When Should I Tell My Son..?

Tell him as soon as you can in a gentle way that he can understand without giving too much detail, and then as he gets older and can understand more, give him more information. I think it's important for him to know young, while it's not going to be a huge deal for him - then he will always know - it won't be a huge shock to him later. I was adopted by my parents as a newborn and they told me from the very beginning. I don't remember the exact moment they told me, because I was so young and I just grew up knowing. As I got older I asked more questions as they came to me. I know kids that weren't told until they were older and it was a huge shock and they felt betrayed because this major secret about themselves had been kept from them. He has a right to know, and even though it may be hard to tell him, in my experience it is the right thing to do. Good luck.

Okay, this may seem odd, but I suggest you go to the Adoptive Families website for advice. I realize that YOU are the biological mother, but there is so much good advice about sharing thinsg with kids of various ages (like talking about bio siblings) that it may help you come up with an approach.

Good luck!

Have you considered talking to a counselor about this. They would good insight and would be able to help everyone understand and deal with something this big and kinda confusing for a little kid best of luck!

You must tell him. I was adopted at birth so I don't even remember being told but I do know that if I had found out later, I would have felt deceived. At four in a half, explanations are relatively simple to the explanantions you will need to give a young man who 'accidently' finds out the truth.

I would just say, "Daddy is adopting you which means he loves you more than anything and wants you to know that he will be here for you forever. " Depending on what he asks next, depends on what you say next. Does he know you need a mom and a dad to make a baby? If so, speak in the simpliest terms possible. "Daddy didn't help make you but he loves you more than anything and he helps everyday to raise you".

I think making sure a four year old knows he is loved is the most important aspect of the conversation you should have with your son. My mom told me that God chose us to be together; that we were meant to be and that my bio mom loved me so much she wanted the best life for me. This answer my mother told me as a child has 'worked' all of my life and I am 41.

Please be truthful. Good luck.

Living the truth is so much easier than living with a lie or secrets.

I LOVE the way Tori said it. Made me choke up.
"You know, Daddy isn't your biological daddy because I didn't know him when I was pregnant with you, but he is your real daddy because he loves you and always will.". ~Beautiful and perfect.

Also your son is going to be in kinder soon and once kids go to school there is a lot of discussions about all sorts of families. Your son will not be alone. His situation is becoming more and more common.

There is nothing shameful or scary about his life. He needs to be able to embrace his truth. He also needs to know his parents have always been honest with him.

As the mother of an adopted child I can tell you what most adoption professionals say -- the child should always know that he or she was adopted. I think the same would be true for your son. As Bobbi said, he should be told in the most positive terms. Because it is positive! You can tell him he does have 3 half brothers and a half sister, and by the time he is six I would have made arrangements for him to be in contact with them, in person if that is possible.

My daughter is 16 now. I've told her everything I know about her birth parents. She has a picture of her birth mom. When she's 18, I'll help her search for her birth parents if she is interested. She is well adjusted and her adoption is just a fact of her life.

Honesty is always best. You know he will eventually find these things out. He just will. So you should be the one to explain it to him in simple terms -- that his daddy now is not his birth dad but loves him so much he wants to adopt him! You can explain that adoption means he is a "real" dad and that he will love and take care of your son forever. That's what a dad does.

My step-dad adopted me when I was young. I knew I had a birth dad, but nobody told me I had three half siblings. When I did find out, I was angry that my parents didn't tell me. I got in contact with them when I was finally out on my own in college, and we have been good friends ever since. It would be awful to have been deprived of them my whole life!

However you tell him, make sure to make it joyful and positive. The sooner the better.

I have to agree with telling him. Tell him now and get it over with. There will be very little resentment with a 4 year old. He can understand the basics of it and will grow up knowing the truth. Don't do this to him when he is a teen or adult, it could devastate him. He will not love your husband any less b/c of this news and I do not think it will ever come back to bite him (like child saying but you're not my dad, etc. ,etc.)

