What Does Passive-aggressive Really Mean?

My husband throws his dirty clothes on the floor instead of putting them in the hamper. Instead of asking him to put the clothes in the hamper and telling him it bothers me when he does this, I say to him "I'm just SO glad SOMEONE thinks they have a personal maid service coming in to clean up after them."

That's me being passive aggressive.

definition: of or denoting a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials.

Using your actions or decisions to make a point about something you feel strongly about, without actually addressing or confronting the issue.

People who don't like confrontation are usualy the worst offenders of this.

If the actions on the surface can be represented as harmless but there is ill intention behind them, that's passive agression. Basically it is redirecting anger in a way that the other person knows you have a problem, but avoiding confrontation.

LOVE Rachel's example -- When my husband throws his clothes DIRECTLY AROUND THE HAMPER but not actually inside it (and WHAT is up with that anyway??), and then makes a comment like, "I don't have any clean underwear," I say, "Oh, gee, I checked your hamper and it was empty, so I didn't think you needed laundry done."

Other examples:
- My mother tells me she will be happy to babysit so I can exercise (meaning, I am getting fat).
- My mother in law buys me a gift certificate for Outback when she KNOWS I hate steak (DH loves it).
- My boss says "take all the time you need" when my son is sick, but cc's me on a hundred emails while I'm out that make me feel guilty for missing work.

From what I gather, it's when a person is angry about a situation, can't or won't say anything about it so they'll do things that are indicative of someone who is angry. For example:

Stalking around with an attitude because someone didn't empty the clothes dryer. When asked what's wrong, this person will answer with a flippant, 'Nothing', and suddenly "forget" to do something the other person asked.

"Saving up" infractions. Someone who watches what another person does, incorrectly according to their standards might I add, and catch an attitude about it without saying anything, or blowing up and letting that person have it all at once.

Forgetting to do things on purpose. Huffing and puffing, heavy sighing, slamming doors alllll in the hopes the person you're mad at will the picture so they can ask what's wrong, and you can either tell, or do the nothing thing, and go 'round and 'round on the passive-aggressive merry go round.

In other words, doing little things to hint to the person that you're ticked off about something by doing spiteful things instead of just saying,"I'm upset and this is the reason why," like an emotionally health person would do. I'll admit I used to do this, until I saw that it wasn't right so I stopped. When I'm mad I say something. I also don't fall into the trap, if you're mad about something I've done, that's you're business. Until you make it known, verbally, that I have done something to upset you I won't be asking, 'What's your problem?'

I have a friend is unbelievably passive-aggressive, my mother is too.

I would say ... expressing aggression in non-assertive ways. No yelling or confronting. Jut calmly doing something you know will annoy someone, and seeming like you're just going about your business.

Basically passive aggressive is aggression in a passive manner. Usually those that are passive aggressive were abused as children and could not stand up for themselves so they learned how to passively get back at them. As adults they know no other way to deal with people who they consider adversaries.

An example would actually be flaming. Oh I didn't know it would upset people, why are people being mean to me. They actually do things they know will upset someone and when the person reacts they play the victim.

In the work place it would be the person who drops the ball on purpose knowing that you are the leader and will take the blame. Then when you write them up they go above you and say you were never clear, you are trying to fire them when in fact they are trying to get you fired.

In a relationship it would be you are mad at your spouse so you make a mean you know they hate and then cry that they are so mean to you when they won't eat it.

It is always being the victim.

Rachel, passive aggressive would be kicking the clothes under the bed and acting like you didn't see them even when he asks about them. :p

manipulative.

It's a way of getting or trying to get people to do what you want without actually asking them or telling. AND/ OR straight out lying to them.

EX)

You did an awesome job on that project! (Then tells the boss or other people the project is lacking so they come to you about it instead of the person who told you it was great)

I love that haircut! (then keep pointing out how ugly your haircut is on other people, or how pretty long hair is on people)

I'll take care of my own dinner, no worries. (then be stomping around complaining how hungry you are and complaining there's not food)

We should get together sometime (but never do it, because they really don't want to)

It's when you can't confront a person or situation directly, so you seek an non-confrontational outlet for your frustration. We joke that my boss is, among other things, passive-aggressive. If he's upset with one of us, he won't confront the person and have an uncomfortable conversation. Instead, he'll just ignore the person, stop responding to e-mail, won't take the person's calls etc. Then when he feels that the person has been sufficiently "punished" he'll go back to business as usual and it's like nothing negative happened.

It's when you give someone a "gift" that is supposed to be "helpful" but is actually mean...like a MIL giving her DIL an etiquette book or a wife giving her overweight husband an unwanted gym membership. The recipient may be hurt but the gift-giver will smile and say "what? I thought you'd like it! I'm only trying to help you!"

My husband and I are the king and queen of P-A hostility. It's very childish and immature. If he's annoyed with me, he'll do something like take my car for the day, bring it back with no gas and not tell me. Looks like and innocent lapse, but it's a very deliberate "f-you" towards me. If I'm annoyed with him, I'll do things like let him oversleep when his work phone is ringing off the hook and when he yells "why didn't you wake me up dispatch called 4 times!" I'll smile sweetly and remind him that he has an alarm clock so I assumed that if he was over sleeping, he must have not had to get up or really need some extra rest. We both know that it really means "f-you." Or I'll see that his account balance is low and "forget" to transfer money into it. Or I'll be working late and he'll "forget" to save me a plate of dinner. Stupid things to deliberately annoy and punish the other person.

My view on it: the boss that purposely asks you to do something without making sure you have the right tools or knowledge to do it - resulting in failure (yours); the spouse who gives the silent treatment/cold shoulder to the other spouse instead of working through the issues of their marriage - resulting in a *sudden* - and unilateral -decision to divorce her. Just what comes to mind right now. I hate passive aggressive behavior, it's incredibly manipulative and frustrating!

Hi, Mama:

Passive-Aggressive means: A passive way of being aggressive.
For example: You ask someone to help you do something and he doesn't respond.

If you say something to a person that he doesn't like, he will go behind your back and talk about you.

Next time, ask the person what is the behavior that her boss is exhibiting that way you will know exactly what she is talking about.
Good luck.
D.

When a mamapedia mom reports someone's response/post to the mamapedia police instead of just stating her opposing point of view. That's passive aggressive!