Why Did He Leave Me as Soon as I Got Pregnant?

I'm sorry for your unhappy situation. The advice below about finding a counselor or therapist is good. I just want to add one more thing -- a lawyer. He may not be interested in being a father, but legally, he is still on the hook for child support.

I guess it's better to find out now what kind of a person he is. Some men are just like that. Stay strong, you and your child will be just fine.

Having found myself in a similar situation a few years ago, I can certainly understand what you're going through. First thing I think you should do is find someone who you can talk to...therapist, counselor, clergy....someone. When I think about how much time I spent SAD during my pregnancy it fills me with regret...it should be a joyful time.

Second, he may change his mind, but you need to make him prove that he is serious. Your first instinct will be to take him back if he shows any interest. I am not saying you should play games, but you should take things slow. No sex, no sleepovers, start dating again. Share the pregnancy together, but keep a little distance. My ex- would show up full of regret, begging me to take him back....and I would time and time again. UNTIL I was about 5 months along. I put my foot down. I still included him in everything that was going on, but kept a little more distance. Once I decided to do that everything got better.

Find yourself a mother's group, La Leche League, etc and start attending meetings now. You will find the most surprising women there. I found one of my very closest friends in a mother's group that my midwife hosts.

Good luck.

well, it turns out he's an a-hole. Good for you for sticking to your guns and not giving in about the abortion! Unfortunately, this is a common tactic jerks take with pregnant girlfriends.

You might want to look for a Crisis Pregnancy Center in your area, they usually have resources if you need any help, and if you can afford it, maybe some counseling will help you.

I'm so sorry for you having to be in this situation, but congratulations on your baby.

In 3 and a half years of living together, had you two never had a "what if?" discussion regarding pregnancy? No contraceptives are 100% effective and I'm certain you've both been aware of this the whole time. The difference is, he probably felt (as many people do) that failed birth control is a perfectly acceptable reason to head straight to the abortion clinic. If you never felt that way, a discussion much earlier in the relationship would have been a good idea. Now you are pregnant by a man who had/has no intention of being a father. Many women feel that a man will be overcome by paternal instincts and eventually "come around." I wouldn't bank on it. He's being honest. This is not something he wants. I hope you're ready to go it alone without his emotional support. (You may get child support, but he may never wear the mantle of "father.") Sorry for your circumstances.

Best wishes.

I am sorry this has tuned out this way for you. Men get frighten and run. No turning back now, your going to be a mom. Its natural for you to be depressed because he left you at a time when you need him to be by your side. You need a little time to adjust. I think your going to be just fine. Your smart and have the whole world in front of you. You can do it. Think positive thoughts every day. You should write something positive down on a sticky note and put it on the mirror everyday before you leave the house. I wish you tons of luck and support!

B.,
I'm going to have to really tone down my response b/c I can't post on here what I really think of a "man" who would give you an ultimatum like that.
Best advice--immediately after the baby is born, file for child support and move on with your life--but make damn sure he financially supports this baby.
Forget him. What a HUGE display of lack of character he has shown you. Better now than 10 more years down the road.
Find a decent man. O. who will love you and cherish you and put a ring on it before he lives with you as pseudo "man and wife" then cuts and leaves like a 3 year old taking his ball from the playground and going home.
You'll be fine. Hang tough.

B.,
I know it hurts, and I know how it does, however, in order for you to start healing, you need to look at it in another perspective, and stop asking why, the why is really simple, he is not ready (and by the looks of it, he'll never be) Probably you weren't ready either, and deciding to keep your baby is very high and brave of you!! Of course you are going to be ok? Not only that you are going to be way better because now you don't have someone that selfish holding you back and near your baby!!! Thank God (or whoever you believe in) for that.
Having a baby is about being selfless for him and for you, it makes you grow so much as a person and the best thing is, you'll never feel alone or unloved again, because even though a baby cant have an adult conversation you will be surprised and how much they feel your feelings, and how much they love you, they will show it to you everytime in a more amazing way than the one before!!!
Focus on good things instead of bad things, ok? like your carreer, your baby, family and friends, things like that, it will keep you busy enough you wont feel sad most of the day, and as you start living day by day you will notice that one day you've stopped thinking about this and about him, and how better off you are. It takes time ok? but you know you'll be ok, and that's the best way to start. Your in our prayers Good Luck =)

