When Should I Start Dating Again?

T.!!

I feel your pain!!!

My son is 23 months, and will be 2 in just two weeks. His father and I have not been a 'couple' since I was three months pregnant. Thank goodness, I do have the support of my family, as my son is their world as much as he is MINE! After my son was born, I still had heavy lingering issues about not being with his father. But, as time has progressed I realized that getting out of the house was not a bad idea. When my son was 5 months old I got asked out on my first date in over five years!! At that point I was not ready, and it felt wrong even to think about saying 'yes'...so, I waited. I waited well after my son's first birthday to go on a date. And, as others have responded it was when it felt like my emotional stability was evened out, and my feelings about his father had subsided to a point where I knew it was okay for me to go out.

My feelings about introducing someone to my son, are that if I don't see serious written all over something I won't bring them into his world. And, as of now, I have not brought anyone into his world. I have been dating someone for five months, and he comes from a divorced family and never knew his parents as a couple. So, he is very understanding of my need to be confident that there is love in this relationship and a complete willingness to dedicate a future to me and MY SON as unit and not just me. I've been on dates where I have just known right off the bat that the person was not right, as I did before I met my son's father...it's just tougher now because my son is the most important person in my life, and it's not just me anymore.

As for waiting until your son is 18...please, really? I know we made choices when we decided to bring our children into the world, but really? That to me just seems so drastic. When you're ready you'll get out and date, but for now wait until you are ready. Don't force it because you're lonely. I found things to do with just me and my son, and other friends with kids or found friends with kids actually. Parents without Partners is a great place to do that, or the YMCA has groups and things like that.

Just remember to be true to yourself and follow your guy instincts...if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Love yourself and love your son...as I see my son and are a team, and nobody is going to love us as much as we love each, so work on your family because when push comes to shove it's all you've got!!

Hugs to you and your little one!!

Please feel free to get in touch if you need more contact...being a single mama is tough.

-Deanna

I have no experience in this department, but I wanted to say I think it's obnoxious that anyone would suggest you wait until the kid is 18 -- gimme a break! Having love in your life (of the adult kind) is a major element of life. If you deny yourself any male companionship, you are going to end up a sad, bitter mother who will be no fun at all to be around, IMO -- and not very "datable" after the self-imposed waiting period either. Your son may sense that you sacrificed something huge for him -- he doesn't need the guilt. Just don't be stupid -- don't bring a series of losers home. Slowly and carefully find a wonderful, mature man that is worth introducing to your son.

Seems to me the REAL question is, how do you find occasional cheap and trustworthy babysitting, so you can do normal adult things like dating away from your kid? Maybe trade off with another single mom? Maybe there's a single mom support group to find one? And how do you date when a) you have a kid and b) you have limited time for seeing the guy? I think things like match.com would help with this part -- you get to weed out guys up-front who would not accept the kid (be _totally_ honest on your profile), and you can spend a lot of time with email / phone sorting out who's worth dating in the first place, no babysitter needed. If you start early, and are SELECTIVE, you can find a great man who will be a positive force in your life, and eventually your son's too. Be sure you're not in mommy-mode on the first few dates -- I think it would be a turn off if they sense you're just hunting for a replacement father. Another thought -- maybe you could get involved in something -- I dunno, maybe a political group, church group, volunteer group? -- that would allow you to meet men and women, bring your son but spend time with adults, meet possible dating prospects and get to know them, and even just have some adult company and stimulation. Make your life more fun and full, and you will build your confidence (ie pick better men) and be more appealing too. I imagine that guys would be willing to deal with the awkwardness of dating a woman with a kid if they already know what a catch she is! Good luck -- find happiness for yourself and your son will benefit!

Don't worry about the age of your son. I am a step-mom of two boys: 7 and 13. I started dating their dad when they were 3 and 10. The boys didn't meet me for several months and even then I was Dad's friend. We knew when we could step things up when the oldest asked dad when he was going to ask me when to be his girlfriend!!! Boy do I love these boys. Not only do you need to make sure the man you date is a good example, but you need to continue to be one. I know everyone does it differently, but I didn't move in with my husband and the boys until we were married. It broke my heart to hear the boys comment on how mom's boyfriend would stay the night and the next morning wouldn't leave their room until late in the day. Not the example I wanted to set for a pre-teen boy!!!

Take your time and you'll know it's right when your son asks about "John" and when he'll be around again. It will make your life and relationship easier if everyone gets along!!

