What the Heck Is Wrong with Me and How Can I Fix It?

I don't really have any advice for you. But I feel the exact same way. I moved acrossed the country for my husband last summer. We have a beautiful 8 week old daughter, but I have not been able to feel happy. I have been to counsiling a few years back and it helped me to focus on the small things that made me happy each day. I have been trying to get back to that, but it is hard. I'm sorry I could not give you a way to fix it. I just wanted you to know you are not the only one. I wish I could get some answers too. So if you get any good advice please share. My email address is ____@____.com please email me if you ever want to vent.

MOMS Club
MOPS
New Neighbor
meetup.com
Message boards on bigtent.com, yahoo.com, msn.com - look for book clubs, bowling clubs, etc
Workout - join a boot camp at a gym
PTA
Jaycees
Jr. League

TRY ANY AND ALL GROUPS...even if it's not something you think you'd be interested in. AND if you don't like it the first time...TRY IT AGAIN (and again). It's so hard...I've moved and MOMS Club was a lifesaver for me! Good luck!

Looks like you're feeling better already and you have plenty of responses. I haven't read them, I just wanted to share my daughter is on Lexapro and she still is a social drinker and hasn't had any problems. I understand enjoying a cold beer, especially on hot summer days :-)

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way! I see you got a lot of responses already, and I haven't been able to read them, so sorry if I'm repeating anyone else.

First, I think a lot of the way you're feeling is completely normal. You're isolated from your old friends and family and feeling a real lack of connection. And as someone who's at home with your kids, it can feel really tough to make new connections. (I also have three kids and do day care.) I understand that you don't get into some of the "girl club" things like scrapbooking. Are there other ways to meet people that might work? If you like sports, could you join a fantasy league? If you like shopping, could you look into jewelry or candle or some other kinds of those home sales parties? Maybe not sell them yourself but just attend one or even offer to host a party. Those might be ways to meet like-minded people. I bet there's even a home-brewing club somewhere around here, if you were into that!

As far as the potential for depression, I'd say it's certainly there. And it often rears its ugly head around this time of year. I understand you didn't have much success with your last counselor, but it might be worth considering. I've found that sometimes you just don't click with a counselor--and sometimes you do. And it can make a huge difference. The same is true about antidepressants. There are tons out there, and they all affect you slightly differently. I went through a bunch to find the one that worked best for me, and now I'm on Wellbutrin. And yes, you can still drink sometimes. But that's not to say that you definitely should take antidepressants. I would suggest you see a psychiatrist and see if they think it's a good choice for you. Although it's possible that antidepressants would help you, it's also possible that taking some action on the things that are bothering you will help you even more.

Being at home with your kids all day, and other people's too, is hard. I often feel frustrated and isolated. That doesn't mean I don't love my kids or my job, just that it has drawbacks. So you're not alone or crazy for feeling this way. If you ever want to talk more, please feel freel to email me!

Advice from another Daycare Mom- the first couple of years I started doing daycare, I was so exhausted after working long hours and caring for other children, I could hardly function. I was tired and crabby all the time and took it out on my husband. I love doing daycare but I spent the weekend doing all my errands and had no family time. 2 years ago I changed my hours to Mon-Thurs and closed on Fridays. ALL my families stayed with me and supported my decision. It changed my whole outlook on life, I was no longer trapped at home all week. Consider changes to your daycare hours to relieve some stress or having someone come in and help for a couple hours a week. Join a daycare association, we have a great one in our area and it provides some support and relief because you are not alone. Another suggestion- my friend convinced me to join a women's bowling league. I'm not a good bowler but that doesn't matter because you get a handicap. It is a good way to have a cold beer with the ladies. You can call the bowling center closest to you and they can tell you if any teams are looking for another teammate. Consider joining a church, this is how I met lots of women in the area and found many of my daycare families. If you feel things are getting worse, please do see a doctor. I am a firm believer that there is no magic "happy" pill and happiness is a choice we have to make. You have to do your part to be happy and it sounds like you are trying to figure it out. Good luck and best wishes!

As I was reading your question it felt as if I was reading my own question. My kids are a lot older and I feel the same way. I am not a Dr. but I have gone through bouts of depression many times over the last 10 years. I just want to say thank you for posting this because it has helped me realize I have to get back on my anti-depressants. I enjoy a cold beer once in a while too and I have while on anti-depressants. I personally haven't had any problems with it. I would suggest if medication is the road that you take to let your Dr. know and see what they say. Counseling hasn't helped me because I don't have a bad life I just have a chemical imbalance that makes me sad and angry. After my 2nd child was born I was diagnosed with PPD. I can go for long periods of time and be fine and then little things start building up and finally I get to where I am now and need that little extra to push me through. I would suggest going to your Dr. and explain to them what is going on and see what they suggest. One more things is that I had to go through a few different meds before I found one that really worked and then that one might work for a while. I have switched meds 4-5 times since going through this. I just don't want you to get discouraged if one doesn't work. You may have to try a few of them.
Becky

Hi. I totally get it. My Husband siad the same thing to me. I am on Zoloft and I still drink a couple times a week. so, check it out - you will be happoier and so will everyone around you!

Hello...just wanted to respond, seems like you are in a bad place right now and could use some advice. I've been there myself, so I think I understand where you are coming from. Don't worry...NO judgement here! I don't know if anything I have to say will help, but my heart goes out to you. You have had A LOT of changes and any one of them would take time to work through. Give yourself time and be gentle with yourself. It's very easy to be hard on yourself when you're going through something difficult. Also, it's very common to feel the way you feel after having children. They do change your life, but that doesn't mean you have to give up who you are. It takes effort to not get lost in the day to day raising of kids...after awhile it all seems to blend together and before you know it, the day is gone and you've had no time for yourself. When I felt that way, I had to work hard to remember the things I used to really enjoy doing. I just kept giving and giving of myself to the point where I lost myself. You NEED to take time for yourself to recharge. You can't keep giving and not refill your tank. For me, even a hot bath and a good book (and a cold beer!) brought me a little relief. Try to remember the things/hobbies you enjoyed doing and take time to do them. It sounds like your husband is supportive, so take advantage of that! Get out of the house and do something for yourself...even if it's just taking a drive or wandering around a store. It's not as exciting as going out to the bars and such, but it will help you feel at least a little more like yourself. Accepting that life changes was big for me...it's like I had to mourn my old life (my husband and I went out to the clubs a lot!). Once I accepted change as being an inevitable part of life and focused on the things I did love about my current life, it got easier. I woke up every day thinking of the things I was grateful for. I do a mental list before every morning of all that is right and good in my life and tried to stay focused on that throughout the day instead of what I didn't like. This helped A LOT. Enjoy each day, every moment, because it will not come again. When my 4 year old is driving me nutty because he wants me to play with him and I have things to get done, I have to remind myself that he will grow up fast and before I know it, he will be off playing with friends and not want to play with mom anymore. We really only have a few precious years before they are grown and gone. Then we'll have all the time in the world to whatever makes us happy. Enjoy this season of your life...it will change quickly. I hope I have helped some and haven't rambled on too much...okay, I probably did! :) Anyway, hang in there...you'll get through it! God Bless, S.

