Who Is Right and Wrong Here?

You did the absolute right thing. You weren't rude, just assertive. Society is so sensitive and easily offended by assertiveness these days. She overstepped a boundary, and you told her. Period. You did the right thing, and I applaud you for not letting this rude, pushy woman walk over you!

You did the right thing. You ignored her the first time and she didn't butt out. She butted in again. I understand wanting to be helpful, but if you're having speech evaluations, I would assume that a speech teacher would recognize when there is something outside their area and recommend you talk to someone.

This woman should have just backed off. This is the second time she went on about the autisim. Sounds as if though you were just asking her to butt out.

I think you were in the right. She was the one being nosy and interjecting into a conversation where she wasn't invited. Maybe you could have said it a little more nicely, but whatever. Don't beat yourself up over it.

Besides, who thinks they can diagnose autism over something so simple as a speech development problem??

tell that woman you thinks she's autistic. What is her problem? Oh she's lucky not to know me....

I would have done what you did....except I would have left out the "thank you for your concern" part....and I probably would have questioned her credentials in child development....and asked her how she could possibly be mobile with a nose so long she most likely trips on it with every step!

Why in the world would someone say something like this to you? Seriously... you had your daughter evaluated by a professional. If that person feels that your daughter needs to see a specialist, they will tell you in a very direct manner.

I am a hot-head, so I would have responded similarly. In fact, I have. People like this talk just for the sake of it without thinking about how hurtful and unnecessarily alarming they are. Sometimes a little "reality check" is a good thing!

**Good for you for getting the language evaluation! You will be surprised by how quickly early intervention speech therapy can work!**

i don't think there is a right or wrong. less confrontational people will ignore, belligerent ones would have been much ruder than you were. your husband is obviously more of a pacifist than you.
personally i think you handled it just fine. but ignoring her would have been a fine option too. people handle things according to their unique personalities.
khairete
S.

Having a conversation in a public place like that is sort of an invitation to invite everyone into the discussion. Autism is on the rise due to dietary deficiencies and environmental issues, and a lot of people do ignore it. This woman may be reacting to that, but she's also diagnosing a problem she may not have any experience with so it comes off as nosy and intrusive. That may be what made you snap. Plus it sounds like she goes on and on, and did so on 2 occasions.

In the future, you could probably soften the blow since you have to see her every week. You could say you will bring it up at the next appointment rather than just say the therapist didn't say anything. Then you can say that it was discussed but that your daughter has none of the indicators. I realize you said that the first time, but this woman took it as your opinion rather than an expert opinion. Sometimes a softer approach actually has more impact - like just looking at her and not saying anything. Or quietly adding, "Thank you. I'll consider it." If she goes on, just repeat the same words. I understand your husband's point of view but it sounds like ignoring her didn't work on either occasion.

She may have a legitimate concern because there is autism in her family or with a friend, and maybe people were ignoring the symptoms. So she goes overboard. You COULD, if you so choose, say, "You are right that autism is serious and often overlooked. However, I DID discuss this with the experts and it does not apply to my daughter."

Or, maybe she's an overbearing know-it-all!! Next time, I would talk to the teacher privately, and I would change the subject off of autism and say "Let's talk about something else."

Your nicer than me, because I would have nipped Miss stupid in bud the first time she opened her big mouth. You DO NOT say things like that to people. Its not right.

I would've asked her if she was a Dr and if this was her specialty. If not, then please don't push your ideas on me.

I think you handled it right. I would've spoken up much sooner - as I'm pretty upfront about my feelings. No filter between my brain and my tongue.

It seems like our society wants to "label" our children with titles and problems instead of just letting them be. I am all for correcting speech problems/delays, etc. but I'm not out for "labeling" them for each and every problem.

If this W. approaches you again, simply tell her - I appreciate your concern. If you are not a doctor and this is NOT your specialty - please do NOT give me your opinions, hypothesis, armchair diagnosis. If and when I want your opinion, I will be sure to ask you. Thank you!"

I think that you tried to ignore her...it didn't work. I think that you handled it beautifully...I might have been much nastier!!!

Yay-so glad that you said that to her-she deserved it!!! Don't feel a bit bad. Your husband is the one who should feel bad...sometimes confrontation IS necessary and the right thing to do.

I agree with you. Unless that lady is a speech therapist,doctor or any type of therapist she has no reason to say that. She needs to be more sensitive and mind her own business. It to me is like someone who says when is the baby due when you are not pregnant. If they are not sure of something then they need to mind their business. I do not think the lady will pipe in any longer in converstions which are not her business.

I think you did the right thing. She butted in on a conversation that was none of her business to offer her advice after having been given what most people would consider a pretty clear message to butt out.

I think you were right to just ignore her the first time but some people just doesn't get it, she sounds like one of them.
I would have done the same thing, and if she would say something else another day I would have say that she is OCD and she is the one that should get some help.

I say good for you, I also suggest in the future, you schedule time alone, email or send the teacher a note.

