Husband Wants His Son to Come Live with Us, When He Turns 18! - Spokane,WA

I've only just skimmed the other responses. I think a good point has been brought up... it might be best to wait until he has graduated, especially if move would mean going to a new school!
After he has graduated, however, moving might be good for him. I was the oldest of 10 kids and I was the most self-reliant(sp?). My sibs were home-schooled but I spoke up for myself and went to public school for high school... then on to college. My siblings (the oldest is almost 30!) still live at home with my codependent mother. (dad split about 5 yrs ago). A codependent mother isn't going to give up the child willingly and the codependent child will be afraid to stand up to her because of fear that her love will be taken away. An outside influence might be needed in this case.

Hey K.,

You sound like a very compassionate person. Those boys (and your little girl) are lucky!

Your husband is setting himself up for disappointment and, unintentionally, forcing his son to "choose" one parent. I, too, would be very nervous about all of this.

The person who really needs the advice is your DH - while I can completely understand his love for his son and his desire to (finally) spend more time with him, your DH needs to stop and consider this from his son's perspective.

If your DH asks his son to come live with him on his 18th birthday and even, God forbid, suggests paying more child support just to keep mom happy, your DH would be forcing his son into a situation the boy can't win.

If he chooses mom (even if he only does so to get some peace), he knows his dad will be crushed.

If he chooses dad, he knows his mom will be crushed and angry.

As heart-wrenching as it is, your DH needs to simply present the offer in a low-key and loving way and then drop it. If his son chooses to stay with mom, your DH must be very careful to not show his disappointment to his son and to always keep the door open.

If he wants to "keep" his son in his life, he needs to let him go now - as his son grows in maturity and age, he will naturally gravitate to the parent that is content with life, and loves and accepts him unconditionally.

My heart really goes out to all of you. Best of luck, M.

Hi K.,

Shame on his mother for claiming to be a Mormon and then not acting in a Christian manner. I too am LDS and this is not proper behavior on her part. It sounds like you are trying to keep the peace, help everyone remain happy and grow. Bless you for your loving heart!

Let me tell you that I shoved my son into working on his Eagle Scout and when it came time for his final interview he refused to go. He told me this was my project and something I wanted for him, but it wasn't what he wanted to do. He felt resentful that I didn't really listen to him and made him do it. I was saddened by this, but I was also proud of him for stepping up and not taking credit for something he truly didn't feel was his. He was more grown up and responsible than I'd given him credit for. A hard lesson for me to swallow, but he grew to be a man in my eyes that day. And, yes, he did have his driver's license. This young man may not be as forgiving as my son was and she'll be the most disappointed in the end if she's not careful.

So, listen to all the good advice you've been given here and talk to your husband and family. I'm sure you'll do what's right for everyone. I'll keep you all in my prayers for an outcome that keeps peace and fulfills everyone's needs.

Wow - this is a very delicate situation so I think your concern is totally justified. I was actually in a similar situation on the "mom" side with my ex-husband. In the case of my ex-husband and me there weren't all of the issues of religion and driver's license (more about that later) - it was just a case of him wanting power and control and he wanted revenge. My situation was somewhat different in that my ex-husband was abusive and since you have other issues I'm not suggesting that is your husband's motivation.

So here's what happened in my situation:

I let my sons make their own choice without any argument from me when they told me their dad wanted them to move in with him. I told them they were 18 and old enough to make their own choices about where they lived. After a heavy negative campaign from my ex each of them decided to move in with him for awhile. With the older son it was 3 weeks later he asked to move back in with me. The younger one was closer to his dad, so he lived with him for about 5 months before he appeared back on my doorstep asking to move back in. For the younger one this was happening at the end of his senior year in high school and he almost didn't graduate due to the distraction and turmoil this caused him.

I would suggest that you and your husband proceed very cautiously and handle this very low-key. Your step-son doesn't need extra stress and confrontation during his last year of high school. Feeling forced to choose between his parents is really a no-win situation for him.

However, if your step-son talks to you and your husband between now and then expresses the desire to live with you, is very unhappy about his living situation with his mother or doesn't want to be forced to attend her church anymore you could mention that when he turns 18 he is legally able to choose where he lives and that he is welcome in your home. Then let it go. That way he will feel supported but not pressured.

If he chooses to move in with you fine, but I wouldn't have a big meeting with him before his birthday and put him in the uncomfortable position of having to make a choice.

