When Is It Reasonable to Tell a Teenager Child They Can't Live at Home Anymore?

When he is 18 you can kick him out . Till then, give him a heads up what the expectation is for him to continue to live in your home.

Job, pay rent, pay a portion of the bills. follow the household rules.. whatever you and your husband decide. Have him sign a written agreement.

As long as he follows all of this and you and your husband want to allow him to continue to live with you guys,great.

If he does not follow the rules and you and your husband decide he is no longer to live with you. Change all of the locks on your home. Stop payment on his phone, whatever.. Make it very clear your son needs to call and get permission before he comes over.

We have dear family friend that went through this about 30 yrs ago. She had 2 sons. 1 quit school 1 semester away from graduating high school and the other 1 yr from graduating. These were excellent students, the boys wanted to become "musicians".They told her she was responsible for them till they were 18. They loafed around got into legal trouble. On the 18th bday of the youngest son, she hired a company to go to her house and take all of their stuff and place it on the front lawn. She had the house emptied, changed all of the locks and had a Realtor sell the house. She moved into a 1 bedroom condo. These boys floated around and finally about 4 years later got it together. got their GEDs and both graduated from college. Tough love. They are happily married with children and very Conservative.. It cracks me up the way they act like their mother did with them. I remember them just being 2 losers for so long.

I am sending you strength.

As a parent you ARE responsible for your child until they turn 18. If you don't want or can no longer meet your responsibilities call child services and discuss what options there are for your child. Sometimes you can surrender even a 17 year old, other times you may just go through a process of emancipation, if your son wants to live independently.

Honestly, I believe this should be reserved for the most severe cases, in which the youth poses a threat to the parents, siblings or society in general.

If you just have a lazy teenager, you should give him an deadline to move out on his 18th Birthday, unless he complies with your requirements to stay with you (if that is even an option).
I would revoke ALL privileges. If you co-signed for any accounts or credit cards, close them. You pay for his car, auto insurance, cell phone or any recurring cost? Cancel it! If you are on his car's title, take back the keys. If you are giving him money, stop!

I would take away everything from this young man, but the most basic necessities of life (clothing, food, housing) and let him know that the minute he turns 18, he better be prepared to take care of this himself as well!
Make sure the conditions are clear and firm. You and your husband have to be on the same page on this.

You are right in that you are not doing him any favors by enabling him, if he is smart, he might change. Chances are that he won't and will have to learn the hard way.

I know what I am talking about... my sister was a teen mom and got herself in all kinds of trouble and was mooching different people at different times. Interventions, therapy, she was even in inpatient treatment for a time - but she did not make changes until she had absolutely nobody who supported her behavior any longer. Once it sunk in she REALLY turned it around and lives a very happy and productive life with her family now!

Fortunately many teenager who go through this will shape up eventually - unfortunately some won't, but I wish you the best of luck!

Not your child, not your decision. If his dad allows it then that's the way it will be.

Legally, the child is the responsiblity of the parent until age 18.

Seems like boy has not had any parenting. Your husband needs to understand that being a parent is a lifetime job and NEVER goes away.

I don't know what a MIP is but take your names off library cards, cell phones, any payment plans, credit cards, etc. Explain what will happen at 18 if he doesn't straighten up and how expensive it is to live on your own. I agree with the poster that suggested the contract.

Good luck!

Can you get his library card revoked? Also, if your husband is giving him money, then that needs to stop. Stop buying food that he likes, stop washing his clothes.

I used to work with at-risk high school kids, and have learned to see quite a bit from their perspective. This may not be easy for you to follow, but I hope you'll try, because it could make a difference.

I hear that you're comparing your step-son's behavior to your already-determined pattern of how a child should be raised, with privilege and responsibility in balance. I hear you, and agree with your philosophy.

And as a detached observer, I can see that it is at odds with the pattern that has evolved in your family, so your opinions about right parenting have proven themselves essentially useless in this situation. And not only useless, but probably harmful to family communication, and I suspect communication is the one area where change could still begin.

I've studied a process called Non-Violent Communication for awhile that has made an enormous difference in my ability to connect compassionately with others, even in conflict. My husband and I use it to good effect when we disagree or when our individual "issues" arise. It takes some effort, but can start to make a difference immediately. And since you'll probably be legally on the hook for your step-son until he's at least 18, this could be a worthwhile exploration for you.