If he really doesn't want to be a father, he should get himself a vasectomy. Best you can do is move forward, get him for child support (don't be surprised if he insists on a paternity test), and give your baby the best family life you can with just you and him/her. There are lot's of single parent families out there. You will be fine.

If this is how this man behaves, then you really know his true colours and need to ask yourself why you would want that in your life and that of your child's. I will not say the road ahead won't be full of challenges, but you will be ok. Hang in there. Get through as much school as you can before the baby comes...it is a lot harder when they are on the outside ;)

Counseling is a good reccomendation. Peer groups is good too be they on the web like this, or in person.

It is natural to feel sad in this situation. Do not deny yourself your grief. However, allow yourself to enjoy your pregnancy too. The genetic donor of your babe has made his choice and it is his loss. He is not ready, may never be ready, and do not expect him to be unless you really want to live in chaos and resentment. As other have said, do make sure he is accountable for his financial responsibility; or if you do not want any part of it, make sure you both legally sign the papers for him to wave all rights to the baby in the future.

Focus on the positives in your life. It will be ok.

My son was a suprise oops too; during a time when I just broke things off with his father and was taking my next step in school. It isn't always easy, but I wouldn't change it.

Just realize that if he was so cowardly, callous and immature - it's a good thing you found that out now and he left... rather than find out after you started depending on him being a Father to your child.

Don't take it personally, some men just don't know how to be men and take responsibility for their actions - which is a more and more common occurrence in America. I've been a single Mother since I was 4 months pregnant... financially it is hard, but the love and amazement your child will show you makes romantic love (and even sex) so much less a need or priority.

My daughter will be 5 years old in 3 weeks and I couldn't imagine ANY MAN or partner ever being even a quarter of importance to me as my child is. My child changed my life - - partners will come and go.

I'm going to take a slightly different tack than all those who seem to be angry that he even suggested abortion.

I'm going to ask why you and he, after 3 1/2 years of living together as partners, did not already know that one would want an abortion in the case of an unplanned pregnancy and one would want to carry a pregnancy to term, even if it got past hormonal birth control?

Ladies, whether you agree or not, abortion is a valid and equally possible choice, made hundreds of times, for a pregnancy that gets past birth control in a relationship where obviously, if the woman is using Nuva Ring, neither is trying for a baby. He is certainly within his rights to suggest it, or even to expect that this is what his partner of 3 1/2 years, on hormonal birth control to prevent pregnancy, might also want. And, it is presumptious to expect that he would feel differently and suddenly want to raise a baby.

BUT B., where I can completely empathize with you is that he seems to be abandoning you completely, and no matter what your first discussions might have been on the subject, people can change their minds once the pregnancy begins, even if they had previously thought they would terminate the pregnancy. I'm so sorry he won't even talk things over with you. I can understand how depressing and frightening that can be.

Please consider seeing a counselor who specializes in family therapy, and who is NOT religious--you need someone who can help you look at all sides impartially, and that way, if you go forward and have your baby, whether it is with or without him in the end, you will know you made the right decision and will have the confidence that ALL new mamas need. A good therapist can not only help you figure out your own feelings, possibly give you a way to talk with the man you've been with all these years about it, and give you the tools to move forward, but can also put you in touch with support of other women who may be experiencing similar things.

