Where Has My Patience Gone?

I talked to the kids. Told them I couldn't stand the confusion and fighting anymore. Told them if they continue to fight.. they must do so outside... It's working. I open the door and tell them see you later. You will not argue in my house.. I need quiet time. Try it.. it might work for you too. I told them they could play games and watch tv... in the house.. but fighting has to take place somewhere else. they think it's funny. but hay it's working.

Hi S.! sounds like you are going through a rough patch.. I went through that too about a year ago.. I work the night shift (11pm to 7am) hardly get any sleep and was constantly yelling at my boys (ages 4 and 6) My husband drove me crazy and I couldn't take it anymore.. I finally went to the doctor and we decided I had some mild depression. She prescribed me Lexapro 10mg and it has been going much better. I don't lose my patience nearly as much and find that I am mostly in a better mood. maybe that would help you?? being a mom is most challenging!! good luck!

No you probably are just reacting to all the stresses going on in your life right now. In my house we will say something like "Gee what are you wearing today? Your crappy pants?" Silly? Yes but it means that you are not yourself and need to take a step back and regroup.

Moving and renovating are both stressful so when you add family life and work on top of that it's no wonder you're at the end of your rope.

Instead of being annoyed by the kids you might take a different approach and spend more one on one time with them. When they bicker it's because they are seeking attention either good or bad.

Hi S., Don't be so hard on yourself. But also, good for you for recognizing that you aren't your usual self. Yes, you are overwhelmed. Don't underestimate the chronic effect that being overwhelmed day-to-day has on a human being. And probably your two girls can see that you are struggling and are acting out the impact that this has on them. You're in a tough spot. That being said, you may want to see a therapist so you have a "release valve" for all the pressure you seem to be under. Also, if there are some hormonal blips related to menstrual cycle and/or pre-menopausal issues, that only complicates things further. If that is the case, a low-dose of an SSRI (Prozac, Zoloft, Lexapro, etc.), can be so helpful in preserving your sense of self-efficacy and sanity! BTW, I am a psychologist and see this all the time, and have even had bouts of it myself. You seem to have a good sense of humor, which is such a positive. Use it when you feel like you're gonna lose it! Good luck. Email me privately if you wish. I can refer you to someone good.

I am right there with you..like right now. My dog's barking his head off and I am the only one in the house who hears him, the TV's too loud, the two year old keeps coming in and bugging me....~deep breath

I thought about going on strike. Taking off for a few days and letting my household know and see first hand what I have to do all day to keep this house running, but I can't afford to do that or want children services on my behind for "abandonment".

If you figure out how to "fix" this, let me know because I am tired of scheduling my showers around everyone else's needs.

Nanc

I am not sure how you are but at 39 I started perimenopause
and suddenly got very b&tchy out of the blue. My Mom was a nightmare and her period stopped at 42. I went on meds because I did not want to put my family through the hell we went through with my Mom. I also just started taking less estrogen and it definitely has an impact on me. I am 47 now and still in this lovely perimenopausal state.

Hi S., I know EXACTLY how you feel, because I felt it when my kids were younger, they're mostly grown and out of the house now but I WISH I had a forum like this because all the advice would have helped me so much but all I can say is from my perspective of having lived it and survived, is I wish I had tried to be more patient because it hurts to know that those few years were so difficult for all of us and it didn't need to be. Take time now to introduce more structure and discipline and it will be more easier for you because the consequences will also dictate their behavior too. Good luck and best wishes. PS there were 3 for me and the worst time was when they were 4,8,12, pure insanity!

I think we all get like this at times. It sounds like you are just overwhelmed and stressed out. You need to take a break to regroup and gain control. Try taking a day off from work if you can or go out by yourself - whatver you normally do to destress.

I can SO relate - renovations and all! I've experienced times like these which is largely the result of general stress --coupled with guilt for the way I'm acting (which adds to the stress)! That you recognize your behavior and how you are relating to those you love is a good thing, because now you can try to take a step back and look at what you can do to alleviate some stressors. I can't offer any specifics that would work in your unique situation, but if you focus on the most MEANINGFUL (to you) priorities, as someone has suggested below, I'm sure you'll be able to take a step at a time toward de-stressing (and feeling better about yourself as a mother). Good luck!

