I Am a Yeller

Yelling and whispering are two things that you can use to get their attention. You can also pretend that you don't hear them unless they are speaking nicely etc. It works well. Tell them what you expect out of them and if they do xyz then they get ____as a consequence. Lay out the rules and stick with it. GL!

M

I'm a yeller too. I've found, thru counseling and reading that the main reason I yell is what I tell myself. I'm thinking, "they should not be doing this! I'm at the end of my rope! I can't handle this any more!" etc.

I've learned positive affirmations help. I've, for the most part eliminated "should" from my vocabulary. I tell myself, I'm calm as I give myself a time out. I tell myself all day long when I sense the tension building that I can handle this! I give myself permission to take frequent time outs. I go into another room and take deep breaths. I sit the kids down in front of the TV for a movie. I separate them by sending them to their rooms.

There is a form of counseling that helps us change the way we look at everything so that we do not get upset about as much. I think it's called cognitive behavioral therapy. I suggest you look it up on the Internet and get a book from the library and see if that helps.

I have found that the way I think greatly influences my reaction to the kids and life in general. And that in turn does influence the way my grandchildren act to a certain extent.

I find that they act out less when I"m calm and feel that I'm in charge. When I start yelling their behavior gets worse. They know I'm on edge and feel insecure themselves. They also grab onto the power that I"ve let go of by yelling. Kids really do want us to be in charge but they take advantage when we're not.

I also suggest that if you have a system of discipline so that you have a ready consequence when they first start to act out that you'll have more confidence and can stop the escalation of misbehavior.

1) Buy the "Love and Logic" books. Take the course too if you can. Bring hubby along.

2)You are human. So you have lost it a few times. So what? Now try to change tact. When you are really upset talk in a sweet low and quiet voice. Your kids will be so shocked they will probably not know what to do!

First, get sceam-free parenting, it's for parents :) It's good you admit it. With the years of this constant habit of yelling, spankings, etc. they are imitating behavior they see (being loud, fighting, etc). Sounds like maybe you guys need some counseling or anger management. It's not something to be ashamed of or anything, but if it's affecting the family it needs to be done. Spankings are reinforcing their destructive behavior as is the yelling. Parenting the strong willed child is good but seeing as how there are 4 kids you have to work on, I'd try reading about what causes your kids to act like this. First you have to work on you too. I have a bad temper but I have read books and had to make me time (go to the gym, etc) so that I can keep my cool. If you can't keep your cool the whole way through they learn that freaking out is normal. You can't expect them to if you can't. Yelling and spanking works immediately, but worsens behavior in the long run as you are seeing. You can't live by do as I say not as I do.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200109/why-our-ki...

http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/is-your-family-ou...

http://www.livestrong.com/article/94708-stop-yelling-child/

http://www.livestrong.com/article/176329-how-to-disciplin...

Don't beat yourself up. You're human. Take it as a learning opportunity to better yourself :) When I'm really stressed out, I go to the gym or watch a comedy. Do you have a support system that can watch them for a little bit when you are really stressed out? Doing things for you AND being consistent with positive discipline will work wonders :)

Kudos to you for admitting this. Not to trying to be unhelpful at all in being harsh, but here is what I think of this COMMON scenario.

The way you need to not yell is to UNDERSTAND that you are raising the chaos levels by doing that. You think you are yelling because they are making you, but really, your ineffective yelling is just swirling around in the mix with their bad behavior. And you are forcing you kids to build up a tolerance to it. They will grow to shield themselves from your shrill annoyance through many tactics, and they will like you less as a person over time than they would if you respected them and were not a frantic yeller. My brother and I never minded, and connot remember, the rare firm discipline we got as kids, but the few bad memories we have are of the few times my parents yelled at us angrily. I can't imagine living with that daily. To this day I cringe when I see people yelling. My husband and I yell at each other on occasion, and it sucks, and we both hate it, but we're human. We always apologize so the kids see we know it's not nice, and we rarely do it.

You say you've tried all these other discpline techniques, so now you yell because it gets their attention in the moment. However, since you are always doing it, that is PROOF it works no better than any of your other tactics, since ideal discpline teaches correct behavior and stops repeat offenses.

I have a friend with this level of chaos at her house and it sounds EXACTLY like what you are describing. She even has the kids on meds for sleep.

Believe me when I tell you your other tactics have not worked because you have not been CALMLY CONSISTENT with a FIRM ENOUGH one EVERY TIME the behavior STARTS.

If you are yelling, it is because several warnings have not been heeded, things have escalated, the kids are nuts, they're doing all the same old stuff, and you're PO'ed, right? You never just wake up and start yelling the first time someone does one tiny little thing do you? You need to take control of how it reaches that level.

What has worked in our house-where we literally never yell at the kids (they're not teenagers yet :) unless someone is far away and can't hear us, and the ONE time I yelled my kids almost fell over from shock, is centering yourself to be calm and direct at the beginning of a wrong action. Give one clear warning what you expect and what will happen if it is not followed. Enforce immediately if the wrong action is taken. This may take lots of repetition since the kids are used to waiting until you're yelling to "hear you", but it will not take any longer than continuing to yell, which may NEVER work.