You are the one who is pregnant and you are the one who makes a choice with what you do from here.
I personally would not have an abortion in order to stay with a man. In fact, I didn't.
I was told I could never have children. I was in and out of the hospital all the time. The man I'd been with for 6 years went through all of that with me, not to mention the emotional mess I was because I wanted a child so badly.
We were young, successful, owned a home together, and when I got pregnant, the only thing he had to say was, "Get rid of it."
He told me he wouldn't stay with me if I didn't have an abortion.
I didn't have an abortion. I didn't get rid of "it", but he got rid of me for another woman when our daughter was 2. She is 23 and he's never been a father to her.
Looking back, he may have had a "right" to leave me because he made it clear he didn't want the baby, but he also might have left me for a hoochie two years later anyway.
I do not regret having my child. I do not regret raising her by myself. It wasn't easy, that's for sure. But I wouldn't change my decision even if I had the chance.
Women have abortions, they give their children up for adoption, there are choices. But after being with someone for 3 and a half years, or 6 years in my case, and a man telling you to "get rid of it" or he's gone just tells me that you will likely be on your own no matter what you do.
If I chose to have an abortion, I would not have stayed with the man who basically ordered me to do it.
Sex equals babies. Even on birth control. Even when they tell you you can't have a child. It takes two people to create a pregnancy and for one to duck out is pretty telling of what they're likely committed to as far as for better or worse or "we can get through things together".
Whatever you decide, you are probably better off without this guy, sorry to say it. You didn't get sick and he can't emotionally deal, he created a pregnancy with you, had a part in it, and bailed.
You have to make choices that are right for you.
If you have a beautiful healthy baby, he may change his mind and want to be part of it. That's one thing.
Giving you an ultimatum because he doesn't want part in the responsibility is another.

That's just my opinion.
My opinion only.

I wish you the best.

Make sure he pays child support even if he will not man up and be a real dad. Get a lawyer involved.

Hi Dear: You have a full plate to deal with...Time to separate from the baby's father and keep focussed on your career goals. A man who does not want his baby has deep-rooted emotional issues, that you cannot fix. I'm sure you are in love, and full of angst. This is not the time to abandon a friend. And he must not be a very good friend. Do you have family and friends to support you (emotionally and physically, esp after the baby arrives...) Please ask them for support.
I support you in your efforts to get that degree. It will be such an accomplishment for you and your child.
God Bless you and may the Angels be with you.
S.

I am so sorry this happened to you . . . stay strong . . . God will make a way!

wow, people actually corrected your english...shame on them. who cares how you type this is not an educational site but a site to help! Oh well. I am so sorry this has happened to you, I of course cant fix the problem nor do I know either of you so this is just some ideas.
I dont know if you had a great realtionship before but if you did and this is all out of the blue, maybe he just got really scarred, as being a dad when you did not exactly want to be is a big responsiblity. maybe he needs time to cool off and get used to the idea.
W/ that being said honestly if it were me I would of course be upset but at the same time be very angry w/ him and if he did decide to come back I woudl not let him off the hook so easily. I would feel that he is not trustworthy and I would worry about him coming in and out of my childs life as that is unacceptable. right now, and pretty much forever now, your child is your number one concern! number one, no one else matters. you should try to relax as best as you can and worry about that little baby growing inside of you. go to the dr. and see you baby, get connected, let your love grow for that baby and that will help you feel better. If he does not come back he will miss out on SO much as every SECOND w/ my DD is an absolute joy. I would never want to miss a moment and feel bad for those that do. hope this helped....a little at least.

As hard as it is I don't think asking why he left can help or be answered. There are probably a million reasons why and in his mind they are good but to you and most others none of them are valid. You can do it! I know exactly how you feel as I was once in your place. I was married and he decided that it was not convenient and that was that…you don’t want the boring details  My amazing son is now 6 and although the first few years after he was born were not easy and I was hurting and confused and angry I am so thankful that I did not get an abortion and that I chose to work through those feelings. Unfortunately there really is not an easy answer it is a day to day process and you are more than able. Surround yourself with your friends and family. This is something that may not be the easiest but don’t continually bad mouth the father. It just hurts you more and will hurt your child too. I don’t know if you believe in God but He really helped me (I needed a lot of it.) You don’t have to take any of my advise but I am telling you what truly has worked for me and I can honestly say that you can overcome the depression and hurt and loneliness. I am sorry that you are in a place where you have to though. I wish you the best.

