Where Do People Get Off....???

I always smile at parents who kids are having melt-downs - a nice sympathetic smile, because we get ENOUGH judgments! Some people seem to think kids come with off switches.

I suggest that you smile at the next Mom or Dad you see whose kid is throwing a tantrum....somehow it always makes ME feel better when people are nasty to ME to know that I am NOT going to pass that on!

HUGS!

I think "She's autistic and can't help herself" is a perfect response. I can understand why this is getting to you, but it sounds to me like you handled it as well as you could under the circumstances, and I would imagine the woman felt put in her place (rightly). It's never pleasant to see a child throwing a fit, but since we (outsiders) NEVER know the whole story, even for non-autistic children, and hopefully she'll think twice before being critical or judgmental next time. Most of us do the best we can with what we have.

Don't you hate it when you think of the "perfect" response after the thought?? Grrr....it would have been great to say what you wanted to say, but what you DID say will probably make that woman stop and think next time she wants to judge.
L.

I didn't read any of the other posts, so I apologize if you hear this twice. I have a 6 year old boy with autism. And most times he is ok in public. But I have had several times when he started to have a meltdown and half the time I didn't even know why, because he was non verbal until he was 5. And on occassion I have had to leave my shopping cart in the middle of an isle and sprint through the store to try and catch him all the while everyone is staring in disbelief. It only takes two seconds while I am looking at a label or something for him to climb out of the cart and take off. People stare and say mean things.
I made myself a buisness card and on the front it has my adorable little boys picture and it says I have autism. On the back of the card it gives some inofrmation about what autsim is, and why he may be screaming or running etc. I dont say a word and just hand them to people. Then they can read them and who knows, I might be teaching them something. And if not, who cares.

Honey -- I am not the parent of a child with autism but I assure you I would never have even raised an eyebrow on a child's meltdown. At most, I might have tried to catch your eye and smile in sympathy...Because honestly, autism or not -- We have all had to handle a meltdown or two (or three).

I just wanted you to know that many, many people out there understand autism (or similar) without you having to say a word and I am sorry about the impatience or lack of empathy of a few.

I've just gotta say something to SLM:

Lady, that is the biggest load of crapolla I have EVER had the displeasure of reading.

Thank you.

Someone else on another post is talking about being a "flower-ho" and I'm being conscious of who has lots of flowers and then SLM gets flowers for that answer? I guess I just don't get it. Who sends flowers for that?? That was judgment, not helpfulness. Geez.

I also hate it when I have the perfect comeback long after the moment has passed. I guess it keeps me out of trouble.

My 18-year-old niece and I were shopping the other day, and I guess she was standing in the way of a woman and her son trying to walk by and she said she was sorry for being in the way and moved, and the lady said to her "SURE you are." If I had actually witnessed this, I would have gone off on the lady. What is wrong with people that they can't be nice anymore.

Sorry this happened to you but don't let her live in your head and bother you. Not worth it! Try to remember kindnesses and forget the jerks. I know it's hard. I have trouble with it too!

OMG I think this happens to all parents but I imagine you get more than your fair share.....One time I took my daughter who was a little over two to a Halloween event downtown at a local Real Estate Agent. She was dressed as Dora and we ran into one lady a few times. My daughter wasn't scared, was having a good time, had a smile on her face but was a bit reserved as she is in new situations. She even rode a pony for quite a distance with myself and one of the helpers there. (not in a circle) She is like that in new situations. On the way out this lady was behind us saying, "Oh My God! There is something wrong with that little girl! She is so DOCILE! She doesn't talk" I turned around and told the lady, There is NOTHING wrong with her she talks enough at home and neither she or I are deaf! She mumbled something in her defense. So I guess people are just not satisfied either way? Too Quiet? Making TOO much noise! Make up your mind snooty people of the world! LOL

Honestly SLM, you missed D.'s point by a mile....

She wasn't looking for a scolding here. If you have the experience you claim to have with children, you would know that with an autistic kid, sometimes they act first and think second. This little four-year old gal was simply in a state of panic over not having her toys with her. It wasn't a disclipine problem with her and D. did not need to feel like she allowed crummy behavior from her daughter.

D., hang in there. Moms with a shred of understanding wouldn't ever judge you or your sweet little girl.

E.

