Adoption of Grandson Final. Now 5 Years Old. Should We Tell Him?

I think you will scar him if you lead him to believe that you are his parents instead of his Grandparents and that his father is his brother. That is just too weird, sorry. You do not have him call you Mom and his Grandpa Dad, do you??? As long as he knows the truth that you are technically his grandparents, then being called "Mom and Dad" isn't that weird...ONLY if he knows the truth though!

Tell him the truth. Then everyone is comfortable and no-one has to lie.

please dont lie to him anymore. honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. if you truly love him, you will no longer lie.

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I think, at 5, he should know. If he is not in school yet, he will be very soon. It is not uncommon now-a-days for a Grandparent to adopt a Grandchild making it their child. Bottom line is the child that is adopted should know that they are adopted. He is not too young too understand but he will soon be too old for you to have kept it from him for so long. Take the fact that he is your son's son out of the equation. Would you not feel that it was important to tell him that he was adopted if you adopted him from someone else? I'm sure he goes to school with kids that are adopted. Be prepared for confusion since he thinks his real Dad is his brother and now you are going to tell him that he is natural father. School concelors might be good people to get involved. Tell him now, you don't want to wait until his teen years to tell him....that would be too much for any teenager to handle. Know that you will never and I mean never be able to keep this a secret forever! It's on his birth certificate...he will see that one day. This adoption should be handled like an open adoption would be handled, since he has contact often with his natural father. He should 100% know that he is who he is. What about his natural mother? There will be questions about her....be prepared to handle that as well. I agree with your daughter.... I wouldn't want to lie to him. He will resent everyone (including her) that has lied to him if you wait until he gets older. Unfortunately, it sounds like you and your husband want him so badly to be YOUR son and only YOUR son, that your judgement is being clouded about what is best for him. You are willing to stop seeing your daughter and other grandchildren so this child thinks that you are his real mother and father??? Does that even seem right to you?? A mother and father are not the ones that conceive you. A mother and father are the ones that are there for you, every day, good or bad. You should know that. He will figure that out, on his own, as he gets older. Good luck...it's still early enough for this to turn out okay but please don't wait any longer.

Lables aren't what makes a family, love is! Love that little guy and answer any questions that he has openly and honestly. Not sure about the circumstances of your adoption and reasons behind it (young father/drug/alcohol issues, etc) but you could always tell him that you adopted him because you could be better parents for him than his dad. I don't think that 5 is the age to drop the bomb that his brother is really his father, unless he remembers him as his dad? Divirce involved? Does he ask about his mom? Sorry...not sure.

If you want to tell him in a natural way that allows him to ask questions, vice have a "sit-down" to discuss it, you could check out the books available at www.adoptshoppe.com. You can create a customized storybook that tells how the adoption came to be and they can be modified for different situations. A lot of people on adoption blogs talk about how this has helped them to discuss it with their children.

He should know now, as in immediately. The younger he knows, the better. My brother was 4 months old when we adopted him, and he has always known he was adopted.

You shouldn't force your daughter to call him 'brother', or he to call her 'sister'... that is wrong on so many levels I can't get into. He can simply use first names to call relatives. When you talk to him about it, you should refer to your son as his birth father or biological father.

You are first his Grandmother, and secondly his mom. It would be very different if he were adopted outside of the family, he could call you mom, but biologically, it isn't and is just confusing for everyone. So simply put, he can call you mom or grandmom or mimi, and his adoptive dad, he can call dad, or grandad or whatever he feels comfortable with.

He just absolutely must know who is birth father is. Legally, when children turn 18, they have the right to make decisions such as that concerning their birth parents. Why make it a huge shock to him then, when he can gracefully learn to deal with it at a young age?

You should not avoid contact with his family to keep this a secret. How hurtful he would be to him, to know he lost his whole family because you all failed to give him some information regarding his lineage. Because eventually, he will find out, family secrets have ways of surfacing.

I tend to agree with your daughter. You can still be a loving a comfortable family situation if the truth is let out. Let his aunts and uncles be who they are. I can guarantee you if you let this go on much longer, a trainwreck is waiting to happen.