First of all, give yourself a big hug and decide that there is nothing wrong with you. There are REASONS for the way you're feeling. You sound a lot like the way I felt when my children were that age. Do a web search for "Emotional Freedom Technique." There is a lot of free info out there about EFT, and it's easy to do and can bring immediate relief when you feel blah. It involves tapping on your body on the acupuncture points. It would be really useful for you to use with the kids also, and might reduce the number of squabbles you have to deal with. There's also a teddy bear named "Tappy Bear" to help kids use EFT. It seems pricey to me, but for a day care where all the kids can use it, it could be wonderful. EFT helps dramatically with fears, worries, sadness--any time you don't feel the way you'd like to feel.

I hear ya, I get into this funk sometimes too. I am on anti-depressants, and I do drink. It does not affect me in a bad way when I drink. Also, it helps me when I go to the gym and feel good about myself.

it might be important to note that when it comes to alcohol, its a depressant. like, caffine is not. i dont know how or if that would apply. but maybe in relation to antidepressants it would counter the effects of the a-d to drink? i dont know

you sound like me, yet i wouldnt consider myself depressed. just homebound. its normal and healthy to need DAILY support and a break. is there a time during the day or evening that someone can take over for you for a half hour or an hour? so you can take a walk, go to the gym, take up a hobby you love, watch a game on tv (WITHOUT a kid's head in the way)... something you know? its important to MAKE time for yourself! as a child care provider, i know how you feel! someone is on you, in your arms, or whining or crying at all hours of the day. its VERY high stress and highly active. and all that child caring leaves no time for YOU. somehow, theres GOT to be a way to get daily time for just you! your husband should be able to help you out here; he sounds willing to give you what you need to feel better.

exersize is sometimes all it takes to get out of a funk. i dont know you, and im not going to tell you that physically you need it, but mentally, its funny how something like exersize can make a huge difference. i know i feel better when i can exersize one way or the other... i feel more energetic and i can sleep better at night!

drink a lot of water. this might also help you. with a daycare im sure that you know about healthy meals, so stick to that not only with the kids, but yourself!

anyway. find something in your area to help you get to know other people. or, start something! maybe theres a need for a women's sports group. you could meet anywhere you like. it could just be a weekly or monthly get together where you can watch sports, or talk about sports. there might be many more women out there like you! you just have to get them out of their shadows. LOL. its hard, ill admit. i dont have one single close friend near to me. its very lonely! so i dont have any answers there either.

good luck. it doesnt really sound like you are depressed, just overwhelmed. it happens! finding that daily time for YOU will make a lot of difference, i hope!

I know you've already had a ton of replies, but I thought I'd add my two cents, since I used to feel exactly like what you're describing. I had to get a part time job out side of the house. I tried the mops group at church, but it was just another place where everyone just talked about their kids. I still stay home during the day for the kids, but 4 nights a week my husband comes home from work, takes over the kids, and I get some adult conversation. It really helps.

Hey sister,

i can't think of any antidepressants except MAOI's that indicate that you cannot drink alcohol in moderation while taking them. You should never drive , though when you do because sometimes you can experience stronger results than expected from the alcohol you ingest. Like one day you can drink 3 beers and be happy, the next time you may find yourself falling off the barstool on the same 3 beers. It sounds to me that you are having a simple bout of the blues brought on by the common feeling us moms get from spending too much time in mama, boo-boo, and binky land. You are appparently still building a social network from scratch, that can be hell. WHy do you think I spend so much time here? I get no face time, but at least it's intelligent conversation that relates to me without alot of drama. I commend you for getting out and doing things other than mama things, but maybe you also require a a new kind of interaction?

I hate do this but I have to go ...I wish you well.. I'll come back to edit this in a minute..

Maybe you could check to see how many, and what type of orgainations are in your area..I have taken karate classes and a few aerobics classes (exercise really truly does benefit your mood) I am looking into learning to crochet, something I have always wanted to do but the local roller derby even calls my name, because it speaks to the little wild child inside of me...once you know what your options are, you may find some inspiration!! Maybe yoga, oil panting, candymaking, scrapbooking, french cooking, german language, pottery, textile arts....Then like Nike says, just do it. I think that alot of depression comes from allowing the atmosphere around you and your brainpower to become stagnant. Community centers, junior colleges all offer courses to help you learn a new skill at affordable prices and without much of a commitment. (Classes are done and over before you know it sometimes.)

A little bit about medication: yes medication requires a commitment in itself, and sometimes it takes a few months just to find the appropriate med and dose. But for some people it is really worth it.

I too have a daycare center, but I have a group center where I have employees. I think it might be helpful if you joined a playgroup. Sometimes at your local Library their might be a toddler story time where you might meet other mothers with children. Maybe call around to other in home centers that you might know and try to form some days that you might be able to get together. By doing this you may be able to form some friendships.
Another good way to get out and get de-stresses is exercise. Find a yoga class, Karate, or something that gets you out of the house,but puts your in with other people. Don't be shy, talk to the other people around you. I sounds like you are in need of meeting friends, and these might be some ways for you to find some!

Reading your letter felt like I was reading about me. I moved back to my home state 5 years ago, got married 4 years ago and had a baby 2-1/2 years ago. Ever since moving back here, I've felt unhappy. I, too, have a very supportive husband but don't have many close friends and I rarely do things I used to enjoy most. I know you said you don't want to be on anti-depressants, but that was the route I finally took 4 months ago. The decision felt like taking the easy way out, but I also looked at it as a way to clear my head and start feeling better so that I could get out of my rut and figure out how to be happy without medication. I was on Lexapro and Wellbutrin, both do not recommend drinking alcohol while on them, but I did drink without issue. I wasn't getting drunk all the time, but was able to enjoy a glass of wine and the occasional tailgate or night out. I'm now off of them and feeling better....ready to take my life back. I wish you luck! Being unhappy for so long is no way to live.

I also moved (for husband's job) recently and went from working to staying home. Moving away from all your friends and family is a big toll, and I think you do have to sort of start over thinking about who you are and what you want from life, if that makes sense. It also really helps me to connect with everyone via phone and facebook. Do you have a hands-free bluetooth? Helps when you have busy hands!
Also I will say that is a whole lot of baby-time. Babies are WONDERFUL, don't get me wrong, but sometimes your brain just needs a little more adult stimulation. Is there something you really have an interest in you can start up and look forward to? I take dance lessons weekly and am passionate about it (salsa). My mind just completely clears when I am dancing and it is also a part of my identity. Lessons are cheap and I only need a few hours away per week. Maybe you have some interest like that? Get a pottery wheel, new book, or other hobby that will put you out meeting actual adults??
I also have a bit of depression in the family. Don't shy away from meds. If you are in a hole emotionally that you just can't emerge from, sleeping tons, upset with everyone for minor things, edgy all the time--you might need some help to get out. Probably can't drink with meds tho.
Good luck!