I think you just need to be straight and say You know, Daddy isn't your biological daddy because I didn't know him when I was pregnant with you, but he is your real daddy because he loves you and always will....something to that extent. Do it now so that he will always know and I think it will leave less room for questions and hurt feelings.

It is best to tell him in terms he can understand. Don't go into a lot of detail at this age.

I have an adopted son who came to live with us at 5 weeks old. As he got older we wanted to tell him but he would do something that would change our timing. We had friends that he called mom and dad and he asked us if he had any other moms or dads and we said to him yes. And explained to him what had happened he was about 8. He want off and was happy. To this date he has not wanted to find either one of them and he is now 37. So it is best to know but be positive. We explained that his parents were young and that they wanted the best for him and that is why we got him.

Good luck to with your timing and explanation.

The other S.

When to tell him, perhaps when he is old enough to start putting 2 & 2 together. So if he has questions, answer him.

How to put it to your husband, all of your friends and family know about this and you have no control over what they tell your son. So you would rather it come from his parents, which would be the right way.

So for now, perhaps you and your husband can agree on an age and time to sit down and talk to him about it, or if the alternative is to just answer his questions as they come about, whether the question be directed at you in the ride home from school or him while out playing ball.

If you keep this from him he will resent you, and if at all possible you should also find a way for him to have his half brothers and sisters in his life, and his bio dad if he is willing and able. I would tell him now, so there will be no confusion or hurt feelings later.

Lying to kids about their parents is ALWAYS a mistake. If you plan to ever tell him, you should start telling him now. Otherwise he's going to think (rightly so) that you lied to him all this time. Kids can't understand why their parents would lie... but they do feel betrayed.

Start weaving meeting his dad into the story of his life. When you're looking at pictures etc, show him baby pictures from before you knew his dad and then show him pictures right around the time you met him and tell him "and this is when we first met Daddy." He doesn't know enough about babies and families for that to confuse him, and the sooner he has that in his consciousness the less it will matter.

As for the adoption, I'd just tell him the truth. "Since we didn't know Daddy when you came out of my tummy, the doctors didn't write his name down as your father. Daddy is going to adopt you so that we can all have the same last name and so that Daddy's name is written down as your father."

As he gets older you can make the story have more pieces. You can start including the first name of his biological father, etc.

HTH
T.

I don't know the answer, but it seems to me, the sooner he knows, the less of a big deal it will be. But until he understands the birds and the bees it won't mean anything to him. I might mention the issue of addotion and that he was your baby before you married his dad, but I may not mention that there is a "donner" until he understands how babies are made.

You should tell him and I think the sooner the better. I think adoption is a wonderful and beautiful thing. My sister adopted her second son, who is now 4, and they have always been open with him and his brother that he was adopted. They have done it in such a way that he knows he is special-
I think if you told him something along the lines of "you were ready to come down to mommy before mommy met daddy"
On the other end- my sister in law's best friend was adopted when she was a baby but for some reason the adoption was never made legal until she was 12- so the parents never told her. She figured it out on her own and was very resentful towards her parents for not telling her for quite a while(she is now 17)
I think that it's important to be open and honet about this and to also let him know that although his daddy may not be his biological dad- he is still his daddy in every way that counts and always will be.
Best of luck!
~C.

I think it's something you and your husband need to talk out and agree upon. I'm sure your husband's fears are valid. Your son needs to feel loved and wanted, and your husband is probably looking out for his best interests. It shouldn't be something entirely emotional, I think, if you do broach the subject. My mother told me when I was 9 years old that my step-dad (who was the only dad I'd known) wasn't my real dad. She waited to do it until my father wanted some part of my life. It bothered my step-dad, but I made sure to comfort him and let him know that I loved him and he was my dad, no matter who was biological. Eventually I got curious and wanted to meet him, but my mother was very logical about it. "You know that Dad loves you and has always taken care of you, but he's not your real father." and it didn't matter to me. I knew who I'd always known and that was all that was important.

