Choosing Not to Give Presents to My Kids for Christmas

All kids screw up at some point in their lives, but mothers need to love their kids unconditionally. Get them presents. They don't have to be big expensive presents, but please give them presents. It can be socks, underwear, deodorant, razors...practical things. Don't let them remember the time mom didn't give them gifts at all.

I think what you're describing is conditional.
I'm sorry, I could never do that.
Good luck finding the words...

Updated

I think what you're describing is conditional.
I'm sorry, I could never do that.
Good luck finding the words...

I didnt read the other answers, so sorry if this is a repeat. I would go to a bookstore and buy them self-help books that address their issues. Merry Christmas!

Christmas is not the time to resolve long-standing family issues.

I would give them reasonable, non-enabling, gifts and then work on this in the New Year.

These problems are a long time in the making and will not be fixed by a one day stance in December. All that will happen is you will give your kids ammo against you. This will not serve them well when they should be focusing on their own behavior.

Again, I would not go overboard. But I would get them at least one gift.

Good luck and I hope all of this improves.

I know you are upset and angry with your boys but you are their mother, you are responsible for them through good and bad times.

What message do you think you are sending with you shower your pets and others with gifts and then do nothing for your own children? You have the spirit for others but not your own children? You children can see your attitude and that may be playing a part of the issue here.

I feel if you shut them out completely, you may as well shut them out of your life for good. Parents who unconditionally love their children don't just give up on them and let whatever happens fall into place.

I would not shut my child out of Christmas or any other day because she is my child and my responsibility to raise so she becomes responsible and independent.

I'm sorry you are sick and feel like you are at the end of your rope. Before you do this to your children, please go talk to a professional. Also, communicate with your children, even if you think they are not listening to you. Lastly, get them something for Christmas.

As much as it hurts you to get them something for Christmas, you are setting the example for them and what kind of husbands and dads they will become someday. If you can't love them now, think about your potential grandchildren and what kind of dad you raised.

Best wishes to you.

Coming over all grinch-like now isn't going to have the desired effect on your kids.
Your principle will be lost on them and no lessons will be learned.
You say they are not suffering - I think you want them to suffer a bit.
I think you're doing some suffering from your circumstances of late and you'd like to spread it around a bit.
You want to exclude your kids from your holiday, be a tad bit vindictive about it and feel good about yourself?
Not a good parenting move.
Singing around the house, pampering the pets, coming down hard on the kids - bi-polar much?
I'm not seeing how these pieces are going to fit together in any sort of a pattern that makes sense to me.
Their choices will cause them plenty of suffering throughout their lives without any additional barbs tossed in by you at this point.
Your nest will be empty soon enough - they'll be grown and gone before you know it.
Is this how you want one of your last Christmases with them to be remembered?
You don't need to do anything spiteful that you will regret later on.
One small gift each is fine.
A few low key decorations is no biggie - have the kids help you set up and clean up after New Years.

You sound overwhelmed and like you have no more to give. Part of that goes with the season :-).

The other part comes with having so much stress on family members the foundation breaks into self destructive pieces. You all are there now. You all have been patching the dam for awhile but the weight of the season has broke it.

Get them small meaningful gifts. They need to know you care despite them not being at their best.

Take the rest of the money and invest it in family counseling. YOU ALL need to learn how to support each other as a family and get your needs met. Things are only get more stressful for all of you. Lack of presents will not be the wake up call, but a commitment to repairing the family will be.

It will take a while to repair, but don't give up! They may need to take care of you one day and you will want them to remember how you didn't give up on them no matter how hard it got.

Please seek professional help.

I never made Christmas or birthday gifts contingent on behavior.

I understand that you are frustrated, but it sounds like you are being a bit childish. You won't teach them what you want them to learn by withholding love and generosity at Christmastime. And you certainly won't teach it by then showing that same attention to your pets in front of the boys.

It sounds like your problems with raising your sons goes WAY deeper than just what you told us here. Maybe counseling is in order here for all of you. But I don't think refusing to celebrate Christmas with them, or refusing to be the leader in the family, ( by showing compassion and forgiveness), is going to help.