Oh I soooo feel your pain!! I struggled with this for a long time before I got put on Zoloft (I can also drink, but prego now so I can't, but I could before) and started going to counseling, individually and as a couple. It has worked WONDERS!! The couple's counseling helped by showing my husband that I wasn't "unhappy all the time", that it is a chemical problem that I couldn't fix on my own. And the individual counseling helps so much because it's an hour I get to take and just talk about all my complaints without getting judged, and by my counselor reassuring me that I'm not crazy, I'm "normal". I started the counseling first and that didn't help much til I got put on the anti-depressant. So I (and so did my counselor and psychiatrist) highly recommend that you try the combination. I have an eight year old, a 16 month old, pregnant, work a full-time job, a part-time job, my husband has a job, he's going to college (one of the older ones) and I just "crashed" and was tired all the time and didn't care about anything or anyone. It was a very dark, scary place that I never felt I was going to get out of! But I promise you, if you do the meds and counseling, you 100% will feel better! I promise!! I sure hope this helps. If you ever want to private chat, just email me at ____@____.com or through here.

Good Morning!
Have you thought about jumping out of your comfort zone and joining a local women's bowling team? Believe me ... you do NOT have to be good at it! This will be a way for you to meet new people ranging in ages and it's usually just 1 night a week.

Also - do you like to sew? quilt? If so, go to the nearest fabric store and see about the next class they have or a sewing group or such.

How about going to your local library and asking about any community education classes. There are things from Microsoft Word to Cooking Fish classes. They are fun and usually consist of only 1 class or maybe a 3 week course once a week. These are things that you can do to meet other people, get you out of the house and not cost you a ton of money. BUT you have to be willing to jump out of your comfort zone - try it - I'm sure you'll love it and will get "back in the game of life" before you know it.

Best of luck!
D.
(South Dakota)

I think you should talk with your Dr. about how you are feeling. Also, on the med end of things --- you need to remember that if they help you, they will also be helping your family (your moods and attitudes effect them daily). The big question is -- is drinking more important than doing what is best for your family?

What you are describing sounds very similar to what my mother went through. It wasn't until I was in my late teens that she went on anti-depressants and it has made a WORLD of a difference. So much so that she refuses to come off of them because she doesn't want to be the person she was before. And as a child who grew up in that situation -- it was HELL many days.

Something to think about.

You sound so much like I did just a few weeks ago. I was so down and out, I just didn't know what to do any more. I was miserable with my life, just felt like there was nothing enjoyable about it, and was even to the point where I wasn't enjoying my kids. I got my one night out a week also, but it just wasn't enough to get me through the week, and after a while, I wasn't even looking forward to that either....it just seemed like too much work to get ready to go out. After months of gentle prodding (and some not so gentle prodding by some), I finally went in to see a doctor and was diagnosed with severe depression. I started on medication that same day, and though it's only been two weeks, I have noticed changes in myself and how I feel...and so have the people around me. Therapy was also recommended, but I don't believe in therapy either, as I have tried it before and it didn't help me any, so I declined. I have had a few beers with my medication (I take Pristiq), and though alcohol can intensify the side effects of the medication (drowsiness, dizziness, etc.), I only had a couple of drinks, and I was fine. Everyone is different, though. I am glad that I went in, and though things aren't perfect, things are better, and now I am looking up instead of down.
As far as your situation goes, I would suggest seeing a doctor, and it doesn't need to be a therapist or psychiatrist, you can see your regular doctor about what sounds like a case of depression. I know that therapy isn't for everyone, but maybe another try would be good for you if you're absolutely against medication. You could also try speaking to a member of your church, if you are religious. Medication can help, and doesn't necessarily have to be a long term thing. Finding a good support structure (other than your husband, who sounds like he is trying as best he can!) can be really helpful, too! Maybe joining a gym would be a good way to meet other women your age to make friends (and get you some time to yourself). Just an idea.
Good luck to you, and I hope all works out!
J.

Hi C. M!
I've found that becoming a mom is the most challenging thing I've ever done in my life. It can strip you of who you are -- or who you were. Your own needs/wants take a backseat to the needs/wants of everyone else. Depression is not uncommon for moms of preschoolers. (Have you seen the movie "Marley and Me"? Good comedy... honest look at how motherhood can affect us...shows the potential rewards for surviving the early years) Especially since you moved, it sounds like you're pretty isolated. Before you try anti-depressants, see if you can find a way to get out to meet other moms. Is there an evening story time at your local library? Or any kind of parent-child activity through a recreation dept that you could meet other moms at? Are you able to take the the kids you day-care for out during the day? Is there a MOPS group (Mothers of Preschoolers) that you could get connected with? (Google MOPS for more info!) Does your husband work with anyone whose wife would also like to get out for a night and meet people? Are you connected to a church? For myself and countless others I've talked to, it's our connections with other women/moms (plus our loving husbands) who have helped us through these times. Sleep and exercise do wonders, too! Have you considered checking out an exercise class or work-out place? Exercise is amazing for releasing stress, improving quality of sleep at night, and mood-lifting.
If none of the above works, or you're too down to even think of trying any of them... try to find a different counselor... if you need anti-depressants, the counselor should be able to let you know.
I'll be praying for you! Keep loving those children, your husband, and yourself!

Been There! I've been through a similar situation....also at around 30 years old........I went to see my gynocologist and told her exactly how I was feeling....and she confirmed that it was depression. She suggested I go on an anti-depressant for a short period of time....she even suggested that I take half a pill if I was fearful of medication.

Now I must say....it is really obvious that you are depressed just by looking at your letter above. If you follow my advice you'll read that letter again in a few months and go "wow that girls needs help".

I took the medication for 6 months....it helped me "pull it all together" and I actually felt like doing things and meeting people. Once I had things in order, made some friends and actually had a schedule that worked for me I, with the help of the doctor, weened off.

I am now 43 years old and haven't had the need to take medication since.

So my best advice is to seek help from you doctor. Go see a female...she'll understand much better. And don't feel bad or ashamed about it. It's very, very common.....in fact looking back to my family history.....if my grandmother would have taken Prozac she would have been a much more pleasant woman to be around.

Some women have no problem staying home with little kids....some women do. You deserve to be happy....so go see you doc.....

I definitely feel that way! My husband teaches high school, coaches kids after school, and is in grad school himself so he's not around much. Outside of work and kids, I feel like I have no life. I don't have a solution yet, so I'll be watching the replies... but I will say I tried the antidepressants and the side effects from them made me feel worse than I did before I started taking them. I tried two different kinds and then stopped altogether.

I know I need ME-time, so I really try to leave the kids with Daddy every once in a while and just go out on my own. Go for a good walk on a trail, shopping all by myself without kids (a RARE treat!!), or if I'm feeling more social, a beer or two with a friend...

There's my 2 cents. Just know you're not the only one who feels like that.

I am sorry to hear that you are gloing through this, I know it can be difficult to move away from friends and family. I only have two suggestions, first is to maybe go out with one of the mothers that you watch her kids and have an adult conversation since maybe that is what you are lacking with having kids all day and night. I know you have your husband, but sometimes you just need to have that woman to woman talk. Or if you have nothing in common with the mothers other than having kids then maybe having you and your husband go on a double date with one of his co-workers and wife and meet some new people that way and maybe make a close friend alittle down the road. good luck and I hope one of these will help you.

K., working mother of a 22 month old and have a wonderful stay at home husband.

