world back.

That's why it works.

It worked because it was shocking. They knew they must have really been bad for mom to yell.

That is why yelling all of the tie, just teaches children to yell all of the time.

It is good you told them you were sorry. Maybe tomorrow or some time mention you do not want them to behave like that again.. They need to learn their words, so that you can help them.

I think it only "works" when you use do it rarely. When we yell kids either feel like we are out of control and it disturbs them, or if it's often, they tune it out... and it still disturbs them.

I love that you are trying to eliminate it from your communication and that you apologized. In both cases it sounds like you know it doesn't really work, but you are human and everyone loses it sometimes. It's good for your kids to know that when you do something "wrong" that you apologize to them. They will respect that and probably apologize to you when they can't hold it together and blow up at you.

It doesn't "work." It's destructive to their psyche and their esteem. It might have caused them to get in bed, but not for a healthy or productive reason. They were afraid of you, and scared by you. Is that what you call "working?"

When I yell (very rare) it freaks my kids out, hurts their feelings, and makes them ask me things like "Mom, why did you say that so mean? Do you hate me?" The focus is totally shifted away from their own misbehavior, and spotlights my bad behavior.

Does it work? Yes, but so does remaining calm and present so they know I'm serious and a consequence is imminent if they decide to keep acting poorly. When I'm calm and issue a clear warning that I am serious about, they don't think it's ME who's crazy, they know it's their own specific behavior that needs to change.

I'm sure you know families where the parents are ALWAYS yelling and the kids don't care at all. That's what happens if you do it all the time. It doesn't work anymore. Or it may work in the moment, but overall the kids are used to it and find their parents annoying. Or they're scared if parents lose control when angry as yelling could be a sign of anger. In any case. It's not worth the momentary satisfaction of screaming at kids. We all do it sometimes, it's human, but it's not good.

It worked because you don't do it very often. Save it for when you really need it. It sounds like this is what you did. And the apology afterwards is helpful and appropriate.

Kids need boundaries. Sometimes they keep pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing so they can redefine those boundaries that make them feel safe.

Doing this tonight he was pushing to see how far he could go. I heard a story yesterday from a friend that was telling a story on her mom. She said they were going to go do something and her mom clapped her hands twice and said "Let's go!". My friend said that her mom only claps her hands like that when she's had enough and it's time to fall into line. So this mom clapped her hands to let her family know she was at her limit.

Another way is raising your voice. Sometimes kids have so much going on in their minds they just can't get unfocused enough to hear anything else going on. So raising your voice can work in that situation.

Tonight your kids heard you use language they don't normally hear you use and they heard your voice much louder. They now know you mean business when you say it's time for bed. They will test you again and pretty much will continue to push you until you blow up and yell again.

I think it's a combination of many things you mentioned. Hubby is gone, sister was trying to read, little guys hiney bothered him, etc....plus you did everything by yourself and you're probably tired. It's not likely this situation will ever happen again, it will be something else they'll push you in.

Just think back to tonight and have a plan when you get this frustrated again. Saying shut up isn't nice but when they are contributing to the problem by talking they need to be quiet. Tell her she has to let you be the parent and that you appreciate she's trying to read but getting brother to bed can sometimes be a bit noisy. She needs to learn patience too.

"Work" is a relative term. You got their attention. They did what they were told. But long term, you don't sound like you want that in your parenting toolbox and IMO, that's the way it should be. We all lose our temper here and there. But if it's daily, constant, often, then we aren't fostering respect. We are getting results out of fear.

There are times where I've calmly said, "DD, I have this much patience" and show her just a tiny space between two fingers. "I really need you to do x or y or I will have no patience and it will be a bad night for us all."

What you might also do is take the 3 yr old and put him in time out til he calms down and the 5 yr old finishes her book. If he was disturbing her, then he should be removed from the situation.

"You can stop moving. You either stop moving or you sit in the kitchen til you stop but it is bedtime and you are being rude to both me and your sister."

Or tell her she can read on the couch for x minutes and put him in his room by himself and if he gets up, silently take him back and put him to bed. If he gets no reaction, he'll stop.

Stop beating yourself up. Sometimes the kids get on your last nerve and you lose your temper. Welcome to the human race.
I think yelling works when you don't do it often because it's a shock. The kids realize that for mom to get loud, they must have REALLY messed up, and she must be REALLY mad.

It works because it's loud and has some shock value.

