What Age Is Best to Explain Your Child's Dad Isn't Their Biological ?

I believe younger is better while you possibly have more control on how to sping the situation. My situation was different but when I was 10 I started to ask my parents if my mom was pregnant with me when my parents married because the math didn't make sense and both she and my dad denied it. While I knew, it wasn't until I was 14 that my dad finally admitted that I was correct and I was devistated. Not because she was pregnant with me when they got married but because I felt my parents did the one thing to me that was unacceptable for me to do to them...lie. At 10 they had would have had more control over how to spin the story then they did on a hormonal 14 year old and I did not take it well. I believe if you tell him sooner, rather than later, he will take it better. Good luck!

I vote for the same time as the sex talk... which will probably happen this year or next year. Most kids are so grossed out by the concept, that I'm willing to bet not having participated in something so disgusting may earn dad some points / impact be absorbed by other such 'hilarious' (aka gross things). The conversation can pretty easily blend from making a baby to being a parent being wildly different things.

Fair warning, by 8, if you haven't had the sex talk already and are brining up genetics... be prepared for it to launch into the sex talk.

I think now is a good time. He is old enough to understand and young enough that when he gets old enough and looks back he will feel as if he had always known the truth.

I imiagine it will be difficult but be strong...I truly believe that being honest and doing it sooner rather than later is the best way.

Lots of reassurance that he is loved and that nothing will change is important too!

I think now (8) is a good age. Ages 9 and up can start changes in emotional maturity that might cause him to take the information even harder. I have friends that were told later, and yes, they were angry and felt lied to.

Oh hun you're about 7 years too late in bringing this up, so yeah, now is better than later. My oldest son's father has never been in the picture either but he's known about that fact his whole life. It's never been a secret, it's just part of his life story (and that of his younger half-siblings who know that my husband is not the biological father to my oldest son). He will feel like you lied to him, because you did.

If you have counseling benefits through your health insurance, you might want to schedule a few sessions for you and your husband so that you can talk through the best approach with a professional and prepare yourselves for how to best read your son's cues about how he responds, how much extra info to give him, etc. Depending on his personality, this could just roll off of his back or he might be really upset with not only you, but your entire extended family who also knew the truth. You need to anticipate his questions and be really solid in your story about why this guy isn't in his life. With my son, the story has simply been that parenting is a big responsibility and his birth father wasn't ready for that responsibility so he moved far away, near where his parents had moved to. All of that is true, and I left out the ugly parts. Your son's story will obviously be tailored to his life, but make sure you are as neutral as possible. One thing I was strongly advised was to not bring up any negative personality traits or actions of the absent parent, because the child may feel like he's 50% that person so maybe he's partially "bad" (or impulsive, irresponsible, mean, etc.) too. The truth will speak for itself in real time. Also, he may take it in when you first tell him, ask nothing, then bring up questions out of the blue at random times. You'll also have to tell your younger children and be prepared for questions from them (also at random and inopportune times).

At the end of the day, the repeated message will be something like Daddy loved us so much that he chose us to be his family and I loved Daddy so much that I picked him to be your new dad because I knew that he was kind and loving and would be a wonderful father to you. Good luck with this - and please tell him soon!

My nephew is 10 and has no clue his dad is not his bio dad. My sister has been lying to him all these years. You are lying to your son. Not just a little lie. A life changing lie. I think that is wrong. I am not sure how you tell a young child this early on but I know if I had ever been in that situation I would have found some way. Your husband is his dad though not his stepdad. I think you should tell your son now. He is young and will forgive you if he gets older he may not. He may feel his whole life is a lie and you were the liar. I don't mean to sound harsh but this strikes a nerve with me since I have a situation similar in my family. I hope you grow the courage to tell your son the truth. Have your husband there. Go talk to a child phycologist alone and get some advice and then if you feel he may need to talk to someone to deal with whatever his feelings are then you have someone who knows your situation. Your son may not be as sensitive as you think and may not really care. He may be perfectly fine with his life. You won't know until you tell him.Good luck to you.