I agree its a good idea to tell him and not keep it from him. I would tell him about the adoption long before the half siblings. That can wait until he is a little older or starts asking more questions. I am not sure if he would get it at 4 1/2 but think most kids would by age 6. Tho with the adoption coming up I am pretty sure I would try and explain it to him now. Even if he doesnt get it all the way. He has the right to know what is going on even at 4 1/2. Good luck.

I agree that he should be told--but not yet. Wait until he's about 8-10.

That's certainly a tough question to answer. I would google it. I'm sure there is a ton of information on situations like this and the best way to handle it, offered by psychologists and other persons qualified to actually help. I know I am not qualified!

I would tell him when he asked and be honest but I personally think he is a bit young to be told now and it would be very confusing while being adopted and told at the same time. If he would ask questions about the adoption that demands a real answer then tell him only what is necessary at this point. He needs time to adjust to the adoption before he has to handle more.

Does your son already know his full name? My daughter is 3 and knows hers. I would suspect that with the adoption would come a name change and that could confuse your son now. I suggest that for now, you just tell him that he didn't have his daddy's last name and you have made a change so he could. When he gets older (every child is different) you tell him the truth because from a medical history point it is very important. Also, he can still meet his siblings but doesn't need to know they are his siblings until after he knows the truth about his dad.

Speaking from experience as a child with a donor and a father. I agree with your husband. Don't tell him. Don't have anything to do with his donor's family. He has a dad, he's had him since he was 9 months old. There is no reason to destroy a 4 year old's perception of his father. I know you want to be honest, but telling him would just lead to more questions. You certainly don't want to tell him about his half siblings at this point. That would lead to him constantly wondering about them and wanting to see them. There is no sense in laying this on him at his age.
When he is older, an adult but before he gets married, you and his dad sit down and tell him the truth. His bio father was not a good man, but he has a wonderful dad who loves him very much.
At that age he will be able to understand and properly process the truth. At 4 1/2 he certainly can't!

I think you need to tell him, simply because he'll be confused about the adoption if you don't. But because he's young, you need to keep it very simple...Another man helped make him, but your husband CHOSE to be his dad. So he knows he's loved by the father he knows. You don't have to go into anything about his biological father or that he left or anything....just explain that it was someone else who helped make him. As he gets older, he might have questions, and then you can answer them. As long as he knows your current husband as daddy and he knows daddy loves him, that's the important thing.

In my opinion, telling them about biological parents involves telling them about sex. So until you are ready for that discussion, you should just have your husband adopt him privately.

I think you should wait until he's about 8. (They can hear about sex at 8.) Then you should put it in a positive light. I think it will be really cool for him to find out he has other siblings.

I love the way Laurie phrased it, and I don't think it's harmful to tell him now if that's what you choose, and you put it like that. I'm just not sure how to explain biology without sex.

I am not sure when or how you should tell him, but I wanted to share our family's issue with this. My mom left my dad after 35 years of marriage. My dad was really ill and was in the hospital. While he was sick, I heard through the grapevine (friends of 1 of my brothers) that my oldest brother was adopted by my dad (at what age we don't know). I did confront my dad, and he confirmed it but declared very passionately that my oldest brother is very much HIS son. Since my dad was in the hospital I didn't push for answers at that point. He died a few months later and my mom 8 months after that.
Now my oldest brother has, and has always had some mental issues, on top of ADHD. When I found out the news I didn't, and still don't, look at him ANY different, he is still and will always be my brother, and my dad had raised him since he was 3, so I feel like my dad, is OUR dad.
Through this whole ordeal he will only talk to people he knows for sure knows he was adopted (our aunts). He has expressed that our mom told him to keep it a secret, and me and our other brother should never, ever find out. Now, after 2 years after our parent's have passed away his biological family is contacting him, which is causing him un-needed anger, and anguish. He is still having a hard time dealing with our parent's death, and now this.
I personally do not know why our mother insisted on keeping this from everyone, or why our dad went along with it. All I know is, now that they are gone, my brother is hurting, doesn't understand why some of the family knows this secret, his biological family wants to be involved in his life, and I can't help him with it. I have decided I am going to tell him I know, and it changes nothing, but I need to do this in person, and I do not live by him.
If my mother was still alive it would still be a much gaurded secret.
I personally would never lie to my kids about it. It doesn't make the adoptive parent any less their parent. Eventually the truth comes out, whether you want it to or not. I would tell him when you think he will be able to understand it. Good Luck!

