What Am I Doing???

Hey S.,

I went through the same thing. After my second daughter was bored, I was hit hard with PPD, not saying you have this, I was put on Effexor. I still take it today and my youngest is almost two. The problems I was having were that my husband and I had no communication, he had once even told me when I would pretty much beg him for adult interaction when he got home from work that talking to me was just something he had to do to get me to date him. Bet you can't guess why we're separated. I felt like I was a single mom to two kids, plus I had his messes to clean also. I completly lost all of my own interests and hobbies. Finally in July of this year I went back to work and asked for a separation. Getting to do things that I enjoy now have helped so much, and through marriage counseling he is seeing how he wasn't helping. I don't know if any of this helped you at all. But I thought I'd give you my side.

Hi S.,
LOTS of great information on here. I'm also a SAHM mom of children. It's HARD! I went from being the career woman to being a SAHM and really, Managment would be a piece of cake to go back to now! I also homeschool, so there is no break from the kids. I've been where you are and I know how you feel. I also have a disease that "acts up" when I get stressed. It's such fun. I have remained drug free, even for the disease. I pray for guidance and patience, that's always a big help. I also exercise 4-6 days per week. It can be tough trying to fit that into an already hectic day, but trust me, once you get your workout done, the day just goes so much more smoothly. I also make sure I take some time out of the day to just be by myself. I've even sat in my closet before, just to have peace and quiet. There are a lot of great books on breath work and meditation. I was never a big believer of these things until my doctor actually recommended I start using yoga, meditation & breath work to stay off medicine. I bought The Breathing Book by Donna Farhi (there are many other's that are also wonderful) and started using it. It only took me 1 month to come off the medication (that I was told I'd be on for life) and I haven't had to use it since, that's been 3 years now. I tend to ramble a bit...that's from being a stay at home mom who homeschools! hee hee
I hope that helps you out~ let me know if there is anything else I can do to help you & rent some yoga tapes, or any exercise really. I have LOTS of workout videos, so if you need help deciding, let me know.
Good luck!
Y.

It sounds like you are exhausted and burned out. Being a stay at home mom is hard! The fact that you have recognized that you are yelling all the time is a good sign, now you have to figure out how to change that. I'm not sure medication is necessary, unless you think you're really depressed. Here are some things that may work for you:

Try to get out with the kids, meet some other moms, do some fun things together. It may seem like a huge ordeal to get the kids out of the house, but a change of scene a couple of times a week will work wonders. Being around other moms will help you feel less alone, try to find some other women to get together with. Take some time just for you. When the kids nap, sit down and rest! (if your oldest doesn't nap, make him have "rest time" where he plays quietly and doesn't bother you).

Exercise, at least a walk around the block. Also, make sure you're eating healthy, and actually sitting down to meals sometimes. Sometimes when we're hungry, we snap!

Take some time by yourself. Try to get out of the house, alone or with just your husband, at least a couple of hours a week.

Figure out what your expectations are. Do you expect yourself to be perfect? Do you think the house and kids should be perfect? Do your kids even know what you expect of them? Lowering these expectations will make you less stressed. Come up with a list of 5 or so house rules, things that are really important to you (like being kind to each other, not ruining other people's stuff, etc) Tell them to the kids and stick to them. Don't get into power stuggles with the kids, you won't win.

When you get frustrated, take a step back, breathe deep. It's so hard not to lose it, I know, but it's so important to just stay calm. I used to yell a lot, especially at my older son, now I really focus on the tone of my voice, and try to keep it calm and stay below a shout. It's really hard to stay calm all the time, but just try to focus on it, and keep it all in perspective (are the things you're yelling about all that important?) The kids will be so much happier, and so will you. Remember, they won't be little for long, so try to enjoy them!

After I had my second child, I went through the same thing. I too have been married 5 years and just recently began working again. My opinion is that PP depression can last longer than most people think. You could have something of that nature going on and meds may help. And being at home all the time with 3 kids under 5 is hard work!
When I went through that, I gotta a part time job.I didn't want to be away from my kids and i had been only a stay at home mom so i really wasn't confiedent, but it helped. I met friends and got out 2 or 3 times a week to work, and my husband had much needed daddy time to see how hard it was. Not only did a contribute to family funds and took a little of that stress away, but i made my self happier and my family happier.
You 4 year old has been through alot, and adding 2 siblings is hard. I would make sure you have alone time with the 4 year old, just take him out once in awhile even if its to the grocery store and buy him a candy bar (and you too) and sit in the car and eat it and actually talk to him without a baby crying. It makes a world of difference.:) Hope thats help!