Good luck finding love!!!

Any man that does not want to be bothered with a baby or young child or any child for that matter is not someone you should have any interest in.
There are good men out there. you will find one, just be patient and he will come your way.
Take care
B.

I was a single mom with my daughter also, and I used to be the same way!! I had trust issues and didnt want to subject my daughter (4-10yrs at the time) to anyone who I didnt even know myself! I didnt want to get her used to being around this person, cause they are in a "relationship" with your guy just as you are!! If you get used to someone, then one day they are gone, its hard for us as adults to even understand, so how are the kids supposed to?!?! I think its healthy to get out and date though, cause you need time for your own needs and life as well. You wont be ignoring or neglecting your son at all!! Maybe find a teenager in your area that you would trust who could babysit for you once a week or so. Or maybe a parent who has kids close to your age, you can switch nights babysitting. I have a very responsible daughter who will be 16 on 7/7, if you ever need her help, I am sure she will love to do so! I also have a 23 month old son and a 3 1/2 month old son....good luck!!

T. ~ In my opinion, you should date when you feel it is right. Your son is 20 months, really waiting until 18? I was separated from my girls' father when my baby was 2. Unfortunately the divorce took forever, like about 4 years. So waiting until the divorce was finalized was not an option for me and could possibly not even be an issue for you. I dated and dated and dated. I NEVER brought a man around my kids until I thought it was serious. This happend twice. One of the men lived with my girls and I for about a year and we went our separate ways, with no major trauma to my girls. We talked about it. We communicated. The second man I introduced to my girls, I married and we have been married for 6 years and together for 9. I was divorced 10 years before I married my now husband.

I think that dating and being married shows your children what relationships and specifically marriage is all about. You are the example they lead. If you want your children to be in a healthy, happy, loving relationship, you have to show them one.

My parents were married until the day my father passed away. They maintained a happy relationship and a healthy marriage all while raising 5 kids. They actually made it look easy. If it is okay for a mom and dad to be married to each other, why is it not okay for a mom and dad to be married and happy with someone who is not the biological parent?

You can date and not have it affect your son. You are correct, he is your priority and you don't want to take away from one for the other. However, how do you learn the balance if you are only focused on one at a time?

If you are dating someone and you think he will not like your son, stop dating him. There are plenty of men out there who do love children even children that are not their own. Set your standards high and don't budge. One day you will find someone that is perfect for both you and your son. As I am sure you know, you are not alone in this single parent situation. There are plenty of single parents these days. I have more friends who have blended families than not. You can have a wonderful marriage and a happy family and add something to your son's life without necessarily taking away from him. Just don't settle for anyone. Watch your "red flags" and pay attention to what others think of the man/men you date. When the right one comes along, you will know it and he will love you and your son.

Relationships are hard. Marriage is hard and especially blended families are hard, but if you love and are loved and communicate properly, you can have a successful relationship. In my opinion.

Best of luck to you and your son. Go out and date, date date!! Find the right man for you and your son who will grow with you and your family. The perfect man is out there. Who knows, maybe you won't find him until your son is 20, but maybe you will meet him soon. Why waste time. Be happy and be safe. Don't settle! You deserve the best man possible and so does your son!

Hi T.:

I was in the same boat as you are when my son was about your son's age. I used to worry and fret about a role model for him - then I realized that I might go into a relationship for the wrong reason i.e. to look for a father-figure for him.

My son is now 3 years old. I have found that in the past year or so, I have become really comfortable in my role as a single mother and don't yearn any more for a "perfect" family for my son. I started telling him that I was his Mummy-Daddy when he started asking "Where's Daddy?" I have no time for myself because when I am not at work, I am home with my son. I, therefore, have no time to date. However, that suits me just fine as my son and I have settled into a nice, comfortable routine. I only go to places where I can take him i.e. family events and only during the daytime since he has to be in bed by a certain time.

I really feel like I am enjoying my life as it is (even though there are days when I am physically tired). What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that you might find that you might soon become too comfortable in your routine to feel like spending that extra time and energy (if you can spare any) on a relationship. The important thing is that if you do begin dating, that person should complement your already happy life. And any new change to your small family should not traumatize your son, but make him happy, too.

I wish you all the best. Just know that you're not alone.

N. M.

When YOU are ready in your heart honey, he will be. Baby follows mama's lead...when you're happy, he's happy, when your'e scared, he's scared...when you adore someone and are happy and falling in love, most likely HE will be too.