I applaud you for saying something at all. My 4 year old son was diagnosed PDD-NOS and have heard comments from 'he's a handfull' to "you have got to control him or no one will want to be around him" (that one was from my own mother who 'claims' to understand there are issues). My son goes to a special ed preschool and a behavioral therapist and we also work on behavior at home. I am so proud of where he has come - at one point a meltdown at home could last for an hour and now he'll get mad, have a quick meltdown and then it's settled. So, although I know he's made great strides others still judge as 'imperfect or terrible parenting.' I've, unfortunately, never said anything back (and feel ashamed later for not speaking on my sons behalf) but always wish I had. Good for you - I hope I can 'grow a pair' and stick up for me and my child as you did.

You handled it perfectly...You gave her enough information to make her feel like a clod for saying such an insensitive thing...without ranting and raving like you wanted to. Don't even dignify something like that with all that information on your situation. I applaud you for speaking up without making a huge scene. Kudos mama...she feels like a complete @$$ now (and she should)!

I think your comment was perfect. You don't owe that obnixous woman an explanation at all. I think your short response nicely put her in her place.
Well done, mom!

You handled it well! I've seen kids of all types/ages do all sorts of things in all sorts of places. Kids are unpredictable and people can be clueless!!

I have a son with a complex heart defect. The first time I took him on an airplane (he was about 15 months). I was wiping down the seats, armrests, tray tables, etc. with Lysol wipes. When he gets sick, he usually ends up in the hospital. Anyways, one lady walking down the aisle said, "Oh my God, give me a break!" It took every ounce of willpower not to go off on her!

Ignorance can be a scary thing!!! Best of Luck!!

Where some of us get off is that we are sick and tired of over indulgent parents out there who let little Johnny run amuck and carry on like nothing is happening.

That could be where the ladies were coming from.

While that was not the case with you at one point in time we have all encountered the little Johnny's of the world and their parents. While we may forgive little Johnny we'd like to put his parents over our knee and give them a good spanking.

And that, dear mama's, is the other side of the coin.

D., it sounds like you're doing a great job.

Sorry the ladies were seemingly unkind to you. I admit wholeheartedly there are times when I find it difficult to be tolerant of a seemingly undisciplined child. But there you go, that's the truth of the matter. And yes, I may have very well forgotten my own being unruly due to my dotage.

My son is "challenging" to say the least. I have had more then one occasion where he is having a TOTAL meltdown in public, screaming, hitting me, flailing on the floor etc. And I have had the rude, unkind people flash me dirty looks and comments. And it does hurt and offend. The last episode we had i bawled my eyes out the whole way home.
What makes me the maddest, AND saddest is that anyone who is a parent of any kind of child should be sympathetic. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world! And I applaud you that you are taking your childs diagnosis with such stride, grace and pride. Don't let these unkowing and Im sorry somewhat ignorant people get you down. Even if your daughter wasnt autistic you can bet you'd be having similiar episodes. Kids can be downright maniacs lol.
Take it with a grain of salt, and just pride yourself of the fact that you are patient kind mother, and not everyone out there culd do what you are doing as a parent! My best wishes to you and your little girl :)
WOW after reading SLM's post.....lol Apparently you must be the child whisperer. If you have the answer to "training" all children, please share your wealth of knowledge. Write a book/how to guide. You'd make millions.
Seriously. Kids arent puppies that can be 'trained" that easily

I know your question is old, but I used to work with special needs kids and adults, and take them on shopping trips. Often we had public meltdowns, but often people stared just because they could tell the people we were with were different. In my opinion, rushing your daughter out of the store and then home to hide her melt down would have been a mistake. Your daughter has every right to go to the store and throw a tantrum. A movie theater or church is a different kind of place, for example, where it would be okay for people to give you the stink eye if she was screaming for a long time, for example, but still, everyone has rights to be out in public. It used to be that if a parent had a kid with special needs, the doctors would recommend that they place their kid in a mental hospital for life. Some people are still not used to accepting someone with a handicap as having the same rights.

FWIW, I have had people make extremely rude comments to me in the grocery store when my toddlers were having meltdowns because I wasn't taking them out. I didn't want to abandon my full cart of groceries and take my kid home just because they were being loud. I was trying to teach my kids that tantruming in the store is never rewarded and they have to stay and shop and not get whatever they are screaming about. But other people seem to think that they were allowed to scold me for not having robotic children!

You know what...I've seen non-autistic 4 year olds have meltdowns for less then that!! I think your response of, "She is autistic and she can't help herself," is good enough. Anything more then that and you contribute to the scene the jerk person causes.

