I have a cousin who has a three year old. She stayed home with her for a year, and in year two went to work and sent her daughter to daycare. Since she was born, practically, she's had this little girl spend weekends away at friend's and family's houses and in the last two years she has her in daycare from the time they open to the time they close and sends her for weekends away (two weekends a month). She even spent 8 weeks out of the country with her grandma.
Now she's expecting #2 any day now and we were having a conversation about her plans. She's not currently working but the 3 year old still goes to daycare. She said she might try to work from home because "this one" (pointing to her belly) will be too expensive to put into daycare as a newborn and as soon as the baby turns 6 months she's going to put the baby in daycare and go back to work but she hasn't decided what she wants to do yet but she knows she doesn't want to stay home because she already tried that and "wanted to shoot (herself) in the face" she was so bored.
The thing is, they (her and her husband) planned these pregnancies and yet neither parent seems to want the child? The dad complains all the time about what a pain in the butt it is to have kids and yet confirmed that they wanted more--she even told us when they started trying (both times) HUH? The really strange thing is that they are both good (good not great) parents, when they are around. They are kind of indifferent but not in a mean or neglectful way, they just let her do her thing and when she whines or asks for help they tell her to figure it out herself. They don't let her eat junk food, she is always clothed appropriately, but these are working class people with not a TON of money often calling different family members to borrow money for this or that (they do not collect welfare). It's just so puzzling to me. I'm wondering...am I missing something??
Thank you all for your answers! Such a wide range of opinions. I do want to clarify that I don't have any opinion about parents who work and have their kids in daycare out of necessity when it comes to work. I even understand a SAHM putting their child in daycare a few days a week to get a break. What I don't understand is having the child go off to daycare before she even wakes up (her husband takes the daughter to daycare in the morning, and brings her home at night 6-6). Dinner, Bath, Bedtime (no stories since she already said she gets read to enough at school).
Yes, it's true the little girl is independent but she's also 3 and still in diapers with no attempt at potty training because her mom doesn't want to go through "that nightmare" yet. I don't know how their friends feel about having the daughter on weekends (and I mean drop off on Friday night pick up on Sunday evening) but my family takes her out of feeling sorry for the little girl not because they are feeling the whole takes-a-village thing.
I really want to understand because I just received a baby shower invite for baby number 2 and I'm kind of irked. All the people who take kid #1 so often (and aren't paid) are invited and obviously obligated to bring a gift if they attend. Nevermind the "shower for baby number 2" issue, setting that aside, these people have already done so much for the family and are now being indirectly asked to buy gifts for a child they will likely end up spending more time with than the parents because if she's working from home my strong instinct is that she will be dropping this child off with family who is retired during the day while she gets stuff done. It just feels to the family that they are being used.
Yet, they want to help with the little girl because she's family but everyone is just scratching their heads about this second child and potentially 3rd (they are already planning). And because they appear to be doing all the right things, they are married (it's not a single mom situation), they planned the kids, they are both working, it's hard to really criticize them for their choices because on the surface it all appears so common but to people who know how often she's gone it's really not normal.
Children are SO MUCH WORK! And expensive! They are strapped for money as it is, why would they want more?? Parenting is really only worth it when you get the payoff of seeing and appreciating your child learning and doing silly things and giving hugs and just general kid stuff...but they don't have much of an opportunity for that kind of stuff, because they don't spend enough time together!
After reading all the responses I think it is likely they are having kids to keep up with their friends who are having kids. They don't want to be left out, they are very social people, and I think the kids are kind of a competition/accessory for this social group. She's honestly a pretty lazy person who doesn't like doing something and flat out won't do anything that she doesn't want to do and as a result she doesn't even have a college degree because she doesn't like the classes she had to take to get one. I think getting pregnant and having kids is something she can do without actually doing anything aside from gestating and then she doesn't have to have an excuse for not doing anything in terms of career or school because she's a mom, except the full picture is that she's a mom who leaves the hard parts to other people.
All this said, I like *her* as a person. She's funny and smart. I enjoy being around her when she's around but in terms of parenting we are on completely different planets.
Maybe she's doing the best that she can?
We can't always understand actions and/or motivations of other parents.
I agree I often wonder the same thing about my step-kids mother. The poor things spend their life at daycare and have been since birth. :( If they weren't at daycare mom was off running around and dad had the kid.