Teacher needs to be able to focus on the children the entire time. If every parent were to stop her and have these conversations.. who is watching the kids.

At no point should any other parent be privy to your daughters needs.

You go mama bear! you did the right thing

Good for you! I think you did the right thing! How can some other mom who doesn't know your daughter at all say these things to you?

LOL, This is what I would have done so of course you are in the right ;-). Kidding aside, I think sometimes we need to act sooner, before it gets to this level. If you had said the first time, "Thank you for your concern, but I'd like to have a private conversation with the teacher" of something to that affect. Sounds like you were in a conversation that involved other parents though, maybe next time talk to the teacher one on one or only when there are those people you don't mind adding their 2 cents.

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She should have butted out especially after you had previously told her that she doesn't have any symptoms. Could you have worded it better, sure but she was more wrong than you were. She could have been well intended but sometimes people overstep.

I have also found that some people who have had a personal experience with something are a lot more sensitive to it and tend to think they see it in everyone.

I am torn, really I do not think anyone was right or wrong here. Many people think that autism is the new add/adhd everyone who displays one or two of the more public signs say ... Oh it's autism just like people would say that kids who were hyper or needed help with focus were automatically add/adhd. True, it is a sign and you should look into it for add/adhd but speech delays are coupled with TONS of other things. I would suggest if you have not had it done to have a formal evaluation by a developmental therepist just to make sure she is on track in other places. Many kids with a speech delay or other delays are coupled with some other delay somewhere and it is beneficial to have her checked out. In my world, the more evaluations and opinions the better... sometimes it is stressful because things conflict but sometimes thru those conflicts better understanding comes. My son has many "issues" that we are working with and honestly frequent evaluations are helpful because things that we were dealing with at 2 are no longer an issue BECAUSE we now know what they are and are able to work thru them. So long story short, I had someone tell me because my son was speech delayed he was autistic ...turns out he has some other issues that I may not have paid attention to if I did not have that moment. I wanted to know what she sees that I didnt and as much as I still do not like her for it I appreciate it.

Oh, everybody's an expert! Always have been. Always will be.

When my babies were babies, we had a wonderful doctor who said, "Everybody is going to tell you how to raise your children and what is wrong with them! Smile and say thank you, and then call me up and I'll tell you what really to do." That got me through dozens of those "experts."

It's the kibbitzer who chimed in about the autism, right? Not the teacher? Good. Anyhow, next time you talk to the speech therapist, mention that someone is bugging you about autism. Let the therapist give you some input. That way you'll have even more information. You might share that information with the teacher - privately! - in case this happens again. Then the teacher will be able to deal with that mother if she wants to.

And... yes, you were rude. So was that mama who was being the "expert." There are better - and much more effective! - ways to respond to rudeness than with rudeness.

I haven't read the other responses but seems to me that you were not talking to her much less asking her advice. Unless she had MD behind her name or has a child with Autism she should not have piped in and if she did have some first hand experience she should have talked to you in private at a different time.

I dont normally react and usually stay calm in social situation..but how else could you of handled it??? Although the other women probably was just trying to be helpful. I think you were gracious the first 2 times she said something to you. Dont apolize to her. Dont explain your actions.

My husband would of reacted the same way.. She deserved it.

YEAH!! I wish more of us would respond to these idiots this way. Maybe then they would keep their unwanted opinions to themselves.

I wish parental education about autism, add, and such included a warning to parents like this: "It is common for parents to feel badly when hearing this diagnosis. Of course you don't want to feel different, but do not go labeling others' kids because you are no expert. Also, there are plenty who have it. You won't have to look far to find someone else in your shoes so there is no reason to try and convince other parents their kids have it so yours is not the only one."

It sounds like you are doing everything to help your daughter that she needs. I would not have been so sweet and understanding in my reply as you. Kudos for being able to bite your tongue. These days, everyone is an expert on everything, and some people just don't know when/how to shut their mouths. You handled this perfectly, IMO.

Right on Mama! My favorite response to this sort of thing is "Oh, I didn't realize you were a (insert specialist type here)"

I would have responded the same way as you did. Good job! Next time she feels compelled to say something, ask her what credentials she has that qualifies her to be an expert in autism. It may be the tape you need that seals her mouth shut. I HATE when people who are not experts feel the need to interject their personal advice....when you never asked for it. I had this happen to me one time and I responded just like you did.

You did the right thing. The other mother was not going to stop and would have continued with this conversation. You were getting very annoyed and she didn't take the hint to back off. So you let her know to back off in no uncertain terms. It might be the first time someone told her out right to leave the conversation that she was not invited to join in.

I think your husband was amazed at how quickly you responded to her as how he answered.

Don't apologize to her just stand your ground.

the other S.

i think your gut is probably right. my child is speech delayed and not autistic but is hearing impaired. just cause mines hearing impaired doesnt mean yours is. :) i think she is well meaning but did it wrong. and i also think your doc needs to decide this

This woman might be affected by austism in her family and maybe that child's main sign was speech delay. She may think she was helping you by mentioning it....although she didn't express herself well.
Still, I probably wouldn't have kept my mouth shut.