Wendy

T.,

I am a single mom with an 11-month-old and I'm at that stage too where I think it may be time to date.

I think it's garbage that people would suggest that your child be your sole focus for the next 18 years and you aren't allowed to find happiness in another relatioship. Haven't these women even considered that you may want to have additional children if you could only find the right person? Some people are so closed-minded. Are we back in the 1950s? Some people spout such negativity because they are bitter about their own situations. Don't listen to it!

Yes, your child is your priority, of course. However, if you are happy and could be in a stable, supportive, healthy relationship with an amazing man that could be a fantastic role model for your son, I say, "Go for it!"

People make it sound like you're going to be going out every night, whoring it up and neglecting your child. These people need to get off their soap boxes with their negativity. Haven't these people heard of meeting someone for coffee and having conversation?

It's not selfish to want a relationship with someone else if you have in mind that you want a positive role model permanently in your child's life. I have always said that I want a "full-time father" for my daughter, meaning a father who is there for her when she goes to bed at night and there for her the first thing when she wakes up in the morning. Is that wrong? Is that selfish? I can't help the fact that my own child's father will always be a "part-time dad" at best because he chooses when he wants to come over, which basically means when he wants to be a father. You are a mother 24/7 which is no easy feat. You are thinking of your son and what's best for him when you take the time to consider your own happiness.

I commend you for starting to think about taking that leap into the dating pool. I am still not that brave yet, but I can tell I am getting there. I wish you the very best of luck and hope you meet someone who'll be emotionally supportive of you and loving to your son.

I can't say I can offer any advice because I haven't started myself, but I do encourage your bravery! You deserve happiness, too. Please keep me informed of your success.

Cheers to you!

E.

Wow...that's some pretty strict advice below. If you wait until your son is 18, hey, you can be a single mom for another 16 years! You may want to invest in some electronics. Or you could wait until a man proposes in order to introduce your son...but honestly, a man should not propose to you if he's never interacted with the most important member of your family, and you shouldn't consider a proposal if you don't know how your man would feel about your son!

I vote for something a bit more moderate. Wait until the dating is serious to introduce the boyfriend to the son.

I have not dated since my 2-year old was born. But I'm thinking one day I'll just meet a guy at a place where lots of families and single parents hang out--like daycare pick up or Starbucks or Chuck E Cheese or Cupcake Royale. And then maybe none of this worrying will really matter.

You have time, you can afford to be choosy. If you don't feel that way, then don't date. Honestly, desperate women look very obvious and are not men-magnets. A confidant woman who loves her son is attractive. Being in a happy, healthy relationship is part of being a role model for how your son should treat women in the future.

Good luck to you!

I say you should start when you meet someone you find worthy of you and your son. You are not ONLY a mother, and bottem line is a happy mommy is a better mommy. Be picky, be real and be honest with yourself and with the man you choose. Because you are looking for long term qualities in a man, I would suggest trying to find friends for your son. Married couples always have a single friend or two that are obviously not afraid of children or they wouldnt be family friends of these people in the first place. I am sure dating is not going to be the same as it used to be or as easy, but, just remember that you are looking for someone precious, just like your son and, like a diamond, they are hard to find but TOTALLY worth it when you do. Maybe look at it as a new adventure into finding out who YOU now are now that you are a mama. Who knows what you find out about yourself...maybe you never knew it but you love fly fishing or gourmet cooking or urban art or have a passion for landscaping. What I am trying to say is find YOUR passion. I know your first passion is your son, how could it not. Find your new self. I always find that if I really want something badly, the best way to get it is to look at myself and focus my energy there and what I am wanting comes to me....and side benefit, my longing for my want decreases so I am not so bummed I dont have whatever it is.Just remember that oppertunities have a way of presenting themselves if it is meant to be.

I am sorry if this goes on and on, my son is sleeping and how often do you get 20 min that you can just sit and "talk to girlfriend". Good luck and just go for it is what I say. You son will benefit from a happy mom, timing is of no issue in the big picture. (please know I am not saying every man you meet will be appropriate to introduce to your son, of course)

Good luck and the right person will come, have faith!

