Who Pays for What?

Gosh M., 300 dollars for a dress? You need to live it down a little. how many times will she wear that dress? everything in moderation. you should be happy you have a responsible daughter. so many teenagers out there do nothing, and you have a kid getting ready for college, works, is smart, and appreciative. she should be putting all that money in savings. meaning you and dad pay for everything but set limits (dress up to a 100 dollars), or borrowed, or whatever. no one i know (and we are in stabile financial situation) buys a 300 dollar dress. it's just overkill.

Well It sounds like she pay for a lot of things on her own already. I think you are teaching a lot of responsibilty already. I think you could pay for shoes for formal and she could pay for makeup etc, those are fully necessities anyway but you can't go to formal shoeless...the plane ticket sounds like you bought for her to look at school and then she made up her mind to go elsewhere. would you be able to get the plane ticket refunded if it wasn't used? If so i might ask her to pay 1/2 otherwise if its non refundable she might as well use it right?

You help her out best you can. Sit down together and write down the projected expenses and how she can accomplish meeting them. Then come to an agreement who pays for what. Many Blessings and always love.

Paying for everything having to do with her formal is on you. Not everyone has a child who has a job and is responsible enough to pay for such things as she already is. Formal ios part of school, and part of growing up...That should NOT be on her--unless she wants something that costs just way too much.

As for the trip, you did say that you would pay half. Explain this was to check out a school, and since she has decided to change school choices, that you will still pay half, and the rest of the trip is up to her to pay for. That is fair, and just. Do not punish her just because she chose another school. That will not make anyone happy.

She is already showing responsibility for herself and money by paying for all the things she already is. She is still a legal child--and unless your husband wants to start giving her the money you claim on your taxes, this needs to be a "We said we would, we keep our word, we paid for half type of thing"

**Coming from a gyrl who has been on her own since she was 12 years old*

I think you have her paying too much already you do after all claim on your taxes as a dependent and that's exactly what she should be dependent on you. While I will agree she should pay for the ticket because her plans to go have changed, pay for going out with friends, items she really wants you should pay for her formal I'm guessing that's your equivalent of senior prom it only happens once let her enjoy it. She seems like a good kid.

We have a 16 yr old and we pay for most everything. We pay everything that has to do with her well being at home, school, supplies, car, etc.

Daughter uses her money from babysitting, etc to buy clothes, go out with friends, etc.

She has a credit card with a limited amount of credit (just in case she were to go crazy with it or it get stolen). Sometimes she will use the credit card and tell us that she did and she will pay for whatever it was she charged. She has the credit card for emergency use and she knows it is paid in full every month... we NEVER carry a balance.

We would not expect her to be paying as much as your daughter is paying right now. Learning financial responsibility is very important but you can put too much pressure on the children.

Our daughter knows we live debt free and she follows what she has learned from us.

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I would never expect my daughter to pay for high school, cell phone, college application expenses or even car expenses. She is my daughter and that is my responsibility. She has a part time job in a restaurant this year, the first year since she was heavily into sports previously but is a great saver. She does occasionally pay for a tank of gas with her debit card and pays for most of her entertainment. She did head down to Disneyland yesterday and she paid for her parking, food and goodies (she has an annual pass). She is extremely grateful for what I provide for her and I love to see her appreciation.

I think it depends on how responsible she is being with her money. She seems to be doing fairly well. You bought the dress, so she should buy her own accesories. As for the trip, I would pay for half the ticket but make her pay everything else. It's not breaking your word though, if you decide not to. After all, you agreed to pay for her to go check out a school, NOT to go hang out with friends. I remember when I was 15 I got my first job, and my family was in a very poor financial standing. I bought everything for myself, and a lot of my siblings' wardrobes and extracurricular stuff was paid for by me. The trick is to find a happy medium.

I would pay what you are comfortable (financially and emotionally) paying and have her pitch in. When my stepson went to Prom, we paid for his tux and shoe rental, but he paid for tickets, dinner and flowers.

I agree that if it's now a fun weekend, then she gets less assistance. The tone of the trip has changed.

I think that if she pays for her own phone, movies, etc. she is paying more than some kids her age. We might give my stepdaughter extra cash for a long rehearsal schedule, but if she wants to grab a quick bite after school, that's her money. So is more iTunes, movies, etc. We will pay for 1 year of car insurance for each kid, but after that it's their bill (and generally after that they have a job, etc.).

I would also start to encourage her to save. She will need savings for college and it's a good habit anyway.