About the driver's license - Be careful what you wish for! When kids get their driver's licenses it can lead to more headaches than you can imagine. Your insurance rates go up for starters, most get a ticket or have an accident (or both) within the first year after they get their license and
if they are late getting back from somewhere it worries you until they are home.

If he does decide to move in with you, depending on the agreement in their divorce, I would definitely see what can be done legally to quit paying child support to the ex-wife for him, but I would be careful that it doesn't appear to the court that the only reason you sought to have him move in with you was to avoid paying child support.

I know you and your husband are trying to do what's best for him, but if it will cause too much trouble for him to suggest it to him when he turns 18 you can always talk to him about moving in with you after he graduates.

Wow, you have your hands full!

First of all, once he is 18, it is totally his own choice and his mom has no say over him anymore unless he lets her. In no way do I think your husband should "buy" his son by continuing to pay child support for a child that she is no longer supporting. His support agreement probably says that it continues until age 18 or high school graduation, whichever comes later. So, it would only be a month an a half that she is out the money, not enough that it would be worth it to her to go to court to fight for it.
It sounds like his son is not yet mature enough to be on his own because his mom has not allowed him to grow up or learn to make his own choices. I think that is all the more reason to get him out of there. If he does whatever his mom says because he is afraid to stand up to her, you may find very soon that he goes on a mission for two years solely because his mom forces him to. Not wanting to rock the boat is sacrificing his son to keep his ex happy.
I think that telling his son that he wants him to come live with you guys would put too much pressure on his son to choose which parent to please. That isn't any more fair than what his mom is doing to him. I think that you guys should tell him that if HE WANTS to, he is more than welcome to come live with you guys when he turns 18, and that you guys would help him and support him in anyway you can. That may include driving him to seminary every weekday morning at 6am, and to church on Sundays and other church activities throughout the week. Or, it may mean sheltering him from his mother's wrath when he decides to stop going to the Mormon church, to quit scouts, and not going on a mission. He needs the opportunity to decide what he believes and what he wants for himself without worrying about how his mom getting pissed off with destroy his life.
I am sure I am going to get a lot of hate mail for this, but I lived through the same thing you are describing with your step son. My family was Mormon, my mom, very controlling... especially in matters pertaining to the church. I left home when I was 17 because my mom insisted I was no longer allowed to date or be friends with anyone that wasn't Mormon, and I had to attend every church function at the expense of school functions and my social life. I can tell you, that the wrath he will have to endure will not be pretty! My mom disowned me for about a year and wouldn't let me see my siblings. She got over it after about a year, and has a relationship with me again, but I have to be very careful to never give her a reason to believe she can control me again. If your son leaves the church too, you may have to build a bomb shelter for him to live in for a while (just kidding). Honestly though, in my experience (which is not limited to just my family), Mormons are great to other Mormons, they tolerate non-Mormons, but are vicious to ex-Mormons unless they think they can manipulate them back into the church. It'll be like divorce drama all over again.
Be prepared, but I think it is well worth the fight! Your son deserves it.

Hello:)
Well I am not an expert in parenting or expert at any thing, but maybe I can offer some words of encouragement that might help. He will be 18, soon, and once he turns 18, child support stops for him. Reading further, there are 4 1/2 more years for the younger boys that live with her. That would continue but for the boy who is turning 18 the ends. I don't think of your step son asking his dad to be there to tell his mom is a sign of him not being mature enough, I think it is what it is, him wanting dad there for support and back up. I don't blame him.
Please try to talk hubby out of paying child support in hopes to keep her happy. Knowing from experiance (I am a step mom too, of an 8 yr old, since she was 2 1/2) Just because you give her one thing to make her happy, she will find something else to be unhappy about... if not more. You give a little and they take a LOT!
Coming from my husbands perspective, I can understand your hubby's side. Not wanting to make her(mom) mad because you still have so many years left with the youngest. But in my end, I see what you are going through. It is a hard situation, but now that the oldest is turning 18... he will then be considered a legal adult and can make decisions on his own.
If he so chooses to move out on his own, he can. Nothing she or anyone else can do about it. The court system will tell you the same thing.
I wish you the best of luck and patience with this situation for you and your hubby and children.

Without knowing any of the details...it seems like asking mum to give up her son the last year of highschool...is an unlikely proposition (regardless that he will be 18).

Just imagining: I know that if I had full or the "major time" custody of our son, and my ex-DH "took" him his senior year...I would be FURIOUS, heartbroken, and would feel incredibly betrayed. And THEN I'd have to figure out how not to have those resentments tumble out on my son...So that "last year" before college that a parent gets...turned into a battle of the exes. Ouch. Unless there are extenuating circumstances...I'd think it over long and hard. On the surface it seems more like a double knife blow to mum, taking that year away from her and taking it for myself.

