When to Just Throw in the Towel with Family?

She's involved with a married man which means that all of her spare time is spent waiting on when she can see him.
It's not that she's ignoring you and your life it's that she's addicted to the weird life she has and it is restricting her without her even realizing it.
You know she loves you and your children but her lifestyle is such that she can't escape her tangled web.
I'd keep the door open for her as one day this will come to a crashing end most likely and you being the loving, caring sister you are will be there to help her pick up the pieces wont you?
My only sister is dead. Be patient. I'm sure she wishes her life wasnt so complicated and probably feels really guilty and bad for not being there for you, she just isnt at a point yet where she is ready to admit it.
jmo

I think you should not be so judgmental of your sister. Not to say I condone what she's doing. That's neither here nor there. But her life is her life, and she seems to have self-esteem issues because she doesn't know her own self-worth and is therefore willing to accept what these men are willing to give her. She's just a little slower dealing with her demons than you were to deal with your own, and hopefully, she'll get past this and claim her own self-worth and power before too long.

In the meantime, it sounds like you've talked to her about her life but you haven't talked to her about what you see as perhaps her disdain for her nephew. Maybe that's the conversation you should have, and then decide what to do from there.

So are you going to be okay with loveing your sister conditionally? My sisters and I have a very colored, interesting and special past, but no matter what happens we are still sisters and at the end of the day we still love each other ... does not mean we all like eachother at the same time.

Just mourn that she has made sad/bad choices. She obviously doesn't think she deserves or would ever be able to find a man who loved her and treated her kindly.

She is probably avoiding you because birds of a feather flock together. When she is around you, she feels guilty and bad about herself and jealous that you have a decent husband, or something like that. Whatever she is feeling, we don't know, but it is not healthy and it is not happy.

I think you should leave the door open for her. Forgive her for being a ditz, but lower your expectations of her to nothing. You can't change her. Try and be an example to her of a healthy family and a loving sister. She has never had that and she needs people to love her in spite of her drama. Don't put tons of time and effort into her, or expect her to help you in any way. She is not emotionally healthy enough to do so.

Don't try to figure her out, it will drive you crazy. Instead, love her and forgive her, and live your life in peace. She probably has battles that you don't know about. She may be feeling like you are, but it sounds like she already threw in the towel. I hope you two can work it out, there is nothing more precious in life than your sister. The older I get, the more I realize this, and especially now that our parents are gone.
Blessings....

It doesn't necessarily have to be black or white.
I think you can have her in your life and NOT support the fact that she's dating a married man. He's not invited or included. Ever. See her. I also don't think you need to try to act like it's a secret that you don't condone what she's doing but you also can't judge her.

I have found that when people are really struggling in life, and very unhappy and depressed, as your sister seems to be, they really don't have a lot in their emotional tank to give to others. Their problems and their chaos is about all that they can handle. It sounds like your sister is suffering on some deep level and how she is acting toward you is most probably not about you at all.

I know that it appears that she is responsible for choosing the relationships and lifestyle that she has, and it is easy to assign blame that way but, I think, if you look a little deeper, you may find a woman there that doesn't have the self-confidence to know that she can and should be in a relationship that is about a true partnership and unconditional love. Her self worth is probably very much in the tank right now. Not saying what she is doing is right because I do know that having a new baby is a big, BIG deal (congratulations!), but if you can see it from this perspective, maybe you can see that how she is behaving is all about her and not about you at all.

Please believe me when I tell you that I know how painful this is because I have had similar experiences with certain dysfunctional family members and friends through the years. The advise I share with you comes from my own personal experience and what I have learned along the way. I hope it helps.

(((Hugs!))) to you and your new baby.

Maybe she is ashamed because she knows you dissaprove of her choices and lifestyle.

It is hard to be sisters with someone who is ashamed of you. My sister treats me like this. She is always correcting my behaviors, my way of doing things, so after a while I just shut down.

I love my sister no matter what. She is tough person to live up to her expectations, because she herself is not perfect, but she is very vocal about voicing her opinions.

Depending on how you feel, it must come from your heart, if you really love her and miss her, let her know..

Also let her know that you will always be there for her, and it is just that you are concerned, that you freaked out about her dating a married man.

You want her to be happy and safe and worry others are taking advantage of her. Let he know you miss her and make a list of why.

You are partially responsible for this. You need to take ownership of that part, we all make mistakes. Model the behavior of a person that has hurt someones feelings, that is now contrite and that you want her back in your life. You have a stable life. Hers is very dangerous and filled with drama. She needs to figure out what it is she is really searching for, but remember, that is her job to figure it out.