hello, I am a mother of 3 and he left after 25 years when my youngest was 7 and the one thing I can say is he is tring to control you by leaving and forcing the decision. You need to understand he is going to leave because he can not accept responiblity better for it to happen now before you get secure in having him arround! I have been standing tall now for 2 years and I promise it will be hard but worth every minute with your child!
Good luck M.

Go to therapy to help you "get over" him and help you to best support your unborn child. Do not go back to him if he asks. HE is not a quality man. It's best you find out now than later when the child already knows him.
You can do this without him and maybe one day you will find a REAL man who will love the child like his own.
Be strong.
Good luck.

B.,
First I want to tell you that you made the right decision! Having your baby will be the best decision you have ever made! You are obviously smart and will be successful in whatever you do (congratulations on your master's degree) and you don't need someone who won't stand by you in your life. I am a firm believer that no father is better than a bad father.

My mom left my abusive father when I was 1 year old, he wanted nothing to do with me and she had no education, but she loved me and that was all that mattered. She met a wonderful man when I was 2 and he married her and adopted me and my mom and I have always been closer than words coulds could say; God has a great way of taking care of His children.

Know that your baby is a gift from the Lord and He will be there for you; the Bible says that He is our comforter, our provider, and refuge. If you're not already, you should get involved in a local church- they will give you support and encouragement. Also, you can contact Hope Women's Center which gives free sonograms, counseling, and baby supplies.

God bless you!

Please seek out professional help if you can. ALso try to take a prenatal yoga class to combat the stress and depression. These feelings always have a negative effect on a developing baby and sets up the wrong kind of hormones so the baby is stressed all the time when born and leads to sensory integration problems and allergies. Please try to breathe deeply and clear your mind and meditate. Look on youtube if you have to but please get into the right frame of mind so your baby has the chance to have a healthy brain. This too shall pass and life goes on...positively!

Congratulations on your little blessing!

As for this guy some men can become a father but it takes a wonderful man to be a Daddy! As soon as the baby is born go after child support and this has nothing to do with visitation. If you can't afford a lawyer you can get state help. He knew how making a baby happens and the only 100% is no sex...JERK

Ask and talk to your Dr about your depression. Join pregnancy groups. Also join moms groups. Not every woman who is pregnant has a man at their side so you know your not alone. Be proud of your accomplishments!

Keep your head up high. I wish the best for you

He may be going through some hard thinking, it's as difficult for him to suddenly be a father as much as it is for you. Also, to be frank, this is why it is really better to be married - then, you know that he is there for you and thinking about having children with you. When married, the pressure is more on him if he acts like this. Not being married, all the pressure is on you. Sometimes people learn the hard way why some traditions are in place.
Just remember that the depression is the correct reaction - you DO have a lot to feel sad about, it's normal. Gather a support group of friends and family around you, withdraw if your grades start slipping. Join a church if you believe and don't have support around you, join a mother's group. Sometimes just a place to share anxieties and vent helps a lot. Don't be hard on yourself. This is a large undertaking, sometimes you really can't do it all, you might need to slow down. And that's okay.
Definitely apply for child support as soon as the child is born. Even if the father isn't in the child's life, the child deserves the extra monetary support he provides. Perhaps after the father is a little older he may want to be involved in the child's life, and often when the child has grown up the father and child become closer.

Please comment this to your OB Gyn. Your doctor needs to know how you are feeling and perhaps find someone to talk to and receive professional therapy. It is not only your health we need to be concerned about but also your baby's. The way you feel and how you act can affect your child's development and personality even from the womb. Clearly you made the right choice by deciding to have the child and are committed to the baby. Take care of yourself and your baby really well. As hard and sad as your situation may be, remember that a woman can be so strong and powerful anything can be accomplished. Out your faith in God and trust your instincts. It is horrible to go through this without your partner, however, it may be better for him to leave now rather than later when things might get worse. Take care.