I worked at a inhome daycare helping out the owner friend from churh. I worked full time and brought along my daughter. After a year or so I just couldn't handle it anymroe I was BURNT out. You can only have so much of kids..I love kids like love kids. I have 2 of my own now. But I could never see myself working with kids in any field ever again it's very exhausting and takes away from my own kids to much.

Maybe you need to find a different job or get some ME time.

Sounds pretty normal to me:) I also run a C.. Get in touch with others. I meet with another provider and we get a chance to visit while kids play. It's also someone to call on the phone. Take inservices and get excited about doing some fun things with the kids or join an Association. It helped me feel important. . . .I don't need that anymore but I did then.
Now, I pray and stay active in my church. I hire a sub to come in one morning so I can attend a bible study. I look forward to that every weeek.
It is great to be home with your kids. I wasn't quite sure if leaving behind your family was part of this or not?? Were you close to them? Is that part of it? Your husband sounds very supportive by the way:) I'll say a prayer for you and for you to receive guidance from the Holy Spirit:)

I think we all go through bad times exactly as you feel, I know I do. Have you tried getting to know any of the moms you do daycare for? I am best friends with my daycare giver and she and I bounce our bad feelings off each other frequently with no judgements. Have you thought about possibly changing your career so you have a break away from children? Possibly a part-time job? I know I need my part-time job which gets me out of the house for a little while and away from all my home responsiblities and three children! I wouldn't try the anti-depressants unless absolutely necessary. Best of luck.

;

Wow sounds like you have a mirror image of my life. I am 32 with 3 kids and work at a daycare. I also found myself feeling very blah and blue. I started antidepressants 2 months ago. They have made a whirl of difference in my life. Although there are still a few down days I feel more alive again, more able to deal with life's challenges. I do have an occasion drink but not very often and not very much. Talk to your doctor about an antidepressent. What can it hurt? Good luck. I'm here if you need to talk, sometimes even that helps.

I am not sure where you live but I would be willing to get together and have coffee sometime. I moved here three years ago and I know how hard it is to make friends. Send me a message if you're interested!

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and it seems perfectly logical that you are, given your move and your work. I am normally not for medication, but as some have said, as a temporary way to get "out of the rut" they may be helpful. Daily exercise can have the same positive effect as medication for depression (see the book "Spark"), but if you're feeling too down to exercise, that's an issue.

I second the idea of seeing a female doctor, or counselor, or have you considered a Life Coach? The difference between a therapist/counselor and a Coach is that coaches don't try to diagnose or "fix" you, but help you see your way forward in a positive way. You can check the Minnesota Coaches Association website to find a coach (http://www.minnesotacoaches.org/).

I do know people who drink beer with anti-depressants and seem to handle it fine. I agree with the other responders who say you would need to be careful of the combination at first, just in case of unexpected affects.

It is very probably depression. Instead of taking anti-depressants look into 5-HTP. 5-HTP is an all natural anti-depressent made from trytophan, the stuff in turkey and many other foods. I recently bought a book on 5-HTP and though I am not a doctor I would recommend looking into it.
The other thing you need to do is start establishing friends and get out of the house. Talk to the Mom's you babysit for and see if any of them are willing to let you join them for a girls night out. You may not be the knitting or scrapbooking type of there are a lot of things you can do for fun. Try joing a ladies bowling league or a dart league, or pool league that may be more in line with your interests. Contact the local park and recreation department and see if they are looking for coaches or team mom's, even as a volunteer. The local Y may have volunteer opportunities as well. Once you find your niche start saying hi to people. Make conversation with them, comment on their cute outfit or shoes or hair-do. Keep trying you may get rebuffed at first because they don't know you but there are a lot of women out there who are in the same situatution as you are. Home all day with kids and recently moved and have no real friends. You need to get out and find women who are looking for friends. Remember we all need friends.

I only have one kiddo and I feel that way sometimes! For me, it helps sooo much to get out of the house as much as possible when I notice it setting in. Even if its going to Target to grab diapers and stopping to get some ice cream! I think a lot of it in my case is that my only interaction a lot of the time is someone who babbles then my husband. Don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful guy.. but it takes a toll when that's the majority of human interaction I get!With the weather getting more and more yucky it seems like it gets worse since not only am I kinda stuck inside, but it also triggers arthritis from injuries. Cabin fever and pain.. recipe for crankiness for me!

I didn't read the replies at all, so if I repeat something so sorry! If you can do it with what time you have left before winter hits see if you can't get the kids outside a bit, some fresh air might benefit everyone. If you can find a way to get some more adult interaction that might help you too. I don't think anti-depresents would help me either and our situations seem similar (minus multiple kids and in home daycare). If nothing you do makes any impact then maybe give either medication or a parenting group (not counseling, just meeting with other parents.. that adult interaction thing!)a try and see what that does for you. I know in Rochester there is PAIIR or Parents are important in rochester. I forget when they meet though. Some churches do mommy groups too but their meeting times will probably be during the week days while you are working.

Good luck!

Mine are 3, 2 and newborn. It sounds like you are worn down from your job. You enjoy the kids, but you need a break. I can understand how so many little ones robs you of your identity. It would probably help if you had some long-term goals. That way you'd have something to strive for. I had to give up mine (do foster care and live in grandparents' old town) when I married, knowing my husband could not get a job there. He backed out of foster care at the last minute. Pretty bad when your whole life that was the goal.
I try to have other goals, now. It's not the same but it helps. Perhaps you could do the same. Try not to get caught up in the diapers, etc. :) Also, playing music about kids growing up reminds you how fast the time will go. Enjoy what you can, but don't think ALL you are in a mom/day care provider.

I know exactly how you feel!!! I yo-yo back and forth with these feelings, and have for a few years now. I, too, enjoy going out with my friends to a sports bar, ordering dinner, and having a few beers. That said, my doctor switched my prescription to Zoloft, which has fewer side effects with drinking. I take a cab regardless if I have one beer or stay for the evening just in case; but other than that, I've never had ANY negative side effects, and you're talking to a veteran baseball watcher. :P

In my personal opinion, yes, it sounds like mild depression. With the move away from family and friends, it's really hard to re-establish your identity as a woman and not just as mom/wife. DO NOT FEEL BAD about having these feelings. I love being a SAHM, but sometimes I just get so down with not being able to leave the house. I feel like all I do is run around cleaning, which as you know, never seems to make a difference when you have a bunch of little ones running around.

I wish I had advice for how to get through this, and how to keep the buzz from your one night out a week to last, but I don't know what to tell you. All I can say is YES, it does get better. If you ever want to chat with someone, or just blow off some steam, feel free to email me! We all need a break, and sometimes just having someone to vent to helps a ton. :) Good luck honey, and hang in there!

I worked at a inhome daycare helping out the owner friend from churh. I worked full time and brought along my daughter. After a year or so I just couldn't handle it anymroe I was BURNT out. You can only have so much of kids..I love kids like love kids. I have 2 of my own now. But I could never see myself working with kids in any field ever again it's very exhausting and takes away from my own kids to much.

Maybe you need to find a different job or get some ME time.