I'm going to disagree with most here. Only because I am in your situation. My daughter is 14 and I still have not told her. Don't get me wrong - she does have an idea, only because my husband did not come into her life until she was 6. It has subtly come up, and when it does, she really doesn't want to talk about it. If she really came to me and wanted to, I would. I won't lie.
I also have a friend with a daughter the same age in the same situation and she hasn't told her either. IMO, I think that waiting til an age that they can better understand it will be better for them. My husband now is more of a dad to my daughter than the POS who gave her life ever will be. I think he saw her once when she was 2 months old. My husband is her father. So why bring it up now? I am waiting until I can have more of an adult conversation about it with her rather than confuse her. My friend is doing the same.
Hope this helps.

The words Bio/birth Dad, and everyday Dad are useful in this conversation.

His dad, your husband, *really* is his dad. That's his Every-day-daddy, and he also has a biological father, someone who helped make him, but who wasn't capable of helping to raise him.

My suggestion is to start doing some reading with him NOW. Get out a series of books on the different ways different families look. Some people have one mama and one papa, some people live with their mama, some people live with their papa, some people live with two mamas, or two papas, some with their grandmother, some (like in my house) live with their Auntie, some people live with multiple generations, some have siblings, others don't, some have an everyday dad and a bio dad, some have an everyday dad and a step dad, and so on and so forth.

You know what is best for your family and it's important that you feel good about the way you bring this up.

My suggestion is to start introducing concepts of different family structure *before* you have start a series of discussions that introduce his own family of origin history.

While it is a lot for a child to digest (learning that their history is different than they've assumed/been taught), there is no shame in different family structures.

Also, don't hesitate to have a few professionals in his corner. You could speak with a child psychologist or two, and talk it out with them *before* you begin these discussions. Should you need help answering questions, or accessing support for him, they would already have a relationship with you and your family and could help him ease his way into the knew knowledge.

Our culture puts a lot of emphasis and importance in the "typical" (actually not as typical as we think ;-) family structure: one mom, one dad, and the kids all living under one roof. For those of us who don't fit in to that template, it does create some friction, simply because the "outside" doesn't treat our family structures as being as tight and as valuable. The books we read, the movies we watch, our cultural language (real dad vs. step dad), etc. emphasis this idea.

In fact, our relationships are just what they've always been. They're names may change, but our love and memories do not.

I'd also like to suggest that you don't wait until he is pre pubescent or pubescent when you have this discussion. Children in puberty are already grappling with identity, finding their place in this world, and sometimes struggle with a sense of belonging. It is an age that comes with new self awareness, and where children are questioning many assumptions and are exploring a sense of self. In my mind, puberty is a special, tender, and fragile transition, and is not the best time to present information that, under our cultural lens, can undermine our sense of identity.

Above all, I just wanted to put a shout of for your husband. He IS your son's real dad. Dad isn't the person who fertilized an egg. Dad is the person who taught kiddo to ride a bike, who chased away the 'monsters' in the middle of the night, who made french toast on Sundays, who read books, gave baths, wiped bums, tickled, laughed, and loved all these past years. A biological father is the person who fertilized an egg, 8 long years ago.

Your son may express curiosity and a desire to locate his bio dad. He may have fantasies about what his bio dad is really like (remember, under our cultural lens a dad - even when having not been present for almost a decade - is still DAD. A child imposes his/her idea of what fatherhood looks like onto this silhouette of a person. In his/her mind, all dads may have parented equally if only given a chance. We, as children and adults, get pretty wrapped up in hypotheticals and stories we tell ourselves. What actually happens gets wrapped up in every story we've heard, watched, wanted, rather than What Actually Is.) It's very normal for a child to want to know more about where they came from. To know what he looked like, sounded like, what he acted like, and why he left.

Big hugs, and good luck.

Ephie (Kinship provider, everyday Mother, and child whose (favorite and only sibling) and a different bio father)

As a Mom through adoption I was told to tell my daughter right away. Now that he's 8 you really need to tell him. Maybe you could go someplace where it's just your husband, son and you. Tell him that you had a relationship before and he is a product of that relationship. Tell him that man that helped bring him here wasn't responsible he never formed a relationship with your son. His father should help by telling your son how he felt about him when he met the 2 of you and then he should tell your son how much he loves him and that even though he didn't help in his birth he is his father.

