When Is an Appropriate Age to Introduce Half Siblings?

I'm with you. I don't see the point of meeting "a brother" when your son barely knows "a father." Your son barely knows one of his parents, and now your ex is planning to make that more complicated by introducing two other strangers, a 3 year old and a stepmother? Your son is crying because he doesn't understand his father, and just as he starts to have a superficial relationship by phone, your ex wants to change that or complicate it.

I'd put my foot down, I think. Your ex has no set schedule, so he's not "entitled" to anything. Maybe he thinks your son will help him bond with the little one, or maybe he thinks the little one will help him find something to do with your son. Perhaps he thinks kids 3 and 8 will naturally have something in common? I don't know. I think you should consider some way of saying your ex can talk to your son if it's based on getting to know your son and having the call or visit be ALL about your son. Say that you want him to have a relationship with his father and you welcome it, but it's not going well by introducing the idea of other people. I'm wondering if your son feels a bit abandoned by his father, and now there's a new son who shares Daddy - in fact, he has the biggest share. Tell your ex that your son needs to feel he's special in Daddy's eyes and he needs to establish a relationship of trust and bonding before he's ready to meet anyone else. Dad should focus on your child and his life and interests; Dad should not be requiring your son to focus on Dad's other family.

Your son is a child and he doesn't have a say about bedtime or going to the doctor or wearing a seatbelt. He absolutely DOES have a say about being in uncomfortable situations with a dad he barely knows. I can't imagine sending him several states away to live in a strange house with strangers, and I can't imagine Instant Family showing up at your door either.

The fact that your ex gets angry is a big red flag. And you're not the bad guy to your son if you put the brakes on this. You're just a bad guy to your ex - and who cares? Maybe you can say you would agree to X number of phone calls (are you doing FaceTime so they can see each other, or is Dad this disembodied voice over the phone line only?). You can agree to Y number of visits in your state so your son can get totally comfortable over time. Then, he will maybe want to meet Dad's family - but the father-son relationship has to be paramount. The trick is getting your ex to agree to it and see the wisdom of it, and that it will make things better in the long run for everyone. If your ex would agree o joint sessions with a child psychologist about how to make this work, you can say you'd be up for it. But it sounds like he's digging in his heels.

I have a friend whose son has anxiety and other problems. He's actually hospitalized now for mental health issues. The father moved several states away and remarried (no kids) and he rarely sees the son and daughter he had with my friend. He occasionally talks by phone with his son in the mental health hospital, and he has said some inappropriate things, to the point that he is not allowed any unsupervised phone calls or visits at all. My friend would rather her ex be an involved and caring father, but it's not happening. And yes, he blames her for not letting him coparent, yet he bails on "his" vacation weeks, weekends, and holidays, and he has no idea what's going on in school or the hospital even though he's on all the forms, is allowed to call the school, and can access the website. He's pretty useless, so while my friend says nothing bad in front of the kids, she's not bending over backwards to give extra opportunities. She gets everything in writing from her ex - texts, emails, etc. - and she saves them in case she needs them. If he calls her, she notes the date and subject matter. You might do that.

When the child shows interest in meeting the rest of dad's other family.. Sounds like your child is not ready. I would wait

I think you are doing the right thing. Your son is not ready. I think it is great that you are in tune with your son’s feelings, and even so impressive that you are teaching him how to be in touch with his feelings and how to advocate for his feelings.

The only other thing I would do is start previewing books at the library that have to do with having an absent father and/or distant step-sibling. The librarian will be helpful. Amazon can be helpful too. I would preview them, and when you find appropriate ones, read them with your son. Not to give him the idea that he has to meet this step-sibling or accept his father’s new family, but to help him conceptualize and normalize his feelings about what is happening. It’s hard to find words that describe the feelings your son may be having regarding this situation, and books can be very helpful.

Stay strong mama!

I'm not sure why he would be pushing for this now. It sounds like he pretty much checked out a long time ago. I would respect your son's wishes and not have them meet at this time. When both are older, they may decide they want to and that's fine. I would not speak to the wife at all, ever, since she has no say in the matter. Keep communication open with your son to help him deal with this news, since it is causing him stress.Let him know you understand him and will not force him to do this.

You are doing the right thing by listening to your son and his desires. I would also consider getting him a therapist because he is sure to have a lot of complicated feelings about his fathers absence in his life and the fact that his father is more present for his brother and not him. The therapist can also help you know when your son might be ready to meet and how to best approach it.

This is very painful for you son. He's only 8, but he can see that his dad abandoned him and yet is there every day for his other son. I went through this with my Dad...who was there for my stepsisters growing up, but didn't pay child support for my brother and I and saw us infrequently. I have struggled with self esteem and low self worth. I don't know what to advise you, but go with your gut feelings. Also, talk to your ex privately...tell him, if you want your 1st son to meet your second son you need to treat them both equally and you have not done that up until now. This makes your first son feel like he is "less than" your other son. Meeting him is just going to let him see with his own eyes how unequal things are. Are you going to step up and start being a father, a REAL father and treat our son equally? Good luck with whatever you do. I feel for your son. I always put on a brave and happy face as a kid, but it was a lie because I could not handle things otherwise.

