Where Do I Draw the Line?

Is he working at all while he's going to school? Are you paying for his school? It seems like he can also work while going to school. He's not 18 and as you said, this is his second degree.

I continue to be amazed that there are so many women out there who are working and raising kids and allowing their men to "follow their dreams," or quit their full time job because its "too stressful." I just can't help wondering how men became our other children. I'd just love to quit my job and become an actress or an artist. I've always wanted to do that, but I know realistically that I can't do that and be a responsible mother at the same time. So, I work a job that I know isn't my passion but it pays the bills and provides great health insurance. Meanwhile I feed my true passion by painting in my spare time and community theater. This is practical. A keyword that many men seem to be missing here. Yes its wonderful to support his dreams but meanwhile there are real-life issues that also need to be taken care of.

Since you're living together and already have a child together it seems to me that the marriage is technically already taking place. Sealing the deal with a marriage certificate and a ceremony is all you have left to do.

Have you researched what kind of salary you can expect for a head coach in wrestling? Realistically, can he expect to be hired somewhere once he gets his degree? Will he probably have to start out as an assitant coach? Are there a plentitude of these types of jobs available? Typically a coach works at the school as a teacher as well so I gather he's at least working towards his certificate in education? At any rate, depending upon how much you make and how much he may make, it may not even be feasible for you to quit your job. But at least your husband will have been able to follow his dream.

Also, have you tried sitting down and asking "How do you feel about me quitting my job once you get yours?" Wait for an answer and really talk about it. Don't just say off the cuff, "you know, since I'm sacrificing alot here, I expect that I get to quit my job once you start working." You probably won't get a response to that. That will just register as "nagging" and go in one ear and out the other. I would ask him specifically how he feels about that.

Also, sit down and tell him how you feel about his treatment of your daughter. He doesn't necessarily have to play Barbies with her but he should be talking to her, asking her questions, telling her jokes, anything that shows attention.

I hope not to offend you with my response but you asked for an answer. In my opinion, if you have already "made it known" that you don't want to work full time if at all then he knows already - back off. I can tell you if you continually nag him about money and not wanting to work he will eventually not want to support you at all. Also, you're not the only one he'll be supporting-what about himself and the children? That makes 4 people, not just 2. Do you realistically think he'll make enough money to make a mortgage payment, pay all the monthly bills, 1 or 2 cars (payments, insurance, gas, upkeep etc.), doctor's visits, groceries, clothes and school supplies for the family - nevermind your personal needs - hair, mother's day out, or random purchases? What about future children? That's even more responsibility. Sometimes it's just not feasible to have only one "bread winner." But if he is willing to make a go of it once he graduates, the least you could do is support him/the family for the couple of years it takes for him to do that.

Marriages last because of the commitment, dedication and compromise on BOTH sides. I make over double what my hubby makes and have never once held that against him. I know that at this time I am being the best mommy/wife I can be by working and bringing in the money it takes to make a successful family life for all of us. He pays for what he can and I appreciate and respect that. I wouldn't be willing to pick up and leave him if he made even less. A strong father and family figure is far more important than any monetary earning. If you're willing to leave this man because he can't support you while you don't work, you're setting yourself up for a fall. If both of you need to work to make a healthy and happy home environment for your children, so be it. The days of women expecting men to be the total family supporter are gone. Many times, it just takes 2, period.

As far as your daughter is concerned, talk to him about your feelings. Being a step-parent is just as hard as being a step-child sometimes, especially opposite sexes. I agree with the others and say set aside some alone time for the two of them. Furthermore, set aside some family time where the 3 of you can interact (game night, movie and popcorn night, etc.) Keep him in the loop of your feelings about their future relationship and how important it is to your daughter and yourself. It may take time but if you plan on marrying him, you'll have plenty of that. Good luck!