I think you should give them one gift each. I am not one to punish kids on a major holiday. Since you asked for my opinion, here it is. You created these spoiled brats. They are older now and making their own choices, but you bear some responsibility for that. Only now are you thinking of ways to teach them a lesson by punishing them. How about a lesson in forgiveness and fresh starts? And this isn't a lecture you should be giving on Christmas Day, it's something you should be talking about now.

I also think that you need to be screened for depression. You sound depressed to me. I also agree with the posters that said these things may have been going on all along, they just weren't an issue because they didn't interfere with the kids' grades. You're only noticing now because, a) you have the time to notice and b) the kids' behavior is affecting their grades. Kids act out for a reason. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that maybe they are scared about YOUR future.

Good luck and I hope it all works out.

I hope that it will be a wake up call for them. Have they even asked why the tree isn't up?

I think that one gift per teen would be more appropriate. I also notice that you say that you go over the top shopping. Does that mean that you went over the top shopping for the family you sponsor?

I really think that if you did, you are in the wrong. It's one thing to buy for a family in need. It's another thing to put all that energy into a family that you have no ties to when you have had such a financial set back.

If you cannot afford to send your boys to college, then tell them that once they finish high school, they will need to move out. They can go join the military as enlisted men. The Army has a Green To Gold program that allows them to become officers when they get degrees - they can choose to study on the Army's dime once they've grown up enough to know what it means to not have much in the way of money.

As far as Christmas is concerned, give them one decent gift each. You still have time to get them. If you give them nothing, you risk the lesson being totally lost because of them thinking you're a beotch. If they ask why they only got one gift, tell them that you have decided that they need to understand what not having a lot means, because once they graduate from high school, they will have to manage their own finances. They won't like it, but they will understand the principle of the matter. I would not go into anymore conversation than that.

I do hope you feel better and that your health improves. As the Affordable Healthcare Act gets on its feet, I hope you can access that as well.

wow. well, i'm sorry, first of all, for your challenges, and that your kids are being buttheads.
at their ages they don't *need* presents, and i do think it's okay to send a message that you're not amused by their attitudes.
i dunno, though, just canceling christmas strikes me as somewhat petty and sulky. and yeah, i DO think a lump of coal, and zero responsibility for the boys' current bad attitudes, is being somewhat less than a stellar parent.
this isn't really about christmas at all. so i'd take the focus OFF christmas. i wouldn't buy a ton of stuff and pretend everything's hunky dory, but i'd certainly get them each a gift, and work with them to figure out where you all, as a family, have gone off course. and what their suggestions are for getting back on track.
these are your kids. they're the product of your parenting. you don't just write them off when things go south.
khairete
S.

I agree with Doris. Get one gift each. Find metaphorical ones, like a flashlight to guide them in the future, and include a note. Tell them you will always be available for guidance, but once leaving high school, that they will have to make it on their own. Your house, your rules. No weed. Grades at Bs or above. Home by a certain hour. Duties at the house to be part of the household. Otherwise, out the door.

Sounds like you need a family talk. Explain your illness and explain your energy level and what you are able to do and what you are not able to do. Explain how in a family, when one member is ill, the others are required to pick up the slack. Tell them what your needs are. Maybe schedule the meeting to be held with a social worker so that they see the significance of the situation. For me, that ought to wake them up.

I suspect your illness is making it more difficult for you to accept the behavior of your boys. Perhaps they exhibited these behaviors before, but with your job it was not as noticeable. You are letting their behavior cause you stress. Perhaps going to counseling could help.

Is it possible that your boys are exhibiting these behaviors as a reaction to your illness? Is this their way to say they're scared?

Do Christmas for yourself. Start a new tradition. Do what you want for the holiday.

Avoid behaviors that are to spite the boys. If you want a tree, make them get one and put it up. If you don't want one, don't talk about it.

It sounds rough. Make it a good holiday.