I know what your feeling and going through! I was there too. I waited a year after splitting up and then went on my search. I wasn't going to settle for just anyone and I wasn't looking for a father for my kids, I was looking for someone for me! In the end you need the whole package forsure, and you'd be surprised how many men don't mind kids. I had 3 kids and dating is not a problem. I'm still in the dating scene only my kids are older now. I have neighbors/friends who gave their lives up for their kids and now are eldery and ALONE because of it, I did NOT want this for myself, someday the kids are going to grown up, move on and make a life for themselves and you'll be alone.
Just know that kids sometimes don't like who your dating but most of that comes from them not wanting someone else around or hoping you'll get back together. You alos have to make sure there are no creepy people in your life.

Best of luck to you!
There is someone out there for everyone!

I know some people think it's ridiculous and some feel very strong about dating while being single with children; I just think that always putting your child's needs, feelings, well being is the priority. Some may think they are doing that, then get caught up in a relationship and the child just has to deal with it: drama, crazy schedules, and taking 2nd seat to the "honey". I feel strong about a child having men (or women) come in and out of their lives, and never getting a true concept of a solid, secure relationship. They don't need that kind of instability. If you decide to date, don't go looking. If the time is right, meant to be, that person will come into your life, probably start a solid friendship, then move forward from there. When that time comes, he doesn't need to involved with your child, it's your relationship. Again, if that relationship develops into something serious, at that time, start bringing him in. That way, all the casual dates, and men that don't last, are not even around or introduced to your child. Your son will grow up to be a better man; he will thank you for the stability.
I am still married; the majority of my kids' friends come from broken homes and some from very unstable homes with revolving relationships. I see their difficulties first hand; they don't like it and it's so hard. They seek out different environments; they want out of that situation and they are young just 10 to 13 years old. The difference is like night and day between the friends who have stable (married or divorced parents) and those with unstable homes with people in and out of their lives..... believe me it does have lasting affects on them.
Good Luck; I wish you the best.

Dear T. do not despare there is someone out their for you. Give it time if you live in cali look upon your friends who would like to give you some time for you. Babysitting well thats a hard one. try joining a mommie and me group and maybe a friend would come up from that and can babysit for you. good luck
D.

You should date whenever you feel you are ready. I am in a similar situation. My daughter recently turned three and her father and I separated when she was a month shy of her second birthday. I started dating around a year or so after the separation. It was difficult at first but easier now. I actually found that I really did not like dating so much and have not been on on since April. The men just have to know that your first priority is your child and they have to work around that, and most of them are pretty good about it. The ones that aren't, who needs them.... Kids handle situations they way that you do. When meeting my daughter, it would be a very casual meeting, some where for her, like a group trip to the zoo, with separate cars. I would introduce them very slowly, and as a friend. I found that she did okay that way, and my attention was always to her first on these meetings. Good luck!

well...you never know when you will encounter the love of your life. it may not be a result of a date. i met my fiance in the checkstand at work. he came through my line. i was not dating...i was in a relationship already but very unhappy. our kids are grown but we are sharing our grandchildren. my best friend met her husband of 20 years while she was 8 months pregnant & had a toddler. he raised those kids as his own & they had two more...all boys & he loves them all the same! be open, you never know when mr. right will come into your life...C.

i started to read some of the others responses...wow! pretty harsh! honestly! 18??? my grandma who was born in 1902 (died at 93) dated...she married a man when my mom was seven & he adopted her as his own. he never had children of his own. my mom was the love of his life & to her that WAS her dad! she passed away young (38) & he never got over it. he lived his life for her! has anyone ever seen "THE BRADY BUNCH"! there are plenty of single fathers in this day & age as well in the same boat as you...i work with one (too young for you! sorry!) he is raising his 2 & 1/2 year old on his own. his mom helps him out. & i have many single dads who have custody that are my customers. they are out there. no need to drag men home overnight but there are coffee shops, beaches, movies, concerts, theater, museum...all perfectly acceptable to go on a date & still be respected in the morning. just don't get involved with mr. wrong!!! you'll know when it's right! good luck!

There shoul really not be a time table in the dating department, when it happens it happens. I was a single parent and my friend pushed me (yes pushed because I really wasn't sure about it)to sign up for Yahoo personals. I met alot of people and then met my husband. It worked for me because like you I didn't have a babysitter. It gave me the chance to get to know someone and see if really there was an interest there. We talked on the phone for a few days (hours at a time I might add) and then met at a restaurant. From that point on we were a couple. I introduced him to my children ( 6&8) right away because he stressed that he wanted to meet the whole family not just get to know me. Life is a gamble and we never know who we are going to meet or what is going to happen, but you only get one life so you might as well live it. I am no expert, but I say if you feel like dating then go for it and after some time if this man is the one you think could be it, then introduce him to your child. Just communicate with your child and everything will be fine. Good luck

