When I look at my past 40+ years of life, there have been many times where I've struggled personally with depression (as a child and as an adult), anxiety (as a child and as an adult), relationship issues, marriage issues, parenting, special needs parenting etc. I'd like to think of myself as a happy person, but I don't think I truly can say that I am. I seem to struggle a lot with managing my feelings about things (I ask myself, are these feelings normal or are they not--I look for validation, like I'm doing right now). On the outside, I look like I am supermom (like I can handle just about anything), but on the inside, I question everything that I'm feeling. I wonder, is it normal to feel this overwhelmed? Is it normal to feel irritated with my spouse? Is it normal not to be in the mood to have sex? And unfortunately, the person who probably gets the least of me is my spouse. I feel like I don't have a lot left to give--i'm irritable. I'm just running and running. In the end, I feel like i want to run away from my life and find enjoyment, but I have a feeling that I'd always be facing similar feelings within myself.
Can anyone else relate to what I'm saying? I may sound off the wall, but I'm curious if other people have similar emotional challenges? Why can't I just be happy? Not allow other people to ruffle my feathers? Not get down on myself about things?
I'm great at intervening in crises, helping others, taking care of our home, our kids, etc. But right now i am exhausted (and yes, my husband is helping me). I feel like i just wear myself down to nothing. Instead of just enjoying the quiet time that I do have and enjoying the calm periods, I think I seek out things to keep me busy and then just wear myself down. I want things to go "just so" and when they don't, it throws me.
Would love to hear from others who have similar types of challenges.
What do YOU do to take care of yourself before you take care of everyone else?
Once I stopped 'being there' for everyone else I became happier. Yes, with that I lost the company of others but I am happier not being 'a rock' to others who seemed to only need me financially or otherwise but not really enjoy 'me'.
I don't mean for my response to turn negative but I feel couples need date nights regularly. This helps sustain your relationship, your balance with each other. My hubby and I made this a priority because our relationship was the priority. We had date nights weekly until he suddenly died.
New years Eve 2015 would be our 27th anniversary ( no newbie here)
October 10, 2015 my life changed in an instant when my husband collapsed and died at our home with me doing CPR until medics pulled me off of him.
This was a Saturday. We run our company. He was prounced dead within the hour that I called 911. On Sunday daughter and I were faced with funeral preparations.
Use your time wisely. Of course I wish I had done things differently in some ways. I never will regret our Friday night date nights that was " our time".
Appreciate what you have. Continue to work on what you have and professional help can be a life saver!
Well wishes to you!
The pressures in my life are not excessive. I have some health issues that arise from time to time which are inconvenient. For a month I was down with kidney stones and I was still homeschooling the best I could and keeping house the best I could. You do what you have to.
Yesterday a girlfriend and I went out for a walk (this is something I need to do to be happy, move my body) and we talked about scheduling joy. She has her PhD and knows I like to talk about that sort of thing, and she told me about Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It's less about process and more about simple skills for being aware, being alive and finding a way to live well. (I looked it up after our walk, curious, and really thought the process was very insightful because it is a concrete way to help people with skill acquisition quickly.) My friend said that one of the instructions in DBT was to actually plan one thing each day which brings you joy. That could be something to do.... make a list of things, moments, you would look forward to engaging in. For me, this could be taking 10 minutes to put a new plant in the garden; sitting outside with a cold drink in the afternoon, watching the birds at the feeders and enjoying the garden; taking a walk in the evening to gaze at the moon and enjoy the quiet as people settle into their homes.... reading aloud funny poems with my family.... snuggling up with the cats and watching an old, beloved movie at the end of the day....
It's the 'having something to look forward to' which I think helps. It's carving out a little time to care for myself. The second part of the joy instruction, by the way, is to plan at least two times a week for the family to (hopefully) experience joy together. Silly games can do that (Pie Face, anyone?), family movie night with popcorn and some special snacks (they don't have to be sweets), going to the nickel arcade together (I'm taking my son today so my husband can get some time alone at home).... this also helps maintain our relationships beyond the mundane. Planning time for intimacy too....that's important for relationships Sometimes that can't happen (like, being sick for a month? Um...no.) but then again, making the effort to enjoy something you both like, together (Us? A rude, funny, stupid movie where we both laugh our heads off... we love that stuff.) And you make time to hold and touch each other, even without the expectation of it going anywhere. Looking into my husband's face and smiling at each other, there is a connection....