From the sound of it you are suffering some sort of post-pardem depression and yes you should seek medical help. I would try a psychologist/psychiatric first who specializes in post-pardem and see if they can help you and help determine what is causing this new anger issue. You may need to be on medication til things calm down, but there may be other avenues as well so you should ask for all your choices, and make the best one for you. It may help having someone to talk to and listen to you and help with what is going on, in a private, child free zone. That may be all you need, but definitely get some help before it gets worse and the yelling turns into something worse. My prayers are with you and hope that everything works out and calms down for you soon.

OMG S., this was me a few years ago.....I was ALWAYS yelling and extremely IRRITABLE with my 3 kids....my home was not a happy place...an antidepressant Rx saved me! Most people don't know that depression symptoms aren't just sadness, crying...etc. Symptoms can also be anger, irritability, loss of patience, unable to deal with stressors...talk to your doc...she can help you choose a medication that is right for you...there are so many good antidepressants out now that have little or no side effects, and you can even breastfeed while taking them. And so your own research on the Rx so you can make an informed choice!

Is your main issue trying to cope with the three kids and the termoil that comes with them? or, do you feel that you are "depressed". I think it would only be natural with three kids to feel a certain amount of anxiety all the time. If the first suggestion is the case, medication does not sound like the answer to me. In this case, drugs can work as a band-aid for the problem, but it won't fix the problem.

Not knowing much about your situation, I would probably think that family counseling might help before resorting to drugs. Maybe some tweeking of lifestyle from a counselor or family consultant (think Supernanny like on TV) would help you get your family on a routine that would put your mind at ease a bit. My current employer as well as my previous employer both had programs that would pay for this type of couseling 100%. I would have your husband check just in case his employer offers this type of wellness incentive.

I would definitely talk to a doctor and get an opinion, but I would try other avenues first if possible. Good luck!

S.,

First of all, let me just say..you're not a bad mom. We ALL have short fuses from time to time. Personally, I think a mom that NEVER loses her temper is either sedated or insane...lol.

Seriously, I have days that my kids drive me nuts...and I end up with a sore throat at the end of the day. Kids have a way of pushing buttons sometimes...so do husbands...lol.

Being a stay-at-home mom is no easy task...I know, I've been one for the last six years. And prior to then, I worked on and off as an Emergency Medical Technician..MAJOR STRESS! We moms have a really difficult job. Keeping the house cleaned, making sure everyone has something to eat and clean clothes...and that's just for starters!

As for medication, unless you're dealing with alot of anxiety and/or depression, I think I would try some other things before doing the medication thing. Anti-anxiety meds and antidepressants have alot of undesirable side effects.

I know you've probably had folks to tell you that "you need to take a break"...well, that is so true. Let's face it, when you're a stay-at-home mom, you never really get a break from the kids, the cleaning, etc. You do need to make a little time for YOU. Even if it's only for 15 or 20 minutes. Just a little "down time" works wonders.

After the birth of my twins, I went through a pretty rough time. My pregnancy was aweful and the babies were born premature. That was stressful enough. Then, after I finally got them home, the real fun began!...LOL. In the beginning I had my mom and my grandmother. Then my mom had a heart attack when the twins were 3 months old. I was then completely on my own. I thought I'd lose my mind. My husband HAD to work. So I was the only one taking care of the twins and my then 3 year old.
I reached a point where I knew I had to do something. I was so stressed out. So, I called my husband and told him I needed for him to get off work a little earlier than usual. When he got home, I fixed myself a nice big cup of tea and I went outside to the patio...and I chilled out!..for an hour. I was amazed how much better I felt. Just that little bit of ME time did wonders.

Please remember that although you are a mom, you are also a woman. You still need to take care of you. Always remember how special you are and how much you are loved and needed. Take time to love yourself and I'll bet you'll love life more.

Good Luck and HANG IN THERE!!!

Best Wishes,

C.

Hi S.,

I think that what you are going through is normal and you are not a bad mom. Having three kids is hard work and lots of stress. I would recommend like the others a time out period for just you. Ask your husband to take the kids and have some time to yourself. If you can't do this everyday, then maybe everyother day. And it doesn't have to be for hours at a time. Even a half hour or hour will work. Just something that is regular so you have a breather.. Enough time to gather your thoughts and unwind a little. I am also not a believer in medication. I feel that too many people are too quick to turn to drugs when other methods will work. Also maybe have one night a week everyother week were you get to have a mommy day out. I have one Thursday a month that is designated as mommy-nite were I get to go out without the kids and my husband. This gives me some time for communication with adults were I am free from mommy duties. I hope that this helps a little. Know that you aren't alone in this and as they get older things get easier in some situations and harder in others. Send me a message if you ever need to talk!!!

I have gone through the same thing and kudos for recognizing that you may need help, so many mom's don't for fear of seeming like a bad mother. I did have to go on anti-depressants for a while, and may need to go on another medicine. If you feel this is an issue, see a dr. and they will help you determine whether or not you need meds. I have also found books to be a great help, and a little time alone. My kids are 9,4 and 7 months. I know this will all work itself out. You have my prayers.