I am so sorry that happened to you. I don't know why women love to judge other mom's, but they sure do! ALL kids throw tantrums from time to time. No kid is perfect. SLM may be lucky enough to have perfect kids in her care, but most of us have kids who throw a tantrum from time to time. Such is life. When I see a kid having a tantrum in public, I give the mom a sympathetic smile and move on. I don't judge the poor woman, and I would never think she needs to get better control over her child. The most well behaved child is still going to have an off day sometimes.

I wish as a society, us mom's could support each other more. Judgement and snide comments do NO good. For some reason some mom's think they can do a better job than the rest of us.

Forget that woman. She was the one with the problem, not you. Good luck to you and your kids.

I'm responding late to this question, but you responded the way any parent would when someone comments about their child. Don't beat yourself up. Furthermore, that woman should have kept her comments to herself.

In grad school, I babysat for a 10 yr old with Autism- not the "quirky kid", the "classic Autism" profile. I adored him- still do. We went for a walk in Colonial Williamsburg (where we lived) and one of the character actors said something in period dialect to him and when he didn't respond (off-script interaction) he told me that my brother was rude. Well... my response was, "Actually, he's not rude. He's Autistic and he didn't know that you were talking to him". He apologized and we kept walking, but I hope that the man learned a little lesson there. Similar thing happened when I took him for ice cream one day, but the woman who tried to talk with him immediately realized that he wasn't registering her question and asked me to help her talk to him.

You don't have to justify or explain- some people get it and some simply don't.

People are perfect parents until they have kids. Or if their kids are grown, they have amnesia and don't remember a thing. That makes me mad too but I usually don't hear comments. My teen daughter is the one who points out all the rude things people say. I'm so busy, that I just don't pay attention to those around me. I usually have a screaming child with me because for some reason, my boys have zero tolerance for shopping. But my daughter will usually let me know what comments were made or dirty looks etc. LOL We can never think of comments fast enough, huh? But make no mistake, if they don't have kids yet, their day is sure to come! I wish you the best with your precious daughter! You're an awesome mom!

added~ I rest my case...LOL That one comment was about other people's children. Amnesia at it's best...LOL

I think you handled this beautifully! Some people just cant' keep their mouths shut, possibly even thinking they are being helpful. When my friend's daughter 1st brt her autistic son to Sunday School, the teacher told her at the end that she sure didn't need to deal with him that day! My friend told her something very wise: "Not everyone's going to love him like we do". Turns out the regular teacher called in sick and this lady, who'd been home for 2 days w/a migraine, came in out of the goodness of her heart. She had never dealt with an autistic child before and actually grew to be a friend to him and his mama over time. People have their own issues but they're not yours, and I'd like to see how they'd deal with what you deal with every day, as you said. You have the love and grace to deal with your sweet daughter - others don't. Just keep doing what you're doing. She's blessed to have you for her mom!

I have an 8 year old with Down Syndrome/deaf who melts down. I probably don't get as many rude comments as you because people can SEE that he has it. That's the benefit I guess of his condition. I saw a tshirt once that said "I have Autism... what's your excuse?" I'd probably say that. No, it may not be nice to say that to someone who's obviously clueless but I think it's that sort of thing that may just give them a wake up call and prevent someone else from having to endure such ignorance and judgement. People have no idea unless they've raised a special needs child themselves how much cojones it takes.

I agree w/ the other poster short and brief response the person and maybe even add a little zinger (which I would have to do!!) ... "and being judgmental toward someone you know nothing about is a bad habit YOU may want to work on" .....

Updated

I agree w/ the other poster short and brief response the person and maybe even add a little zinger (which I would have to do!!) ... "and being judgmental toward someone you know nothing about is a bad habit YOU may want to work on" .....

I know this is late, but I just wanted to say that, although it may not feel like it, you probably taught those women a valuable lesson. I'm thinking they will be less likely to make hurtful comments like that again. You probably just saved another mother and child some grief! You can feel good about that!

When you get the looks just ignore them, they know not what is going on. Whenever I see a tantrum in the store I just think how lucky I am to not be in those shoes and move on. Just smile, don't feel the need to explain a hysterical answer to a nosy busy body.

