Where Can L Turn, Having a Breakdown

Cancelling Christmas isn't the answer. I also think Suz t. is onto something regarding the boyfriend.

A psychologist is a good start. Family counseling is another idea as well. I think the dynamic of the family unit is an issue and that needs to be addressed.

good luck!

When Tyler and I moved from California to Georgia, we had a lot of problems with our oldest son. So much that the police were involved. We got our son into counseling and then we did family counseling. HUGE change in the family dynamics.

Your son needs to you to be his champion. He needs you to support him. However, he needs help that you can't give him.

You need to be the parent. Not his friend. You need to listen to him as well as not talk TO him. We learned in family counseling there is a big difference between talking to and talking with. Don't talk TO him. Talk WITH him. Listen to him. Set the rules and boundaries. And follow through with consequences.

Don't cancel Christmas. That is extreme. Find out what he does care about, allowance? XBOX time? Phone time? What? Find out what makes him tick. This comes from listening. If you are too strict, you will cause him to rebel and you'll be in a bigger mess.

Tell him what you expect of him. Tell him how you expect him to behave. Tell him that it is his JOB to get good grades and work hard at school. He may not like it? But we all do things in life that we don't like. We get through it. He will too.

Get with his counselor at school. Talk with his pediatrician (WITHOUT him there) and get the help your son needs.

Personally? I would leave the boyfriend and concentrate on my son. My son needs to know he is my priority.

G.,

Given your previous questions, it sounds like you don't have a lot of support right now.
I cannot tell you what to do in regard to your son. Right now, it sounds like you need to take care of you.

Doing a brief Google search, here are some resources I've found in your area:

http://www.mhapbc.org/NeedHelpNow (hotline #-561-801-HELP (4357))

http://southcountymentalhealth.org/adult.html (they have a sliding scale fee and specialize in single parenting/parenting skills as well as other mental health care)

http://www.the-bright-side.org/site/thebrightside/content...

I want to stress this-- there is nothing wrong with calling a crisis line, just to have someone who can listen objectively and offer some empathy and advice. Many very strong people have done exactly that-- that is the definition of being strong, to me. Being strong means recognizing you need help and asking for it. I've called one of those lines when I was at the end of my own rope many, many years ago, and felt better when I got off the phone. Felt like, even though the situation was terrible, there was still hope that I would get through it.

Please, reach out. If you feel that you are having a breakdown-- and people do sometimes experience this, it's a signal that it's time for some thing to change-- get help. Find a counselor who can work with you. This is NOT all on you, but I know you feel responsible for it. Everyone has their part to be responsible for. Please, again, reach out for help. Only someone who can really talk to you can help you to know how to move through this difficult time.

And please, don't over-react to your son. Cancelling Christmas doesn't solve anything. Really, he already feels slighted, likely, by your boyfriend not giving him gifts and such. His attitude is likely compounded by that and not succeeding at school, feeling like a failure. My guess is that cancelling Christmas would feel like *even you* are thinking he's 'not worth it'. It won't be interpreted as anything other than a rejection of his person. My parents punished me nearly constantly, but I was still allowed to enjoy Christmas. Something to consider.

I agree with the family therapy, and also therapy just for you. Moms have to care for themselves before they can help their children.

I think your son may have issues with your boyfriend's seeming indifference to him. That's just what I've picked up from your posts. No doubt that's hard on you also.

Don't cancel Christmas. Your son is struggling. Could be anger issues, depression, learning issues - I'd meet with his psychologist. It has to be more than he's spoiled.

I would stop punishing and reward any good behavior you can find. Works far better with my teens. One of who went to counseling and was pretty difficult. He was finding life really hard. Sometimes depression comes out as anger or indifference. The he doesn't care thing - could be that.

Best to you

I empathize with you.

Your mental health is essential for your well being and the well being of your family. You said you're about to have a breakdown. It's past time to start taking care of yourself. It's past time for you to stop doing what isn't helping yourself and what isn't helping your son. Make an appointment with a counselor for you. The counselor can guide you into making decisions that allow you and your son to feel more successful.

You said you are taking your son to a psychologist, but what about you? I highly suggest that you find a family therapist who can meet with you and your son together, to help you communicate with each other. And you need some sessions with the therapist alone to learn new parenting strategies.

What I would NOT do is that I would not tell him that you are done trying to help him and/or cancel Christmas. He's clearly an angry kid. Considering your boyfriend's attitude towards him (from your other posts), it's not surprising that he's got some anger, and you need to work through that WITH him, because you have played a role in setting up this dynamic. A family therapist can help you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Your son feels defeated too, and his mouthing off is a typical teen reaction to that. He's not going to bond with a psychologist right away - he's going to fight both of you every step of the way. But good heavens, you don't cancel Christmas with a child who already feels like a failure - and anyway, the message is, "You don't deserve presents or holidays." That's just a further rejection.