I think all you can do is sit down with him and explain your concerns. I have been with my husband for 8 years and married for 6 of those and we have learned together that if I don't express my feelings and concerns about things he can not address them. Communication is key in any relationship and maybe you should consider doing some premarital counselling to get some things out in the open and talk about expectations of each other for the future. As far as his relationship with your daughter maybe they can set aside some time for them to go out and do their own thing that they can both enjoy. Maybe it is going to the park or just taking her to get ice cream once a week, just something to make her feel special to him without him having to feel like he has to do girly things to relate to her. All kids love ice cream!!!

As a mother your first priority is to your children. It is essential that they know they are loved by the people in their lives, especially by a father figure. If you do intend to marry this man, and he has the same intentions, then explain to him that you feel is not showing enough love to your daughter, discuss with him why it is, it's not just that he doesn't know how to play with her, this might be a deeper "she's not really mine" kind of an issue. Also, it doesn't seem like he really knows that you expect him to make as much money as you are making now. He needs to be told exactly what your expectations are for him and your relationship. That being said, a successful relationship should be entered into knowing that compromise will be necessary from both partners many times.

I think if you can not tell him exactly what you want, there is a problem. If you have to make empty threats, he won't change. Men have a way of never changing. You just can't change who a person is. If he is uncomfortable playing with your daughter, you aren't going to change that. Is your daughter going to change to make him more comfortable? Probably not. If you are not happy with the entire situation, you need to sit down and talk with him about everything in your plan. If he is not on the same page, it would be best for you and your daughter (no matter how painful it would be) to leave. My sister got into a marriage that needed counseling before the wedding (he swore he would change). 5 years and a daughter later, she found out he had embezled all their money and had been cheating, doing drugs and pretending to work for years. Now things are really messy with the child and new husband. Bottom line is people don't change. If you have children with this man will he treat his children different than yours? Do you want that?

Never settle...you are worth more than that!
Good Luck!

I think it is GREAT that you want to stay home and take care of your children. In my opinion, that is what moms should do. It is NOT irresponsible. What is irresponsible, however, is staying with a man who will not meet your needs. You cannot change a man, and since it does sound like you have made your wishes known, there is not much more to do besides wait and see if he comes through. I have to say it doesn't sound likely (based on your comments).

I am more concerned by your feeling that he does not treat your daughter the same as the son you have together. That can be very damaging for a little girl, and she may end up seeking the attentions of older men as a teenager. That never turns out well. You can't change him on this, either, though, so he may not be the guy for you. You are right: empty threats are useless. You need to decide what you really want and then act accordingly. It is stupid (not to be insulting) to wait and wait to expect something to change when all signs point to them not changing. And truthfully, it is better for your daughter to live just with you than to live with a stepfather-figure who does not love her and it shows.

"My question is, how do I make it known that I am serious about this, that he needs to meet my wages, or excede them. What kind of time frame can I expect for this to happen and how do I convey this without making empty threats ("I'll leave you if...") because I don't want to leave him."

I don't think you can, nor do I think this is necessarily responsible. These days, women are often the primary breadwinner.

I feel like that's kind of rude to "expect" him to make enough for you to stay home. It's a want that YOU have so YOU need to help make it possible. Start putting money aside or cutting back as much as you can. I stay home because my husband wants me to (as do I). I've never, ever told him that if he doesn't make enough, I'm going to leave or that I expect him to make "x" amount of dollars. You ask ANY man walking around that has a family (even if it's just a wife) what their biggest stress is and they WILL tell you it's worrying about providing for their family. If you approach him in the way that you said above, he WILL get defensive and tune you out. You could sit him down one night and say, "Sweetie...I know you're working really, really hard right now getting through school and I'm so glad you're doing that! Do you think it'd ever be possible for me to stay home once you get a good job and we're well established and have some money set aside in the bank?", etc. If you bring it up in a way that says, "what do YOU think?", they'll be more apt to see what you're saying because they THINK it will be their idea. Men like to think it's THEIR idea. Lol! But always remember...staying home is a privilege, not a right.

Maybe a special weekly outing with your daughter would help. They could get a Happy Meal or ice cream cone or just take a walk together. Mt step-dad had the same problems relating to me at that age but he always took me grocery shopping. I really looked forward to this. Now, he and my mom are divorced and we talk every week!