That said. I know I wouldn't be thrilled, but if my son chose to live with his dad while attending COLLEGE, I wouldn't feel like he and my time with him had been stolen from me.

Sticky situation

Wow--- K. you already have a load - but I have to confess--- I hope you give this boy a chance--- poor guy--- he has been shut off from so much that is considered ordinary by teens ( THE ONLY ROAD ___ THE ONLY road to having a drivers' license is Eagle Scout????? BALDERDASH_ there are many ways for a teen to work hard and show responsibility, initiative - and ministry- WITHOUT being an Eagle Scout ( it's a fantastic program- but the ONLY way??? -- ) ----What if this boy NEEDS his fathers' support -- I could never have stood up to my mother at 18 - and kids today are a LOT younger than I was 40 years ago. Give him a chance- work out an agreement with your husband so that if it becomes a problem for your family - the experiment can be called off without hurting this boy too much--- sigh--- I just feel for him.

You are generous to offer your home and driving lessons to your husband's 18 year old son. My sister also has an adult stepson, and it's been difficult on all of them.

My "advice" for what it's worth, is to decide with your husband what the house rules will be for this stepson. Even though he's technically an "adult," he can abide by your house rules. He can also help around the house and get a part time job to help with his room and board. Another thing to consider is the cost of auto insurance. Unfortunately, young men have high insurance cost. Even my daughter's insurance was high until she reached the age of 19 (she got her license at 16).

As far as pleasing the ex-wife, that's not going to happen. She has her beliefs and you have you have yours. The stepson is technically an adult and can choose which parent he wants to live with. She will have to abide by his decision, like it or not. Don't let her intimidate and harass you.

God bless you for offering your stepson a home. He should be grateful he has you as parents.

First of all, you need to know what the parenting plan stipulates before anyone starts talking about moving, etc. My brother has a son who turned 18 in January and he was so hoping that he son would decide that he would live with him full time, rather than the joint custody arrangement he has now with his ex. Their divorce and the parenting plan were contencious, to say the least. Driver's license is also an issue, as my nephew isn't the best student. Having a license would provide an opportunity, an excuse to not do the homework. Well, my nephew didn't move in full time with his Dad, and it broke Dad's heart. Teenage angst and not wanting to be held accountable. This way he figures he always has a home if he got in trouble at one house, there's a second home. As far as your step-son needing a driver's license to get to school, no he doesn't. The school bus will get him there just fine. My kids don't drive, my youngest is a sr. this year and none of them had their licenses and they either rode the bus or were taken to school by one of us. Bus works just fine. Now, you may be a road runner taking him to events and picking him up after practices, but this will be small potatoes and it gives you both an opportunity to interact more with him this final year of school. Yes, at 18 he can have a voice about where he lives. The child support payment issue will have to be resolved. You might want to consider what will happen to the younger brother when and if the older brother moves out. They are brothers and there is a support system there that they have developed. What plans does he have after graduation? College? You say his mom is Mormon, does he plan on going on his mission trip? His religion may play a huge part in his daily life, how will he be able to continue practicing his faith? can you support him in those activities? Lots to think about. But again, first place to start is with the existing parenting plan. Then have a very serious talk with him and then again with him and his little brother. This is a family decision as much as it's his decision. I wish you all well and peace.

K., you have received some good advice. I just want to add to it.

I have a stepson who will be 18 soon. I have been in his life since he was 3 years old. He lived with us from the age of 7 to 15. We do not have a great working relationship with his mom but love to talk with his stepdad.

According to our lawyer in wa state, we will have to pay for child support as long as he is in school. So if he turns 18 while he is in school, you will still have to pay for child support until he graduates. If he continues and goes to college, you may also have to continue to pay. You really need to talk to a lawyer on this matter. It could be different within their divorce decree/parenting plan. It depends on what they set up.

As for moving in, I would have my husband make the offer but do not push. By pushing the subject, it might create problems with mom and other child. It also might be something the son does not want. It's always good to offer. The worst he could say is no.

Also, if he can't stand up to his mom, then it seems he is not mature enough for a driver's license. In this day and age, teaching other ways to get from point a to point b would be better. I think though the whole Eagle Scout thing is a copout.

My stepson thought that if he waited until he was 18, the state would just give him a license. He doesn't want to have to study for the test!!LOL So I don't know when he will get it but if he doesn't want to study for the test, I don't want him on the road!!