I think your response was perfectly appropriate.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with situations like that, but as you mentioned, it probably won't be the last time. Some people are just completely tactless, and feel like they can spout their uneducated opinions, loudly, for everyone to hear. I'm assuming they think they are speaking for the masses, but in reality they are just being ignorant. I think what you said was perfect in this situation, because it was just enough to put the lady in her place and I really hope she felt like a jacka**. I know you feel the need to explain yourself and your daughter further, I'm the same way with always giving too much of the story to complete strangers. But really, you don't need to and shouldn't have to do that. People like that aren't worth the time and energy it would take to do that and probably wouldn't learn anything from it anyway. I don't have an autistic child, but I feel for you. Hugs!

WOW - I am really sorry that happened to you. I don't have a special needs child, but I can tell you that every child has a melt down now and again. Obviously that person does not have a child. Those are always the people who know how to parent the best. I remember of friend of mine making a comment about her brothers kid throwing a fit.....and how her kids will never do that....of course she didn't have any kids yet. Needless to say, her kids are not perfect, and I have personally witnessed a few of their fits that she thought would "never happen"! There are always going to be judgemental people out there who have no idea what they are talking about. Just ignore them!!

I haven't read the comments you received so far, but this is the conversation that I had with a friend with an autistic child. He was probably about 5 or 6 years old and we were at the zoo. It was time to leave the playground and he was having a very hard time with the transition. My friend had forgotten to bring along a "distractor" (a small toy or treat) that she knew she usually needed in similar situations. It came to she and her sister having to pick him up and place him kicking and screaming in the wagon we had for us to get him to go. She felt completely embarrassed and was upset over 1 - what people must think of her as a parent and 2- what people were thinking of her child.

My thoughts on it were this. I know that you don't want anyone to think bad things about your child, but if they do that is their problem. You are NEVER going to see those people again. The people that matter and that love you know that you are a god parent and that your son has special needs. It doesn't make him "bad" it just means that he needs a different approach to certain things. If someone can't understand that (or just doesn't get that , really, EVERY kid has a bad day once in a while) then they need to adjust their own thinking.

You need to learn to pick your battles. It sounds like the woman making the comments really needs to learn some manners of her own before she makes comments about a 4 year old! If you get similar comments often, you could have a pamphlet or a card to hand to people about autism. That would both "put them in their place" and help to educate them. Hopefully....

I have seen people who have kids having tantrums. I usually try to let them know that I too have been there and it will get better.
Just the other day a 13 year old boy dropped a toy adn broke it. The mom was mortified and sent him to the register, she was so embarrased with me standing right there. I just smiled and said one day he will graduate and go to college, then he will get married and have babies of his own and that is when we get payback.
Good luck to you and ignore the ugly people of the world.

Well for those who will judge, I just smile and shake my head because they really have no clue. I did once have an issue at a store when my daughter started playing with a pillow in the store. It was one of those mushy little pillows and she was mushing it quietly not causing a ruckus and I was actually going to buy it for her when she found the one she wanted. Well I was at the register and the young lady behind the counter yells accross the store PUT THE TOY DOWN STOP PLAYING. I put down all the objects I was planning to purchase and told the manager you have lost a customer. There are many people who are out there who do not have kids that feel they know everything that is going on and they should comment. Really they are clueless. I've not shopped at Bed Bath and Beyond since.

I think the problem is diagnoses like autism. Alot of children have difficulty with what I call emotional regulation and 40 hours of therapy and social skills training doesn't seem to make a difference. Kids will outgrow it when they outgrow it. You do NOT have to explain yourself to onlookers. especially rude ones.

don't sweat it. My 3.5 year old son has had some major meltdowns in public lately. Major. I wish people would offer to lend a hand instead of stand there and gawk, stare, and judge.

People are to quick to judge.I do not have a child that is autistic but iI could only imagine how hard it could be to have people make comments not knowing your child.Some people would rather say things that are rude instead of minding their own buisness.

D., I'm sorry that woman had to be so unkind. She's just ignorant and seems to have difficulty controlling her tongue or understanding that there maybe more than on perspective or truth to any given situation. Maybe she's a little bit aspie herself, who knows? (LOL!)

Just ignore rude people like that. They really don't have the experience that we have so of course they are going to form judgments based upon their own limited experience. As frustrating as this person may (and all the others like her), you can't afford to hold on to your anger and frustration over her remark because it will do you no good (stored up anger and frustration lowers your immunity and may lead to cancer) or your son no good (hard to be a good mother when you are holding onto negative feelings or are sick).