I have had a lot of family drama in the past and wanted to let you know of something that has really helped me, in hopes that it will help you. I had to mourn the fact that my sister was not who I needed. She has limitations and I came to realize that I would never get what I needed from her. Mourning that fact helped me accept her for who she is. It took time and a lot of reminding, but it helped big time. It also helped me to be less invested in her choices. I still give advice!!! But when it is not followed it does not bother me. We actually had a year of not talking after a big blow up, but started talking again about 5 mos ago. Our relationship will never be what it once was, but I'm actually satisfied with that. Boundaries were set and our relationship is more distant than it once was, but it is also much healthier for me.

I hope that helps.

L.

You can pick your friends and pick your nose, but you can't pick your relatives.

If I were you, I would stop contacting her for awhile. It's my impression that you are the one doing all the reaching out. Just stop. If you don't hear from her by the end of January, give her a call just to see how she is.

But, I think you need to change your expectations for how your sister is supposed to react to your happy news. Maybe she is jealous. Maybe she is so wrapped up in her own little world, that she can't think of anyone but herself. And speaking of her affair, she is an adult and can do what she pleases. Isn't it obvious that she doesn't care if she hurts others by her actions? Don't be so surprised when she hurts you.

I think a little distance is in order, but not a complete cut off. Good luck.

the last thing you need in your life is drama. you left that behind in high school. do not make the effort to contact her, or return her calls, texts, emails etc. if she happens to catch u on the phone or what ever, be cordial, but keep it superficial and vague. She is living her own life, you dont need to involve yourself in her drama. Hopefully when she grows up, she'll contact you. you havent severed the line of communication, you are taking some self preservation steps to protcect you, your husnabd and your children from someone who is not a good influence. \

your friend and family are like a loaf of bread: some people you can take in chunks, some in slices and some in crumbs. sounds to me like she is a crumb.

good luck

I think i kind of agree with Denise P. She can be part of your life on your terms. You don't have to cut her off but you can set limits to how much you get sucked into her drama. If there are things you enjoy doing together with her then still do them but don't bring up the boyfriends.
as for your son, if the alternative is to cut her off anyways, why don't you tell her that it hurts you and tell her what you would like her to do.

Sometimes the family unit consists of you, your husband and your kids.
If anyone outside of that wants to work with you and be friendly, great!
If not, who needs them?
Just let your sister go figure out what she wants out of life.
If/when she gets herself together, maybe she'll want to be friends again.

Forget it. SHe's your sister and she needs you. You have the stable life and she doesn't. Wouldn't you be jealous. Keep loving her and may be she will begin to see a better picture. You amy have had the same parents but you are different people. YOu say she is older than you. There are differences also in birth order. The oldest usually is either an over achiever or the opposite with bad image of self. Also she has had different experiences that have influenced her differently than it might you. I know it is hard. I have 3 younger sisters and we rarely see eye to eye. My youngest has walked a path the continues to worry me and we have gone short periods not talking to one another. We have some back together and rarely it involves apologizing so I just look beyond it and extend help where I can and try to love her the best I can.

I wouldn't give up on my sister, having a sister is so important, so comforting when you get older. You don't have to approve of her choices, you probably have to endure some hurt because she's not capable right now of celebrating your happiness (congratulations!) but I would keep the door open.

Congratulations on your new baby!!!

My sister was in a similar situation for a while -- with a married man...who was "about" to get divorced, etc. It never happened. But she did finally break it off with him. I was very clear that it wasn't acceptable in my eyes, and I lovingly kept my distance.

What adds to your situation (besides past mistakes) is your emotional health with your new baby. Of course it hurts -- but it hurts extra since your emotions are on a roller coaster right now, as well. Hang in there & focus on the love that you receive in healthy relationships. You'll need to eventually address this with your sister, but it won't make much of a difference until she gets to the point where she can accept healthy feedback.

Try to focus on the true meaning of forgiveness. It'll help you to deal with her as well as others! :)

I agree with grandma T.......I have had to deal with my sister with a looong handle spoon because her decisions and actions were her trying to infect my family. Outside looking in it sounds like your sisters decisions are affecting her path in life and not yours. Easier said than done but I know that you are dissappionted with her non invovlement with your family but maybe that is the best thing for right now.....When she calls you or you see her be honest with her about her decisions but do it in love.

Move on. But don't write her off completely. Remain open to a relationship. Just don't contact her for a while. let her contact you if she wants a relationship. If she notices your abscence from her life, and asks about it, tell her why. Hopefully she can turn her life around and find real happiness. Be there if she asks, but don't go out of your way worrying about her. Best of luck.