Hope this helps. This can be a trying time!! Good Luck~

This is a hard one for many reasons, and all the responses have hit on a lot of them. These are just some thoughts, first of all....and this is the FIRST thing that came to my mind...If I were the son I would not want to leave my school in my senior year (this is of course if the Son is happy in his current living situation), I would want to stay with my friends and graduate with the people I have been going to school with. I know that my sister did not move until her daughter got out of high school for this very reason, her daughter was determined to stay in her High School until she graduated. Your Husband also needs to think about that when/if he asks his son to move. He may be turned down only because his son wants to finish school where he is and not for any other reason. Next.. He will be 18 so as of that point he is free to make his own decisions about his living arragements. He however, may not want to hurt his Mom's feelings, and all though you all may not be on the best terms with her, it is his Mom and I'm sure he respects and loves her and cares about her feelings.
As for the child support, child support stops when the child turns 18, so that should be the end of that. No discussions no "bargins". As for the son asking his Dad to go with him to ask his Mom, that would be mearly for a sign of support not weakness and you husband should ONLY go if he can be civil, calm and in no way turn it it to a big shouting match, that would just make it worse for the son (not to mention not a good example to show his son how to handle situations). Again this is just my opinion and I hope some of these thoughts help. In a nut shell I would encourage your husband to ask his son if he wants to move in after he gets out of high school or give the option of moving now or after he graduates. And just support what ever decision your son decides to do.

When the boy turns 18 he is free to live with his father regardless of what the boys mother says. You would not owe child support on a child living with you, unless you owe "back support". The boy will make his own decisions on being Morman or not...he has a right to know both his parents. The mother sounds very controlling...the boy will come to see each of his parents as they are.I would just be welcoming...not try to "parent" him he seems to have to much female parenting already. Good for you for being willing to open your home to a teenager!!!!

In most states the child can choose witch parent to live with from the age of 14. A person of 18 is not a child, he is a man, and can make his own decisions. You and your husband should sit down with his son and talk to him about what he wants, and then proceed accordingly. Don't let this woman scare you, you and your husband have rights.

Well, to the easiest question first, child support ends at 18 no matter where your stepchild lives.

As to to the oldest son coming to live with you, at 18 it is his choice, he is emancipate and can live where ever he wants. I think the other stepson can also choose where to live also. Check with your lawyer.

But it will be a big mess and the anger your hubby's ex will have will be immense. Even one leaving will be causing a hornet's nest, and you must be careful and deliberate in your planning. If this is what you want to do, explore and be aware of what is coming, and the effect of what it will do to the kids--your own included. Make sure it is worth it.

Take care, W.

The first question I guess is does your/his son want to come live with the two of you... This is a loaded question because it sounds like the ex-wife is very bitter (enough to have killed your hubby in her mind). Unfortunately there is going to HAVE to be face to face communication, And I don't think that paying support to the ex-wife is going to smooth things over- and it shouldn't even be brought up because child support is to assure the son has what he needs not to appease the mom. SERIOUSLY find out what the son wants to do?.?.. He maybe ok with the things the way they are. Does he work or play sports or have hobbies? Does hubby have contact/ interaction with the younger son too? This is going to be a continuance of current concerns with older son... AND you know the ex-wife is going to feel defensive (extemely) if it is religious reasons falling in as root thinking on her portion thats a whole new can of worms...... Oh boy am I sorry. I feel for you, this can't be done without making waves somewhere

I am so sorry to hear that your husband's ex is so angry/upset. It is very hard to comunicate with people like that. I know a lot of Mormons and am happy to say that all are not like that. How does that saying go... "There's at least one in every family"?

What are your stepsons plans when he graduates high school? Many Mormon boys go on 2 year missions when they turn 19 years old. Has he said anything about that? Does he want to go to college? What does he want to do for a career? Does he have a girlfriend? You said that he is 'scared'? to talk to his mom about things, do you think that he is the same way with his dad? If there is a lot of contention/anger/arguing going on, maybe he just wants to go and live on his own for a bit to clear his head?

I'm sure you've probably covered all of these things. I hope all works out well for you and your family.

Technically when he turns 18 it is his choice, he is considered an adult. Is this move your stepson's idea or his father's? It may be good to meet up in a neutral environment and discuss all these things together as a group. He should be given opportunity to discuss his wants and needs with the understanding that his choices will be supported by all parents involved. It sounds like he has been very sheltered at his Mother's house and coming to your house would give him a little time to mature to adulthood before heading out into the real world. Good Luck with this.