Loss of Family Members

M.,
You both have been through too many losses and I am sorry. I think you should both get some grief counseling. It would be healthy for both of you. If her doctor won't refer you, get a new doctor. Ask your doctor for the referral for yourself. You could also ask the guidance counselor at school to talk to Gracie. In some larger school districts they may also have a grief counselor that they can call. They may be able to make a referral for your daughter (if may depend on your insurance) for counseling. Kids are usually very resilient but talking to a trained professional may be a good way to gage the impact all these losses have made on your daughter. Please get some grief counseling.

I am sorry for your losses. My son who is 35 just started celebrating birthdays again. Every family member died with a two day span of his birthday over the years.

I just hear you talking about the losses. Is she exhibiting disturbing behavior? Is she depressed or do you think she should see someone just because. I would look into Healing Hearts. This is a group for kids who have experienced loss. I think that would be better then a counselor.

If she is happy and doing well, don't look for trouble that is not there. Little kids cope much better then adults.

I think you've both been through a lot.
But you are totally focusing on how it may have affected your daughter and I'm not seeing where you have seen a doctor for your own stress / PTSD.
It's possible this has affected you more than your daughter.
You might be projecting this onto your daughter.
Yeah your heart might break when your daughter asks a question - but did you answer her?
"I hope that doesn't happen but if there is an emergency then call 911 and call me.".
You've been traumatized - accept it - and then do something about it.
That's the best way to help your daughter for right now.
She needs you to be a functioning adult so she can be a child.
Kids are often more resilient than we think they are.

I am so sorry for all both of you have been through. One great thing about kids though is that they are amazingly resilient. These events do not have to define your daughter if you don't let them define her. I see the three doctors point, don't go looking for problems. If she is well adjusted otherwise and you keep the lines of communication open, deal with things as the arise. There are some really crappy counselors out there that can make a situation worse by having your daughter talk about and focus on the bad things that have happened in her life. That is really not a place I would want to go with my kids.
I encourage you to get counseling if you think you need it but honestly I think if you are okay, your dauhpghter will be too.
Re: the ADHD unless you know you want to medicate your daughter because she is not able to function, I would skip getting a diagnosis. I am sure many will disagree with me but that is what I believe.

Edit. - when my son died, my son's pediatrician strongly advices us to get grief counseling. We went to a counselor that specialized in helping families that experienced early infant death. That counselor nearly destroyed my marriage. Going into counseling, I would have told you I had a great marriage. After a few weeks seeing her I felt like we were struggling as a couple. I soon realized the only thing that changed in my marriage was where she was putting the focus. We stopped seeing her and took the $125 per week we were paying her and had some great date nights that helped bring some joy back into our lives. Our marriage has been great since.

I am so sorry for all of your losses -- yours and your little girl's! Your post just breaks my heart.

Really, it's eminently appropriate for Gracie to see a grief counselor. That's what they're for, and if anyone should see one, she should. And, honestly, it's something you might seek out for yourself too. I would, in your situation.

As for getting a referral, though, the only thing I can advise is to start by finding a new pediatrician. The one you have sounds terribly insensitive. And you guys deserve so much better than that.

The other thing I want to say is that Gracie sounds like an absolute sweetheart. And so do you. With all of these terrible losses, it's so wonderful that you have each other, and always will.

I truly feel for you and your daughter. I do think your daughter needs a psychologist to work with. I think she will gain a lot of peace from having someone to talk to about all this loss. I would do anything possible right now to keep her in a peaceful environment. Give her time to heal, if that is possible, so much death is such a hard thing to come back from.

Call your insurance provider and visit with them. Due to the circumstances of her life she needs a therapist.

You should be able to call your insurance and tell them:

"MY daughter is sad and I am worried about her being depressed. Her doctor blows me off and I need for her to see a therapist about this. Please tell me how I can get her in counseling and which clinic accepts this insurance".

Don't mention ADHD or any other sort of medical issue, this will only come back to the doc's opinion. Just call about depression, needing an antidepressant, and that you are worried about her. Share she is worried about being away from you, that something will happen to you or to the person she is with, that she can't cope with a classroom situation due to being bullied, etc...

Any insurance company that says your family doc has to refer a child with "symptoms" of depression and the life experiences your child has been through should also be able to give you a list of all the pediatricians they have so you can go to another one. If they require her doc to do any referral then take her to a different pediatrician. Any doc will see she needs therapy.

After she's been to the psychologist a few times talk to them about the possibility of an antidepressant. If they think this will help THEN bring up the ADHD issue with that psychologist.