To each their own everyone has a reason (for the most part) of why they want a child.
i guess they're just vastly inferior to you.
it's so easy to judge other parents. especially those awful ones who put their kids in daycare, enjoy their careers, have the gall to focus on their relationship with each other, aren't natural SAHMs, or don't rhapsodize endlessly over each stage of a child's development.
bastards.
khairete
S.
So, here is a different way to interpret their situation.
Their child/ren are being raised in an INCREDIBLE community of family and friends. Their parents have people in their lives who they trust to lead, nurture and care for their children. Their children may grow up being independent and also they will have been supported by their community/family and will know the feeling of being held and loved by more than just their nuclear family. The eldest girl is attached to her Grandparents, and has already had the incredible opportunity to travel the world.
When her parents are around, they are present, dedicated and safely encourage self reliance. She has a mother who knows who she is, what she wants, and how to achieve it. That is her female role model: a strong woman who tends to all of her many facets. The child also has other female role models (like her globe trotting Granny). Her mother knows she is a better mother when she is not staying at home with her kids. Her father and mother have created time that they spend as a family, at work, and as a couple.
They are not rich, but they are not in poverty. They choose to spend their money on things like good food, day care and children's supplies. They understand their financial limitations. They know how to ask for help and do so.
They have a dry and blunt sense of humor. They know and say that childrearing isn't (just) rainbows and butterflies. It's hard work and CAN be a pain in the butt (which doesn't mean it's not totally awesome and worth it).
You don't want to raise your children the way they do. It wouldn't work for YOUR family. What works for one family is not necessarily the right way for another family. Strong, smart, well adjusted kids are the result of many different parenting methods/family structures. That their way isn't what you have chosen, and wouldn't work for YOU/your family, does NOT mean that THEY are not very dedicated to their family, nor that they don't want and love their child/ren. Their way of showing and structuring their family, works for them. Yours works for you. It's good that we can do things differently, and still be okay.
Some say it takes a tribe to raise a child. Some think that raising children in the isolation of nuclear families is not healthy. Other's prefer to keep their bubs at home, with less outside influence and believe that their method is healthier. I think we get to feel it out for ourselves and make a choice that feels right for US.
ETA:
So wait, it's only okay to put our kids in daycare, or leave them overnight with family members IF we feel guilty the whole time?
There is no rule book on being a parent.....It is not an easy job and people do it differently. I'm not saying you are wrong in your thoughts, but to judge them harshly is not a good approach. You state that they care for her and that they are good parents.....not great.....It seems as though they are doing what they can with what they have....They may have come from a similar family environment and are recreating this with their own children because it is what they know and how they know how to parent.
I do not agree with everything they do (from what is listed in your post), but they would probably not agree with everything I do and I'm betting you wouldn't because we are all different and come from different life experiences. We all parent in our own way and as long as our children are loved and provided for to the best of our ability, I see no wrongdoings.
Parents need to support each other instead of tearing each other apart for not conforming to some "rule book" (which doesn't exist) on being a perfect or great parent. It might do your cousin good to have that support and she may just learn some things from those supporting her instead of feeling like an island or instead of being made to feel inadequate because she isn't parenting the way others in the family are.
.
I wouldn't confuse using daycare with not raising your kids.
Also, not every parent is totally in love with every stage of child development. Some find infants are very difficult and non communicative and then they love the preschool age or older stages.
There are so many different ways to raise kids (and often different kids do better with different styles) and not all of them are going to make sense to you.
I see nothing wrong with not responding to whining (because if you do they learn that whining works) and figuring things out for yourself is a great way to learn.
I don't see anywhere in there that says they aren't raising their child.
And it is a pain in the butt to have kids, Just because they actually voiced something that many parents think doesn't mean they aren't raising their kids.
Just because I think it's a pain in the butt to have kids it doesn't mean I don't want them or that I'd get rid of them or whatever. Kids are a lot of work and not all of us enjoy getting up in the middle of the night, changing diapers, breaking up fights, cleaning maker off the walls, having constantly stained carpets, cleaning up throw up, having to plan your day around naps, etc.
yeah, you're probably missing something. i know people who would rather gouge their eye out of the socket than admit that their heart melts every time they look at their kids. it's not "cool" to them. and/or they just don't have the tools to express themselves. by saying she wanted to shoot herself in the face, she probably meant, like a lot of us would feel, that she doesn't feel like she's cut out to do that or does a good job. and if she stayed home the first year then i guarantee there is some kind of bond there. some people just aren't good with the mushy stuff. i do think it's great, like someone said, that they have such a good support system. it might just be that that first year, when she really needed breaks on the weekends, those people were there for her, and now that the girl is in preschool and she is working, it's just something they have kept doing. relatives LOVE spending time with the kids. myself i am a bit selfish and i don't let my son go visiting more than once or twice a month (usually it's just saturday night) but my family would trade him around to each house every weekend if i'd let them. some family dynamics are one way, some are another. you are definitely not seeing the whole picture, i would say. they must not hate their kids too much if they are planning more. right?