T.,
You should date when the chance comes around. Don't look too hard. When I was single I wasn't looking at all and I met my husband. But do make your son your priority. Becareful of who you do bring around him, and they should respect you and him. I have a friend that just got seperated from her husband of 10yrs. She was the most quiet pleasant person you would ever meet. But she took the wrong steps in finding love. I am now sorry to say I no longer talk to her the way I useto and I no longer hang out with her just cause of what people might think of me. She thought of only her happiness and how alone she was that she forgot her two kids. They are the ones hurting in all this. So do date but don't look in the wrong places or don't even look and he will come when you least expect it. Good luck......

T.,
There is plenty of input as to 'when' to start dating, so now that decision lies in your hands. The thing that got me about your post was "...as men do not want to be bothered with a young baby." Please, please, please, do not ever put your child or yourself in the company of someone who would not want to be 'bothered' with a child; they are clearly not for you. That being said you need to invest in some devices so you are in control of your libido. This will save you from jumping in the sack too soon with someone. (don't be bashful, we are human and have needs) I wish you the very best of luck and follow your gut especially when it comes to your son!

I would recommend that you wait until your kid is 18. Why bring men in and out of his life? Unfortunately, it's not all about you anymore. Loving and being with your son should be your number one priority - not your love/sex life!

First of all, I applaud you for not wanting your son around the men you will date before you find "The One". However, you should realize that men who are dating women in our age bracket realize that we may have children. Some may actually welcome "family activities" which include you & your son. But, you should wait until you are comfortable with him before he is included in family type outings. I would, if I were you, focus on the quality of the men you date. Men who are family oriented and accepting of a woman who has a child.

To me, whoever you decide to date, you would need to do a thorough background check and be really slow with introducing them to your child. I don't know where you live, but there is a wonderful babysitting service that would provide babysitters that are certified in first aid and CPR. The website is www.SeekingSitters.com Don't take your time with your child for granted. He is only young once. Also, stepfamilies are difficult to manage at times. Good luck in your situation.

Dear T.,
I think you should start dating as soon as possible unless you are still married and/or recieving support from your son's father... even though you say that you and his father are not "together." (Of course, this depends on a lot of info that wasn't in your letter!)
This is only my opinion, but the "right guy" will love your son at all stages, but unfortunatly too many men have "traditional" men's values that keep them from ever being the "right guy" outside of financial obligation.
If you have financial stability in your present situation, there is no need to be concerned over anything comparitively superficial as the speed in which you can obtain a male "role model" for your son, so you are absolutely correct in your concern over finding the right sort of "husband."
According to a letter response I read from Miss Manners on a similiar subject, a new boyfriend should not be introduced to your baby (or other children) on the first date, but certainly soon after.
Socializing children to "share" their mother with company is a big issue for not only boyfriends, but anybody who comes into your home.
Anyway, good luck! the prospect of dating again should be lots of fun!

When he's 18 so he doesn't have people in & out of his life. He needs your full attention & love.

I think that if you can afford a babysitter, you should start as soon as you feel ready to meet someone new. I suggest that you wait until you have been exclusive with someone for at least 3 months before introducing him to your son, and only do it a little at a time. Try 2 hours at a park or the beach. Always refer to him as "Mommy's friend" so that he does not consider him a father figure until you are married.

When I was a single Mom, I went on dates while my kids were with their Dad. If your son's Dad is not in the picture, then you will have to find a babysitter. Maybe a friend could help you once a week so that you can take a night off. I actually met my husband on Match.com and we now have a beautiful baby girl and "our" older son and daughter love having a baby sister! Notice that I say "our" and not "my" older son and daughter. Do not marry someone who does not treat and love yourchildren as if they were his own. There are men out there like that and some even prefer when children are younger so that they can experience the toddler stages too.

You could go on a dating site and get to know someone through e-mail, then chat on the phone(get his number and block the call when you call him until you are ready to give out your number). After you are comfortable with the way he is on the phone, meet him for a LUNCH date somewhere in public. Do not drive together so that you can leave if you are uncomfortable or just not having a good time. I think online dating is great because you do not have to keep going out in order to find someone and keep paying for a babysitter and wasting your money. You can pay for a babysitter when you already have a date set up. If you prefer to date someone who already has children, I suggest www.singleparentmeet.com. Good luck!