Hi S.,
DOn't think of yourself as a bad Mommy, you probably look in the mirror and see a tired Mommy. I can relate. I have three teens that were once three toddlers. I thought you were talking about me when I was reading your email. (smile) Being at home with three small kids all day, everyone wants and needs their individual attention, and sometimes at the same time. I don't know if you and your husband have a routine where he comes in after work and takes 2nd shift while you have some "wind down time", or hire a "good" babysitter and the two of you have a "date night". WHatever you do, always remember that they are little extensions of you and your husband, and what they see is what they mimick.
Whatever you need to do to step back and "breathe", you find that. WHatever is comfortable for you. They need everything from you, because you are there with them the majority of the time. It does get better, and worse. (that's the beauty of it) My kids are now 15, 16, and 18. LOL!!! (I have to laugh to keep from crying) Tears of joy. They are now little adults that are trying to figure out who or what they are in this world full of opportunities. Cherish every moment. One day, they are going to learn how to talk, walk, yell, run, push, hug, etc. I think I enjoyed it more when they were 1,2,and 4.
I hope this helps.

I have the same problem... when life gets "crazy" its really, really easy to take it out on them... After seeking help online I found a site called flylady.net Its sort of an online "cult" but its amazing! Simple routines keep you focused through the day, and when you are in control of your CHAOS you are not chaotic and you will find your sweet kids underneath all the grumpiness... Try it, its free and if you're ready to make the step to do it, it'll help- without prozac! Basically she sends you email reminders to do your routines, you do them, and you're not constantly thinking in the back of your head, "I have to do this and this and this..." so you can focus on your kids and your life. Gaining control of my house and my life has helped me to slowly gain control of my kids!

Hi S. , I too am a stay at home mom and let me tell you , I have the same thing. I have a 3year old at home with me and I'm due in Feb. with the 3rd child. Thank god my oldest goes to school. I know I feel like this because i never get time for me. I always have the kids.Even the weekends when my husband is home. I think maybe you need a little tlc for you. If that doesn't help it is ok to talk to your Dr. about med. I have before. Good luck.. Anymore ? email me . Dottie

sorry, I've not had time to read through all the responses. I have been in your shoes. I did chose to use medication. But I would also strongly suggest Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. That has helped me sooooo much. There are several counselors who use that approach. Just call around and ask. For these situations, that type of therapy gets the fastest and longest lasting results. good luck mama

I can so relate with u when i was a stay at home mom I was just like u.... I felt the whole world on my shoulders and that i had to take care of everything.. I didnt want to miss being with my son by returning to work after his birth... he is now 4 and I have a 4 month old I went back to work after my second one and life is so calmer... I think what u need is a break.. who wants to listen to Dora and Sponge bob all day.. Dont feel like ur a bad mom cus ur not just take a deep breath and find out if u have a close mommys day out daycare and take advantage of it and find u some adult confersation... I think that if u can give ur self one day a week it might get easier let me know if u need to talk I hope that this helps... T.

I have been in your shoes.I am also a stay at home,mother of 3. I did take the medication. However I only took it for as short period to help me through the stress. The best outlet for me is talking to other moms and/ or a moms day out.
If you ever need to chat or would like to get out go shopping I am here. Again I have been in your shoes and it is normal and I praise you for looking into it. I have a friend who will go through this and she refuses to help herself or try anything.
Contact me anytime.

T.- a mother of 3 (a 4yr, a 3 yr old, and a 10 month old). I have been married for 6 years now. I stay at home during the week and babysit two other babies and I work in tthe studio on weekends.

Hi S.
I am a mom of 1 super sweet but very active 19 month old. I work part time and used to bring her to work with me but once she began walking that was impossible. So my mom and MIL help keep her while I'm at work. But when I do have her all day I find that if we can get outside and play...or do things that really work out all of her energy we both have a better day. One prime example is going to the park...she loves to play. I usually do invite a friend to go along...so I get some adult conversation and she gets to play with someone her age. I too don't recommend medication...I'm not a big believer.
Also I kinda realized that getting upset is always a choice. When I'm my most upset if I make myself, I can choose not to be upset. And if I can, I'll just walk away and take a few minutes for myself to regroup. Like I said, I only have the 1 child...I cannot fathom 3. I'm sure you're doing a great job.
M. M

My poor dear I feel your pain I am also a stay at home mom.. Get your kids into a daycare.. not all week just couple times a week it will help you with your stress it gives you some ME time.. its hard staying at home with the kids all the time I am doing it myself. I am getting ready to go back to work and this will help as well.. I have at home a 2 yr old and a 6 yr old the 6yr old is at school and the 2yr old is with me and it is hard.. but stick to a plan about daycare its not gonna hurt them it will do them alot of good to be around other children..