I don't know how old you are so it's hard to say if you are having any hormonal changes. If you are 40 or over you may be starting to become perimenopausal--you start to get more bitchy and emotional at times and easily stressed. I am 41 and I can tell you that my PMS is worse now than ever before--but that's another story. Keep your diet in check--avoid junk carbs and try to eat at regular intervals so your don't have sugar highs and lows--don't let youself get too hungry so you make bad choices. I too, have lived through an extensive renovation while living in the house--it is extremely stressful for everyone (just remember that it's only temporary and it'll be worth it in the end). I would recommend to you that you leave the house for at least one hour a day. Go to park, take a nature walk, walk around the mall, window shop--but get out of the house. If at all possible, try to get some "me" time in too. Having sex more often will definitely help you and your husband too--try to reconnect physically. The human touch does wonders to soothe the soul. Hope this helps! S. in CT

Hi S.,

Ok, welcome to the world of "I am so overwhelmed" LOL. I know it is not a laughing matter, but you have to break up the constant annoyance somehow. In view of the fact that you are a stay at home mom, you don't get an opportunity to leave the house and hang out with some of your co-workers. You need some relaxation time. I know things are going on in the house that need your attention, but right now you need some personal attention. My children are constantly finding fault with each other and everything around them. Sometimes just tune them out. Or just make them be QUIET. You are not beginning some kind of mental illness you just need some ME TIME, we all do. Take a day off or two days and do something that you really like doing, after your outing don't come back home and cook dinner eat out or order take in, (something inexpensive) it will make a world of difference and when you become overwhelmed again, take some time off. Explain to your girls that their behavior is affecting and they will calm down for awhile.

All the best to you and your family.

I think now is the perfect time to find a good counselor. I doubt that you're in the beginnings of a mental illness. To me, it just sounds like an extremely full plate! Seriously! I was an elementary school teacher before I became a full time mom, and I know those ages well. (12 yrs old especially- not easy!) And with work on the house + your job, and probably a husband who means well...but doesn't help out as much as he should...

It's time to take an hour out of your week, and focus on you. Talking to a counselor or therapist can be so liberating, so affirming, and such a good way to express all this irritation and guilt. She (or he) can also help you find alternative choices for when you're just at your wit's end, and are ready to explode on your loved ones. Consider it!

Good luck!

its stress...go out for an icecream cone...by yourself...!!!

I seem to get like this about every 6 to 8 weeks. Who knows why? I find that (for me at least) it's an indicator that I need a "vacation". A whole day, preferably, AWAY from kids, husband, and any other responsibilities. Yeah, right! Seriously, it sounds like you really need to just be S. for a day, not Mommy. Visit your mom for the afternoon, shop with a friend, send your husband and kids to a museum so you can wallow in a bath (but absolutely no work on your renovations!).

If you also need some time to get your work done, ask a nearby friend or two to help - all the kids at your house Monday, all the kids at the friend's house Tuesday. You won't get any LESS done on Monday, but you'll get lots more done on Tuesday.

Good luck!
-K.

Dear S.,

You are a great mom! Obviously, you are because of all the things you are juggling. That is most likely what is getting to you. I would suggest making a list of what the priorities in you life are. Then stick to that, no more. Make sure you are on that list. Things that you would like to accomplish, put on a list for everyone to do, like cooking, cleaning and other things. We all try to be super moms and we are but even super moms need help, and time for themselves. If you are feeling overwhelmed then you are taking on too much. Your feelings would happen to anyone. Best of Luck!!
D.

Firstly I will say, what you explained is my constant state. I am on medication for this which helps a lot.

Secondly, considering your level of stress right now, it is likely just your reaction to the stress. I'd take some time for yourself and do some things to help relax and calm and take care of you. If you feel like this feeling is not going away, definitely discuss it with yoru doctor. there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with taking medication if it can improve your quality of life. A couple months after my twins were born, I started feeling that way, it was no way to live. Now with the proper medication things are so much better.