Hi, I can't say that I've had the same experience with my daughter, and I really know nothing about colic, except that I am sorry that you've had to endure it.
This probably sounds silly to you, but do you let your son lay in his crib for a while, without picking him up when he's crying? I'm one of the lucky few that had a baby that completely sleeps through the night, and takes good naps, from 2 weeks on. but one thing i can say that i always do is, if she would cry (as a younger baby), or if she just stays awake rambling to herself (as a 22 month old now), i let her hang out in there for a good half hour, and usually she does go back to sleep. i want to go get her so badly, but i know, as a human being, she needs to be able to deal with herself on her own.
your info said that you have an older baby too, so you probably know exactly what i'm talking about already, but i just thought i'd share, in case i could possibly help.

I think it is honorable of you to put your son first. But that is not to say you can't keep your eyes open -- think of it this way, any man that is worth marrying should be good w/ kids and that includes 2 yr olds. Good luck finding someone worthy of you and your son.

Hi! I am sure you will get tons of responses! I would suggest not going looking for a date, but if one comes your way through work or other activity then go for it. Don't go out to clubs or bars looking to date, because you don't want to date anyone that spends thier free time there! It will not be a start for a healthy relationship for you or your son. Pray and ask God to send someone special your way. He will in His timing.

You're going to get varing opinions here...this is mine. As hard as it will be, wait until he is much older, like 18 and out of the house.

Your own words speak volumes and you are on the right track. "I find it hard to date because I dont want to bring men around my son and I cant put myself in a position where I ignore my son or my date. "

**Treat yourself as you would want your son to treat women when he is grown and dating. He will learn from your example.**

The time that your son needs and the time that a relationship needs don't mix. You can't give equal attention to both. Your son has to be your first priority. Based on my sisters actions, (on marriage #3) the child becomes secondary to the boyfriend. I work in a school and this is extremely evident as well. It is so heartbreaking to see the look in a child's eyes when Mommy (or daddy) has to rush them from daycare to be dropped off somewhere else because they are late for a date. The mother of a girl in my girl scout troop use to participate in our events and volunteer. Now that she is dating again, we rarely see her.

I realize these are choices others make. It is possible to date when your son is with his dad and leave that separate fromyour son. But inevetibly the two usually coincide but at what expsense... What happens to your son if a relationship doesn't work out after a long while? It won't effect him when he is little but think of the what he could learn from this situation about commitment, etc.

Were you married to his dad? Why are you not together? What relationship will your son have with his Dad? Your son is the innocent one and I know you have his best interest in mind.

Unfortunately, certain type of men look for single woman who may "need to be rescued." Often these men have undesirable behaviors that could harm you or your son. Whenever you decide to date be extra cautious, don't introduce your son to him after you really know this person and his family (a year or 2). Don't let anyone come between you and your son.

When your son is older, if you decide to date, whoever you're dating is not in charge of your son, don't allow him to discipline or make important decision as the person you are dating is not a parent. If you side with a boyfriend over your son there will definietly be trouble, resentment, anger, etc. You are a parent first and foremost. When you decide to date, don't move in with anyone until after a marraige. Take everything extremely slow and the right thing will happen in due time.

Mine may not be a popular opinion but it is what it is. I hope you do the right thing for you and your son.

You really should wait until the child is 18 but if you must date, do a background check on your potential date as a single woman with a minor child is a prime target of perverts. THE most dangerous thing that a woman can do is live with a man who is not the biological father of her child. Married to a man is somewhat safer. If the child is male, he is more likely to be abused by the "stepfather". Please check out what I am saying. The statistics are out there. If you want a positive role model, please try an uncle, grandfather, cousin, etc before you so the dating route. My cousin was abused by his stepfather, who seemed like such a nice man. If you date, please try going through a religious group or an introduction from mutual friends that have known this person for a least 10 years. Also do the background check. If you think I am trying to scare you the answer is yes.