I don't know what is wrong with you but I can tell you what I think is right with you. I think your happiness has plateaued! This isn't a bad thing. It just means you need to spend time doing something you have always wanted to do but didn't do because of being busy with family. I think you should find yourself a therapist unlike the last one you had (someone who administers neurofeedback and/or can just give you some plain old psychotherapy), and also get yourself a few spa appointments set up so you have some things on your calendar to be excited about. Antidepressants are only a temporary fix and they won't make a difference in the long haul I think. AND you definitely can't consume alcohol with them. That's definitely a no-no. Give yourself a break, go find a bellydance class or a yoga exercise class or a kickboxing class and forget the beer because it's not good for you anyway. I think you just need to spend some quiet time doing something that allows you to reflect and get healthier and happier at the same time!!!

Your first stop should definitely be your GP - there may be, as others have mentioned, an organic cause (thyroid, etc.) If your doc doesn't turn up anything abnormal, I would strongly suggest going therapist shopping. It sounds like in your previous counseling experience, you just didn't have the right therapist for you. Not that the person wasn't good at their job, just not the right style/chemistry for what you needed at that time. Another mom told you about the specific kind of therapist that was good for her - that might be right for you, or it might be something totally different. Ask around for referrals: your doctor, friends, faith community, etc. Meet with at least three different therapists (they are happy to do this - most will charge you/your insurance, but there's a surprising amount that you can learn about yourself from telling your story three different times to three different people.) Then choose the one that's right for you. (And if none of the three feels like the right fit, keep looking.)

As a person who has faced the challenges of clinical anxiety and depression for most of my life, and as someone who has been on and off anti-depressants a number of times over the years, I would hold off for a bit before going on meds. You sound to me like you're in a rough place right now, but that when you figure out how to change some of the structure of your life so that it works for you better, your depression will lift. I think the right therapist will be able to help you find what those changes might be, and will help you to evaluate whether you do need meds for awhile.

You are brave and smart for reaching out, for being honest about the fact that your life isn't working for you right now, and for taking steps to figure things out. These are the best possible things you can do for yourself, for your kids, and for your marriage. I wish you all the best.

This may not be relevant but I was on Mirena for a few months and got really depressed. I suddenly wondered if it was because of the birth control and once I had it removed, I am much happier. I too, look at anti-depressants as a last resort. Good luck trying to sort this out- I think we've all been there. Another thing- I've started as a Wildtree rep and love the nights out with the girls and the income I make. Just more to think about. Good luck and god bless!

C. M,

You're not alone! A few years ago, I felt the SAME way. I too, am a SAHM who does daycare so I'm with kids ALL of the time. It will get better as your kids get older (mine are 12 and 8 now). The best thing that you can do is to start involving yourself in different groups to start carving out an identity for yourself that isn't "so & so's mom". I started with Girl Scouts (I know it's a child organization, but it's got a great group of volunteers who also have common interests), and church. Now I'm the coordinator for a huge Christmas gift drive, run a coffee shop on Sundays, and lead two Girl Scout troops. Find a counselor to rule out physical depression and start looking for some new friends who you can go out with once in a while. If your counselor does suggest antideppresants-take them, they can make a HUGE difference. And yes, you can drink a few beers, glasses of wine when you're on certain meds. Just be sure to ask when the doctor prescibes them for you so he/she is aware that you may drink socially sometimes. You can do this-things will get better.

YOu have received alot of good advice. I was wondering if you have looked into some mom groups either through your church or on like MOPS. I have seen moms bring there charges with them so they can talk to other moms and get out. I know the one I went to had a softball team. You may also look into light therappy. I know that the amount of strong sunlight really affects our moods. Hope this helps and that you start feeling better.

Prayer ~

Neither you or anyone else in your life can fill any void in your heart and make you truly happy other than the Lord.

Esphesians 18-19
18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Good for you to realize you may be depressed. Not having time to be you is a problem. I sympathize with you. If you like to read take time for that. Try going to work out alone or join an exersize class. You might be able to find some friendsthis way. Talk to some other mom's- make play dates with other kids. Go to each others house ever week and have a parent get together while the kids play. You can get some compionship that way. If you need to take a mild medication for depression do it just to take the edge off of things. When a person goes through so much change at one time it's a huge loss to them and a person can get depressed. You have a few small children close together. This can cause major changes within your body and can set off depression as well. You need to find some time to reflect on yourself and have some alone time. Good luck and don't feel bad for not feeling ok. You have taken the first step and reached out to someone.

Dear C. M. I could have been the person writing this letter a few months ago. I was very much the same as you. I also had no sex drive, I am however not a big drinker. I went to the MD at the suggestion of my husband,sister and best friend they could all see that I was not "me" . I am now taking Celexa and it has done wonders for me. I realize that I need to tell my husband now even at his urging that I need to get out and have me time , sometimes it might just mean going for a walk by myself or even going to the mueseum with a friend or by myself . It is a matter of speaking up and saying I need ME time to not feel overwhelmed. By the way I did ask if I could have a few drinks with the meds and my MD said it was ok as long as I did not do it often and did not over induldge when I did have a drink. I wish you luck and hope this and other moms suggestions help you.

I would suggest a) think about finding another job and b) seeking help from a counselor. Good Luck.

You could have written my story, including the comments from the husband, except that I don't like beer...It is so hard when you move away from all you know and love, especially when you are the one who made the ultimate sacrifice for your husband and children. I went through the exact same thing. Its not easy to appreciate what you have when you can't see outside your own limited universe to compare it to anything. You have the added challenge of not having opportunities to go to Moms' Groups or playgroups to meet others, because you work at home. I'm sure you have weighed the pros and cons of closing your child care and working outside the home, so I don't want to act like I know what's best for you. Just that I have managed to avoid anti-depressants (mostly because I'm still nursing a toddler)and don't feel I need them now, and I have a very competent and non-traditional therapist. Don't give up on therapy - you may just not have had a good match with the last counselor.
Also, check CityPages or local magazines for ladies' clubs, social clubs, or groups you can do weekly in the evening or on weekends, without your husband - As hard as he may work, it is also good for him to be the primary caregiver once in a while. Don't despair! There may be a mountain to climb, but on the other side is a whole new world!

I have read some of the many replies you have gotten. Everyone seems to want to help you get better. Hear are a couple that I think may help.

1. Sign up for and use Facebook. You can communicate with the old friends that you left. Sometimes those friends can be the key to finding new ones locally.
2. Check-out "Skype.com". You can have free video calls via internet to all of those friends and family you left when you moved. Seeing someone you used to have a "cold beer" with allows you to do the same thing from the comfort of your home.

3. Hobbies are great. If you don't knit or scrapbook you can do crafts with your daycare kids. Try them out first yourselft. Get the creative juices flowing.

4. Read a book. The library has gobs of books you can get for free. This also have a effect on your kids. If they see you reading for your own enjoyment, they'll have more of an interest themselves.

I hope and pray that all of the support you have received from these online posts with bring you to a better place.

I really think you should try seeing a therapist or counselor. There is a HUGE difference in different approaches. I recommend that you find a woman. While I do not have your situation, the feelings you are describeing are so familiar. I have been seeing a therapist (family and play counselor) for about 12 weeks, and there has been a HUGE change in the way I feel about myself and my life.
Just a good perspective about what feelings I have and who/what they are attached to has really helped.
You deserve to feel good.

