Why Am I Always Hosting Play Dates for Everyones Kids and They Host Playdates?

The short answer is that you're doing it because you are willing to put the effort into an activity that you see as beneficial to your daughters. Congrats, A. – you are setting a fine example for your children of how to take the initiative to accomplish something worthwhile, and not sitting on your hands waiting for someone else to do it. The world needs lots of people like you!

If this were my problem, I would simply do as much as I am able to do graciously and without resentment. If that doesn't provide the degree of community you think would be optimal for your kids, check out sites like Gather.com to organize dates with nearby families who are willing to take turns. You could meet interesting and exciting new friends for yourself and your girls.

Expecting more from others than they are willing, or perhaps even able, to give is NOT setting a healthy example for your daughters. Everybody has their own needs and limitations, and I'll bet if you went looking, you'd notice ways in which you don't live up to other people's expectations, either. It will be a kindness to your mental health and general happiness to let go of those resentments and accept that everybody's got their strengths and weaknesses. If you don't want to be taken advantage of, do only what is advantageous to you.

Sounds like you are a good mom. Keep it up!

I am surprised at the "justifications" given here by the people who don't reciprocate on playdates. For those who say that they work all week, and they want a break: come on, get real. When your children ask you during your "time off" to play with them or read them a story or help them with their homework, do you tell them no, that you're done working for the day? I hope not. Parenting is a 24/7 job; you might as well have some other children over for a change of pace. Maybe they will keep your child/children entertained so you get your break. If not, it's not much extra work to have an additional child for a few hours. Your child probably wants to have friends come to their house for a change. And for those who think their homes don't measure up; aren't we talking about preschoolers and early elementary children here? They really don't pay much attention to status symbols. A new place to play and new toys to play with are usually enough. A variety of experiences helps children develop. Do you really want your children to be ashamed of their home?

For you, Alison, I don't have much help to offer. I can tell you that as your children get older, if your house is the place they congregate with their friends, it takes away some of the worry of parenting teens. You will know where they are, who they're with, and what they're doing. I hope this helps a little.

M.

Have you directly asked any of the other parents when your daughter could come for a playdate? When my granddaughter, age 8, says she wants to play with a friend, either her mother or I call the parent and say, Monet would like to come over and play. Is that OK? Then we arrange a day and time if it's not convenient the day we call.

Other people cannot read our minds. If you haven't asked they may think that you're not wanting your daughter to come over; perhaps that you feel most comfortable with the kids being at your house. etc.

If you don't know the parents or home very well, be sure to talk with the parent ahead of time so that you will know that your child will be safe. Discuss boundaries, rules, expectations. You'll want to discuss what you expect and what they will be doing for every playdate.

A. - I have 2 boys ages 3 1/2 and 6 1/2. We are just starting to do playdates with my oldest son and kids from school. I don't want to sound "oh woah is me", but here are some of the reason's I have yet to set a playdate.
- I work full time (which I see that you work as well). I spend 40 hours a week with children that are mine and are not mine. While I love being a nanny, I feel pretty worn out by children at about 5pm (when I am off work).
- Even though I do work as does my husband, we are NOT well to do (we are not dirt poor either). Some of the kids that are in my son's school come from HUGE houses with quite a bit of money. It's intimidating to me to think to have these kids to my house. We do not have a Wii, we do not have a big house (1,000 sq ft), we do not have all the new and improved games. I will not be paying to take anyone's child to the bouncy houses, museum's, or any kind of event.
Those are my two big one's. And the money one for me is pretty big. Maybe your friend has some very cvaid reason's for not hosting. You might even be able to say, "Sarah" has been looking forward to seeing "Jane's" house since they have started playing together....and see if that little push would help.
It's a tough one, good luck, L.

You have gotten good advice from a variety of different Mamas. My advice is offer to drop off the friends of your girls, meet the parents, check out their environment, see if the mom could watch your girls for you for a few hours if you feel comfortable about.
I agree with the Mama who couldn't give your children a fancy play date at a bouncy house or such. I felt if we have children over for a play date then they could just play around the house. The point was social and not for me to entertain them. I never felt I could reciprocate play dates that expected too much of things beyond going to a local park or school playground.

As one of those parents that don't reciprocate as often I can explain my feelings. Honestly it really causes me a lot of anxiety to have other people's kid come over. We live in a small home and having extra children just creates too much chaos, noise and extra messes for me. It is easier with my older kids get because they require less attention or intervention from me. In the summer it is a little easier because they can play in the backyard or we can plan to meet at a park. Hope this helps you understand.

ISN'T it frustrating??? --- Been there, did that --. There may be several things going on- and the solution lies in figuring out what the issue is - and than make a decision( as a couple) as to how generous you are willing to be.
Are some of the families so strapped for moneey that they
feel they can't keep up and so they ''hide'' and do
nothing?

Are some of the families so stressed out that you really
don't want your kids with them for hours at a time?
It happens--- trust Old Mom on this one.

Are some of the families simply being selfish and
taking all the ''rest'' for themselves but not wanting
to reciprocate??