You've put him through so many changes and now you wonder why he's not flourishing. He's adrift. He needs stability. You work with the psychologist to figure out what your child's "currency" is - what he values, what he'll work for. And you need to understand more of what he wants and needs. This is not a quick fix for anyone, certainly not someone with a learning disability.

If you fall apart and have a breakdown, you take away his safety net, which is parental stability and unconditional love. You need an education plan, a counseling plan, and a discipline plan. Please see the counselor or a colleague on your own to get your thoughts, emotions and worries under control. "Sink or swim on your own" MIGHT work with this kid - but we don't know him well enough to say. Abandoning him might trigger something in him. You need to work more with a professional.

I think you are taking a good step. If he doesn't care about anything, he could be facing depression. One of my girls went through a very rough period when she was 14. She is doing much better now. She was in a program at school where they helped her see her self worth. Unfortunately, teen/childhood depression tends to be pushed away as though it is not a real thing. Anther consideration is that he has something blocking him from excelling and learning. It could be ADHD, depression, or anything else and a psych check up could help find out what that is.
Think of it this way. You took a step to try to help him. It didn't work. So you try something else.

yes. take him to the psychologist. and take yourself too. professional help for you will get you back and then you can then help your son.. for now let the grades slide, ignore the behaviors that are getting detentions.. if he has to repeat a grade thats a consequence only he will have to deal with.. no need to stress yourself out about it.. no one wants their kid to fail a grade.. but sometimes its what the child needs to straighten up.
don't cancle christmas, downsize it if need be but don't skip it altogether.
only 2 detentions in a 6 week timespan? he is doing better than i did.. i think i was getting a detention weekly... detentions are the consequence of misbehaving in school so theres no need to further punish him at home for it. (at least not right now while you have more pressing issues you need to work on)

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry. I second that you should do family counseling. As well as one on one counseling for you and your son (My son and I did this and it was incredibly helpful.) I hope things start getting better for you and your family. I agree with the others who said you should not cancel Christmas. Tell your son that you love him and are worried about him and after Christmas your family is going to sit down and come up with a plan to try to make life better.

G., I want to offer you hope. March 2015 our son was thrown out of public school for his horrible behavior (long story). We had to send him away (another long story) but now December 2016, he's a new kid. Hang in there, love him fiercely, and turn every stone to find a solution. My best!!!

ETA: I didn't read ahead, sorry. I see I'm not the only one who has told you to drop the boyfriend. You've been together 6 years. Enough already. Put your son first.

Don't cancel Christmas. That's just too extreme.

Please seek a pyscho-therapist for your son and a family counselor for BOTH of you.

Your son knows how to play you. Stop allowing him to manipulate you. STOP trying to make him happy. Tell him how it's going to be. YOUR RULES.

Set up a meeting with his counselor and his teachers - along with him - and find out what is working and what is NOT working. Find out how your son learns best. Stop moving him around. Stop allowing him to steer the ship. YOU ARE THE PARENT! BE THE PARENT!!

My 16 year old son wants VMI or The Naval Academy. He's not going to get it if he has a 3.62 GPA right now. He's a junior. He needs to pull his head out of his behind and work HARD for what he wants. What does your son want?

I think you've changed so many things in your life you need to stop. Get back to the basics. Drop the boyfriend. You're not committed to him, right? Give your son your attention. I bet he's acting out from everything going on around him. You are sleeping with your boyfriend but telling him not to have sex - right? Hypocrite is what he sees.

Your son is in the midst of puberty. Teenage years are the hardest. Stop changing things in his life. Give him stability. ONE place. ONE school. Routine. What do you expect him to do? I don't expect straight A's - but I expect my kids to do their best.

You both need counseling. Someone who is going to listen and give advice, not just let you rant. you both need tools to cope and communicate with each other.

Good luck!

Please find some Love and Logic parenting classes to take. This will help you put the responsibility on him and off you. Also, please consider finding a boot camp or inpatient behavior facility that he can go stay in for a while, maybe even 6-12 months. Not only will this give you a break from the day to day with him it will help him break down enough to get to the root of what's going on with himself inside. He will come out different. He will hopefully come out and be much better able to appreciate things and to understand how to function.

He might also need meds and he might even have a mental health diagnosis.

Some friends of mine sent their daughter to Provo Canyon School for months. They went to visit not too many weeks after she got there. They took her out to buy some shoes. She passed the chairs by and sat down on the floor to try on shoes. They told her to get up and sit in a chair. She informed them that she had lost the right to sit in chairs because she had picked up a chair and thrown it at someone and she had to sit on the floor.

She is now a wonderful mother, takes meds for bi-polar disorder, and has an MBA. Fantastic wage earner, living a good life, married with children, excellent friend. To me, sending her to a place like that changed her life.