Hello,
I am in a similar situation - I have a two year old little girl, have been separated from her dad for a year, soon to be divorced... I feel the same way as you - working full time and trying to run a household takes all time away from even THINKING about dating anyone. It is difficult to make time for someone else, as we need time for our babes AND time for ourselves. I was very against hanging out with any potential dates with my daughter. Now, although not dating anyone, I have re-thought things, and think that if we do spend time with men, that is OK. I don't want to get too serious too soon, as my daughter may get too close to them, and if it doesn't work out, she may suffer a great loss. My general thought is as long as you are not neglecting your son for a man, and as long as he is not spending the nite with your son's knowledge, it is probably OK. We are adults, and we do need adult relationships! If you would like, please email me direct - I know being a single mommy is tough, and I don't have all the answers, but I would love to have other thoughts on how to do this!!
LL

hi T., Sorry I am old fashion so my first question to you is are you divorced or just seperated? if you are divorced, there's nothing wrong with you dating, een though you have a 20 month old. You are so right about not wanting to bring men around your son. Most small kids relate a man and woman together as mommy and daddy, and that's what happened to my nephew, my sister divorced her first husband my nephew was 3, and of course she started dating right away, but every guy she dated she brought around her son, and so he started calling every one of her dates daddy, to make a long story short to this day he is a mess, and has had one failed relationship after another. But by all means date, let who ever you are dating know that your son comes first, keep your dating pure, for you and your son, if you meet someone special, and it looks like it may lead to something, great, the day he puts a ring on your finger as a promise to marry you, then introduce your son to him, this is just my opinion, i'm 51 years old and i have seen so may lives of children trmatized becaue parents just havent handle things well, especially in my sisters life, and many of my single daycare mom's lives. Not all men are turned off by small children, when my brother met his present wife, she was a single mom of a 2 year old little boy and a 7 year old little girl, I told do not marry this women unless you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can love her kids, because this is a packaged deal. Well they got married, and they have been married for about 13 years now, and when his step daughter turned 18 her fathersday gift to my brother was she took is last name in court, tears just drained from his eyes, so there are men out there that love children ay any age, bar's and clubs are not the place to meet this type of man, they met at a Bible talk,
I think when yo find Mr. right is when you are not loking, that's what happened in my case, and last month on the 13th we were married for 27 years. You alredy sound like a great mom, he's out there, set some standards for yourself, and you will find the right guy for you and your son. Let e know how things turn out, i love a good how we met story. J.

T., I am a single mother with a 14 month old son. Not sure if I agree with many of the comments you've received.

One - Why would you wait to introduce your child to someone you are dating? If they aren't interested in being in your child's life, it's better to know sooner than later. Your child will always be there, and if they don't like it, they should not get involved with you. I am not in favor of dating someone for a period of time, and then introducing your child. It's like hiding a lover, and I don't think it's a good thing for your potential mate or your child.

Two - What are you waiting for? Date NOW.

Three - The "don't look for love it will find you mantra" is 100% rubbish. You aren't going to meet anyone by sitting in your house (unless they are a repairman!) Why be passive about dating? Get on match.com or another website, go to fun events - with or without your child - and stop waiting for life to happen to you. Make it happen! Life is short!

Wow, I was reading some of the responce you got and some seem very judgemental...I think life is about balance. Its easy for a women who is married and not in your shoes to say you should sacrifice the next 18 years and is all about your child. Sounds like you have a great bond and relationship with your son already. You need to fulfill your own needs as well to stay strong and happy so that you can be the best mom possible. I was a single mom for a long time and I did not introduce guys that I dated to my son until I felt they were "keepers". The few that there were..This way he isnt confused or getting close to someone that wont be around long. Is his dad not helping by taking him for visitation so you have some "me" time? Do you have any family here? It would be great to have a support group of women to help you out..Have you thought about working from home? I have a home based business and I work with a large amount of women, many who are mom's too..If you would like to come and meet some of the other moms, write back and Ill let you know the next time we get together..Im in the valley so not too far from you.
Good luck..D.

You don't say how long it's been since you have been separated from you baby's father!! I think, baby steps are appropriate!! It's hard to find a good man and men have a different way of looking at life now!! There are some good ones out there, just keeping looking!! I think you'll know when your ready, listen to yourself!! Good Luck

V.

I am also in the same situation you are but my son is 10 months. I thought his father would be the one then as we grow he continues to be verbally abusive to us and cant seen to hold a job. Where do women our age find good men? Keep me up to date and good luck