I am very familiar with a similar situation. My parents are raising my 2 nephews. They are their permanent guardians...they have not moved to the next step of adoptions. Although, I believe in the end it will be what's best for both boys. Who are now 6 & 4. The 6 yr old has been with my parents since he was 3 months old & the 4 yr old since he was 6 months old. They both have always identified my parents as grandma & 'papa', I am Auntie, and my bro & his now (wife) are their Mommy & Daddy. I would definitely not lie to him. Does he address you and your husband as MOm & Dad or something else?

I think in the end it will only cause confusion, now that he's 5 it might be slightly awkward and you might have to be very cautious in explaining it. But I wouldn't have any fear in telling him, but be prepared for lots of questions. Maybe not right away, but there will be questions. You never know how children adapt or process things. The one thing is for sure they are very resilient, and can handle a lot more than we think!! You know your grandson best, I would do what you feel is right for your family, but know the longer you wait the harder it may be!! And then if he finds out there is that chance that he will resent you two!!

But just to give you an idea, of how each child processes the same scenario differently. It was such a shocker to us, the other day when the 4 yr old had no idea that my bro was his Daddy..You would have thought the older one, would be the one who was confused. He was with my parents at an earlier age, and unfortunately for him, his parents weren't around at ALL. The younger one was with them until he was 6 months old, and they came over pretty much everyday, until my parents had to put a stop to it (it was causing the my older nephew to act out emotionally)......

My brother had stopped by for a quick swim with the boys. The 6 yr old was so excited and kept saying "Daddy look at me Daddy look at me" when he was jumping in the pool. When the 4 yr old interjected and asked "JJ who are you calling your Daddy?" My bro then asked him "you know who your Daddy is right" & the 4 yr old said "no" papa's my daddy right?". My bro then said he was his Daddy & papa was his papa!! But it was odd to us that he never made the connection and it was NEVER even hidden!! Ever since then tho, he calls my mom "mom" clear as day. Maybe he's making a statement maybe he just doesn't get it?

We have always let them identify us as they see fit. But nothing was EVER hidden from them. So even tho' your husband seems hesitant in informing him of who is his bio father, he doesn't need to fear that the child won't view him as his "father"! It's clear as day that my younger nephew, knows who his "daddy" his :)

Should've known from birth. Why on earth would you keep it from him that he is SO loved by you and your husband you wanted him for your OWN son?! It is a very diverse world these days Mama, a thing like that is only 'weird' to a kid if you make it that way.

I gave up my 1st child to my older sister. I was a kid myself but had enough sense to know I wasn't ready to be a parent. She and her husband legally adopted my child. She was supposed to be told about the adoption prior to starting Kindergarten, but was not. There was a house fire and they moved down her to Fl. My sisters reasoning was "she already has enough stress it isn't the best time to tell her and since we are no longer around people that know why tell?" It was her decision to make. Life went on. All were happy. I am her Godmother and Aunt and moved here 6 months after them as I could not stand to be away from her. Fastforward to when she is 16...my sister goes thru a mid life crisis. I am getting married for the 1st time. Perhaps it was jealousy or something else I do not know but 2 weeks prior to my wedding my sister told her about the adoption. She really wanted her to reject me and not be apart of my wedding. However My Daughter understood and all was well, at the time. Now a couple years later she has a baby of her own and be it hormones or just being a Mom herself she now does not talk to me at all. I can only guess being pregnant and giving birth brought out some emotions she never dealt with early in life.

Moral of the story, if you want to be a part of his life when he is an adult you better be honest his WHOLE life. Telling him later will cause harm you cannot imagine. It is heartbreaking to love someone so much and not be apart of their life or their kids lives!
Good Luck

I don't think that there is any reason to lie. You adopted him, you are his parents, and technically grandparents. If your daughter wants to be aunt Sara instead of sister Sara, she should be allowed to. Yes, he will ask questions, and there is nothing wrong with telling him the truth.

I have a cousin whose mom died when her sister was a baby. She adopted her. I know that she called her sister mom, and considered her nieces and nephews her siblings, but they all knew that they weren't. No one was scarred and she feels blessed to have had her sister who cared enough to step in.