What's so great about NVC is that it teaches us to identify needs, which are always legitimate, in both ourselves and the "difficult" person. It helps us learn the difference between emotions, which arise naturally, and our concepts and ideas about feelings, which are learned (and often unproductive). Once I began to sort those out, I was amazed at how much easier it was to hear the other person, to feel compassion for their predicament, and to express my own underlying needs clearly.

Whether or not Dad is able to go there, you can still start the process yourself. You can google Non-Violent Communication (or NVC) for many sites that offer the basic process, coaching, books, videos, and classes. My best to you. Step-parenting is hard; my second husband took on an 11yo step-daughter, and we had some interesting times becoming a family.

It's your stepson I think after telling your husband your feelings and by the way you are correct I think you should step aside. Your husband should be disciplining his child. You can't raise up your hands and give up with your kids! I think until your husband grows up and takes care of his kid there isn't much you can do.

I'm sorry to be so harsh, but geeze what is your husband thinking?

Joanna

isn't there anything he values that you can take away? car keys? allowance, video games? he earns them back by doing chores, paying back his own fines...that's my first thought. i would also have insisted he got a job after the fines and tickets. who is paying for all his "fun"? sounds to me like dad is enabling all this. and you probably. and birth mom. you will all have to get on the same page (assuming birth mom is around) and gang up on him.

but the bottom line is, he is 17 and you can't force him, if he hasn't been raised to have respect and do the right thing. therefore, my last thoughts are - he'll be 18 soon and THEN, he is technically an adult (the creditors will stop coming after the parents) and on his own. some might say heartless, but if his dad isn't willing to take care of it, and (i assume) his mother isn't either, without their support there's not much you can do.

it sounds like his parents have a long history of just not dealing with him, so now he's possibly unreachable. he needs a lot more help than you can give him on your own.

I totally agree with Denise P. This is your husband's problem.

I would add that if you don't like, or can't live with, the way your husband deals with him then you have some decisions to make.

The above comments notwithstanding, I feel very sorry for this young man. He sounds really off track and in serious need of intense male leadership.

Good luck,
A.

Sadly, there isn't too much you can do unless your husband is on board with you 200%. First off you need to make sure your husband handles it and lets his son know that the two of you are a united front. Second you need to find out what are the conditions of support that were laid out in the divorce or custody agreement. Third NEVER ever speak to him in a nasty tone no matter what he does to annoy/tick you off. If your husband isn't willing to be the "harda$$" parent and lay down the law/rules or he throws you under the bus ("well she thinks you should") then you need to make a decision regarding what is best for you. Sorry to be blunt but that is the truth

Tell your husband not to give up on him! He needs him now more than ever! 17 is a tender age, do you remember the dumb things you did when you were 17? We all did dumb things, and if our parents just gave up on us, then most of us would be failures. I'm glad my parents didn't give up on me whe I was that age! In my opinion, giving up is just plain laziness. Yes, parenthood is HARD work, especially when they are teenagers, but remember...you signed up to be a parent, please don't give up.

I grew up in a strict home of "My house My rules!" If we were to live there then we followed the rules no exceptions. I think after high school is appropriate. Until then you both can't give up on him! It was not that long ago that I also "hated the world, and knew what was best for me!" He is going to fall on his face and you need to be there when it happens. However until that happens you shouldnt have to live in misery. You and your husband need to make a pact and lay down the law! after all it is YOUR HOUSE!! I would meet with the school and get on the same page. Communication is key right now at this tender age ( I have a 17 yr old sister who thinks she can figure it out on her own) Have rules in place and follow through. He is playing you both right now because he knows your not going to do anything. If he sneaks out call the cops, skips school then he needs to become truant. No more lying and making excuses for him.
Looking back I felt like I hated my parents, now being a young mother I hope I can be half the parent my mom and step dad were to me! Hang in there, I wish you well :) R.

I would typically say 18 or when he finishes high school. Being that this is your step-son I'm sure there's some type of legal agreement with his mother and you would need to follow the orders in the document.

In order to make things work, you and your husband must be in agreement with "a plan". If you are not united, then it won't work.