As far as antidepressants go... I have taken a combo of Lexapro and Wellbutrin with great success (we are trying for another pregnancy, which is why I stopped taking them and tried counseling). You need to really be aware that alcohol can have weird, unexpected effects, such as: I had two beers ( i know because they were in a bottle) and know I am having a hard time dialing the phone. I really only recommend having a drink when you do not have to drive. It has been very surprising- weeks with out any effect and then one or two drinks and I feel like I'm in college at 2 am. it's weird.

Again, I wish you good mental health- mamas really deserve it!

Dear C. M

It sounds like you've got good reason to be depressed. your depression is telling you that you need a life! Being around kids all the time and shrinking your life down to only being a mom and wife is enough to make anyone depressed. So, how do you get your life back? I'm not totally sure, but you could look at what you like to do and see if there are other mom's out there like that. Join a couple of mom's groups and see if they seem like your kind of people. I'm sure there are lots of moms or dads out there that would like to go out for shopping and a couple of beers.
Now, counseling may help (maybe you just had a bad fit with the last one) to sort out what you need, to talk with an adult, to get time for yourself, etc. Or, if you'd like to try anti-depressants - I'm pretty sure a few beers would not be a problem, but you'd have to ask your dr. Either way, it sounds like you need more in your life. If you look at one of those pie chart things that cover all the areas of your life (do you know what I'm talking about?), you are filling one or two areas and all the rest are being left out.
good luck to you.
take care
A.

I was in your shoes when I did home daycare. it really is more difficult than anyone can imagine! I really feel for you! I still watch 2 kiddos, but with my own 2, it's a smaller group, so we are able to get out of the house once in awhile, which has really helped for me! If you can't watch fewer kids (need the income), then here are a couple of other ideas:
1. Set aside one night each week for your husband to be at home with the kids. Then leave the house! Maybe at first you go to a sports bar and just watch a game or head out to the mall - as you start to do this you will begin to meet people with your same interests - introduce yourself!
2. Find a local club or group you can join to meet people. Do you like to play sports, too?? Maybe you could join a city league and play something for fun - volleyball/softball/whatever! You'll meet people and have fun.
3. Churches are always great place to meet people, if you are interested, find one you like and get involved.
4. Check in your local area for other daycares - set up a daycare playdate or work something out with a neighbor to watch your kids for an hour so you can run errands or go out to lunch with your hubby or a friend.

You really need to get creative to find an outlet. I know it's hard, I've been there and can relate to the isolation you feel. I know you know all of the good things your doing by caring for these children, but I also understand that you want your "own" time too. Get creative and make something happen. Set up a plan and see how you feel - Good luck!

I had some depression and saw a functional medicine practitioner who loaded me up with nutritional supplements. I think they helped. If you are really leary about taking meds, you might look into integrative medicine as an alternative.

I will say, too, that you have the right to "therapist shop" and find someone that feels like a good fit for you. It sounds like the one you saw in the past may not have been a good fit and I wonder if you saw someone with a different approach or with whom you can have a better connection if it would make a difference?

Good luck.

I am a transplant from California, and I can relate! I started a place for moms to get together and we have a transplants group, if you're interested, for newcomers to MN. We are also forming a group for moms who work from home. Our website is www.mothersdayinc.com. Best wishes,
G.

MOPS, Mothers of PreSchoolers, is a great supportive group for moms. It is nationwide, so I am sure there is one in your area!

Sounds sort of familiar, but mine isn't so intense (or a shock). I suffered from depression for many years but only after meeting my husband did I feel normal and feel like I didn't need medications, but now I'm thinking I have the "baby blues". You said you didn't have many friends here, I'm looking for some mommy friends as well. What do you think? I just had my first daughter in March, would love to find more friends, especially for my daughter.

Hi,

I wish I had advice for you, however I am in the same situation. However, I don't do daycare anymore. I do however still work from home, so the only interaction I have daily is with my 3 children and my husband....I don't go out. I am hoping you can get some good advice, as I would love to see what others have to say as well.....Good luck and hang in there!!!!

ps: I too have thought about depression meds, but don't want to go on meds to make my life better...

Sounds to me like maybe you just need a change. Even though you love being home, maybe it would do you good to get a job outside the home instead. Maybe just for a while...Just to shake up the routine and give you something new and different to think about. Change can be exciting if it is your choice. Plus you would meet new people and maybe find some people you really connect with. And for sure it would give you another identity. Changing diapers is great, but might not give you the sense of appreciation that you might get at a job where you have a boss who (hopefully) would tell you once in a while what a great job you do. Just a thought. It seems like a lot of times when people suffer from depression, they can tell you it all stems from a particular situation. And medication can only help so much...the real cure is to change the situation. At least that has been my experience. Good luck.

C. M,

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. It can be very lonely sometimes. I see that you live very close to me. I would love to get together for coffee or a beer sometime. It is so hard to meet people in smaller towns as it seems everyone has known everyone else for their whole lives. Send me a message if you are ever interested.

My husband takes anti-stress pills sometimes. They are over the counter and are basically vitamin B. He says that they help and he has beers with them and has never had a problem. Something to look into or maybe talk to your doc about...

I have always been against taking any medication too. My family also has a very strong history of depression. I have seen a couple of therapists before. The one that I found that helped the most was a woman. I have found with therapists though - you have to be open and willing to receive help - otherwise it won't help.

It will take some time - but hopefully you will be able to get out of this funk and start enjoying your life again!

Gosh you sounded just like I did a few years ago and I understand how you are feeling. Starting over in a new place is hard and making new friends because you are a stay at home mom it could be a lot harder. I am now going thru the same thing ago with the death of my husband because a single women whose most of her friends are married just feels out of place. Have you met your neighbors? How about throwing an inexpensive get together with them. Or joining a club or taking a class at the nearest community college so that you might meet people? How anti-depressiants no you are not suppose to drink any type of alcohol with them. I wish you the best and hope you can find a new batch of friends that you sound like you need.

I can certainly relate. I went through the same thing when I had my daughter. My situation was a bit different but roughly the same.
My ex and I split when my baby was 8 months, I moved to a new state, didn't have much work and basically had no friends or identity other than a mom.
What worked for me was going on anti-depressants (and yes, you can still have drinks), and becoming employed full time out of the house. Also I have noticed that exercise has done wonders for me. I joined a gym with 2 hrs of daycare and it's wonderful. Try to find a social outlet, maybe meet friends at sporting events or online. I have some great friends thru MOPS, Moms of Preschoolers. ECPI is another way to meet moms/friends.
Don't be hard on yourself. This is a very normal thing to be going through. Take care of yourself because your family needs a happy and healthy mom. And remind yourself how fortunate you are that you have a supportive husband and healthy kids.
Good luck!!

If you don't enjoy daycare anymore, I suggest you find a different job and bring your kids to a daycare or hire a nanny. You can always come back to daycare if you chose.

Plus you will get to know more people this way too!

Do you go to church. Church is a great place to meet people and make everlasting friendships. Maybe look around for a church for you and your family. Find one that offers Sunday School (for all ages) and bible studies. You really get to know people when you join the small group studies.

Good luck.