So, so, sad, B.. Your guy sounds like he just isn't mature enough to face fatherhood yet. It's amazingly common. Some guys come around over time, and some don't.

Please don't hold your breath waiting for him to change. Assess your life, and what you want and need to make the most of it and be the best mom ever, and move forward.

Blessings.

B.,

Sorry that you are in this situation. Some guys just aren't ready for the responsibilty that goes along with a baby. He probably assumed that because you were on BC that you couldn't get pregnant. Instead of getting educated to the fact that BC is not 100% effective he paniced. At this moment in time you are hurt and angry that this has happened, and believe me you have every right to be. However, all the stress that those emotions cause will effect you and that unborn baby and you don't want that to happen. I would suggest that you seek counciling and continue in your schooling and concentrate completely on yourself and that precious life that you are carrying. If he truly loves you, he himself will get counciling and come to terms with the fact that what he has said and done is wrong. If not then he was never the man for you.

Good luck and congrats on the little one.

S.

Bottom line is that he was never a "keeper" to begin with. He would've left eventually for one reason or another. Although (like Amy D.) I am a little skeptical about some of the details of the story ("evryone," "eventhought," "curretly," "depresion"), that doesn't mean your feelings of abandonment are invalid. Get some real therapy, and take as many classes on labor & delivery, parenting, baby & child development, etc. as you can. Many hospitals offer them for free & they are awesome in terms of preparing you for what lies ahead. Remember, too, that adoption is always a loving, viable option.

Best Wishes!

I often WISH my husband had left when I was pregnant... because it became very obvious (looking back) that he did NOT want to be a father. He'd get up at 5am, leave (school, work, socializing), come home at 10pm and go to sleep for YEARS. NEVER helped at night, wouldn't even skip class or call in sick if I had the stomach flu (there were days my infant was strapped in his carseat all day in the bathroom while I threw up for hours on end). From day 3 onward I was *essentially* a single mom. ((I blew it off as merely independent, young couple still in school, busy, hard now but it's hard for everyone, blah blah blah)).

Why I wish (looking back on it) that he had left, is that all of my single mom friends have their SH*T together. They didn't have any illusion of help/partnership/etc., so they got their support system up and running and SOLID from the get go. No games. No pussyfooting around. No broken promises. And they've either stayed that way OR found a killer partnership to actually be a part of. And since they already had a child, anyone they dated was *prescreened* as it were, for actually wanting to belong to a family.

((BTW... being in school with an infant is *different*, but IMHO it's the BEST of both worlds. All the advantages of being a SAHP AND a WP rolled into one, with none of the disadvantages.))

What Theresa S had to say is very valid. Everyone knows that BC is not 100% effective and when people are in a committed relationship and decide to use BC the converstaion should have been had, the "what if?" conversation. I gather you two didn't have that conversation and you only know now that he didn't want kids. The vile thing I read was he would get back with you if you aborted. Abortion if you chose it would be for your needs not to get back with him, but men panic and he thinks your love for him would out weigh your love for your unborn child. And you already made that clear, that you don't love him as much. You've decided to keep your baby and continue to complete your Master's. That is something to focus on and forget the BF. Now is the time to reach out to family and friends for support as well as a counselor to help you deal with your feelings. The decision you have made may not be the easiest one and your BF has added more stress to it, but you have chosen a path and you need to make the best of it for you and your baby and don't wonder why he left you, just move on. Best of luck to you.

Something doesn't ring true in this post. You are in your third semester of a master's degree and yet you and he were "leaving together?" Also, the father "don't want to see you?" The standard of English and the misspellings make me a little skeptical about the details in this story.