You said you've done everything. However, it seems like there are no rules and no consequences. You say he smokes in his room. Why is this allowed? Take the cigarettes away from him and flush them. Does he have a cell phone, computer, cd player, etc? Take them away. Take the door off his room and take everything out of it, except a matress/bedding on the floor and a box/laundry basket of clothes. Set meal times. If he isn't there, he doesn't eat. When he decides to head for the kitchen, stop him and tell him he'll have to wait until the next meal is served.

It's time to teach him my house, my rules. If you don't like it, you know where the door is.

Good luck.

Well, sounds like your teen is in negotiations & so far has done pretty good. Why would he leave or want to? Parents want to give their children all that they can but we tend to not require anything for all the extras. This is what happens. Parents have a legal & moral obligation to provide healthy food on a regular basis, a safe shelter, clothes & hygenic products, education. That is all. So, while he is out doing whatever, box up all the extras. Leave him a weeks worth of clothes. Take out all other items besides books, bed, pillow. Let him know meals are served at such & such time (leave him a clock) & let him know that negotiations are over. Your house, your rules. He doesn't like, he can provide his own house, or manipulate someone else to house him on his rules. Then you are not the parents that kicked him out, but rather he chose to leave. Let him know that when he chooses to be respectful, chooses to use good judgement, chooses to use his abilities to do his part as a family member, & chooses to exihibit self control, then negotiations can once again be open to allow some of the taken for granted luxury items to be returned, but until then it is what it is. He will throw a tantrum cuz that is what ungrateful kids do & he will start towing the line & earn some respect for you guys or he will excersize bad judgement & try & go it on his own & either fail and then learn a lesson & earn some respect for you guys, or find some sap to bum off of & possibly never learn since we seem to have lots of enablers in this world. Hard but true. Course you can do nothing & have him stay forever. At this point though, what do you have to loose? Very tough situation for sure. Best of luck.

Well there isnt much you can do because he isnt 18 yet. where is his mother in all this? Send him to his mothers! if i were you I'd talk to the police on options for you to try, and see if you are able to kick him out to teach him a lesson. He needs to realize he needs you guys to support him since he can not do it on his own, and with that, respect you guys and your household rules. I'am sure the police on there free time can set up a plan to help straighten out your stepson. Such as; when he starts acting up call the none emergency line(after you have already talked to them ahead of time and have set a plan for when he acts out) let them know that he is acting up and you'll be makeing him leave in so many minutes. Have him pack his things and if he doesnt do it, do it yourself or have your husband do it and then kick him out. Of course you'll give the speech, dont come back til you learn to...blha blha blha see how it is to leave on your own and feed yourself. its best if he doesnt have any money. He will either come back and agree to the rules(but dont give in he'll think your easy) or go to a friends or most likely his girlfriends. This would be the time to make phone calls to his friends parents and most important his girlfriends parents and let them know whats going on and not to intervine and allow him to stay cuz the police are involved and you dont need them to get introuble for harboring a child. Now for the police they can pick him up off the streets using some excuse for taking him in.since he is a child they will allow him to call you and when he does you tell him no you got yourself into it get yourself out your not our responsibility anymore, and since you wont pick him up he'll stay the nite in a cell or a few hours, they might even lead him to think he is going to juvy or the big house(they can go at 17 with certian things) Also I dont know where you live and im not sure if this applys to all states but here in Illions if a child runs away 3 times they go striaght to juvy for x amount of days after they spent so many hours or even a day or 2 being processed! he might hate you after this but it seems something this dramtic will help him. scaring him into what you need him to be like can help, depending on him though you might have to go as far as boot camp! Also try councling for him. H e might be depressed over his parents. I dont know if his mother is in the picture but this can be bothering him too. And in the end of all this when he grows up to be a repectable young man he'll thank you guys for what you did to straighten him out cause without that he wouldnt be where he is at in that ponit in his life! good luck!

When he is 18 you and hubby will be his landlords. You can demand rent, demand he will sign a lease agreement. If not then this will be a month to month rental. In that case you can give him 30 days notice. If he doesn't move under his own power you can then file for eviction at the court.

I think you have to wait till he's 18 and/or finished high school, don't you?