I think every single woman can relate to how you're feeling in someway or another. For me it was when I had my first child. I was so nervous, I was previously working so much that I never really had any close friends and so I ended up isolating myself without really realizing that I had done that. I currently have to kids of my own, not much family around, went through a very sticky break-up/divorce, and I've been a nanny for the past year and next week will be starting my own daycare as well. I'm currently seeing someone now but he works nights, so in the end I still don't have adult contact pretty much at all during the day. I think what really helped me, is my ex had a bunch of friends who were all married. So we all decided that all of us 'wives' would get together and have 'girls lunches' every single month! Sometimes we'd go out somewhere, sometimes to someone's house, scrapbooking (not everyone scrapped however) but we made that commitment to get together once a month no matter how many times someone may have had to reschedule or some months just didn't work out for someone. But because of that, we've all become very close and sometimes we bring our kids and sometimes we don't. We still love to get together on a separate occasion for drinks or whatever us girls feel like doing, but I know no matter what they'll be there for me. If you feel like you can pull through this without help (doctors etc.) maybe try finding a moms group or just get yourself out there and just start inviting people to get together. Just don't be offended if they can't always make it etc. Also, you said your husband and you do go on date nights with eachother, but it really sounds like you just need some you time to feel like a woman again instead of the maid. I feel you, plan a weekend get away with girlfriends or something. As bad as it sounds, but I have full custody of my kids but they still go see their dad every other weekend, so for me, I sometimes look forward to that time away and plan whatever I want for myself to do. Sometimes my boyfriend and I go to a bed and breakfast for the weekend, or just go fishing or whatever. Sometimes we go and visit family (which live 3 hours away) and we come back and that felt like a vacation! It's absolutley natural for woman to need to feel like they are needed in some way. It's our instinct to just feel like it's our duty to take care of people, and that's great but you need to remember yourself as well. Please feel free to contact me if you just need to talk! There are people here for you no matter if you know them well or not! We've really all been through it at some point in time in our lives! email: ____@____.com luck if I don't hear from you!

I know it's hard. I am somewhat in the same boat although I have friends close. My problem is that I don't have the money to go out (single mom unemployed). I know you don't like anti-depresents but you need to talk to your doctor about it. If depression runs in your family we are talking about a chemical imbalance that might easily be fixed by an anti-depressant (this is a medically treatable condition- you are not nuts). Also, get involved with some groups- you could take some child development classes or certification classes and meet other women who do child care. If you don't put yourself out there you will never meet anyone new. Good Luck!

Hi,
I feel for you. I moved to another state when I met my husband. It took me years to get over being home sick but it did eventually happen. You have a busy life but sounds like you have no time to yourself. Try to give yourself some..even if it's an hour a day. Also try to get your kids involved in other activities outside the home (like gymnastics) so you come in contact with other parents who you have something in common with. Good Luck!

i have been through these problems before-depression, having no friends and doing the same thing everyday-being mom and wife. i was a stay-at-home mom and that's all i did. i think for you if your truly not happy in life, you need to switch it up a little. i love kids and thought about doing daycare, but i didn't think i could handle doing it all day everyday. i decided to go to beauty school to be an esthetician. being around all of these super trendy girls made me want to be like them-the girl i was in high school. i started buying clothes that were cute-not just comftorable. i made some new friends and got back in touch with friends from high school and started going out every once in a while. i still wanted to be able to stay home with my kids if at all possible. i had an evening job for a while, but it wasn't what i wanted. recently, i found mary kay. i am able to be super girly-who doesn't love makeup and skincare-and i'm able to be at home with my kids when they need me. i'm not trying to solicit myself and my business, but it sounds like you need a change, and the only thing it sounds like you can change is your job since i'm sure you don't want to get rid of your husband or kids. if your at all interested in hearing more about what i do, visit my website: www.marykay.com/alyssab. it's ok if your not interested, but i would think about finding something you can do at home that you enjoy everyday oh and btw, you don't need to go to school at all to be a consultant. i was a little upset to learn i spent 8 grand on learning something i could learn for free! this is also something you can do on the side-you do NOT need to quit your job. working 20 hours a week is considered full-time, and you don't even need to work that much. i hope what i had to say helped! and i wish you all the best. life is short, why not make the best of it and be happy?

i also want to share a great book with you. it's called "what to say when you talk to yourself" by shad helmsetter

You sound very lonley. It sounds like you could use some more adult interactions.

Is there another in home day care provider in your area that you could meet up with a couple times a week? My daycare provider would meet another at a park a few days a week. It gave her some good conversation time and it gave the kids new faces to play with than the ones at their own provider's home. (You could contact your county licenser for possible connections if you wanted.)

I am not sure how many children you care for, but could you take advantage of the local libray story times during the week? It would get you all out of the house for a while and give you another outlet.

I think you need some opportunities to make new connections in your area. Could you join a city volleyball team or another sport to enable you to have a more regular social life? You and your husband join a coed team if that would be better. What about bowling?

I hope you find your smile again. I completely understand what it is like to feel like you have lost you with your busy family. It will get better again when your kids a bit older as you will socialize with their activities too.

Good luck,
G. (Mom of four)

Hello,
There are many things that can be the issue, from Low vitamin D count, which I know personally can really kick you in the pants and get you down, to a thyroid problem, to limited adult time- and you miss your family. I went through this about 8 years ago too. Was eventually diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, then a bad parathyroid- and low vitamin D- removed the parathyroid and got an RX for Vitamin D and I felt a lot better. I don't want to sound too churchy,but, get involved- you will get 2 benefits- time away from the kids- and adult time in a positive atmosphere. I like to go drink a beer from time to time too, and that isn't a bad thing- but, church gives everyone a break. Anti depressants work- I have been a prozac advocate for years, since the death of my son- I am now safely off meds, well anti depressants anyway and have learned- through the most awesome therapist, how to identify and modify what I am feeling. A good therapist won't just listen and let you ramble, they will cut you off and ask you why you feel a certain way- or what triggers you- they will help you identify and know yourself, it's a scarey thing to learn about yourself- and sometimes not too pleasant- but I found when I thought my therapist was the most wrong, or the most out of line with what she was saying to me- She was also the most right- or she wouldn't have got my feathers ruffled :) Good luck and have a GREAT day!

I worked at a inhome daycare helping out the owner friend from churh. I worked full time and brought along my daughter. After a year or so I just couldn't handle it anymroe I was BURNT out. You can only have so much of kids..I love kids like love kids. I have 2 of my own now. But I could never see myself working with kids in any field ever again it's very exhausting and takes away from my own kids to much.

Maybe you need to find a different job or get some ME time.

OK, I don't really have anything new to add, but I will chime in with agreement: you do sound depressed, and you DO NOT have to feel that way!!! The part where you do get out & do things without kids, but feel exactly the same way as soon as you get home tells me that this is not something you can fix by making friends/finding activities/etc. Please, please, make an appointment with your doctor - you & your family deserve to have you at your best.

For the record: I take an antidepressant, and was never told not to drink. I think the info that comes with it says to drink with caution, as we all should!

Telling you to quit your current job and find something more adult-fulfilling is probably easier said than done and probably just not economically feasible in the short term. But keep it in the back of your mind as a long term goal. Your mom side is being over-indulged and your woman side is starving.

