When in Doubt Ask Other Mamas

Updated on November 22, 2006
T.T. asks from Denton, TX
7 answers

Through our church (The Harvest Church, Denton, Texas) we have meant the Most amazing family, the husband and wife actually lead my daughters children's church and I have to say they are just wonderful people.
They have just suffered the loss of their beautiful daughter. Through one of her routine ultrasounds they discovered little Emmie had Trisomy 13 and other major health issues. She was born yesterday and with her amazing parents strength she was returned to her maker.
The family has been amazing through all of this, emails comforting us, people who love them.
We have been taking donations to get them food. They also have four other blessings and are so grateful for them.
My question here ladies, and maybe gentleman.
I have such a love for this family, I can't even explain it, and I also have such sadness. We would like to do something for them. But I've never been through this, I have never lost a child I can't even imagine. Is there a book someone can recommend. Or maybe would it just be to continue to pray for them and just let them be for now?????? I know no gift will help but a token or something.
Thank you for any help and advise.

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So What Happened?

I wanted to share with you wonderful and helpful people the letter this family emailed to us and then it was sent throughout the church. I know after reading it I went home and hugged my children and was thankful that I have wonderful people this in my life. After reading it I know you'll understand why I have such a love for them.
Ladies thank you for your help and suggestions they all have been wonderful....
Many Thanks and Love.
T. T.

harvest family -

Emmie Faith Frederick was born into heaven on Monday, Nov 20, 2006 at 5:49pm weighing 1 lb. & 10 inches long. While we didn't have the joy of spending time with her while she was alive, we were blessed with an hour and a half of time with her and the rest of our immediate family: her siblings Rylie, Cooper, Kenlie, & Marlie and her Grandparents: Roger & Margy Frederick and Linwood & Sue Arthur. By God's grace this time was special beyond description and will be saved in our memories forever. It was amazing to see the kids say hello & goodbye to their baby sister. The faith of children is amazing and something all adults could afford to learn from. Mathew 19:14 Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Now we know the true meaning of that verse.

Words cannot express our appreciation to each and every person that has been thinking about us and praying for us these past few weeks. The comfort we have received through your love is simply beyond description. Whether it was an email, a voice mail, a phone call, or simply a silent prayer for us - we have literally felt God's love through each of you. If we didn't return the call, please know that we just didn't have the energy at that time; but please be assured that your message was so very welcome and comforting to us. When tragedies happen you learn how many people love you and I can tell you that we are rich beyond measure in friends. Just to know that we could pick up the phone and call so many people is overwhelmingly reassuring. I can tell you that although we have felt enormous grief and sadness, we have never felt alone. It has been amazing to see how God has used our precious baby girl to reach so many people - even those that don't even know us personally. Many people go through life without impacting a soul - yet Emmie was able to touch hundreds of people without taking a single breath. We know that someone will get to hear the hope and truth of salvation because of her and there's nothing a parent can be more proud of than that. We also know that others that already know Christ will be strengthened in their faith - I know that we have. So, although we are sad to never be able to experience life's special moments with Emmie, we are so proud that her life will have impact on this world. We also take enormous comfort knowing that today she is in heaven -healed and happy because the first sight her eyes ever saw was her Lord and Savior. She'll never experience pain, sadness, grief, loneliness, or the other emotions that make life difficult. I think I can speak for all parents when I say that's what we all want for our children; yet we know that we cannot protect them from the reality of life. While we selfishly wish that Emmie was with us this very moment to hold, we find peace knowing she is in the perfect place and we cannot wait till we get to meet her again. We know that she has already met her great-grandparents that preceded her in death and we believe that there was great rejoicing when they met.

There will be a graveside service on Wed, Nov 22, at 2pm at Roselawn Memorial Park at 3801 Roselawn Drive in Denton. (please find directions on Mapquest or other map service). The service is open to family and close friends. Since it is graveside only we realize there will be obvious limitations. We do not want anyone to feel obligated to come; yet we also do not want to limit anyone's presence. Whether you are able to attend or not, we know and appreciate your love and support. So many of you have asked what it is you can do for us and/or to show your support. Fortunately for us, we have an incredible family that has been invaluable during this time. Without them we cannot even fathom going through this experience. We are also blessed with an unbelievable church family. Therefore, there is not really a specific function that we need done for us that is not already taken care of.

The thing that would make us the most proud and honor Emmie Faith's life the most would be a donation to the children's ministry at the harvest church in her honor. Many of you know that our family has been very active in the start up of the harvest church over the past year and a half. Kristi and I serve as children's church team leaders. We knew there would be a strong desire to send flowers to our family and/or for the service. While we are so thankful for those sentiments, it would truly mean so much more to us to have something tangible in Emmie's honor through this fund. We will work with our Pastor to create a specific ministry with the funds generated in her honor and it will include some sort of outreach targeting children. We don't want to be ungrateful for your generous desire to send beautiful flowers to comfort us during this time - however, we all know that flowers are temporary and we sincerely want Emmie's life to touch people for years. Donations can be made by mailing to: the harvest church, po box 50565, Denton, TX 76206 or can be made on-line at www.theharvestchurch.net. Click on the "online giving" tab and in the "reason section" please note Children's Ministry/Emmie Faith on your donation.

