I would love your opinions on this. Is it ever ok to give someone financial advice? (or even any advice- parenting, health, relationship, etc). If so, when is it appropriate?
I have kept myself from doing so, but this advice is for my mom. My brother is a great guy but he and his wife are really bad with money and it is constantly causing problems for his family. They are both "oversharers" so as a family we always know exactly what situation they are in and how they dug themselves into that hole. My mom and dad recently cornered him when he was at my house and pretty much laid out their opinions on his situation. On one hand it was pretty uncomfortable for everyone! Then on the other hand, I also think, maybe someone needs to tell him how it is, maybe show him that the choices they are making are really out there and show him how he can be financially secure. My mom told me she went off on him on the phone again, and I was thinking, "Oh! You really need to keep your opinions to yourself" until she told me that he had called her to ask for money. So, does that change it? Is it ok to give "financial advice" if you are it is gifting or lending money to someone? Is it ok to give advice if somehow you are being affected by the person's decisions? Or is the only time you give advice like that, when you are asked or hired to do so? Thanks for letting me muse out loud!
It is OK if they ask for advice.
It is OK if they are a SUPER close friend and you have that sort of MUTUAL dynamic.
It is OK if you are family and they are over-sharers asking for money.
I give my opinion when asked for it.
& if you're asking, you better have the grace, dignity, & respect to hear my words.
I do not expect/ask you to abide by my words (unless it's my kids), but I do ask that you at least hear my words.
& most importantly, I ask that you agree to disagree if we are of differing opinions. :)
If your brother is asking his parents for money or moaning and groaning about their situation, then I think that they should let him know their feelings about it. However, it sounds like your mom is beating a dead horse by continuing the discussion on the phone. Enough is enough.
The Bank of Mom/Dad should be closed. Sometimes people won't dig themselves out of a hole until they are forced to.
Dawn
You give advice when you are asked to do so. However, If someone asks you for money, then you are entitled to give your opinion.
When your brother asked your mother for money, he made HIS financial situation HER business. She's fully entitled to give him advice. It's hard to watch someone we love dig themselves into a hole, and if the advice is coming from a sincere place (as opposed to "let me give you advice which shows how much more SUPERIOR I am and how I know so much more than you") it should be just fine. She can always start with "I'm going to give you some advice. Whether or not you listen is your choice, but I hope you hear me out."
I think it's ok to give advice under most circumstances. But the giver needs to understand the receiver (and how they might react to said advice). Sometimes it IS best to hold your tongue if the other person is so sensitive that giving them advice would strain the relationship or make them react so defensively that they go do the complete opposite of what you advised. It can be touchy. But in YOUR situation, I don't see why your mom can't give your brother some good financial pointers - sounds like he needs it and it's a kinda important part of being an independent adult.
if someone asks for it.. or if their decisions are affecting you in some way (if hes asking her for money its affecting her, so she had a right to voice her opinion)
That was called an "impromtu intervention"....maybe bad timing, but it's now laid out on the table. Your family members will withdraw from the family (for a while) and/or take it to heart and start to make some changes.
I think your Mom was in the right. True the scene at your house was uncomfortable, but at some point it all has to get put on the table.
If she keeps being the go to person, and she is having a problem being the go to person, then she has a right to share her feelings on the subject.
One thing you could do is buy him a Dave Ramsey book. Mail it to him anonymously. Some people put on the appearance of know how to handle money, when in reality, they don't. It just runs like water in all of the wrong directions. Has anyone sat down with them to help them get on track? Or does everyone just say, you need to do this better. Some people need someone to be accountable to - a parent, a financial planner, etc. in order to 'get it'.
Generally you don't give advice unless asked for it.
But if someone's begging money off you, the asking for the money is in effect asking for advice.
If/when everyone has worn themselves out giving advice and it's falling on deaf ears, then the only thing left to say is 'No' when ever they ask for anything.
Cornering your brother at your house? REALLY not cool, just because of the situation. You and whoever else that was not your brother did not ask for this sort of tension. That said... about the phone call~
Yes, if your kid is tapping you for money and you have some wisdom to impart (or are getting rather tired of it), yes, it is reasonable to give advice.
Had he not asked for money, but was just complaining, then the kind thing to do is offer: "I have an idea which might help you. Are you interested?" But I can tell you that if my child was calling me up to ask me for money because he's mismanaged his, he might need to listen to my two cents before I give him the dollars.
So he called to ask for money AFTER hearing how she felt he was mismanaging money. (At your house-uncool-but perhaps that when she hit her limit of watching the insanity?)
She had the right to voice her opinion, and then I hope she said "NO!" to the request.
Are these gifts, loans, what?
You don't give a drunk a drink and you don't give people with bad financial sense money!
So...usually you give advice when asked, but mom is mom, not a bank, and I think she had every right to express her opinions/concerns.
Now if she lays it out then continues to give him money? She's an enabler, and that's another ball of wax....
So if she's gonna talk the talk, I hope she's gonna walk the walk!
Well, there is such a thing as a confrontation, in which unasked advice is given because the situation is such a crucial one. And when someone asks you for something, you certainly do have the right to say something about it.
Generally speaking, of course, the safest time to give advice to friends and relatives is when you're asked.
It sounds as if your parents thought a confrontation was in order.
Okay, Mom gives out advice as she pleases, she is Mom.
Now, if you are not mom if the situation is effecting you then say something like, I can not help you out of it anylonger by giving you money (based on your example), you have to help yourself if you are interested in ideas I have them.
Otherwise when asked or hired.
You can always genuinely ask do you want my advice? Just be sure to wait for the answer and honor it.
LOL... There is an awesome song lyric:
Asked for money, give advice.
Asked for advice, give money twice.
And an even better acronym
THINK before you speak
True
Helpful
Inspiring
Necessary
Kind
when they ask.
if you offer it unsolicited, it will be at best ignored and at worst resented.
khairete
S.
Mom is.....mom. My parents give all kinds of unsolicited advice because to them, I'll always be their little girl. I don't have to agree with them, or even take their advice into consideration, but I DO know they're doing it out of genuine concern.
My in-laws (parents and kids) are terrible with money. After repeat mistreatment of loaned money, we refuse to loan them money until they show evidence of changed behavior. We explain why we feel that way and why we're not loaning them money until they change. Is that giving "advice"? Not really. It's more of a "terms and conditions." As much as we feel it's important to help family, we don't have money to throw away. And helping them make sound financial decisions makes more sense than enabling poor financial responsibility.
Ultimately, I guess it all falls down to how close your family is. My siblings and parents and I discuss almost everything. And everyone gives opinions on almost everything. And no one really takes offense...it's more just "take it or leave it."
Hmm. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink-right? Your mother talking down to your brother isn't going to help.
Sometimes sitting down with a person and going over a budget or bills can help. Or sharing your own tips/ mistakes. But, only if that person is willing to learn.
If your mother wants to help then I suppose that does provide her with the right to have an opinion.
I certainly wouldn't give your brother money. I would offer to pay for a financial counselor if he didn't want my help.
When someone makes their poor choices your problem, then it's ok to tell them so and to sometimes give advice. If someone is asking you to bail them out financially, you have a right give some financial advice and to put some strings on any financial assistance that you give. If your friend is drinking so much that she can't function as a friend and is unreliable and a danger, you have a right to give some advice. If someone asks for advice, it's ok to give it.