Once you've decided what the 'deal' is - you and your dh need to decide if you are willing to be the ''neighborhood good guys'' ---there are some tremendous advantages to doing that--- but it's your call --

Good luck-
J.
aka- old mom

If they are anything like me, their houses are always trashed! And that's embarrassing. It's not an excuse really, but it may be a factor. For people I don't know as well, I try to clean the house so it looks passable and for neighbors that I know really well, I just ask them to excuse the state of my house and invite them in anyway. Try to be understanding. There is one mom on my street who hosted several playdates before anyone else did--they have the biggest, nicest house on the block. Hosting is just as hard, but the space was more conducive to having so many kids and moms together in one place.

Start a playdate group. Pick maybe 4 families to begin with. Once a month (for starters) the playgroup is at a different home. Set it up for the same day and time each month (1st Saturday of the month 11-2 pm) so that each month a parent is in charge of activities, or play time. Then once a month maybe you go on a field trip, all kids and ALL parents maybe the 3rd Sat. of the month. The perks are that once a month you have free time to shop, etc. while your child is at the playgroup. Once every 4 mo. it's your turn. It can be really fun, you just have to be the one to approach the subject of "hey, I'm thinking of starting a playdate group, would you be interested in being a part of it?" then when they ask questions, set down the criteria and rules of the group and go from there.

Call them and ask them if your daughters can come over to play. It's pretty easy to go there.
N. B

Well I know when I was a kid my friend's and I always schemed up ways to go to each other's houses - maybe it's an older kid thing to do? Do you talk to these parents when the drop off their kiddos? How well do you know them? You could just mention that your daughter wants to come over sometime and is that possible? It might not have even occurred to them. With my kiddos I arrange playdates with other mom's - but we talk about were it will happen and when. Sometimes we all participate and take the kids somewhere together. Waiting for an invite might just result in more irritation. Best of luck!

Well A. rather than be aggravated because others don't offer up invitations perhaps it's time to be a bit assertive and figure out a polite assertive way to get invitations from the other moms. We all say we will do things 'sometime' and then they never happen because we forget about it in our busy daily lives but if we are reminded or asked specifically we are often grateful for the reminder.

Nail a date down with one of those moms next time they say 'sometime'. It's not pushy and isn't impolite to ask 'when?' it is simply being assertive in helping the other person to change that sometime into a specific date. You can always ask when and then add that you'd like to consult your calendar to make sure your girls can make it that day. If asked politely no one is going to mind that you ask when and they will most likely then make the date.

If we go through life expecting others to meet our standards we will be sorely disappointed because we are all different (not better or worse just different). Most folks just need a bit of gentle reminding to do something and that's perfectly okay in a busy world like we live in today. Also if we go through life always expecting something in return for what we do not only will we be disappointed in others a great majority of the time we will end up being very lonely because most people do not like being around others who think they should be obligated to reciprocate in all situations.

My advice is to give the other moms a break and be assertive enough to ask them to make a specific date when they say 'someday'. You'll save yourself a lot of frustration if you can do that.

Regards,
C.

P.S. Plus however you handle the situation is teaching your girls how to interact with others. They learn by listening to you and watching you... Just think of it this way...they'll learn to always expect something in return and one day they may always expect you to do something in return for everything that they do. In this life I've found that sometimes, no MOST times, doing things just for the sake of doing something for someone is much more spiritually and emotionally rewarding than doing things because someone else will pay you back!

Sadly you have discovered the unfortunate trend of so many parents wanting to simply "dump" their kids on anyone and everyone. These are the same people who expect the school to raise thier children into model citizens so the parents can simply pick them up at the schoolhouse door at age 18. I have two daughters, ages 9.5 and 4 and we homeschool. Many homeschooling Moms have warned me about working Moms who use the fact that they work outside the home and are run ragged for the excuse to do the same thing because "it must be so nice to be able to stay at home" when we often live with much less materially and have made some BIG sacrifices to be there for our own kids. It is very easy to become the local "free drop off point or daycare" for the whole neighborhood and your kids will be VERY popular but you will become even more resentful, overworked and way to liable for other people's children.

We have a policy of not letting our kids go to ANYONE'S house for a playdate unless we know that other person quite well because the quality of supervision can also vary greatly from your own home. Some parents simply let the kids shut a bedroom door and are happy they are out of the way and you don't know about things like unsecured weapons, drugs or questionable people in or out of a house either. You might need to make more of an effort to really get to know the parents of some of these kids and then try to make playdates with others who think more on your lines. I know it is hard to explain to a 6 year old why you are not hosting tons of playdates with some favorite friend but you also deserve not to be used. This is also a big problem with some of us who have tried to lead Girl Scout troops. WAY too many girls would be happy to participate but their parents really don't want to do anything for it so it ends up with one or two women doing it all for 14 or 15 girls. Even when the girls get older into the junior high range and graduate to cadettes, many of them quit and get resentful because they are constantly used for free babysitting for younger troop members without activities for them alone. They quickly realize that they could earn money babysitting in their neighborhood instead of going to a camp and leading girls for free all the time. Sad situation but you don't want your yard swarming with kids that you are legally responsible for when others are not pitching in being part of the "village" it takes to raise children.