But, like the music, movies, and books put out for shock value, there are aftereffects. The shock wears off after a time (that is, the person is simply desensitized to what was originally shocking). But the feeling of being yelled at stays. And children remember that yelling kept them in line and let Mama get her way. Even if they don't intend to, they may be inclined to make it their default mode when they marry and have families.

We have relatives who are yellers. They still yell to beat down those around them (I put it that way deliberately). Since they're in their 80s you'd think they'd know better, but it's what they learned and it's what they do.

Maybe the "yelling is necessary" is an illusion. Maybe it isn't so necessary. There was a good party at your house, and everybody was a little tired and strung out. Your children were certainly asking for attention, and bad attention is better than none - especially when it's late and there might have been more sugar around than usual....

Have you tried whispering when you would ordinarily be expected to yell? There may be a little *innocuous* shock value in that right now!

But if you want to delete yelling entirely, you will need to drop it entirely (never yelling unless the house in on fire) - and come up with other ways of being listened to. Sometimes you can do it with a look, or a quiet but meaningful tone of voice. Talk to all your non-yelling mama friends; ask them what works for them and why; take lessons from them.

It only seems to work for a short while but if yelling becomes a regular thing it won't work anymore - there will be no more shock value - and then what WILL you do?
I don't know what it is but sometimes the running around at bedtime right when everyone is suppose to be settling down just makes for a chaotic mess every so often - it's an older kid version of the witching hour (when babies cry for no apparent reason for several hours in the evenings).
You won't eliminate it completely till they grow out of it but you can manage it so that bedtime blow ups are less frequent.
First - make sure the kids get some intense running around in the afternoon - they need to burn off that energy - exhaust them.
Next, turn off tv and computer(s) 2 hours before bedtime - it's too stimulating and keeps them awake and wired.
Have a bedtime routine - snack, bath, brush teeth, use bathroom, bedtime story (the goal is to have them have no excuse for getting out of bed during or after the story - staying still and listening helps them to relax and get sleepy), then lights out.

Because yelling gets people's attention, especially if you don't do it very often. I actually told my 8 year old to shut up the other day, too. First time I've ever done that because I do think it's rude. But I was on my last straw with her and blurted it out. Guess what? It worked. Not proud of it, but she shut up finally.

It sounds like you had a trying night, for sure. It also sounds like this isn't normally how you parent (or else you wouldn't feel badly!). I am not a yeller, I am pretty quiet and on an even keel. So on the rare occassion that I do yell, it works because it shocks the hell out of everyone! If I yelled all the time I'm sure it would lose its effectiveness.

You're doing just fine, tomorrow is a new day! Just realizing that you want to eliminate yelling will help reduce it. Good luck!

I tend to agree with the responses below. Yelling should not be the default reaction to excessively provocative behaviour from your children. Soooo much easier said than done right? I have a seriously 'spirited' almost-three year old daughter. When she's good, she is momentously amazing and I can't quite believe my luck. But when she gets in that mood, or literally seems to wake up on the wrong side of the bed, or gets that glint in her eye which says "I'm gonna do absolutely everything you're asking me not to do, and I'm going to stare you down while I do it and I'm gonna run this show..." ...I see red. My partner is working on a style of complete calm resistance. He read a book called The Manipulative Child and he's employing some of the techniques in there. So sometimes I'll hear her hollering at him uncontrollably because she wants to put her ballet shoes on for breakfast while he's also dealing with our 7.5 month old baby (that's another issue) and I hear him calmly address her or he ignores her altogether, and generally she snaps out of it. Me on the other hand. Some days I feel like I excel at this. I can talk calmly and cheerfully and she realises that she can't get a rise out of me and she gives up, wants to be my buddy. And other days I feel my blood boil and before I've had an opportunity to check myself...BANG!...I let rip. I immediately regret it. It is ugly, out of control, intimidating and not how I saw myself parenting. And it really doesn't get results. She just gets super upset. I also realise that threats are pointless too. You need a plan for those situations...like I pop her in a quiet, out of the way place, repeatedly, until she calms down, and then completely divert her and distract her and change the subject entirely. God it is so hard to do. It involves not banging on at her about how badly behaved she has been and making her say sorry etc. You just move on, and then when you're out of the mire, gently raise the issue that she needs to not be rude or do as mummy says or whatever the issue might be. Breathe. It's a tricky one. Very testing at times. All power to you hun. You apologised. I find myself doing that too. Important for kids to see that their parents can humble themselves and admit that their behaviour can improve too.

In the long run....it doesn't.....