My parents made me pay for anything that I wanted to do (I worked from age 14 up and 2 jobs in college). They did pay for my dress and shoes for formals (but I NEVER spent $300 on a dress -- my most expensive was maybe $150) but not the other stuff like hair or spa/waxing services. They paid for all trips to visit colleges but mostly because they accompanied me -- they would not have sent me alone where I didn't know a soul. And for college, they paid 1/3 of my after loan, after grant, after scholarship tuition and books (it was minimal). They did this to allegedly treat me and my sister the same but 1/3 of very little is not the same as 1/3 of a LOT (my younger sis went to an expensive pharmacy school, no scholarships). It is hard to strike a balance (my husband's parents paid for EVERYTHING for their kids through college and even grad school if they weren't married -- if married they were on their own). I think you should estimate how much the rest of her formal stuff will cost then decide what you will offer to her and discuss with her maybe giving 1/3 of the ticket to Indiana, recognizing that when she purchased it, it WAS supposed to be for seeing a school and you had already promised, but that circumstances have changed now. Seems like a fairer compromise to me than sticking her with a $500 flight bill she wasn't expecting. Good luck! Glad to hear that she sounds so responsible -- you must be doing something right :)

I agree with you husband. If she doesn't learn to be financially responsible now when will she? IF she didn't have a job, I'd say you are still 100 % financially responsible for her. BUT, she does have a job and you should be teaching her (1) to save a portion of her earnings (2) how to budget for high item things (2) and how to spend her money wisely (ie. purchasing an airline ticket and changing her mind about it). It's not out of the question to have her use her money to buy her personal items (clothing, make up, feminine products, school supplies). I wouldn't charge her rent because I do not believe in that she needs to learn to use her money wisely, without a doubt.

I think if you agreed to split it and you have already bought it, haven't you already split it with her? I think you should stand by your word though; she bought it in good faith and you should honor that. That way you are teaching her to honor her obligations even when her plans change. Your husband, by backing out of the deal, is showing her that it's ok to back out on an agreement when it's convenient or cheap. That isn't a nice lesson, is it? I'm trying to give you an argument he might listen to.
For formal, why would she need new makeup? Waxing she can do with an at-home kit, and it's a non-essential. If you're paying for her outfit, I would say you can cover shoes and dress, and she can cover the rest. And can she borrow some nice costume jewelry instead of getting something new? Or maybe find something at a pawn shop? Good luck.

I kind of see both sides. It won't hurt your daughter to be self-reliant but I can see wanting to help out if you can afford to.

I definitely think you should pay for 1/2 ticket since you already said you would. But maybe you could compromise with your husband on some of the other prom expenses, letting your daughter know ahead of time she will be on her own for those.

I paid for most of my individual expenses as a teen (clothes, makeup, toiletries, leisure activities, etc), as well as contributing to household groceries. However my mom couldn't afford many extras. I think having to pay my own way a lot helped me learn the value of money and a good job.

For my senior prom I bought a new pair of shoes on sale and bought a prom dress at a resale shop. I did my own hair and makeup and wore an old pair of nice earrings. For other formals I mostly borrowed dresses from friends (that way I only had to pay for dry cleaning!).

Keep you agreement, you would expect her to keep hers, right? Please be the example.
I do understand your husband's thought- but maybe she can look at the Indiana school so she has data for graduate school.
But what ever you already agreed to- be the example of - once an agreement is made everyone can count on it. Then it will work in the other direction. Think of that!best, k

My opinion:
Pay for half the ticket, because you said you would and it's already been purchased.
For formal: offer her a set amount to spend on the rest. If she goes over that she has to pay for it herself.
She should have to pay for all of the "fun" stuff she's going to do in IN while visiting friends. If it's school related, you pay for it.

At 17 she should be working to pay for only car insurance, gas for her car if she has one. Extra clothes, her own cellphone bill and money to hang out at the mall etc. You should pay for the dress and tohave her hair done etc. I would require that she give you 10 dollars a week or some such that you sock away for when she goes to college. Not for books etc, that is still you as long as she gets good grades. I was responsible in colledge to buy my own shampoo, toothpaste, food etc. I had to work in the summer so that when I was at colledge I'd have spending money.

If it's for school or college - mom and dad pay for it.

Prom/Formals?! A $300 DRESS!!!! HOLY SMOKES BATMAN!!!!! My prom dress was free!!! My boyfriends mom let me wear one of her dresses and it ROCKED!!! No one else had one like it! And I got a ton of compliments on it.

Hair? Make up?! Shoes?! The shoes will be off 10 minutes after the dancing starts. She can pay for those! Make up?! Why can't she do it herself? Waxing?! I use the Nads home wax kit - saves me a ton of money. Oh my word!! Thank God my daughter is now grown and I've got boys!! This is just ridiculous!!!

I would see if you can change the ticket from IN to TN without much of a problem. If she hasn't been accepted to any college or university yet - she needs to look at all of her options.