Ok, Here it is. My personal story. I hope this helps you a little. Kids are amazing, and can figure out how to handle these things if we give them honest answers, in little increments, as they can deal with it at age appropriate times. Here it goes.....
We got custody of our 4 yr old nephew and 2 yr old niece a little over 5 yrs ago. (they are 7 and 9 now) When they came to live with us, they had never met us, and we were intoroduced as aunt and uncle. We also had 2 teenage daughters. They had been living with various family members for short periods of time, passed around from home to home. Our nephew, (the 4 yr old) did remember his father, and our 2 yr old niece seemed to as he was the one who actually brought the children to our home to live with us. (a quick 3 days visit and drop off) The 2 yr old did not speak when they arrived, so as she learned to talk, she copied our older kids and called us Mommy and Daddy, although at times she would call my husband daddy "---------" (insert his first name there) The 4 yr old called me by my first name and my husband by his first name as well, not even using aunt and uncle, as his speech was very bad too. (we were just happy that they were calling us anything) After a while our nephew began to refer to us at preschool as his "mommy and daddy", but still never called us that. One day he called me Mommy when he got hurt. He has always known that he had another Mom, (who he never sees and lives in another state), and another Dad. He just understood that he lived with us and we were going to take care of him like a mommy and Daddy would care for their own kids. I told him time and time again how lucky I was to finally have a little boy to take care of (I only had girls up to that point) and that he was a blessing. At night when I put him to bed he would tell me he was a lucky boy, and I would tell him I was a lucky Mom. One night, about a year after he lived here, he asked me if his other Mommy was dead, (she never called) and I said no. She just lived far away and coudn't see him or call him but she loved him very much. He asked me if I was his MOm now, and I said I was doing everything a Mom would do for him, and would love him as his Mom, but that he was a special and lucky boy because he gets to have 2 mommies, and 2 daddies, so he was especially lucky. He asked that night if he could call me Mommy. I told him he could call me whatever he would like to call me. From that next day on, I have been Mom. He said it about 80 times an hour the next 5 days, and worked our daughters into the setup as his sisters. The girls had come up with cute names like brouzin and cister. LOL! They were all aware that they were cousins who were living as a family, as siblings. They love each other UNCONDITIONALLY and would do anything for each other. The big age difference with the kids has been a blessing in that it actually is like having another set of Moms at times. My 20 yr old volunteers at school, and both girls have been girl scout volunteer leaders etc. These kids are getting the best care possible now! There is so much love available to them. My girls have learned so much, including that they in no way wanted to get pregnant and become teenage parents. (good one for me and the hubby!) A side note here, is that BOTH of my additions are special needs children, so they may have had a tougher time with the understanding of family dynamics. They have done wonderfully. Their bio dad has pretty regular phone contact, and does come for visits and occasional overnights with them. He is the "other Dad". My husband is their "real Dad" since he is the one they live with. Those are their words. My niece even did a paper at school once and had to draw a photo of her fav. uncle and drew her other Dad. I told her it was her Bio. Dad, not her uncle, and she said, "no, the teacher said your Uncle is your Mom's brother or your Dad's brother... so it's my uncle Daddy! " I have it hanging in our kitchen to this day! (their father is my husband's brother) There is quite an age difference between my husband and his brother, and I have photos of him(his brother) and myself when I was 18, and I showed the kids one day when we were looking through old family photos, and my niece asked me "oh, is that when you married our other Dad?" I had to re explain that I never married her other Dad, because she was under the understanding that to have them I must have married her other Dad too. LOL! I explain that her other Mommy had married her other Dad and had her in her belly and then they came to live here when they were older, and I have been the happiest I could ever be ever since! She gets a little confused at times, but it's worth it. She will never feel lied to, and she will totally understand someday. Their bio Dad tries to help too. (with the explanations) We don't tell them the reasons why they are here, except that we could take better care of them, and their parents loved them so much that they wanted them to get the best care they could, even if it meant missing them every day. The funny part is when I have parties and both Dads are here and parents from school jump to conclusions since I am the only Mommy, and think that I had my 2 older girls who are now 17 and 20 with my husband, and then had an affair with his brother and had my 2 younger kids who are 7 and 9, and then went back to my husband. Ok, yea, I am not Jerry Springer material here! LOL! Come on people! It's humorous! I say go with the truth. It's always the best! Do it for your whole family, and for yourself. You don't ever have to worry about what you said if you told the truth. Lies can come back to bite you, and hurt everyone. Please, the kids can handle it all. Even this young. All except for any painful reasons that they may take as their fault which are NEVER their fault. Keep those to yourself. Good luck. I don't usually share this long story in such a public forum, but it seemed like maybe the right time and place. I hope it helps you even if only a little! I wish you the best!!