Kids handle things better than you think. He may have sensed something which may have contributed to his being sensitive. You and your husband should be the ones to tell him instead of over hearing a family member mention how nice it was of your husband to raise your son as his own even though he isn't his by birth. With an adopted daughter you don't realize how insensitive people can be. Good luck and I'm sure everything will work out.

Now is good-- much better than in the middle of all the puberty hormones! And being told is SO much better than finding out!

I believe this information would be devastating to anyone, no matter the age. Do what feels right within your family.

This is his life and yes, 8 is an excellent time for him to be told.
I do not like secrets within families. I like to put all of the truth out there and discuss any concerns. It is stressful to everyone to have to keep these secrets and can make people not trust each other.

He will be able to ask any questions and you can explain you feel like he is mature enough now to understand that you all love him very much. And even though this father is not his biological father, he is his REAL father because he loves him so much and has been there all of this time.

Let him know he will probably have more questions over time and to please not be embarrassed or scared to hurt anyone's feeling by asking.

Just a random opinion here.....actions make a dad not blood.

I suggest you explain it to him NOW, and then explain it to him again next year and then talk about it again when he is ten etc etc. Do some reading, talk to a counselor, so you have the right words ready. Blank was the "first " dad but husband is the Forever Dad. (research how we explain to our adopted children what that means if you cant find help for your specific situation. My son has been told he did not grow inside me but his siblings did. He has been told there was another man who started him growing inside her. (Bio dad wouldnt mean anything to a child who doesnt understand genetics let alone sex.) He doesnt really understand what I'm saying but it will never be a surprise/shock to him. Borrow from library children's books about all different kinds of families. Love is a Family, Todd Parr books, etc The older he gets the more of a shock it will be! Good luck

Do it now.
My son was involved in our wedding so he always knew.
If you have pictures of the wedding between you and your current hubby them bring them out and show them to your son and then you can explain the family dynamic.
Always say that your hubby is Daddy. It only takes biology to father a child. This can also be segued into you don't want to father a child with some girl you don't love completely and want to marry, not now, when he is 15 or 16.

My niece is in the same position as your son. My sister told her before starting school simply because her last name was different. At 5 years old it was taken VERY well! The longer you wait the worse it will be. If for instance you wait until he was a teenager, he might feel betrayed that you kept it from him. If you want him to be open with you then you need to be open with him.
Explain to him that Daddy is still his daddy and loves him very much but the other guy is just his father. Explain to him the difference but reference one as his father and one as dad/daddy/whatever he calls your husband. Make it known that he's lucky to have such a great dad at which point your husband should also declare that he's also lucky to have your son.
As for the siblings that's irrelivent, they are still siblings and probably wont think anything of it!
Prepare yourself for the worse... it might take a few days of him being upset. I would definitely not do it during a high stress time with other things going on. Although I can say I know my neice was completely fine with it and she almost took it too well. Your son might as well.
Although, again I can't stress enough... the younger the better! Best of luck!

That woman who said you are lying does not have a good heart to say it the way she did. I would like to send her thorns. There have been some very loving ideas suggested by others on here. My son was 9 when I married his stepdad and he has 3 younger siblings through his stepdad. I can only share with you what has happened with my family. My son has always known the truth. He is 28 now and very distant from all of us. It is like her resents us. My situation was made worse by a controlling grandfather who kept interfering and getting in the way of my husband having a better relationship with him. At the age of 26 after counseling he did send a note to my husband apologizing for his behavior and seeing how my husband was trying to help him. He still continues to struggle with relationships. Whatever you do do it with LOVE. He needs to know how much he is loved and part of your family. You still have to tackle the younger siblings finding out too. iThey were confused and as they got older I gave them more details. One woman suggested counseling. I would strongly recommend it to guide you and monitor the situation.