He is WAY to young now and won't understand. Wait until he is passed his teen years and almost into adulthood...maybe. But def not anytime in the next few years...what4 year old wouldn't be confused as hell by all of that?
Yo hubby IS his dad....he did the raising, paying, loving and caring for your son...and his son! Never forget that. It mattersnot that your sn has half siblings, they are NOT a part of his life...move forward! When you do finally tell him about the stoy, be sure that you let him know how much his dad loves him, your hubby. That the other guy was a mistake and didn't want to man up...so your hubby has taken care of him. There is no real reason for him to know aside from family issues with medical or whatever.
I would wait til he was much older, if I ever did tell him. It won't benefit him to know. He will be confused and possibly hurt by the neglect of the jack*** that didn't want anything to do with him. He has a dad and that's all that matters, count your self lucky! Not many men superhero up like that and take someone elses son as their own, and he is adopting him! You have a keeper!
As for the day of adoption, he is 4 and won't understand the legal stuff....all he needs to know is his name is changing legally if he doesn't already go by your hubby's last name. How do you get a lil one to understand that? Who knows...so the less you have to explain, the better. Play that day by ear.
Good luck, God bless, and count your blessings!

No matter how you look at it,sooner or later you will have to.Now is the best time to tell him cuz kids are amazing at forgiving and their unconditional love for you will last only about 7 more years and after that is not as easy.You will do no wrong in their eyes at this age but if you waited too long,things change.Besides the biological father is not in the picture so your husband is really the only father figure he really look up to.Make sure that your husband is in this conversation with you.He can be the voice of reassurance.THat is what every boys want from their fathers.Just be calm and trust your heart and you'll do fine.

I think he is too young to understand, but not too young to be told. You need to tell him, but tell him slowly, a bit at a time. You may casually mention something to him, and then a bit more, etc. That way it is just always something he knows and not a big announcement. You shouldn't sit him down and tell him everything, or it will make a really big deal out of it. Let him know that it isn't a big deal and that while dad didn't help "make" him, he is choosing him.

I am with your husband. I do not see the benefit of even making this a deal at all. If your husband has taken your son in as his own then let it be. What in the world is so necessary about the technicality. I have a friend whose brother was told at about 12 and to this day he is still devastated.

You husband is your son's dad, the other family is just not important, they are not there nor do they want to be. It is all in YOUR attitude, you are a complete family, let it be and enjoy!

Good luck.

I personally think now would be the time to tell him. Before he starts school or is under much peer pressure etc. it's better now than when he will be embarrassed & feel like he has been lied to his whole life.

Seek counseling with your husband about the approach or see if there are any books at a bookstore or library on this topic.

My family was filled with situations like this one. Seems to be a modern problem these days. I found that with my aunt and my cousins to be the best example for you. My aunt left my cousins father and remarried to my current uncle when my cousin was still a little buddy. He never had any contact with his biological father at all and also had siblings. When my cousin was somewhere between 5 and 7 yrs old she finally sat him down and explained the situation to him. She made it so that the conversation was very open allowing him to ask questions. Once he warmed up to the idea she expanded to showing him picture, then talking to his father, and eventually calling and visiting. She choose this age because she felt as though it was an age where he could still begin a relationship with is father and new family (if its an option) but he was old enough to understand what she was telling him. Now as for your husband... It is natural that he is defensive of the situation because he obviously sees your son as his son (or he wouldn't be adopting him right?). Explain to him that regardless of whether or not the child knows who his biological parents are he will love those who where there, who cared and who presented themselves as mom and dad.