I am not a big hugs and kisses sort of advice giver so my thoughts are gonna be pretty practical:
1.) Exercise. I personally hate it but when things got almost unbearable at work last year, I signed up a Snap. I go 3-4 times/week and for <1 hour. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I not only didn't hate it but that after a work out I can actually feel my brain release "happy chemicals"...A good substitute for meds.
2.) Continuing Education. Not sure where in the cities you are, but bigger cities all have adult community education offerings. Take a pottery class. Learn Spanish. Meet people.
3.) Sign your oldest up for a sport or activity. We have met lots of fun parents on the side lines of a soccer game. What an unexpected joy it is to have a BBQ with the friends we made at the ripe old age of 36!
4.) Tap your daycare moms for a girls night out. Or if that feels awkward, invite them to a home party (wine, jewelry, etc.). My daycare mom hosted events thru the Traveling Vineyard. None of us were huge wine aficiandos but just enjoyed getting together for girl time.

It sounds like you are overwhelmed with kids and just need a break. I understand you are not interested in joining knitting groups, but have you considered joining other types of groups? If you live in a smaller city, then I recommend looking at the churches in your area - larger churches have women's groups, parents groups, environmental groups, cooking groups, coffee groups, dinner groups, etc. Otherwise meetup has similar groups. Perhaps you could talk it over with your DH and he would be willing to watch the kids on that night.

wow..sounds like your in a heck of a rut..been there,,im not a believer in antidepressants at all..tried them after an incident left me with ptsd..the side affects were ugly-lowest dose..i stopped taking them.theres no magical cure-you gotta find your nitch-i know its hard these days to find an make decent friends.get on a couple chat sites..find a way to escape from children...my kids are grown an out the door-miss them terribly-so i got into animal rescue-i now have 2 dogs-2 cats-2 birds-2 fish...and they keep me busy enuff-dogs go on long walks-cats get cradled etc.plus my job keeps me busy...maybe find a pt job outside your home to talk to adults an interact with others outside your home.good luck to you,

Hi - I wish I had great words of wisdom but I don't. I do however just want to encourage you that while life has changed completely from 5 years ago, it will continue to evolve. As your children get older and get involved in activities, you'll be "getting out" more cause you'll be supporting them in their endeavors. It's a great way to meet other parents. My family understands that while I'm at all the events to support my children, it's also my social outlet. It's where I get to sit, talk, laugh, enjoy and be proud of my children.

One of my best friends recently moved from MN to CA. She is experiencing some of the same things that you are - leaving her friends and adult children behind. She did some research and found a website of how to get connected in her town. She found a couple of groups that really interested her and is starting to get out of the house more. Of course, she doesn't do daycare like you so she has more flexibility but she has really had to work at it. She has suffered from depression in the past so she really needs to work hard to make different choices. BTW - I know she would highly recommend not going on drugs. It took her years of hard work with our chiropractor and supplementation to eliminate all those terrible drugs from her system. She also experienced shock therapy as a treatment for her depression!

I wish you all the best!

D.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

I couldn't read all your replies, but I like what Fran had to say. Getting involved with some type of league like bowling, pool, darts, etc. would get you out with other gals and still get to have that cold beer ;) It's the "me time" you sooo need.

Although you are leary of medications, I would suggest talking with your Dr. about depression. I don't care for meds. either, but I've been on an anti-depressant (Effexor XR) for awhile and and it does help me. Although it doesn't always make life better, it does help the mood swings and the lows... kinda keeps you stay off of that 'roller coaster' feeling.

I don't know if it was Fran, or a different poster, but I like the idea of changing your daycare hours too. I think having that one day to re-coup can help you too. Do you have a quiet time during your day with the kids too? Maybe put a Disney movie in and wind down with the kids... 'come on - I know you probably want to take that quiet time to clean up or the such, but you need the wind down time too. I bet the kids would enjoy it too (you winding down with them).

I'm sorry I didn't have additional words of advice for you, but you seemed to have a lot of it already. Don't feel bad if your Dr. suggests an anti-depressant. I've had drinks with mine and I'm still ok ;) I'm not a big drinker though, but I think what you have to watch is how many you have with them... probably gets you drunker faster - my guess.

Hope you get better soon.

Many hugs,
~SR

Does your area have a 4k program? If they do, you could get your 4 year old enrolled. Having one less child for half a day may help.
My husband and I moved far from home 5 years ago. I was pregnant shortly after and then pregnant again when the first was 9 months. It made it hard to find new friends. Before we moved I spent spare time with friends going to bars, shopping, dining, etc. So I understand where you are coming from. Please remember alcohol is a depressent...it may be making your situation worse. Alcohol makes you feel good while you are drinking it but then even worse once it starts to wear off. Have you tried excercise? Something as simple as going for a walk can make you feel better about yourself and life in general. You could invite a neighbor to walk with you or you could bring a cell phone along and talk to a friend while walking. If it is too cold to walk outside go to your local mall.
Things are tough now but soon your kids will be going off to school which will make it easier for you to regain part of your life. Just hang in there!

C. M,
I do understand how you feel...I have been there and still have many days that I feel like that. I would recommend going to your regular doctor and talking to him/her about feeling depressed, not wanting to go out of the house, etc. Your doctor can recommend whether or not antidepressants would be a good idea. I was against trying antidepressant years ago, but once I was put on them my husband saw a big change for the better. Your doctor can also let you know whether or not to get counseling or anything else. My friend is able to just go to her regular dr, I can't since I am bipolar, BPD, OCD, have panic attacks among other things. Be honest with your dr about wanting to still be able to have a few beers if he recommends medicine so he can tell you the best way to handle that. I'm not sure because I don't drink, although I am not against drinking a little.
I live in MN and all my family is in Indiana so I also understand how it feels to have the family you are close to be so far away. Facebook can be a good way to communicate with family members who have computers and internet since you can chat and leave messages for free and not tie up your phone in case a daycare parent needs to contact you. It is also a good idea to have a good unlimited long distance on you telephone so you can talk when you need to with family.
I wish you the best and hope you will be able to get some friends near you soon.

You sound like you suffer from depression, because, as you said, life is good, but you're still unhappy MOST of the time. That screams "chemical imbalance".
There are non-prescription ways to deal with depression: excercise, regular and enough sleep, good diet, sunshine to name a few. (Although, medicine worked miracles with my husband and counseling can help if you have issues to work through)
I recommend you also take a college class or other class or sport you would like to try or are interested in(can you say adult socialization).
You may not realize, but your family will suffer from a mother suffering from long-term deppression. DO something about this. Make an appointment with a family doctor or counselor to get evaluated, and be totally honest with them about your concerns. They will probably direct you best.
I was diagnosed with depression since my mother's death, but I'm nursing so won't take meds, but I walk outside with a friend everyday and try to get good rest and I'm able to feel good most days.
Yes, your top roles are as a mother and wife, but you need to discover other things that can bring you joy and fulfillment and give your life variety. Take care of yourself so you can be your best for your family!
Remember when you're feeling down that it's the chemicals skewing your point of view of your wonderful life. Congratulations on your ablility to be home with your 3 great kids and having a loving, attentive husband.