It sounds like you have a lot of things going on at once. Thats enough to drive anyone up a wall. You need to get away for a few hours and just relax. Go for a massage or simply sit in a park and enjoy the fall foliage.
When the girls start bickering send them far away, their rooms or outside or even the attic..lol Tell them not to come back till they have solved their problem. Refuse to mediate, thats what they want..your attention. And remember what I am telling you..in 10 years you will be looking back on the bickering with longing, wishing they were back home. So enjoy them while they are still around as hard as that sounds. Oh remember when you swore they would never sleep the night and you were totally exhausted? See..it does pass.

The only times I have ever felt prolonged experiences where I REALLY did not feel like myself have involved hormonal birth controls. You don't mention your age or whether you are on any type of BC, but you may want to find out if, in addition to the many stressors in your life, something (BC or pre-menopause or thyroid, etc.) may be affecting your hormones.

In college, whatever pill the health center provided everyone made us feel like we were losing our minds, vast mood swings, never new what emotion was going to pop out, could snap at anything or anyone. I thought I was having a mental breakdown, eventually a bunch of us found out we were all going through the same thing and we were all on the same type of pill (don't remember what that was now). As a temporary remedy we took B-complex vitamins, called them our "happy pills", and for some reason that helped (but not as well as switching to a different brand of pills). After I had my daughter, my dr recommended depo provera as the BC to use while i was breast feeding. It made me horribly depressed! (took awhile before I recognized this, but I was DEPRESSED!) I had to switch to the pill for a little while to straighten my hormones out.

Anyway, I would first see if one of your doctors can find a hormonal cause (I don't know how they would test for this, both of mine were self-diagnosed, but corroborated either via friends or the internet).

In the meantime, take your B-vitamins and try to find some ME-time (preferably OUTSIDE of your house, since it contains so many of your current stressors). If your doctors can't identify a potential hormonal culprit, and you still feel like you're living with the dragon, then I'd look into talking to a therapist or other mental health professional.

S.,

Ahhh Welcome to parenting LOL

its normal to feel that way, especially when you have yourself over extended.

your kids need more structure, it will help stop the bickering

usually i would suggest that you enroll them in a sport,
but your already on a short leash.

So I suggest purchasing craft, and activity books from barnes and nobles,.

this will help create independent play.

board games for the days they want to be together.

give them chores to do, to keep them busy and to help you out,. such as garbage out, dishes washed, rooms cleaned

and if they want MONEY they can do extra.
sucha as putting laundry away, clean the bathrooms, vaccuming and the laundry.

1 dollar per chore completed.

this will help your peace of mind and they can use the money towards something they wanna do

You don't say how old they are so this is for 7 and up

for younger kids ages 3-5
building blocks and separate rooms,
sticker books puzzles,
coloring
crayola wonder paint books ( no mess)
magnets
farm animals
and a job to do like, clean up the toys for a cookie
and colorforms
http://www.liveandlearn.com/colorforms.html

you need to have a planned activity for them

if you can't do this perhaps you can PAY a teenaged girl in your neighborhood to come and take them for a hour walk,
you can pay her 5 dollars per hour.
that would be 50 dollars per week,for 2 hours a day.
she could help them do their home work. and play with them for an hour.
this would be a great investment.
for an additional 10 dollars per week you could ask her to clean up the house for an hour twice a week ,

and she would be happy as would the kids, and yourself.

something to think about.

M

Hi S.,

I can totally relate to being constantly annoyed. BUT... I hated that about myself. I was doing it when I was newly married and my daughter was a toddler. What I did was begin meditating and doing yoga. It took a couple of years (for me) to get at the root of what was brothering me and (for me)it was lack of support. Spa treatments are not going to help. You have to look inside of yourself and find out what you need in the deepest most part of what makes you, you. And when you can say what that is you want, wish for, dreamt about that has been dormant, than you began the journey of asking for that or going after that or making that apart of your daily life.