From the sound of your posting this isn't a situation that popped up overnight. It's something that's been there for a while but now that you are home all the time you are seeing it all day every day.

I probably would have been up front about it and told them from the start that since your family has everything they need instead of buying presents for each other you've decided as a family to sponsor a family at the children's hospital. Giving your sons Christmas gifts shouldn't be based on liking or disliking their actions. All you are doing is making them resentful and this will allow their friends to show them that you really are a ____@____.com

I'd be inclined to gift something like a book and maybe a gift card to a clothing store or a gas card. No cash since that could be used to fund their poor choices.

When the new year rolls around set up a meeting with their school counselor so that you and each of your sons can talk about where they are right now and what the next step after high school is going to be. At 18 you're an adult and with adult rights comes adult responsibilities. It's a matter of making your child see that if you want the rights you have to take on the responsibilities.

Best of luck with your health. I hope that works it's way out for you so your quality of life improves.

I would not pick Christmas time to make these "Principle" changes to your sons. The problems in your family started way before this holiday season. I would get them each a small gift. And I would explain that your focus is changing to a focus of health and the importance of family. Explain that your serious illness this year and disability means things have to change. I would ask them to attend some family counseling as a present to you to strengthen and get back on track as a family. Shutting them out would get their attention, but it may create negative feelings that would never heal and cause more problems. Good luck. I hope you find some peace this Christmas.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but that would suck. I could not imagine just writing my kids off for the holidays. No matter what they are or are not doing, they are still your kids and you should celebrate Christmas with them. You don't have to spend a lot and go all out, but showing your love and support of them during hard times is a better gift to give them than actual presents. JMO Good luck.

Please don't do this unless you want to push them further away from you.

They will not "get" the lesson or principle you are teaching. It will just distance them more from you and give them justification to lash out more at you and disrespect you. They are sad and hurting. Where the heck is their father in all this?? Maybe all these boys want for Christmas is a father in their life that loves them and cares about them. Do you have family around? Do these boys have an extended family support?(for you also)

Kids will act out and be disrespectful to mask what they are feeling deep down. Most often it is because they are scared,angry and feel bad about them self. They will turn to drugs, sex partners and other households to find the acceptance they so desperately are looking for.

I bet you are trying your best with the cards you were dealt and the cards you willingly chose to play. These boys need lots and lots of love. I would put up a Christmas tree. I would tell them that they are making cookies with me tonight and we are taking them to some families in our community who are struggling right now. I'd jack up the stereo with Christmas music and we'd have fun making cookies together. I'd ask them what they'd like for Christmas dinner and have them help me make it in the kitchen. This situation will be better remedied with more love,fun,laughter,joy, smiles, hugs, I love you's and forgiveness than by coal and lectures.

They know their behavior is wrong. They know they are screwing up their life with their grades. They don't care about it right now...they are feeling really low. They don't need you telling them what they already know. They need you loving them, being patient with them and then loving them some more.

They don't need to be showered with meaningless gifts. I would personally get them useful stuff. New underwear, pants, shirts, school supplies..maybe a cool movie to watch together Christmas night. But I wouldn't buy gift cards or cool gadgets or video games. Buy them useful essentials.

Have you all ever done family counseling? It is hard to save your kids when they are almost out the door on their own but it is worth a try.

I hope you have a nice Christmas together.

What about volunteering as a family. They may not be thrilled about it, but it may help them see where mistakes can lead. Maybe a soup kitchen, an at risk teen center. Explain that this will be their gift to you.
Get them something. I made a lot of really stupid mistakes and my family loved me unconditionally through it all. Once I got to their age it was just one gift from each parent, something from grandparents etc. you don't need to go overboard anymore, but you can still have a nice, small Christmas together.
ETA: my step dad used to stop at a store and come out with three candy bars (there were 3 of us kids in the car)-one for him, one for mom, and one for the dog. You enjoying Christmas with the pets instead of your sons is going to push them away.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time recently.

Did these changes in your sons' attitudes and the slip in their grades coincide with your illness or other life changing type of event in the last year? It sounds like you might all be hurting. As a family, you may need to kind of help to get back on track with each other that no one on Mamapedia can give/do.