I know that "letting it go" is easier said than done but it is possible. Just realize that while you are blessed with your angel of a daughter, this woman has issues of ignorance and diarrhea of the mouth that she still needs to work through. Given the choice I'd rather be you. ;-)

This is the unfortunate burden we share when our child is not "typical." I have found that even family members who don't see your child often don't "get it." Just this past summer, my aunt's mother, who is always there at family parties said to my 16 year old (she had meningitis as an infant and due to seizures at the time, has comprehension difficulties) "You're 16! You should know better!" Here the poor kid is very well-behaved but still her maturity level in many regards is perhaps 3-4 years behind her peers yet on the other hand, at least I don't have to deal with her sneaking out of the house like a few others I know have dealt with.

The very best of luck to you through the years while dealing with all the ignorance you are certain to encounter.

I have an 8 year old daughter who has Autism and I say the same thing although most people have no clue what Autism is so half the time you might as well not say anything. You shouldn't have to explain your child but some people are really ignorant!

She should have kept her mouth shut. We don't always know everyone's situations.
To be honest, it drives me nuts when children act up in stores. Most of the time I notice it is the parents not paying attention to their kids and not caring. Sorry, but I have to speak the truth.
I would never say anything like that to someone, because you just don't know who you could be speaking to. But at least you spoke up to her. She was rude to have said something.

I'm glad you didn't give your bitter tirade to the lady in the store. Yes she was out of line to say stuff like that out loud in public, but returning the favor is downright childish. You've got to be the bigger person.

What you did say was good, however be careful of your tone. You were trying to return the punch with another punch (with your tone), but what you don't realize is that responding sweetly that your child is autistic and can't control her emotions, and maybe how proud you are of how far she's come with her current therapy - is enough to put the lady in her place. Remember if you respond with in the same manner as she did, it will NOT make a good impression, she'll just write you off as irritable and rude - why no wonder the child is like that... Your best option to make a LASTING IMPRESSION is to be educational instead. I know this is HARD to do, but you'll be more bang for your buck in the long run.

Many people are ignorant of the challenges that parents of autistic kids face. It looks like the parents are allowing the child to misbehave. And lets face it, misbehaving kids are no fun to be around. There are plenty of parents who refuse to be parents and discipline their kids, and many people just are sick of seeing unruly kids! I'm proud of you for doing what it takes to help her overcome her autistic social challenges, some people just give up and say their kid can't do better.

Best wishes, i know its hard to feel "judged".

I do not have autistic kids but when I was a teen my older cousin (whom I lived with) had a baby with a very rare disease called Goldenheirs...basically it means that her eye lids didn't form, the corners of her mouth didn't form and she had skin tags all around her face...

One day we were in line at Target and my cousin forgot something and ran to go get it...I was holding Kelsey (the baby) and the Rude Bi*ch behind me took one look at Kelsey and proceeded to wax on about how "that's what happens when sleezy teenage girls have babies"!! I was SO upset but didn't say anything to her nor my cousin when she got back, I just knew it would have pissed off my cousin something fierce!

People can be so rude! I say just try to let it go and chalk it up to ignorance!

Kudos for being a great Momma!

It is so unfair, but you handled it beautifully. I would probably have snapped something nasty to her. You should give yourself kudos for having the clear mind to be able to come up with a kind and informative response. Usually when my kids had a temper tantrum I felt like having one right next to them!
We know a 4 year old who is incredibly tall for his age and when we are out in a group there are often stares and comments about a big boy acting like that. He really is only 4 but he looks 6 or 7. Another girl we know is also very tall and big for her age and kids play rough with her and expect that she is a tomboy when in reality she is this ultimate girlie girl.
I am beat and exhausted at the end of the day with two healthy daughters who wear me out. I hope you have lots of support and help to make sure you yourself stay strong and healthy. Consider yourself hugged, mama.

I think you handled the situation perfectly! Even before I had my daughter, I symapthized with a parent whose kid(s) were acting up in public because I knew I would probably be there myself one day. Low and behold, I have been and it's not fun...but they are kids. I once even gave a girl "the look" because she made a face at my daughter's fussing at the checkout counter, lol. It has to be especially frustrating for you because your daughter is autistic, but please know this..not everyone judges a parent for a kid's meltdown and if they do, well they probably haven't been in your shoes before.

BTDT. Just ignore. Hopefully by ten, you and your daughter will have
figured out strategies to prevent a meltdown. One day at a time. Good
luck.

I say, "Don't you wish you could get away with that? Autism right? Why couldn't we all have it?" Ok, mine is actually Adhd but really you can fill it in with nearly anything.