The guy apparently isn't comfortable being a father and isn't committed enough to you as a partner to accept your decision about having the baby. So the situation has shown you his level of devotion to you and the reality that birth control methods aren't 100% effective. Take this knowledge and carry it with you so that you can address these issues proactively in any future relationships - couples need a certain amount of shared values, and if you value being a parent while your partner doesn't then that can really create a chasm in the relationship. You have to make choices of what's important to you and then be at peace with yourself and where your choices lead you. With that comes forgiveness toward anyone who you believe hurt you, in this case your boyfriend who merely reacted according to what he felt important to him. Best to not take it personally - let it go and move forward to be a mom, finish your degree, and be ready for new opportunities in your life.

O.k. well don't pay attention to others who worry about english....that's not what this was to be about, sorry you had to experience negative folks. I wanted to say to you a few things:

When I was pregnant I always had to remind me that when situations would come up I was already having hormones so becoming blue/depressed could come on fast and easy. You poor dear you have every right to feel what you are feeling. However, try to surround yourself with some friends or family that will rejoice about your little life that's growing.

This should be a happy time for you regardless of him leaving. As far as him leaving well it sounds like you have been together a while. Not sure if he's just not ready or if he'd ever be ready. I'm sorry he's not feeling any happiness. I hope that he is just getting himself together with his thoughts and has a change of mind about everything. I am also sorry he at the present time feels he'd only want to come back if you abort the baby.

Listen, things will either change for him, his feelings and if not keep in mind you and the baby are first. After your little dear is born in the future you can maybe meet someone that will love you both and want to be with both of you. There are men that have not problem with someone already having a child. I know that's the future.

You seem like a very strong women and it's normal to feel depressed when something like this happens. Just remember to have someone to have a shoulder to cry on about this, experience the process of your feelings. Keep a support network around you and above all do nice things for you during this pregnancy and while going through him leaving.

Congrats on the baby! and on your up coming masters degree

B.,

There are a lot of a-holes disguised as good guys, I know because I just left my husband of five years. I feel for you, it is very hard to be going to school and raise a child or children (I'm hopefully in my last semester in my undergrad (after 10 years lol) ... you need to talk to your doctor about the way you're feeling, or confide in a close family member or friend. If he doesn't want to be a part of your life or your baby's life, then you're both better off without him. There are some great programs for mothers going to college. I wish you and your baby the best of luck. It will work out, just believe in yourself, you can do it.

Do you speak spanish and write spanish better? Good, some people make mistakes writing so dont even bother getting mad, i can truly say even an english proffessor can sometimes misspelled!!!, as for your ex, el es un cobarde, no necesitas de el tu misma saldras adelante con tu precioso bebe!!! Being or becoming a mother will and will always make you stronger!!!!!!!!!!
You will get through this and god will never put you in a hard path without knowing that you cant make it!!! He will make it easier!!!

Btw: some men are stupid!!!!!!!!!

Felicidadez en tu embarazo!!!

I wrote to one person privately as I don't know why several people didn't look at where you live and consider that you could very well have English as your second language. That being said, just because you don't spell every word correctly doesn't mean that you are not intelligent nor does it mean you're not capable of suffering!
(That's why there is so much animal cruelty people think animals are dumb and can't suffer but that's another story)
Legally, I strongly suggest that you do NOT put the father's name on the birth certificate. If you do, legally he can come after you any time in the next 18 years and try to take the baby away from you. He left you in a vulnerable state and with a lot to deal with, don't think he's not capable of other mean and vindictive things. Protect yourself and your baby!
If you can, finish school before the baby is born and then celebrate life!
Don't forget eat well and drink lots of water and try to remain stress free. This is the best thing for nurturing your child!
Peace!

Why can't men realise that if they do the deed, they have to deal with the sacrifices. Everytime you have sex, you have a possiblity of conceiving. NOTHING but abstinence is 100%. I am sorry that he's a jerk. My husband was mad at first when I got pregnant with our son...but around 14 weeks into it, he got extremely excited and now he's a great father.