Do you think it's OK for him to learn by accident that the whole family has been lying to him? I know a child who found out something similar at the age of 8. She was more than a little miffed, even at that age. You are not his mom and dad, even if you are "Mommy and Daddy". You can simply refer to his "brother" as his first daddy. Now he's the big brother, and probably a better one than alot of kids get. Whats-her-name is his "first mommy", and now you and your hubby (grandparents by blood) are simply stepping in to help the family. That means as grandparents, you are accepting the responsibility of raising this boy as your own, period. It doesn't have to be involved, it just has to be the truth. How can you ever teach this child to tell the truth if you can't?

From experience working in the foster care and adoption system, I have found it is always better to let them know early on . He can still call you mom/dad or whatever he calls you but kids this age are far more receptive to new ideas like adoption then they are as they get older. Your adopted son can know he has a father(which is his biological dad) and a dad which is your husband. You can explain the difference between being a dad which hangs out everyday, takes care of him etc and a father the person who created him. also you can't avoid the grandkids and your daughter forever, so he will find out and will be hurt that you didn't tell him.

good luck in whatever decision you make.

Tell him from the beginning, why lie at all?? Tell him you loved him so much you had to adopt him. Make it special and celebrate the adoption. Never hide where he came from ever. Its better to grow up knowing the truth. Because as he gets older it will be harder to accept. My niece just found out at 19 because no one could find the right time to tell her that the man who raised her was not her real dad. She found out through an email, how awful it was and is for her. I would start now telling him a wonderful story how it came about that he is now all yours. Good luck!

Tell him the truth now. Don't wait. I found out when I was 18 that my Uncle was actully my brother. He hated my Mom for not admitting that she was his Mother and dispised us other kids because our Mom kept us. I am not sure how old he was when he found out the truth but it should have been told to him up front from the beginning. He went to his grave with my Mom never having the guts to tell him she was his Mother and why she didn't keep him. If he had known the truth things would have been so different. At least I accepted him as my brother when I found out and we had wonderful times together. He would have easily understood if Mom would have had the guts to tell him the truth or if Grandma would have told him the truth. I asked my Dad why Mom didn't keep him and got the truth and then went and told him. He had no problem with that or the way he was raised. The only issue he had is was that he was deprived of his brothers and sister most of his life. Tell your adopted son the truth. Let him know who his real father is. You do not have the right to hide it from him. Some day the truth will come out and he will hate you for not telling him the truth from the start. Save yourself and him from all of this and tell him the truth. He deserves to know. My brother adopted our cousins baby when he married her mother. She was told the truth right from the start. She does not consider my cousin any thing to her other than a cousin and my brother was always her Dad and even though he has passed away he is still her one and only Dad. The truth is always better than a lie.

OK. There are a lot technicalities here and sensitive feelings involved. You have been open about him being adopted and that's wonderful. Waiting for your child's curiosity to take the lead is best, in my opinion. He feels no need to know or ask why at this point. You and your husband need to make the decision of what you wish to say when that moment comes. How honest you wish to be.....in other words, how detailed. His father was unable to care for him and you took over. That is admirable not shameful or embarassing. Your daughter may have other issues behind her feelings she is not relaying to you (jealousy, confusion, etc.). Ultimately, you are the parents regardless of the blood line and must remember who is in charge. Have them respect your wishes. If calling the "father" "brother" does not sound well for your husband, perhaps another term can be used.....you can even come up with your own terms. Labels don't really matter......they are not set in stone. Congrats on the adoption and enjoy your child!