I agree with the idea of telling him when you have the sex talk with him. That seems like a good time to explain it in a way that he can understand. Pointing out how a baby gets made, but what being a "father" really means.

Good Luck!

I guess I don't understand why all the negativity surrounding the truth. Your son has a bio dad. That doesn't make his dad now any less of a dad. Actually, it shows how much love he had for your son to raise him as his own. That's pretty cool. I also don't understand those who would withhold this information. I think all of us as individuals deserve to know the truth about who we are and how we became a person.

My bio dad was never in the picture, but my mom met a wonderful guy when I was 2 and she married him when I was 7 and he was the only dad I ever knew. He adopted me when I was 10. It was the coolest thing to know he loved me so much he called me his own. Chokes me up now to think about what a great dad he was. I miss him. It doesn't change the fact that I did have a bio dad and I inherited his genes and so he is a part of who I am today, even if he didn't raise me. I'm thankful I'm alive, partly due to him!

I also have one adopted child (and one bio child) and couldn't imagine not telling her the truth about who she is and where she came from. It's freeing to know that I don't have to worry about when is the right time to tell her. She's just always known. It's a part of who she is.

If you're feeling angst about this, then it's time to tell him. His story is great because he has two parents who love him. The younger the better because I can almost guarantee if you wait much longer he will realize you've been keeping this from him and that usually doesn't turn out so well. Family secrets are never very well accepted by the person who was kept in the dark.

I was adopted by my dad when I was about three. As a small child I knew my biological father so I was aware of what was going on. We moved out of state about the time I was adopted and I forgot about it all. I wasn't treated like an adopted child and I never had reason to question it.

When I was 11 an aunt of mine brought me in front of her friend who commented on how I didn't look anything like the rest of the family! Some people are very unfeeling and uncaring when it comes to a child's feelings. I was devastated! I knew it was true, as soon as this person made the comment. I think I was hurt more by the fact that my AUNT had paraded me in front of her friend, like some kind of freak, and that the comment was made in front of me. I later told my Mom, who answered all of my questions truthfully. She'd never kept the truth from me, but didn't think it was necessary to remind me of the fact. She didn't want me to feel different. I remember feeling hurt that my bio father didn't want to keep me, that he'd given up his rights as my father. I thought he hadn't wanted me. My Mom explained that he DID love me, and had given me the chance to have a father that he couldn't be. That my dad loved me so very much that he wanted to claim me as his own. That my aunt hadn't any right to do that to me. Her doing so was disrespectful of my dad's choice, of my Mom, and of me.

I don't really know what to advise. I just wanted to tell you what my experience was. Also, to watch out for family members who think they know better than you do. When you do tell him, answer his questions truthfully, if he has any. Be kind about his biological father, even if he doesn't deserve it. Maybe choose a time where he can have a few days at home to deal with things. I too was a sensitive child and cried any time I thought of it, for a while. I will pray that God will show you the best way to handle this. Hugs!

**** I've been thinking about you for a while now. I have one more thing to suggest: Start slowly. No child needs to be blindsided with something like this. Start by talking about when he was born, maybe show him pictures. At the same time, or later if you feel he isn't ready yet, talk about how you met his step-dad and how wonderful a man he is. Your son will start to put things together and you can tell him more as you feel he's ready or he will start asking questions. Try not to make it a big deal, maybe asking the adults in the family not to talk about it in front of him or their children. Without meaning to be unkind, the other children talking about it may make him feel self-conscious and separated. This is important knowledge, but it's knowledge that belongs more to you, your husband and your son. Don't let anyone pressure you to do anything you don't feel you or your son is ready for!

if he doesnt ask dont tell. wait until he is older to fully understand why and such. also remind him how much his dad loves him.

Do it when you think he is ready. as his mom, you will know when that time is. If you don't think hes ready, then I say wait. Just because your family thinks you should, doesn't mean you should do it. You'll know when its time. It won't be too late.
My friend had to do that with her son except that he had a brother that she gave up for adoption. She told him when he was 15 but she knew in her heart that he was mature enough at 15 to handle it.