I would say this situation is different because your son doesn't have a relationship with his dad. So it could be traumatizing for him. I think until he has a relationship with his father, there's no point.

I have a friend who met her biological half sister (she was adopted) when she was an adult, and it was traumatizing. Even though it went well and they liked each other, because she had no relationship with them at all ... it was just emotionally draining and stressful overall. They didn't have anything in common other than being related.

Nice people, and they keep in touch but there's a bit of an odd element ...

So imagine a kid dealing with that. Too much and age 8 is that jump in kids' development.

Trust your gut, say no. The age gap between the kids is too great too. The little boy will be more into his toys at this point than your son.

They are thinking purely (selfishly) of their son.

You know your child. If you think he’s not ready then wait. Text messaging is not a relationship. Don’t beat yourself up over this. Realistically, at this point in time, they are distant relatives at best. If they want to meet when older consider it then.

I think I would find a good family therapist to help you to help your son with this situation. I suspect your son’s feelings about his father are complicating his feelings about his sibling, and although his father sounds pretty lame, he is his father, and I think your son would benefit from finding a way to think about the situation, something like, “Dad loves you very much, but he wasn’t really ready to be a good dad. He has another son who is your brother and could be a good friend.”

I think even with the distance, it might be nice for the siblings to have a relationship as they grow up. I think seeing his brother might reduce the anxiety he seems to be feeling about him, and it would be nice for them to have a relationship as they grow, even if it’s primarily through Skype. I’d bet a 3 year old would think your son is really cool, which might help your son feel better about the situation.

I’d think you’d want to be in charge of any contact, not his father, so you can provide emotional support. Do you know how the 3 year old’s mother feels about this? I wasn’t sure if you meant she is pressuring you or your ex-husband’s mother is pressuring you? Pressure is never helpful, so I would make it clear to anyone who is pressuring you to cut it out. You can tell them you are considering how to best help your child, and that you have to be able to trust the adults to behave themselves appropriately.

Facts are facts. Your son has a half brother. Why are you trying to shield him from this fact?
Your son is not ready? Really?

I suggest video chatting so he can see his 3 year old brother and introduced himself.

Start small and let the relationship progress. It is his father’s way of trying to revive the relationship. Your son can write his brother a letter, send pictures, or small toys. Young kids like getting mail.

Just imagine the difference if your son had an older half brother who he could look up too, call and ask for advice....in the absence of his father? It would be huge!

My son and daughter have a 1 year old half sister and I am happy to see they get the opportunity to help take care of look out for a younger child. This experience will only make them better people and parents one day.

You should foster this relationship not create a divide.

Don’t push your issues on to your child.

I bet you and your son would be “ready” if he needed a kidney from his brother.

what a bummer for this young child that his parents are being so unhelpful about this.

there's no 'appropriate' age. not only is every circumstance different, every child is different.

you say you allowed a relationship with the father due to the wishes of the child. i can understand that. but the relationship should have strict parameters which include a lot of supervision and oversight, since a very young child does not have the wherewithal to manage how this relationship progresses.

you certainly present the father in a bad light, but you don't mention whether or not he's been paying to support your son. the fact that he's 'more interested in his new son' sounds like a pejorative spin- most people have the appearance of more interest in a child they're living with, but since this guy is calling and trying to set up a meeting, he DOES sound interested in this son too.

if your son was blindsided by the news that he has a brother, that's on you as well as the father. did the two of you never discuss when and how to let your son know? why would you leave something that huge and important hanging out there like that?

most kids would want to meet a sibling, regardless of age. that fact that your son doesn't suggests to me that you're coaching him.

he sounds confused and manipulated to me.

i suggest a family counselor to help guide all of you through choppy waters that none of you are handling well at the moment.

khairete
S.

There are several steps to take before introducing any child in a new situation. I suggest the most important first step is for his father to have a consistent relationship with your son. There are more steps such as meeting his father and step brother at a neutral place with an activity. After that if your son doesn't want to spend any time with the step brother.

I doubt his father will develop a relationship with his first son. I also suggest his father was inappropriate telling your son this. You are the one to make that decision. Children should only be told of a situation like this after a plan is in place. That you and the father agree to a helpful transition.

Your son's father has a relationship with his second son. Your son will be the outsider unless his father develops a one on one relationship with your son so the two sons have an equal footing with their father as the new son.

I just realized your ex lives several States away. He would not be able to form a close relationship even if he agreed to do so because of the distance. Your ex is wrong to even think they could meet. And a 3yo is not able to send messages to your son or in any other way form an attachment to each other. Three and eight year old children have nothing in common. Three year olds do not have have an understanding of relationships. As I type, I'm becoming angry that he would even consider the two boys meeting. I suggest you tell him that the answer is NO and you will no longer discuss this with him.

It is a good idea to find books about single parents, broken parental relationships and how common it is to have half brothers. Perhaps his teacher or school counselor could help him. There are many different ways to be in a family. Your situation is not uncommon.