I wouldn't split the cell phone bill with her - that's my personal opinion. When I was 17, I had a job - i had to pay for the gas in my car and insurance. If I wanted to go out to eat - that was on me. Cell phones were something in a movie and thank God they didn't have them then!!!

Any way - good girl with good grades?! GREAT!! YAHOO!!! Prom with all the kit and kaboodle? she should fork it over!

ANY school stuff? Mom and dad. That's my personal opinion!

You are doing a good job!!! By her whipping out her money shows that she has a good head on her shoulders thanks to her parents, be proud.

I think all the "non-extras" that you would normally pay for a child you should definately pay for...typically school related activities, meals, etc. For all the extras/excesses she should pay for...lip and eyebrows, things above necessities. And occasionally, you should pay for some of her extras (once in a while). As for the airline ticket, it was to check out a college and was purchased prior to her decision and you said you would pay for it (at least some) so you should keep your world. I think for things like prom, who is paying for what should be decided before purchases are made so if a budget needs to be set you are all on the same page with no surprises.

That said, for my senior prom and wedding I actually paid for almost all of it because I knew my family couldn't afford it and I wasn't going to have them tell me no. I graduated at 17.

Not because she is making her own money should she feel the need to spend it on whatever she wants. You are still the parent, and I think you should teach her the responsibility of how to wisely use her money for things that are not superficial. Teach her to save, teach her to pay you guys portion of her money for staying there, so that she can learn the value of rent or mortgage payment. Even if you have to use that money to pay back on something SHE wants or save for her future, she is learning that she cannot spend on everything like that. Money and job does run out after a while, so I think that is more of the valuable lesson on who should spend or pay for what. Exactly what is more important for her to have and use that to make your decision.

When I was that age, my parents were on a limited budget due to paying for my private school tuition. I had a job and was expected to pay for car expenses (insurance, gas, etc), any clothing beyond the basics (my parents paid for underwear, socks, jeans, t-shirts, school uniforms, but I paid for any fancier stuff that I wanted). They would give me pocket money of about $100/month (this was 20 years ago) so I could go to a movie, do something fun with friends, etc, but anything past that, I had to pay for myself. They paid for college application expenses, though they did make me pare it down to 3 schools before I applied.

Basically, I think our job as parents is to give our kids everything they NEED (education, basic clothing, food, love and guidance), and very little of what they simply want (a new car, prom, spring break trips, entertainment and hobbies). I think it's great for kids to learn that those "extras" do cost money, and to pay for at least some of these items out of their own money so they have a sense of how many hours they have to work to pay for those extras.

I would say with regard to prom, that dress is more than enough for you to pay for. Can she wax her own eyebrows and lip, do her own makeup and hair? I mean, when you grow up and need to go to a fancy event, you don't go get all that stuff done. Is it really integral to the experience? Somehow I doubt it. Does she have shoes in her closet that she can re-purpose for prom? Borrow a pair of yours? It doesn't all have to be crazy expensive in order to look great! Just my thoughts. :)

My kids are young but my husband & I have already started discussing these types of issues b/c we were pretty much on our own financially when teens, due to different circumstances. My husband & I have come to the conclusion so far , that a good kid , like your describing deserves some help. I think what you're doing is fair. She's taking on & learning some responsibility by paying half but getting some benefits for being a responsible & good kid w/ a job , by you paying other half.

I paid for all of prom, grad and my grad ring aside from my dress, (no where near 300!) in highschool. I had a great job for a teen. I also paid for all of my supplies for school and activities and date like events. For the flight I would suggest she comes up with her luggage fee or makes sure she only takes carry on items and food/drink related to the trip aside from "family/group" meals. I think you are doing well teaching about money but make sure you are not asking her to pay for more than what she makes try to keep it fair and even. You want her to understand what it means to be responsible with money but you don't want to put her in debt her sr year either! Good Luck

I agree with your husband.....if she was in college - not high school. You should pay for all of her formal stuff. I do agree though that she should pay the full ticket price. Once she is in college, then by all means she should foot the bill for of the fun stuff she wants to do. However don't push her to much into adulthood so fast. I had to pay for my living expenses in college and didn't have the 'fun' everyone told me I was supposed to be having b/c I always had to go to work. It certainly put me on the responsibility train, but I don't have the 'great' memories that so many people brag about in their college years. I feel like I really missed out in that aspect.

I think if you already committed to half then that is what you stick to. There is also lesson in that- keeping your word- one of the best lessons to learn. It sounds like she is a responsible good kid I dont think backing out on your deal would sit well with her. As for prom decide what she REALLY needs- borrow jewelry if you need work with the make up she has and split the salon bill if is really necessary it is only one night.

Kitty said it perfectly.

I also suggest you encourage daughter to put money into savings.. When I worked in High School, my mom "heavily suggested" I put half of each paycheck into savings.