*just want to caution - this is not an opportunity to slam "pushing kids off to daycare". i think we need to be careful not to start THAT discussion - as a working mom who has no choice about it (and WOULD have a hard time being a sahm, to be honest), i kind of resent even that phrase. can we get through one post without someone inferring judgment in the whole sahm-vs-working mom debacle? that wasn't her question.
If the child is healthy, happy and behaves in an age appropriate manner I couldn't care less whether the parents spent 100% or 2% of their time with the child. Every parents tries to provide the best possible upbringing for their child. Some parents think they are the best (and sometimes only) ones that can do that and others see that they have resources available to them to help when they can't do it all themselves.
My nephew and niece (now 13 and 8 years old) are absolutely wonderful kids! They have both been in daycare and afterschool care since they were 6 weeks old and have spent some time with relatives and friends away from their parents on many occasions. I have no doubt that my sister and her husband love their kids and they have done a great job raising them even though they are not personally responsible for every minute of their children's day.
I'm a SAHM, by choice because that's what I wanted for me. My husband and I are doing what works for our family and my sister and her husband are doing what works for them. I'm jealous of some of the opportunities my niece and nephew have had by being in these different situations and she is jealous of some of the things that I have been able to do.
Honestly it sounds like they are raising a strong independent young girl.
You are not the only one who has wondered why parents choose this style of parenting. I have an acquaintance who has a 3 year old daughter. She leaves the child for days and weeks with friends and family. Sometimes she doesn't even call the kid. I don't get it. When my kids are small, I feel this strong need to be there to protect them and cherish every milestone. Now, when the child gets to be a teenager, it's a whole different ball game.
I'm interested to see your responses.
M.
The first one they may have planned because they wanted a child. Then, when the child arrived they realized those little suckers are a lot more work than they thought and they're handling it the best way they can. Maybe she thought some magical instincts would kick in and she'd love playing peek-a-boo for two solid hours. Maybe she didn't realized that the poop doesn't always stay IN the diaper...
People change every day. When she dove into this crazy thing called parenthood she probably had a much different idea about how it was going to play out.
As for having another kid. A lot of people have more than one, not for themselves, but so they'd have each other. That's what my parents did. They had me and had no burning desire to have another save for my mother's guilt about leaving me alone in the big bad world. Cue my sister.
Every family is different. Every person is different. She may end up not being a great mother to toddlers but who knows, when her kids are teenagers she may be a natural and instead of ripping her hair out and closing herself away in her room in tears at her uncontrollable teen, she may just have the best relationship with those kids.
Some moms are really great with little kids. Then their mini-me's grow up to have minds of their own and those moms just sort of implode on themselves, unable to figure out how to deal with these autonomous creatures they created.
Some moms have kids because their religion dictates they should, even if they aren't really into the idea of it. They do their due diligence and move on. To reiterate, every family is different and unless you ask her point-blank why she acts like she doesn't want her kids, you'll never really know for sure.
Different strokes for different folks.
LBC
I don't think putting your kids in day care isn't the same as not raising them. My husband and I work opp shifts so I do both, work and stay home and I have to say staying home is WAY harder than working. Maybe she is just being honest and telling you that she doesn't enjoying staying home full time with her kids, that doesn't mean she doesn't love them or isn't doing what she things is best. Being a full time SAHM is really hard for some people, me included, and until you have walked in her shoes you shouldn't judge her.
Because they are selfish. And the world revolves around them. And they put themselves before all things. And kids are just another extension of THEM. Born to revolve around THEIR world. And you know what....the chickens will come home to roost in 20 years when mom and dad wonder where the kids are??? Why won't they come home to visit?? Why are we alone on the holidays?? Why am I all alone in a nursing home with nobody to visit?? Because you reap what you sow.
Wow! You call that having kids they don't want to raise? I wonder what you would call my situation.