I am confused about the fact that many people don't recognize adoption of a grandchild as becoming the child's parents. After legal adoption, whether grandparents or other, one has earned the right to be mom and dad. It may be confusing for the adult siblings, bit it is still a fact.I have not told my son that my youngest adult child is his bio-dad. He has been with us since birth. He knows he is adopted, but has had no interest yet as to who his bio parents are. He is also five. When he is old enough to understand, I will gladly tell him.His emotional welfare is my main oncern. If my adult child would have done what was right in the first place, none of this would be an issue. There are consequences for choices, and he lost his right to make the decisions in my son's life.

Don't lie. You'll pay for it later. Listen to your daughter. This could tear your entire family apart down the road and it's not worth it. Don't wait. Be up front and honest. That's how you would want this child to behave toward you. You have nothing to hide. You can explain the difference between the biological father and the father that raises you. Lots of kids in this country live that circumstance every day. "Father" is a verb of caretaking, teaching and love which is the role your husband has. The adjective "father" is for the biological dad with the bloodline. Trust me on this. You are playing with fire.

I honestly feel that things like this, are sometimes best told when they are little. Then it is just a WAY of life for the child. You simply say WE are your parents. Your BIRTH father is actually your brother, so and so. It just IS as it is. It is the facts. YOU are still his parents, but his birth father is who he is. It doesn't take away you being his parents any more than any adopted child. Love him and let him know. I wish you the BEST of luck with this as I'm sure this is very difficult to figure out.

I think you're an angel for raising your grandchild as your own.
However, I do think that making a big deal of this IS going to be harmful to him. There are so many types of family structures these days, the child's situation is nor all that uncommon. If you think it's something to hide, the child is going to think it's a bad thing.
I recently heard some good advice....never lie to a child. It's a hard thing to do. As parents, we even use little whitle lies to get out of purchasing a toy without a tantrum or to get a child to complete a task. This situation is a good start to trying to embrace the truth.
I think if you just treat the situation as a normal situation, the child won't think anything of it either. Don't say "Oh I have something to tell you...." like it's a bad thing. Talk to him about it in such a way that parallels the wonderful thing you are doing. If you tell him it's wonderful, he's going to think/know it's wonderful as well. (Positive positive positive)
You're a very special 'mommy' and your new son is going to be proud to have a mom like you. It sounds like he has a loving and protective new 'daddy' as well. Your new son is so very lucky.
Relax, casually tell the truth and embrace your family dynamic.
Good luck.!!!

follow your instincts, you know your situation and the emotional status of your child. Trust yourself and your decisions

I just want to echo what a lot of posters have said. One of my best friends in high school found out when she was 18 that her "sister" was her mother. It was a small town, and I found out from my mom that most of the adults already knew, just no one talked about it. My friend always got frustrated/resentful with her "sister" because she could tell the relationship was a little off. I don't know how well they would have resolved it because my friend died in a car accident shortly after, but I know it was not good up to and during the finding out.

As Jennifer S. says, kids are amazing. They can adapt to so many scenarios. I think if it were me, I would just follow his lead. Answer what he asks, truthfully, and don't get into huge explanations. "I love you just like a mommy" is powerful and may be enough for him.

My rule with my kids is to never tell them anything I'll have to take back someday. It's a small thing, but it started when my hugely tenderhearted daughter asked what happened to Nemo's mom. I knew she'd be upset, but I said "The big fish ate her." I don't want her to ever find out something I told her was deliberately wrong--I want her to trust me, totally and absolutely!

Bless you for taking care of him, and good luck!

It is a very hard situation that you are going through. My friend was in the exact same situation and they told their son (grandson) that their daughter was his mother but that she had some problems and that she was unable to care for him they way the could and that they were his parents too and loved him. He calls her mom all the time, except when his "mother" comes to visit of ra few hours he refers to her as mom- more for her than him. He isonly 5 but understands and knows his mom (grandma) loves him very much. I would tell him and then leave it at that- it doesn't need to be something that is talked about all the time.