Your child should only get prescription meds for mental health issues through a psychiatrist. This is something I am firm about. I will not let a general doc prescribe mental health meds to my grand-kids because a general doc is just not as qualified as a psychiatrist.

For instance, if your hubby needed a heart check would you take him to your OB/GYN? Of course not, he'd go see a cardiologist. Same thing with mental health compared to being qualified to treat childhood illnesses.

Use the "right" phrases and they will get you fixed up to see a psychologist.

She's sad, she's afraid to leave the house due to someone dying, she's afraid to visit her grandmother because she's afraid grandma will die and she'll have to get help for her.

She's suffering from so much death in her life.

She needs to go to therapy so she can have someone to help her learn skills.

She needs an antidepressant. Insist on her going to a psychiatrist for a med check/prescription.

Once you have an appointment or two with the psychiatrist bring up the ADHD evaluations. It may be that the antidepressants will help with attention and other issues you're seeing.

Check your insurance to even see if you need a referral for this kind of thing. You BOTH need help as you BOTH have endured these losses. You are looking after her, but you need to take care of you too.

If you attend church, perhaps see if they have a grief support group.

And I kind of agree that if your pediatrician is blowing all this off, perhaps find a new one. You need someone with more sensativity.

What do you have for health insurance? My health insurance DOES NOT require any kind of referral for mental health services.

Your daughter - and you - could both use some grief counseling. You have both experienced a lot of loss and upheaval. How any doctor could deny the need for this makes no sense to me.

If your insurance company requires a referral for grief counseling and your daughter's pediatrician won't approve of it, I would find a new pediatrician.

Who are these doctors who you have taken her to? What have you been asking them to do?

Counseling after loss and major life events is normal and healthy - it's not looking for trouble, it's processing trauma in a healthy way. I don't understand why a pediatrician would not support this with a referral.

If you feel she needs therapy then take her to a therapist. I'm not sure how your insurance works but I didn't need a referral for mental health services I just needed to find someone in network.
She's a little young for ADHD testing in my opinion (yes, I have an ADHD child myself) but again, if you want her to be tested take her to a pediatric psychiatrist or psychologist. If she was in a public school you could request the testing through the district but since you're home schooling I guess you're on your own there.
Good luck, sounds like she's been through a lot, though so have you. Have you considered some counseling for yourself? Your daughter may actually be handling these losses better than you are. Just a thought.

I'm sorry, but you don't say that your daughter is exhibiting any problems or difficulty other than you believe she has ADHD.

Kids that young don't fully understand death. They know that people go away, but they have no real, full concept of death. I opine that these losses have been extremely hard for you, as they would be for anyone, but I don't believe your daughter is suffering as much as you might think from them.

Like some other posters have said, don't look for problems that aren't there. You could ask that the school psychologist meet with her on a weekly basis and if that person believes she needs additional intervention, then you could work with that person to get it for her.

Good luck. I am so very sorry for all of your losses.

I'm so sorry for all your losses. This IS a lot for an adult to deal with, let alone a young child. My 14 yr old DD has been to no less than 8 funerals over the years. She has taken most of it in stride but I attribute that to our strong faith in God. We also had some time to prepare for those closest to us.

My only advice to you would be for YOU to seek counseling alone first so that you can learn how to help your daughter with all of this. It may be a little too much for her to actually handle the therapy directly at her young age. I'm sure a good therapist can help you learn how to answer your daughter's questions. Another alternative that comes to mind is art therapy for your daughter. Maybe research options in your area?

Sorry I can't offer more help, but this is all that I can think of right now. You're a good Mom for dealing with this instead of sweeping it under the rug. Your daughter is very lucky to have you. Best of luck.

If I were you, I'd stop taking her to doctors. You'll make her think that something is wrong with her. Instead, go to a counselor yourself to get help learning what to do. Ask for some books for your daughter to read. The counselor should be able to give you some ideas.

Instead of thinking you'd give up everything for your daughter, have some faith in her. Ask Mini to come to your house instead. Death is a part of life when it comes to the elderly. Yes, she has gone through the mill. (So have you.) But when we have extended family, especially older people, it happens. Show her strength and courage. She'll rise to the challenge.

Change Gracie's doctor to one who will listen to you and your concerns and not blow you off. That is what we did and the first thing out of her mouth is why has he not sent him to a Psychologist? She sent him and they classified him with ADHD we tried therapy first since I was against putting him on medicine to begin with but he needed the medicine and it has made a world of difference.

You are good to homeschool her for a while. School counselors are not equipped for this. Our study was more general.

You need a 'real' therapist for her. I feel for her.

I'm an adult having problems letting go of my deceased parents.