if you are thinking about it you are ready to date, you just arent sure how to begin, i started by going out with my friends alot, i never bring my kid on a first date, but i make sure anyone i go out with knows i have a wonderful child, guys who are good with kids or like them , dont care how old your kids are, if you become intrested, do activites together with your child and your new friend, it is fine for your child to be around anyone you consider a good partner, plus the way he reacts will tell you alot about him and if you even want to pursue a relationship, just to kinda see the other end, i dated a guy with 2 young boys, my daughter is 15 now but was 11 then, i never brought her over because i wanted to get to know him just us two, first, first date his kids were there, 2nd 3rd 4th, hed just got divorced as i, and his ex has the same name as me. i pulled him aside our 5th date(witch was always movie and dinner at his house) and said i like your kids and i like you, i think your a great dad but i feel im being pushed into new mom stats, and weve never had 1 date alone to even get to know you, were always taking care of the kids and im not ready, so i think if you look at both sides and are honest things will work out for the best, he wasnt ready either, he just wanted the familiar back, i am now married to a wonderful man who loved my daughter soon after he met her, and shes an abnoxious teenager, and she loves him more thn her real dad, we want to have a baby some day, but if we never do it wouldnt matter because he loves her, and me, and knew we were a package deal, good luck! if you have any specific ? ill do my best to help, if i know 1 thing its relationships.

I have been a single mom for 4 years now with a 12 year old son and 2 young adult kids and understand your concerns. The right time to start dating is when you feel you have no emotional issues left from your last relationship. Everyone is different.

Your son will be happy if you are happy and provide a loving home where his and your needs are getting met. The right man will love you and your son, although it seems men and kids have an easier time accepting each other when kids are very young. Again, the right person accepts you for all of you, your son included.

You are right in not involve your son with men your date until your serious. It doesn't mean you can't meet men as friends while with your son, such as through church events and keep in a social setting. Your son would benefit from being in social situations with positive male role models. Just keep your romantic life separate from your son until it's serious.

My youngest son was 7 when my husband left our family. He is happy. Although I have not date over the last 4 years, it's because I chose to focus on me and my kids (2 are in college). All my kids would love for me to find someone to share my life with. There are benefits either way as long as your son sees you happy. As long as your son is kept out of the dating and receives the love and stability he will be fine. If you find the right person to share your life with, it will be a blessing for all of you.

I wish you well and let me know how it goes.

Hi T.! I feel for you. I was/am in your same situation. I had a hard time dating because of not having a babysitter, and eventually just gave up trying for a while. I figured that my time needed to be devoted to my kids, and that when they were "grown", that would be my time to play. Well, I still feel that way, but sometimes I want company; someone else to talk to other than my kids! So, what I started doing was, when I would meet a guy (I'm a homebody because of my kids so meeting men usually happened at the grocery store or on the street, etc.) I would talk to them on the phone for a while, then when I felt comfortable, I would invite them over, but ONLY after my kids went to sleep. (btw... I do not condone inviting strangers into your home, but I felt comfortable with the person the times I did it) Twice these men turned into something other than a boyfriend, so eventually, I brought them around my kids and let them meet each other. Well, it hasn't worked out really with either of them, although one is still in my life for some stupid reason (that's a story in and of itself!). Anyway, I have always felt strongly that it is important not to have "men" (in a sense of boyfriends) around my kids; I do not want to give them the wrong impression, and still feel that way. With kids, it's really hard to bring someone in, because of the potential of that person not being around forever, and your child(ren) becoming attached, but sometimes you have to ask yourself if it is worth the risk. I usually say no, but a couple of times I have fell into the trap that my friends set me up for - that I need to meet a good guy for me and my kids, get married, blah blah blah. The only difference is, I have no intention of ever getting married. This is just how my life has been for almost 15 years, and in no way is it me trying to convince you to do the same. I'm just sharing my experience with you. Best of luck to you :)

Pardon me for saying so but it seems to be all about you. Your child is of first importance, build your social life around him. Single parent groups might be an option. The comment about men don't want to be bothered with babies kind of yanked my chain. You gave up the right to first consideration when you had the baby.

When I quit looking I found the man of my dreams. We are still together after 13 years and madly in love. Live your life and you might find someone that lives life like you do.

hi,

you stated 'older seems more convenient as men do not want to be bothered with a young baby'.

if the men you will see, concider ur baby bothersome, then they are not worth ur sons time.

Hi T.,

Have you looked into an organization called "Parents without Partners"?........that may be a way for you to connect with other parents and socialize without the pressure of dating right now. I am a single parent also, so I know how difficult it can be.

Best wishes!

You should not date until your son is up and out. He doesn't need the drama of your failed romantic relationships. He doesn't need your attention subdivided between him and some guy. He doesn't need to wake up to some guy in his mommy's bed. You should take the next 18 years and focus on being his mommy. Put him first -- that is the commitment you made when you chose to bring a child into this world. Feel free to have friends, go out in groups, be social. But don't date.