. Many of you know that our family has been very active in the start up of the harvest church over the past year and a half. Kristi and I serve as children's church team leaders. We knew there would be a strong desire to send flowers to our family and/or for the service. While we are so thankful for those sentiments, it would truly mean so much more to us to have something tangible in Emmie's honor through this fund. We will work with our Pastor to create a specific ministry with the funds generated in her honor and it will include some sort of outreach targeting children. We don't want to be ungrateful for your generous desire to send beautiful flowers to comfort us during this time - however, we all know that flowers are temporary and we sincerely want Emmie's life to touch people for years. Donations can be made by mailing to: the harvest church, po box 50565, Denton, TX 76206 or can be made on-line at Click on the "online giving" tab and in the "reason section" please note on your donation.
Please accept our sincere appreciation from our entire family for your thoughts, prayers, and support. It has been a difficult time and we know there are tough days ahead. But, we push forward in faith and hope knowing that one day we will see Emmie and hold her close! We hope all of you have a safe & wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. We are thankful for Emmie along with our entire family. God has been so good to our family and this year, more than ever, we are truly thankful to Him.

Please forward this message to anyone that knows our family. We don't have email addresses for everyone and it would mean the world to us if you could help us share Emmie's story. Also, we apologize if you receive this message more than once as we will be sending out from different sources trying our best to make it to every address we have.

We don't have email addresses for everyone and it would mean the world to us if you could help us share Emmie's story. Also, we apologize if you receive this message more than once as we will be sending out from different sources trying our best to make it to every address we have.

We love you all more than you'll ever know,

Kelby and Kristi Frederick

More Answers

L.A.

answers from Dallas on

http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,49-1-55...

This site above is a very short, wonderful talk that may offer words of comfort.

http://mentalhealthlibrary.info/newsandevents/newsletters...

And this site above is a GREAT resource for anyone trying to help a person or family who is greiving. It is titled, "Finding peace when a loved one dies". It also gives wonderful links for resources that may be a help and a comfort to them. I have not lost a child, but I did lose my father and though it was hard, I felt peace knowing we would be reunited. My hardest time was being the support for my widowed mother. This website I listed above helped me understand better, and with that knowledge, I was able to help her more.
God Bless, Lisa

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J.S.

answers from Dallas on

Just my opinion and experience...something tragic happened to me when I had my son. All my friends were great, and they brought us food all the time. The best thing they did for me was give me time by myself when I first got home from the hospital. There were others that called all the time, and I ended up having to screen the calls.

The best thing you can do is to not offer advice...just listen. Let them talk and get it all out. The worst thing that people said to me was "I know how you feel". Not one person that I knew had been in that situation, so they didn't know how I felt. Just let them know that you'll be there for anything that they need.

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A.

answers from Dallas on

I am not sure how close you are to this family, but one idea that I had was to make a quilt for them of some sort. When my best friend was diagnosed with cancer we took muslin and had lots of church friends and family write a little message or quote, and then had someone add a border and quilt it for her. It is beautiful and she says that everytime she is sad, or scared, lonely etc, she feels like her quilt is a huge hug from all of us. Maybe at some time in the future a quilt could be made for them from some of the baby clothing items they had prepared for the baby. I do also think that simple things like dinners being taken in help, but it can get overwhelming. My best friend said that although she appreciated visitors and phone calls, she was really only in a place to talk to her closest friends, so helping to ensure that people are respectful of their time would be great. I had some people from church help care for my children so that I could sit with her whenever she needed, it was sort of indirect service to her, but she needed her best friends with her, and that was a great way to help make that happen. I know it is not exactly the same situation, but I thought it might help. God bless you for your thoughts and efforts on their behalf, I know that it will mean alot in the end! ~A.~

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M.W.

answers from Atlanta on

T.,
First, let me wish condolences on the family...it is so hard for parents when the circle of life is "broken" and parents end up burying thier child instead of the other way around.However, it is better for a child to die and fly with the angels peacefully then to suffer here in pain.

No gift can replace thier child.. so please dont try.. it would almost be insulting i would think. Only God can calm thier spirits and give them peace about His decision. The only thing you can offer them is prayer and yourself. Be a silent hand. Sometimes words dont need to be spoken but a heartful hug and kiss could do wonders. Let them know that you are there for them by BEING THERE FOR THEM. Trust God for healing and restoration. Only He knows why the child is no longer here, however remember the famous scripture "The fervent effectual prayer of a righteous man (woman) avails much"

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K.Y.

answers from Dallas on

I have a Christian friend that lost a son years ago and developed a website called www.treasureinheaven.com. Later when your friends are better able, I would direct them to that site to read and learn and also add their baby's name to it. But meanwhile, on that same website their is a grief survival kit that you can put together and give to them showing you care. It has very specific things that you put in it and the cost adds up, but maybe someone can go in with you. Make sure and print out the page that describes the reasoning behind all the seemingly random items. They would probably be touched with the thought that went into it. It is difficult to find on the website if you don't know what you're looking for so follow these navigation tips: Click on Support from the home page, then click on Grieving A Child and from there click on How Can I help? which leads you to a list of topics like what to say and not say and in that list is the Grief Surviavl Kit. Once there, make sure and click on the link that prints out the info for your friends, as I mentioned before. Hope this helps! Umbelievably, I've had several friends lose babies. It is so hard. I know you can minister to their hearts though.

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J.C.

answers from Dallas on

The Christmas Box by Richard Paul Evans is a really good small book. It is about the loss of a child. I feel it is a good book for everyone.

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J.Y.

answers from Dallas on

I agree w/the other mama, the worst thing someone can say is "I know how you feel." No one does-even if they've been through the exact same situation. "I'm sorry." does not help either. The best thing that some did for me, was to let me know it was o.k. to talk about it. And let me talk about it. Some people were so uncomfortable w/my pain that they avoided talking about it at all. Maybe, you could also offer to watch her other little ones, so she & her husband could have some quiet time together. Children are beautiful & wonderful, but sometimes their simple questions (that they do desperately need answers to also) can hurt so much, so soon. Also, as for the small token, my Grandmother bought me a small baby sized gold ring & put it on a chain & gave that to me very soon after we lost our little boy. I don't know why, but it meant SO much to me. No gift can replace a loss, but it did mean a lot. I wear it every day.

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