As for the right now, you might not have control over those boys right now, but you are the boss of yourself! If you didn't put up a tree or decorations because of them, then do it this weekend for yourself. If you want to. But do it or not because it pleases you, not to punish or reward anyone else.

I hope your 2014 gets much brighter.

I would get them some things they can use as gifts for Christmas. There would be no big ticket items for them. They are soon to be young men and they can get their own items.

Make an appointment for separate and group sessions with family therapists to get you guys back together. The third person maybe what is needed to open up lines of communication that are really needed.

Perhaps your children are crying out for help by the way they are acting. Hormones have come into play for them and you can't change that but you can guide them. You don't want to be a grandma in the next year or so as you cannot care or provide for any additional family members.

I wish you well in your health, the holidays and with your family.

the other S.

PS I am a bit down this year about the season but I do listen to holiday music. Hubby is the one that did not want to decorate but we are making and buying gifts for the family. I forgot to get something for the cat but that is not big deal -- a bag of treats.

This really isn't about Christmas. Christmas is just the point in time and you see this as leverage. Don't think to cancel Christmas out for the entire family, just keep it simple. However, the time to talk about changing Christmas is well in advance, not a week before Christmas.

I agree, they aren't little kids, so they shouldn't be expecting endless gifts, unless of course this is how you have historically raised them. They are older and there is a lesson to learn. I'm just not sure Christmas is the time to point that out. I totally understand what you are trying to do. I'm also one for wanting to make a statement and in a big way because I think they'll get the point. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I would instead have a talk with them since this is not really about Christmas.

You are simply fed up with their choices/attitude and are reacting and think Christmas is the time to strike. They are moving into young adult life and we all know that is very different from childhood. I think you want to help them transition, but don't do it out of anger. This Christmas you should explain that next year you want to do things differently...that way everyone has been notified and knows what to expect. It's almost as if you are not happy and you are hell bent on making everyone in the house miserable. You know the saying, "If Momma isn't happy, then nobobdy is happy." You are trying to make a point, just don't do it this way. Good luck and Merry Christmas!

Christmas is about love and giving, as you know since you gave for that family.

Since you've given to strangers I'd say the message you'll be sending your kids is this.

I don't want to be around you, I don't like or love you, and that's it. I'm done.

I wouldn't use Christmas gifts as leverage for them to get presents.

That's not what Christmas is about to me, if this is what you want to do though. Sit them down and talk to them today, tell them what your feelings about it are and such.

I agree that you have your hands full, and it seems that you have accepted responsibility for allowing them to get this far down in the hole of selfishness and laziness. Perhaps they think you will just bail them out of their college and military futures. You say you have severe financial problems, but you still had money for dozens of gifts for a needy family, so you've shown your kids that "dozens of gifts" is what 'worthy" people get?

Christmas is not a good time to draw a line in the sand about year worth of behavior problems because it's going to backfire on you. I agree with a the suggestion of a couple of small, meaningful, non-enabling gifts for them rather than a message of "you're dickheads, I reject you."

Your boys need to be held accountable for their actions, in seeing that their poor choices affect them every day, not just at Christmas. I agree with the suggestion of getting some counseling - for you if you can't get them to go - but I wouldn't make it their "gift". It's important for everyone to learn about consequences.

I think it's okay not to do certain things because you don't feel they appreciate it - if there's no tree or decorations, that's not the end of the world and may make them wake up. You can also say you don't have the energy and it's up to them to pitch in for what they feel is important. If they put up a tree, great. If they help you cook, great. If they don't, then it doesn't get done. But that has to be your M.O. all year long, not just at Christmas. You have to find a way (working with a counselor is good) to tell them you aren't driving them everywhere, spending money on their junk food, paying their car payments and phones, and so on, when they have no respect. But that's not an overnight thing because they've been allowed to engage in this behavior for years.

Good luck to you.