Be sure you are zeroing on real behavior issues that need to stop, not just things that are annoying you. For instance, enforce tantrums, talking back, aggression, but don't get mad and scream because someone is being noisy, etc.

Also, if you implemented discipline, but then it only worked for 5 minutes, you don't then graduate to pointless yelling, you repeat. Calmly.

Today my 3 year old son was disciplined. He rarely is. He is an excellent, sweet 3 year old boy. He is happy and affectionate and well behaved and we are VERY close. He has been getting in the habit of making a funny face when his father or I are reprimanding him rather than saying , "yes sir" or acknowledging what we are saying. It's a typical respect glitch most kids go through. It's not a big deal, but we dont' want it to blossom into nightmare disrespect. We have talked it through with him several times when he does it without discipline to be sure he totally understands the correct way to take a direction without doing blinky eyes and shruggy shoulders etc. Today my husband was saying something to him, and he snapped, "I KNOW" in a bratty tone. He knows this is not allowed. His dad then reminded him CALMLY not to talk back, and rather than stopping, or saying "yes sir" he started doing the eye blinking shoulder shrugging thing and said "I KNOW" sarcastically again. So his dad walked over and popped him on the butt. Not very hard, but it was a reminder that he was WAY out of line for an offense he was absolutely clear on, but this was his first enforcement of it. I'll be shocked if he does it again. That is because he is used to absolute consistency and knows he will never get away with it if he does continue to do it. He cried like no tomorrow and then apologized on his own and got a hug from dad, at which time my husband explained in a kind tone of voice AGAIN why he needs to be polite when we are telling him something, same for teachers, etc. All the while, no one yelled, and no one got mad.

You may be thinking, "yeah, but he didn't do anything, it's not like he was hysterical and ripping up the house". But the key is that he would never be allowed to get that far. Calm warnings suffice 99% of the time. Because he has never gotten any further than a calm addressing of the precise issue at hand. Same for our other two as well. It sounds very strict, but it's rarely used, and our kids hear us addressing them respectfully as the norm and praising them all the time. They absolutely trust what we say when it's important, and we give them tons of freedom to be silly and crazy at all other times.

If you teach them a consequence comes after one warning, you will only need the warning. Yelling is NOT a consequence, it's an adult tantrum resulting in not handling the issues at hand and letting them progress.

Most of all, in addition to rare effective discipline, kids need to act well because they come from a happy, loving home with respect for their parents. It's very hard for them to grow into that feeling in a home where people don't follow through on boundaries or expect good behavior and then when everything is way out of control they start screaming and ruling by visible anger.

You should call a house meeting, explain the new policy, let everyone know what your expectations are and that you will follow through right away, not wait until you're mad enough to yell. Offer treat for X amount of time for the right behavior (we never need to do that, but you can)Then follow through until they believe you. Then they can control their own behavior just like you are controlling yours. Either way, you're going to have to discipline. Just act BEFORE you get mad and cut the anger and yelling.

You're an adult. You can yell SOMETIMES, but if you lower the chaos at home, you won't need to, and doing it rarely is a lot more effective than doing it all the time.

I yell, scream and cry! Sometimes all three at the same time.

Love and Logic parenting style/techniques have been my only saving grace. Well that and then almost a year of counseling.

It has taken alot of time and trying on my part. I take myself outta the ''BIG'' picture to see what I am missing from my angle. Which then helps me better control or simmer the situation down.

When I went in guns blazing and yelling, I would end up yelling at a child that was not doing anything at all...Just happened to be in the wrong chair at the wrong time.

I have a kiddo with a Sensory Processing Disorder(SPD). Things and volume could just up at a moments notice, if he started having a system over load. Which makes him go coo coo and bounce off the walls. The the quieter I can keep myself, the better chances I have of him not loosing it and going bonkers.

If you have to(and you dont have something dangerous going on). Walk away from the situation. Or turn around plug your ears...count to 20. And take some deep breaths. Then take on the situation...You wont feel the need to yell...and 20 seconds seems like alot...but it really is nothing...and you will feel so much better.

You have a full load....I could see one becoming very overwhelmed with four so close in age. I had three in four years time. I get overwhelmed to the point I have just cried....Yelling when there is chaos around you is normal. It can become a natural reactions.

Remember to cut your self some slack too....No one would blame you if you let out a yelp once or twice at the kids! Anyone who didnt have sympathy for you in your out number situation...would need to be slapped!

I wanted to add...If you do look into Love and Logic....Take a seminar. They hold them often...in Churches....Or through Community Colleges...Some run for a month once a week...Others are just a one time deal....WELL WORTH IT!!

Sometimes yelling IS the only way to get attention. If they are way out of control or just not hearing you at all its just a means to an end. As long as you arent yelling , cursing and name-calling i think you can give yourself a break.

H.,
I used to be also. I prayed about it, did Bible studies on James to control my tongue and other things.
Here's what cured me: I was on a business call when the boys started acting up and getting loud when they needed to be quiet. I was leaving a message and thought I had hung up. I started angrily yelling for them to be quiet when I heard "beep! I thought my tirade had been recorded. I was so embarrassed, but felt even worse about the yelling. That finally convicted me.

zoloft! seriously...it helps