H.

Hi A.-

I am a full-time working mom with a 10 yr old daughter and 6 yr old son, and we experience the same thing. Although, in the past we lived in another town and had a wonderful circle of mommies/friends who we used to make jokes that we co-parented. So basically I think it has to do with the circle of parents that you are involved in. I finally have mostly accepted that at this point in life this is just the way things are. I've also found that getting to know the parents of many of the children hard to do as well, so I console myself that I don't know how comfortable I might be if my kids were invited to their homes.

Good luck!

We're in the opposite boat.

For 3 years we were in a tiny student apartment (And by tiny, I mean it. Our house is only about a 1000 square feet and it feels palatial), and now that we finally have our house, it's not exactly "un" safe...but it's close. The stairs are torn out, the cupboard doors are off, we're rototilling the yard next week so it's going to be a mud pit for the next two months...my god...the list I sometimes think will never be done. (This summer though is my hope!!! Ahem, hence the yard. Grass seed is soooo much less expensive then sod.)

Back on target...

So for the past 4 years...we haven't been able to reciprocate except with close friends. So I tell parents that up front.

"Hey...My son really wants to get together and play with yours but ____fill in the blank as to whatever embarrassing thing is currently going on___, would you guys be up for meeting at the park if we get any sun?"

It's hard. It's embarrassing. I want my son to have friends, so I do it...but daaaang is it embarrassing. And quite frankly, we don't do anywhere near as many playdates as we could...simply because of the fact that because we can't host, I don't invite my son to someone elses...and the weather here is lousy.

I'm not saying all the people who aren't reciprocating are in my boat (for one thing I DO tell people I can't host unless it's out and about!), but that's our story.

z

You know, the other parents may just not be thinking about it, because you always are inviting them! I would just be honest and say, "hey, my daughter is dying to play with yours at your house, could we change it up and set up a play date at your place?" And maybe just one of your daughters at a time instead of both?

i am sorry to hear this. I lead a Mommy and me group for working moms a while ago. It was supposed to be that there were 12 moms and each would "host" 1 month. No one else really took charge and I ended up planning them all, regardless of whose house it was at. I work just as much as the others moms and just got to the point that I couldnt do it anymore. I miss it thought.
I think that maybe if a child is at your house you could talk to them about it, put a bug into their ear about you coming over to play next time. Chances are they will ask their parent if they can invite someone over...The other parent might not realize that you are wanting to come over. They also might just not be comfortable having others at their house...maybe plan a playdate at a neutral location? I am not sure on this one...we are usually the ones to go other places, as we love to run around. I hope you find something that works!

A. at this point I think I would try to become friends with the other Parents because there may be a reason they don't envite your girls they may have rules or maybe something els not to say you have bad people but thats what I would do & then again it could just be there not as open & careing or as adventuras as you are still get to know your childens friends parents it's inportain they know who you are to more then you know.

A Mom & Granma that has gotten to know a lot of people just trough my kids & there kids good luck best wishes & God bless hope all works out for you.

J.

Some people just can't seem to get it together to be the hostest. It could be that they feel there house is to messy for company and it creates anxiety. The next time you invite the group let them know how much the kids enjoy these play dates and ask to set up a schedule and that you could take turns hosting. It could be at a park, the zoo or someones house. Make sure to give suggestions. Maybe someone provides the snack and someone provides the place. Unless they are asked they will keep taking the easy way out. They no it's their turn. Give them an oppurtunity, guide them.

say i am busy then say could my daughter come to your house then if they say no say well i cant have her over so bye if yes say thanx so much

I have to say that I would feel that way too but they might not actually think of it that way. It's usually not deliberate..but some moms get a little too used to having those "couple of hours" without their kids, and well they forget that other moms should get some of that too. So, remind them. Plan something week after next..or something..well ahead..if you have weekly things..call one of them and beg out of hosting..you are getting the carpets cleaned..or whatever..you pulled a muscle in your back and you can't vaccumm up lol..anything to get out of hosting. Or do something fun like call one and in a loud announcer voice say "It's Playdate host tag! AND I'm let it be known that A. is NOT IT and YOU ARE!" "Tune in next week to see who's IT" next...giggle incoherently and hang up. Show up on the planned date and time, kids in tow, and see what happens..might get a cool day at the zoo if nothing else. Make it more "Clubby"...everyone has to help out kind of thing. Perhaps they just don't have as good ideas as you for at home play, or maybe they are just less patient with that many kids around. Do some poking where you can and find out answers. Corner them and they will flee, but my guess if you prod a little they will host one now and again. But take it with a little humor too, my guess is they don't mean to dump on you..and if they do tell them you are going to start charging babysitting fees here pretty soon...grrr...

It should be totally appropriate to ask one of the other moms if this week they could have a play date at their house. Tell them how much your girls enjoy these get togethers but you just need a break this week to catch up on some housework or what not.

Any mother that in truly genuine and authentic would totally be more than happy to do that and should ( if they are all there) get the picture that it's not just a one way street with these sort of things.

Good luck, I wish (but not really because I want her to be my baby forever) my daughter was old enough to have play dates so I could host some for ya.