I have been there. Last year, or maybe the year before, my son was SOOO disrespectful while out shopping, 4 days before Christmas, that I pulled the ultimate ultimatum 'Get up, or I'm cancelling your Christmas. The response: 'I. DON'T. CARE'..... okay then. His super duper gift, that he had been wanting all year, that everyone else's gift was part of was now staying put at Grandma's house! When I told everyone that he was NOT getting that gift, suddenly, I was the bad guy. They didn't care that I, their child, their daughter had been so disrespected. My husband said I was wrong. My inlaws told me to straighten up and change my mind. They said if I wasn't going to give him the gift, that they were going out Christmas Eve to buy another one and give it to him themselves. My response - do that and we won't be seeing you for Christmas, you'll be lucky if we stop by for Easter. (we live next door to them)

My co-workers had a pool going on whether I would cave. I did NOT cave.
My kid learned a lesson that year.

My kid did get presents for Christmas that year.
- New underwear and socks.
- New jeans that were needed.
- New snow boots that were needed.
- The latest book from his favorite author.

So, while I understand your point. I WOULD get them each one gift of something that they DO need, but are too lazy to replace.

As for decorations and traditions, etc. Do the things that make Christmas special to YOU.

Don't cancel Christmas.
They won't get the message & it's not a healthy way to teach.
How about getting them just a few gifts that they can use. Not underwear
but a nice pullover sweatshirt, a basketball (if they play), a shirt w/their
favorite sports team logo.
This age is a hard time & transition.
They are on the verge of adulthood & venturing out on their own.
They are finding their way, beginning to stand on their own two feet.
I am a good person & I made a few not so stellar choices.
My parents were good parents & worked with me to teach me about life,
lessons & responsibility.
They taught. They didn't disown me. Were they disappointed? Yes.
Were they mad when I screwed up & made a couple of choices? Yes.
They sat down & spoke to what they thought were deaf ears. It worked.
Here I am.....a responsible adult raising hopefully another resp person
that will go out into the world.
Put up decorations & a tree for yourself, put on Christmas music, bake a
pie or cookies for your household.
Don't hold out. Teach w/love, reasoning & patience. Best of luck!

17 and 18? I don't think they need anything special. At that age I felt guilty if my parents bought me anything.

They sound like their behavior has been not so great. Maybe a simple shirt or a note saying you'll always love them. Love, Mom

Donate to a charity in their name.

Sounds like a rough year. I know I have had one too but these kinds of years really (hopefully) are the biggest learning years as well. Something I remember from growing up and disappointing my parents with my endless poor decisions was the feeling of utter confusion, of not knowing what i did wrong that came with the shame and guilt of upsetting my parents. You see my parents were never very clear on what their rules were or why doing certain things was wrong at all and I usually didn't even figure it out until either 1. mom and dad were mad at me or 2. life's consequences showed me that I had made bad decisions. Getting most of my ideas about right and wrong from all the other idiotic children on the street and screwed up adults that seemed to have corruption and the fall of innocence as their top priority was a recipe for disaster. Obviously I don't know what your personal relationship is like but I wonder if you take time to talk directly and honestly to your kids, one on one and tell them exactly what you expect from them, explaining precisely what they are doing wrong and what makes it wrong? It sure would have changed my path if my parents were more clear...

I will be thinking about you and your son's and praying for families like mine and yours and hoping that the boys turn their lives around. I read a great book, "Unbroken", buy it-try to get the boys to read it or read it to them-it is a true story that you will not believe. Maybe get them a few small things they can use, and put up the tree and make a beautiful dinner and sit down and be together. If all else fails, print your letter and hand it to them. Good luck, Merry Christmas and God Bless You!

You go girl!

Do what you need to do for YOUR kids and YOUR family. Maybe it won't work for other families but I hope it works for you. Then maybe there will be 2 less kids in this world who can value their mother, the things they have and the life they have.

Maybe I'm in a bad mood but I'm so sick of kids these days acting as if their behavior is #1 not seen or heard by anyone but themselves #2 will have no consequences no matter how big or small the offense #3 is acceptable by those close to them aka in their own household.