When I did that I stop snapping at my family. Drugs is not going to help. Calling it a mid life crisis is not going to help. You need something. Find out what it is and give it to yourself.

I have a step-daughter who drives me crazy and I feel the exact way you described. She is 13 and has a face or attitude about everything under the sky. She is with us full time since she is 6 and her Mom is come and go (it's really awful). Anyway, I feel like I could choke her on a daily basis. Sometimes she isn't walking right for me. I find myself saying in my head "I can't stand her". I also have a husband who takes most things I do for granted, I have a step-son age 11 and two daughters from our marriage 4 and 2. I am very busy and take care of everything and I am a doormat most of the time. I believe this is why I want to choke my 13 year old. I find that if I remind myself that it is the behavior I don't like and not the actual child I feel better. I also feel that if my husband isn't lending a hand I get more frustrated quicker and have less patience or as I call it these days tolerance for the kids. I know I need more patience with the little ones so I know my 13 year old would suffer more it I let it all out all the time. Choose your battles - try to not sweat the small stuff - my therapist is a great woman and says "kiss it up to God". Which helps alot. Just KNOW - you are not crazy - I feel it - and fight it. I am beginning to think it's a hormonal thing......

Good question - I feel the same way.

I sounds like you have a lot going on. I know that I am often short tempered and annoyed with my little ones, even though I love them to pieces. I work full time, leaving the house at 5:45 a.m. By the time I get home at 6:30 p.m., I'm exhausted, so as soon as I hear the whining and crying and demands, it just drives me crazy. Sometimes I think I just don't have the proper patience. So, I can't really offer you much advice but simply wanted to say that if you are becoming mentally ill, I guess I am too!!! Maybe our kids are giving us more than gray hair!
I'll be curious to see the other responses....

Hi S.,
You're not the only one who's been there and you're not a terrible mother! My kids are 9 and 13 now. Every day is jam packed, I feel like the hamster on the wheel all the time.
I think the important thing to remember is time out for you. Make sure that you get to take a 20 minute walk, do a 20 minute yoga tape or something for you. Give yourself one evening a week to go browse at the bookstore, have coffee with a friend, get a manicure or whatever you like. No matter how hectic things are, you need a couple of hours a week for you.
And talk to the kids. The 12 is way old enough to understand that you're feeling stressed and the bickering is making you angry and not want to do things for the family. Let the kids know that the happier mom is, the more pleasant mom will be and the more mom would be likely to do for them.
Hugs and good luck! I am convinced I would be certifiably insane if not for monthly book club.

Hey S...i hope u have not reached the nut house by the time this note of encouragement reaches you...i have three children so i know it has to be a little rough on you..but patience is very important because people snap and then the question is..what happened, why and how...anyway u need to talk to your girls because they are actually old enough to understand if u are going thru a trying time...and i mean get a little deep with them and let them know straight up what it feels like u are going thru and u are not able to deal with it...and by all means ..your equally wonderful husband doesnt sound so...but if he is let him also know that u really need some help with the children and how u feel also...there are a lot of ppl that are depressed and have anxiety attacks i am one of them and i know that i have to have patience because it feels like im going off the deep end at times...u need some alone time and i suggest u get as much as possible while the kids are in school..because sometimes if u are feeling tired and your body feels drained ..it makes it much worst...i wish u luck with this and i do understand ya pain trust me...if your girls dont comply and understand that simply mom needs not to be stressed out so much...then take some things that they enjoy..as a form of punishment that they should listen and behave with u...i cant say it will work a hundred percent but i think its worth a chance...or get them involved in some activities that allow u some time out to yourself..i have seen and heard many instances where someone reached out for help in your same situation that may seem simple...but in the end..hurt themselves or their kids..if u believe in god like i do..stay prayful..and mostly ask for strength and patience..prayer changes things..good luck..

You need a TIME OUT adult style!!! Go for a massage or a facial or what ever you like to do to pamper yourself. You need to get out and have some self time even if it is to read a book and have a cup of tea!!!