It's all about effort, to me anyway. Effort and intention in finding balance, getting things done, experiencing daily doses, be they large or small, of something which makes my heart glad. Those are the things which keep me going.
Yes, I can relate.
The thing is, that with depression, it changes our perception of how things really are.
It causes a person to separate feelings from what is happening to them so that a person feels disjointed from feelings and reality, and the person frequently questions both.
It's helpful to keep a journal. Another mom on this website had recommended folding a sheet of paper in half. On one side writing what happened and on the other side writing just the 'facts' of the incident. Sometimes the helps to show that the incident may have been influenced by our mood or feelings that were unrelated to the incident, and that there may be another way to interpret the incident. Keep the entries to review and it may start to help you understand your depression (and triggers)better.
Another thing to keep in mind, when you grow up in a chaotic childhood you get 'addicted' to constant drama. It becomes the normal energy flow in the family. This makes it easy to step into the crisis manager role as an adult, but not so easy to step out of it. Sometimes you literally have to learn how to not be like that.
I hope you are still working with a therapist and get continued professional support in tackling these issues.
Sound about right to me 😊
Hubby yells at me for wearing myself out. I'm learning to plan differently. We don't host parties around my period, for instance. If we have a big outing, I make sure the kids and I are well rested beforehand.im learning to accept that things don't need to be perfect, that my imperfections and vulnerabilities are what connect me to others, and that its OK to just sit.
Whenever I am feeling what you describe, I take it as a sign that I need to reevaluate what we are doing and make some changes. I then reflect and read to come up with a plan to shift the household culture to better meet my needs.
Feeling unhappy is a good thing. It's a sign of discomfort, which lets you know you need to turn inward and refind your new center. We are always changing and growing, and as we do, we lose balance and need to make adjustments.
There are two things I've added to my schedule that make giant contributions to turning that frown around. I love to learn and read, so I've been starting every day with 30 minutes of reading. The other thing I've been doing is making a short to do list. Once that list is done, I stop and allow myself to read. Instead of trying to tackle everything, I do a small manageable amount. I'm under scheduling us and learning to just be. This allows me to also sit and read for 30 minutes in the afternoon. I have a cup of tea each time and it truly rejuvenates me.
Mindfulness is a great thing. If you don't have a practice, I recommend getting one.
But yes, when you have young kids, it is exhausting- beyond exhausting. So take a day off and feed your spirit. You deserve it!!!!!!
I think it would help if you always had something you were looking forward to...concert tickets, GNO, dinner with another couple or even wine/crackers/cheese on the patio with your husband on Friday nights.
I know one of the best things we have ever done was to get a hot tub. More often than not I am in it myself because my husband works a ton but it is something I love.
I also have found a hobby that I am passionate about. This has brought more joy into my life than I ever could have imagined.
I really think you and Hubby need a vacation to recharge your batteries.
You sound overwhelmed and depressed.
Maybe you could find a special needs caregiver on SitterCity.com and go do a bed and breakfast for a weekend.
Reconnect, enjoy each others company - and don't talk shop (about your daily life) as much as possible.
You've been burning your candle at both ends for quite awhile - and you can't do that forever - what you are feeling is the toll your daily demands are extracting out of you.
You'll see a light at the end of the tunnel when you MAKE a light - otherwise you are going to work yourself until you literally drop - and THEN who will look after everyone?
You put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help others - and you are WAY OVERDUE for a breath of fresh air!
Find a way to take a short break - and if it works then maybe you could do it once every 6 months.
You've got to take care of you - because if you don't - no one else is going to do it for you.
I really do understand. I'm 46, so my hormones are a mess anyway. However, in the past six months, I've lost my job very unexpectedly and lost our four-year-old dog (my 24/7 companion) very unexpectedly due to GDV. That was followed up by our son being bullied in school and our daughter dealing with a friend whose bad decisions are affecting her at school. Last night, my hockey team, which is in the Stanley Cup Finals for the first time in its 25-year history, lost game one. That's pretty much pushed me over the edge. One bit of bad news too many. I am sick of bad news and loss. Emotionally challenged? Count me in.
I would see my doctor about anti-depressants again, but there's no point if life is just going to throw bad news my way constantly. I'll see how I'm doing if I'm presented with better news that isn't followed up by something horrible. If you feel like life is in a decent place but just can't shake the mood, do call your doctor. Anti-depressants helped me a lot in the past and allowed me to appreciate life again.