Hi S.:
I have been there too. I took zoloft but I don't think it helped much. I was calmer but also very sleepy. I would recommend finding a playgroup maybe in your neighborhood or close in your area. Also finding a group for moms. I liked mothers and more. It is a national group. They get together here in Huntersville (lake Norman area)They have another branch I think in Charlotte and they were thinking about having a branch in mooresville(I don't know if they have it now)I haven't been a member for 2 years now. My kids are in school so we don't do the playgroup. I also would recommend natural ways for calming down for example buy your favorite tea or hot chocolate, (my favorite ones are cammomile tea or chai tea) and set a time just for you to relax and enjoy your tea. Tell your kids this is your S. time when you are done you will go and play with them. They will enjoy that.
I hope this helps
M.

Hi S. S,

I am a single mother of a 6 year old little girl, I know all about stresses and losing your temper. I spent 10 years in the army. I spent 16 months in Iraq. When I came back I knew nothing but anger. I felt guilty for leaving my child and overwhelmed by the fact that I everyone expected me to the be the same as before I left. I saw my daughter's sad face and just like you I wanted to change. I prayed a lot more and developed a stronger relationship with God. I was offered medication but just like you I had my concerns. I found a way to handle my stress differently with prayer and accessing the situation before I blew up at my daughter or anyone else for that matter. Once you develop a certain way of handling stress other than screaming, things will get better for you. Stop and think before you act because kids take in more than we give them credit for. I learned a lot from my daughter. Try Prayer it works. Trust in the Lord and he will never leave or forsake you.

S.

Good Morning S.,

The only thing I can tell you is that you have reach burned out. Being a stay at home mom is a difficult job. You have 3 kids that need you all the time. You too will need to take time for you. When my son was born I had choose to stay at home first. That for me only lasted 6 mos. Don't get me wrong I love my son, but I was not cut out to be home. I miss the adult conversation and interacting in the job market. Once I started back working, of course I went throught the questioning phase, but I was very happy to be with my son at home on weekends. I actually have been very fortunate to have jobs that were family oriented. I have always been able to share my son's activities for school and after school activities. That is what help me from being couped up at home. Now that isn't what you are asking, my point is that you need to take time for you and your husband. When you realize that being a mom is necessarily being with you kids night and day, but making time for you. If you have family near by asked them to babysit while you and your husband goes to the movies or dinner alone. Just to have that kind of break will do you wonders in being patient with the kids. Also if you want alone time have your husband watch the kids and go to the mall and window shop. Just get away. This really will help. Good Luck and if you feel depress than I would suggest antidepressants, but only as a last resort. I have been on them they do work but if you don't deal with what the problem is than when you choose to get off them you will be back to were you are now. Take care.

Hi S.,

Being a mom in general is a stressful thing. But with your little ones being 4, 2, and 9 months old, given all the meltdowns, whining, temper tantrums, bickering that i can only guess goes on in your home, short of calling in "Supernanny" I certainly do think you could afford yourself a little peace of mind, a little sanity which will ultimately bring happiness to all. Visit your doctor and bring along a copy of your post if your dr. won't help you, change drs. Good Luck!!

I do child care (in addition to raising my 1 yr old son), and I have found Dr. Becky Bailey's resources really helpful for me. Her main book is "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" and I think you'd find that helpful - very practical, down to earth stuff. She also has a website www.consciousdiscipline.com. Click on the "Free Stuff" tab to get general info about her child rearing techniques. God bless!

Been there done that and sometimes still do it. When you are pregnant you have high levels of progesterone in your body to help support the pregnancy. Believe it or not, my progesterone level went so far south I thought I was losing my mind and I was definitely losing my temper. I did not discover the deficiency until my son was nearly a year and half old. There are no side effects so I suggest you go to a natural pharmacy, one that compounds medicine, which means they mix their own and get what is called bio-identical progesterone which means it's not synthetic which is what progesterone over the counter is and also birth control that contains estrogen. You could just be deficient and need to get your levels back up.

I have 6% progesterone cream which is rubbed on the inner arm (forearms) on a daily basis. I take 0.5ml which is a very small drop. I noticed a complete change in my sleeping (which some can take the cream at night and some can't, I am one who cannot) energy level, definitely mood, attitude and even sex drive for some women. I was taking a higher dose and found that once my body had its fill and my level was good I would get quick head rushes (nothing scary) so I went off of it for several months. I also had body aches and fatigue to the point I thought I had arthritis. I was tested negative. This stuff saved my life.

Please let me know if you try it and what you think after about a week. Every woman is different so you may dose a full 1 ml but I would start with just a small amount to see what you think and move your way up if you don’t' see a difference. I started at 1 ml on a 3% but now take half the dose under the 6%. My doctor was kind enough to write a prescription but if you get under 6% you do not need a prescription. Good luck.