She was rude - once she continued to lecture you, not for mentioning her opinion - and wouldn't listen to your kindly worded "stop it". So you were within your rights to nip it in the bud.

Having said that... it may not hurt to have your child evaluated - especially since Autism now has a much wider spectrum and those who wouldn't fall in it 5-10 years ago would now.

HAHA !!! Woohoo !!! I love it. You were and still are so very very very right !!! This woman had no place to offer anything but a good day to you. BTW you are a better woman than I am ...I would have told her to shut up. Hubby....be very proud of your wife. You picked a good one.

She may have gone about it the wrong way but she showed that she cares about your daughter. My granddaughteris autistic and my daughter has become an expert because of the research she has done and by talking with the theapists who work with my grandaughter. This lady may have some valuable information for you, take her aside and ask why she thinks maybe your daughter is austistic. Ask her to not blurt out, in front of others what her opinion is, but to talk to you privately.

Good for you. The nerve of some people!

You are 100% in the right. You handled it well. This world has become way to sensitive and people are too scared to voice their dislikes. You go girl! Thank god there are still people willing to stand up for themselves and their children.

I'm sure that that mom thought she was being helpful, but she isn't an expert! While your husband may have been mortified, you would have been thinking about that woman for a week and she wouldn't have 'learned' that you don't just go around telling people what you think if you don't know them or their situation.

You weren't impolite to her- you just told her, in the nicest way you could at the time, that she didn't know anything about the situation and she should just butt out!

Well done to you. Whatever is wrong w/ that woman? You already had ignored her.
If you want to talk to the teacher w/o being bothered I guess you have to get away fr this woman.
The woman was rude, very rude.
best, k

Good for you! I'm so glad she finally got her come-uppance. I prob wudda snapped too. I can take just so much of someone 'sticking their nose in' (so to speak) where it don't belong. I have a TON of relatives that do the same thing & we just either try to ignore them or just say 'uh yeah, uh huh' & go back to the conversation w/the other person. I also might turn to the rude person & say something like "Thank you for your interest, I'll keep that in mind..." & walk away. Or if I'm just in a sarcastic mood after so long of them going on & on about something, like in your case, maybe something like "OH?? I didn't realize you were a medical expert, where did you get your medical degree??" & If they say "I'm not a doctor" then I'd say something like "Then I'll thank you to keep your opinions to yourself". I have a cousin that is a first time mom & she's getting the same treatment so I can understand how you feel. Everyone who's had kids seems to think they're more of an expert than you. Next time, you may just want to turn & either walk away or just simply say to the interuppting mom, "Excuse me, we're having a private conversation that doesn't concern you & just stare at them til they leave". If they don't leave, then say to the teacher, is there any place we can speak more privately?? & leave it at that. Hope this helps! Good luck!

Good for you! That mom has no manners. I experience things like this all the time. My kids have Type 1 diabetes and all the "experts" are quite vocal, even though they have no idea what they are talking about.
Often, those people don't care SQUAT about your child, they just want to listen to themselves talk!

Good for you!! I hope the other woman's husband was just as mortified that she was being so pushy and giving advice that was not asked for or wanted.

you know what they say, opinions are like @#!*!@'s, everyone has one...I wouldn't give it another thought....If you see her again, just tell her that you are open to opinions, however, let her know that she is only stressing you out and you can handle it on your own...I try to avoid the other moms at school, and do a pretty good job of it...Why was she standing there listening in the first place, isn't that supposed to be a private conversation with the teacher...

no cause she would have kept jumping in the conversations. You were nice enough, that busy body needed a firm butt out.

Sounds like that other mom went over the line trying to diagnose your kid without even knowing much about her, your response was appropriate and could help that other woman become more aware of her excessive zeal and misunderstanding about autism.

We are all different, therefore we respond to ignorance differently. You handled it the way you saw fit. It really was none of her business. I do not like know-it-alls. By the way, you were kind. :o)

My son is high-functioning Autistic and I have to apologize for her behavior. sometimes people get the I have done it, I know it all attitude. Every child in the spectrum is different. And many do have speech delays but it sounds like this lady just couldn't mind her own business. I think you were right to go off, I understand how your husband feels but he probably does not have to see this woman on a daily basis. Good luck with the situation.

Spot on response!!! I would have said the same thing! What a nosey lady! I don't give out advice to other moms unless asked - and not to strangers!!!

Ok, first comment, I probably would have ignored. To continue prattling on about it (and not notice that you were obviously rattled by the comment) is insensitive and ignorant. Fine. To go a step beyond that and spread an unconfirmed rumor about my child is not ok at all.

I would have said something exactly like what you said - how lucky for you that she heard! That spares the awkwardness of having to say it to her face - LOL.