Which Matters More?

Chalk up some of the communication disagreements to a difference in men and women. Decades ago I stopped reacting to what I saw as eye rolls and sighs, having previously wanting to "talk it out". My hubbie was and is still near perfect, but these little signs of irritation were just that, little, inconsequential and not requiring hashing out. Now I just move on, and in no time, things are back on track. Now about the snacking.... I guess I would just ask him to go back to the kitchen and get me the same as he has (if that's what I wanted).

I guess I see these issues as not so much being about intent, but rather personalities. And, in a marriage, some acceptance brings an abundance of good days. Oddly, it took me years to realize how many of my personality quirks were the very reasons for my husband's eye rolls, which he was working on accepting! All my best.

Ever hear the phrase:

The road to hell is paved with good intentions?

Yep. That's my feeling on it.

If you don't INTEND to be rude, but are still rude, then you've been rude.

If you don't INTEND to hit someone with your car, but still hit them...

If you INTEND to do something nice, but don't, you haven't done the nice thing.

If you INTEND to pay your bills but don't, your power gets shut off.

"I wasn't intending to make you feel bad, so you don't feel bad" is a ridiculous / totally abrogating responsibility/ selfish argument.

Intention always matters but you have to question intent when they are doing something they know will be perceived a different way. I guess I mean it is true intent not claimed intent.

I work with a few passive aggressive people. They will claim their intent was not to upset someone yet they have been told time and time again this action aggravates people. In that case, well I didn't know doesn't fly.

On your number one I sigh when I am thinking but people take it as annoyance, my daughter is one who gets annoyed. It is a habit, and one that is hard to change. I kind of look at it as she knows I do it when I am thinking so stop reacting as if I am annoyed with you. So if his reaction is not annoyance on his part you really need to change the way you think about it. Now if he really is annoyed but differently then it is on him to clarify.

On number two he was raised differently. I was raised if you are making a meal you take into account all members if you are making a snack and no one says oh make me one too there is no reason the other person can't make their own. At least in this case there can be arguments as to which way is correct.

I guess I am looking at this as more on your husband's side.

After church today my husband ran into the gas station to get a paper. While he was there, I noticed a coke from the day before. I dumped it out my window (not the cup, just the coke). My husband came to my door to give me the paper, and was very offended that there was a (really, really small) puddle of coke right where he needed to step. Completely caught me off guard. Do people really get upset about that? Don't lots of people dump their drinks in parking lots? Anyway, we've been together almost 10 years, and I never knew it bothered him. Learn something new every day.

I think you're probably both about ready to go back to work. I know I am (I also teach). But I think it's also a bit about personalities and the way you grew up. There are some things about my husband that absolutely drive me nuts! But when I stop to think about it, his parents and brother and sister do it to.

Isn't marriage fun?!? I think you just have to try and not let the little things get to you. It's tough, because in the moment they don't seem so little. Still, if you learn how (let me know the secret), I think you'll be a lot happier.

The 1st time the situation happens, yes, you say I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way, my intention was XXX. And the other person needs to let it go.

The 2nd, 5th, 10th time it happens, then the person who does the eye roll, etc, is GUILTY. Because he's been told how that action is perceived before, and so when he does it anyway, he knows EXACTLY the message he is putting out there. And so no, in that situation, any explanation of 'intention' is bogus, IMO.

Actions speak louder than words. Intention is fine too, so long as you follow through in your actions.

It's a communication issue between the two of you.

Read The Five Love Languages -- it will help a lot.

I agree about the getting up and getting a snack part though. If you have told him several times you think it's rude, he should make a mental note of that. He should remember to ask --- "Can I get you something?"

I would take the sigh or eyeroll as you did something that HE finds extremely annoying, and probably after he's mentioned it to you in the past. When called on the sigh/eyeroll, he decides to swallow it and not "start" something because he has judged that it wasn't worth an argument after all. When I sigh, it tends to be because, yes, once again, the front to compartments of the silverware basket are STUFFED and the rear four are completely empty, as if everyone in the house was to lazy to open the door far enough to spread them out so they would actually get clean. Then, I realize, "Hey, at least they put them IN the dishwasher... right?" But I can't take the sigh back.

I don't see the big deal about the snack at all. Offering someone else some of what you are making is very nice. But shouldn't be expected. It's a snack. Not a meal. If hubby brings a bowl of popcorn to the bedroom while we are watching a movie, of course he is going to share it with me. But if he makes a waffle with peanut butter slathered all over it, I wouldn't EVER expect him to offer me one.
So maybe it depends upon the snack and how it went down. A napkin full of chips, sure, have some of these. I can go back and get more. And apple I'm eating by slicing off pieces with a knife? Here, have a slice, too. A piece of toast with jack cheese spread on it? Go get your own if you want some.
Some items are "shareable" and some aren't. If it is shareable, I will gladly share. If it isn't, I won't. If you ASK me, I might make you one too, if you are willing to wait for me to finish enjoying mine.

It's really hard to answer your question without knowing more about the situation. Have you guys ever tried marriage counseling?

Generally I believe actions count more than intentions; on the other hand, men aren't always good at sensing what it is we're really wanting.

I also think there there are passive-aggressive types out there who pretend they don't mean harm.

Again, it's hard to say in your situation. A good, neutral counselor might be able to help you sort through it.

ETA: After your SWH it's sounds like a communication issue. And you're both stressed and tired.

Wow thank you for asking this question. I was about to confront my husband about a sigh and A. eye roll and him being obviously annoyed at me about something that was his fault. I thought he was going to be mad at me for the rest of the night so I wanted to talk it out. But because I read this first I decide not to and now everything is ok between us, for tonight.
As far as you post goes, I think I always try to play innocent because my intentions were genuine but then somewhere along the way i get lost. When confronted with this I get defensive and deny doing anything wrong. I think it is a passive agressive trait that I have and it absolutely drives him BONKERS. I think he is a little OCD and I am so not so personality differences prolly play a role in what happened with you and your husband as well. My husband will get fast food and not get us any because he is "protecting" us from the chemicals. I do agree it is rude as well, I expect him to at least get the kids something when he goes so I don't have to cook that night since I am not cooking for him. anyway, thanks for saving my night!

Actions speak louder than words or, in this case, intentions.

Intentions do have merit but what ends up actually occurring takes some precedence over intent. If something occurs accidentally, that's different.

No intentions don't absolve you. The only thing that really matters are your actions.

Now, sometimes your intentions and actions don't line up clearly, and miscommunications happen, but to say that isn't what you meant after a clear irritation is BS.

Studies show that in marriage where someone rolls their eyes, their chances of divorce are greater. It sound like you guys have a communication issue.

Sounds lik DH is being an AH!