My dd has a friend "Sara" who gets mad when she spends time with other girls. Sara stomps off and it upsets my dd who just wants peace. My dd only started hanging out with Sara in the last couple of years and her other friends she's hung out with since before kindergarten.
Sara has a hot temper and will say mean things to my dd when she plays with others at recess even though Sara is invited to join in. My dd has about had it. I don't want them to be enemies and we've invited Sara over many times, but it's not enough apparently. Sara is very insecure and doesn't seem to make friends easily (and may lose friends because she can be gruff.)
When is it time to advise my dd to let her go...or should I just let her work it out? It's just that my dd is very distraught when Sara is mad at her....it's like a bad marriage!
"Sara" needs the friendship, she just does not know how to go about it-can you just have her over and try to sort out the feelings and work through the angst?
It is time to let go of a friendship when a) they encourage bad or damaging behavior, b) your interests are no longer compatible, c) they are using you for their own gain or d) they make you feel bad about yourself.
You can tell her this (it's a good life lesson) but she has to be the one to decide whether or not to give the friendship up.
I had a best friend growing up. I was insecure too and didn't like it when she wanted to hang out with other kids besides me. I just wanted the one friend because it brought me some kind of security. I am not sure I let my friend know this and I certainly was never mean about it. I let her have her friends, but it hurt me inside. She did include me in these friendship circles and I was be grateful for it. I soon learned that I needed to make other friendships as well and I did. You can't count on one friend to be there always. She moved away in high school, but we stay in touch to this day, although not as much.
Your daughter may have to have a sit down with Sara and let her know that she is her friend, but she needs to have other friends as well. She should let Sara know that she wants to include her and that she won't dump her. Maybe Sara is lonely and is latching onto your daughter. Hope they work it out.
Tell your daughter that enough is enough. And that the next time Sara says mean things, she needs to say: "Sara, I'm friends with lots of people, and I'll play with whoever I want. If you don't like that, then we can't be friends anymore".
I would encourage your daughter to find her own feelings about this.
When my son has had 'difficult' friends (he's 6.5, so younger), I have just told him "you know, in life, some people are easier to be around and more fun and some people make it harder. It's really up to you how much time you want to spend with people. If someone is making it hard to be friends with them, if they don't feel good to be around, it's okay to choose to play with other friends who you have more fun with."
I really try to let him discern where he wants to put his efforts. I do not encourage him to drop the friend or to hold out hope that the person will change, simply because those sorts of changes rarely happen in the amount of time kids *need* for it to happen to continue being interested in the relationship. I also let my son know that it's not his JOB to make others happy. It's his job to be respectful and a good player (good sport) but he's not responsible for the happiness of others. (I hope that makes sense. Basically, if someone is a black hole emotionally, you shouldn't feel bad because they don't want to fix it. That's not your responsibility. And I'd never say it like that to a kid.)
Do let her work it out. You can be empathetic without being sympathetic (as in, practice reflective listening "Wow, it sounds like you felt hurt when she said XYZ".... not "oh, I'm so sorry honey, she's so mean") You want to help her with figuring out her own feelings, not so much telling her how you feel. And then, just give her emotional permission to do whatever she needs to do. "It's okay not to play with someone when they are making you feel bad. I wouldn't want too, either." Try to empower her without forcing the point. "Yeah, well, if Sara doesn't want to play, it does sound like Clara and Suzy are still up for it" or "You know, sweetie, Sara is responsible for making Sara happy. Not you, Sara. She could join in if she chose to, but that's not what she's choosing." Let her come to those insights on her own... just shed a little impartial light on the situation.
Hi, Sally:
Sara is a bully.
To order a brochure: "Bullying is not okay." Massachusetts Medical Society Public Health and Education at ____@____.com
(This is not my business address)
Tips to help your daughter:
1. Teach your child how to look the bully in the eye, stand tall, use a firm voice, and stay calm in difficult situations. Practice this at home.
2. Teach your child when and how to ask for help from an adult.
3. Encourage your child to become friends with other children, join adult-supervised groups in and out of school, and have your child's friends come over to your house.
4. Encourage your child to develop new abilities an interpersonal skills, though team sports, music groups, or social clubs.
5. Make sure an adult who knows about the bullying can watch out for your child's safety and well-being when you cannot be there.
6. Talk with the school principal or guidance counselor, as well as the teachers. Alert them to the problems you see, and work with them on solutions.
7. Write down and report all bullying.
Good luck.
D.
Sara is acting 'mad', but what is really going on is that she is hurt.
This is just a general comment. My experience, plus watching my neices grow up - between 10 and 12 is when girls often switch from childhood friends to the friends they'll have through middle and high school.
It's can be difficult, but it's also totally normal for kids to outgrow each other at this age, and I'd advise her to let the friendship grow and focus on new friends whose company she enjoys.
It's time to end the friendship when your DD wants to end the friendship.
The other girls sounds like she may not be as mature as your DD and some of her other friends, and is expressing herself in the wrong ways. Maybe she's feeling left out (intentional or not), maybe she's afraid these other girls are going to have an influence on your DD, where your DD will no longer want to be her friend.
Maybe a talk with the other girl first is a better option.
I think you need to teach your daughter where Sara's feelings are coming from. There is something in her life that makes her very insecure which should evoke empathy in your daughter. Tell your daughter no need to be distraught but she could feel some sadness that her friend feels the need to act that way. And then convey to Sara that she feels sorry for her and if she needs a friend to talk to, your daughter is willing to listen. But she is not going to forego other friends.