My husband's ex-wife gave birth to a child many years ago. She gave her up for adoption. Then she married my husband, gave birth to two kids, and left him and the kids. She then had a fourth child that she gave to her sister who raises her. This woman has had four kids and she doesn't talk to or see any of them, let alone pay child support for the ones that she still has parental rights for. (Don't get me wrong, I love my kids dearly, but that child support would help sometimes!)
I'm sorry if you think that is her not wanting to raise her children. Perhaps she is teaching her daughter independence when she tells her to figure it out. I'm sorry that not every mother wants to stay home and coo over their child 24/7. I learned the hard way that sometimes you have to do for yourself before you can do for your kids. I'm glad she learned that early!
It's baffling-and their indifference is a form of neglect.
I think many people on here are getting defensive about the whole daycare versus stay at home argument. Many moms AND dads have to work to survive and their children must attend daycare. Some people just love their job and send their children to day care. These moms and dads love their kids, too. Some parents want their children around other children for a while each day and have the money to send them even though one parent is home-completly understandable. This post is about parents who send their child to day care from the time it opens until it closes and one parent is home. It says these parents constantly complain about their child and send her away every other weekend. To me, that is puzzling. I'll bet most of the moms and dads out their whose kids attend day care can't wait to spend weekends having fun with their children and taking them places. Just my 2 cents!
Maybe they arent thrilled with the early childhood years but look forward to 25 years from now when they all come home with spouses and grand kids for holidays. They may have that Hallmark card in their mind of the perfect family. They may want to ensure there are enough of them to help take care of them in their old age. I have freinds like this. Never enjoyed a moment of the babies and toddlers but now that they are all grown, they bask in the glory of having raised 3 kids and brag on them all the time. Strangly enough, they are all very close to their parents dispite how the parents pushed them off to daycares and ignored them. I, myself, would rather have small kids around than the big ones.
I guess we are all different. My friend recently told me "we kinda raised ourselves. Our mom worked ALL the time" As adults they all have a great relationship with their Mom.
Wow, your post really brought a tear to my eye. My husband and I only have one child, but we treasure her more than anything in this world. I had to go from part-time to full-time work last October due to finances and it almost tore me apart that I would have less time to spend w/ her. I don't have any answers for you, but I guess we're all different. And I guess they are just indifferent. How incredibly sad for their child and children to come.
It is not Ok to judge, however I feel the same when I read your post and I have thought the same when I see these things so often. I don't understand why some people, some women have children if they don't want them, just...why?
Kids are a treasure a blessing...the best has happened to me ever....I am with you, unfortunately I don't understand either...To me, one thing is raising an "independent child" and another totally different thing is "just having kids" and let others raise them and nurture them.
I have a brother-in-law, him and his wife adopted and they do the same thing.
They have had these two kids for nearly 3 years now and have taken so many vacations alone without them. They drop them off in another state for their parents to care for them every other weekend. Or they have their parents meet them half way to hand off the kids.
They do this in the name of ...family is SO important. It is important for them to know there cousins and grandparents.
Both of them work and all I hear is how hard it is to raise them. They say thinks like I have no idea what it is like. It happened over night! Hello, you spent two years trying to get a child !
for some...The idea of kids is GREAT! They imagine only the best case situations. They are stunned when things are not so ideal and can't handle it.
I was finally able to put the guilt of leaving my kids behind and getting family to come and babysit for my husband and I so we could get away for 3 days. (Our oldest is 7 years old.) The brother-in-law wanted to know why we didn't stay gone for a week.
We know parents like this. They seem to pawn off their kids on ANYONE willing to take them so they don't have to deal with them.
The one M. doesn't work and sits around all day doing nothing and they are in school 40 hours per week.
I wonder if it is depression or something. My M. told me she HATED us until we were out of diapers, able to talk, and able to be human.
I totally agree with the constantly bugging anyone who will take them on the weekends. My step daughter did this all the time and it was because she felt she needed to "have her life too" and be able to go out partying every weekend. I get once a month maybe, but EVERY weekend??
As for daycare that is a necessary for most of us, I had to work when my kids were too little to be alone too. However, I think I see you are actually trying to say. I think some other posters missed that you want to know why the kids are in daycare for 12 hours when there is no need for it except that she seemingly does not want to be bothered with them. That is actually taking care of them what maybe 3 hours of the day not counting sleeping?? I honestly don't get it either.
