Child Death/Appropriate Gift?

I received a wind chime and a note from a dear friend who told me each time I heard the chime it was my brother speaking to me. Now when I go outside I talk to that wind chime and love it when I get a response from it. It is very calming to think he can hear me and speaks back thru the wind chime. I love it...

M.,

I would suggest you plant a tree and put a plaque with her name, year of her birth and death next to it. We did that a couple of years ago for a family friend and his wife said it was very comforting.

Peace,
C.

wow no me inmagino como se siente su familia, voy a orar por ellos.
veo que usted es una consultante de pampered chef,me gustaria tener una fiesta en mi casa, y necesito regresar mis ollas ya que se me danaron entiendo que tienen garantia de por vida hagame saber.
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M. watson

First of all, so sorry for your loss. Death of a loved one at any age is difficult to cope. But when they are young it seems especially so. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

I suggest planting trees in memory of your niece. It is a living memorial to her. The Arbor Day Society at www.arborday.org is who I use. They will send a card either directly to the recepient or to you to give. It describes how many and where the trees are planted.

My child died recently from cancer. He was much older than your cousin, but the loss was just as great. Have you considered the childrens' program at MD Anderson. The children cancer patients make items for sale and have a shop in the Uptown Shopping area. All procedes go to the children. There's always the Make A Wish Foundation that provides children with cancer with granted withes. Your aunt and uncle might be delighted to know that a child facing a difficult (or no) future will benefit from a gift honoring their child. These organizations will send them a letter acknowledging the gift. It makes our family feel good that these organizations received gifts honoring our son and that those contributions just might help a child.We don't need a material gift to remind us of him because he will remain in our hearts forever and we know what he meant to the other members of the family.

You have some lovely ideas. It's obvious you are putting some thought into this. God bless you. Another thought is to put together a "We remember you" book. Have her friends write out what they thought of her, what kinds of things/fun/school did they share, What do they remember of what made her laugh, how did she impress them, how will they remember them. Ask them what her thoughts were about life, school, and childhood memories. It would be great if they had a picture of her/with them/friend(s). Talk to her teachers, sunday school teachers, sports or activity leaders. Perhaps one letter/email to her high school counselor: she could send one request to all the faculty members that knew her. Obviously, this would be a surprise gift but on the sly you could find out from family members their fondest memories, ask them to see some of their favorite pictures of them with their sibling or get some (of her mom & dad). This part is a little trickier. You can scan all the pictures and go online and have an album made for arround $20. Or maybe someone from her high school would be happy to put it all together for you. OR you could just gather the pictures from these different areas and have them put on one of those rolling picture table screens (don't know what it is called) and you could have friends, teachers, etc. write notes to the parents and you could put them in a small picture box (with her picture). These people will then have had the time to really think about what they would want to say about their friendship with her. It would be very touching for the parents to see these tangible feelings on paper.

I'm a 51 yr old grandmother who is raising my 14yr old grandson, because my son was killed in a MVA in 1/08 after serving in Iraq for 18 months, just 2 wks in the state he was taken from us. Some of the gifts my grandson received is a throw blanket that he has hung on the wall of his father and him with the United States Army wording around the picture. I myself received a statue by Willow Tree of a mother holding a flag in her arms. You can find them at a Christian store on Staples close to Big Lots. I assure you talking about their child and the memories you all had with them, does eases the pain. To this day I visit my son at Seaside 3 x a wk, just to spend time with him heals me. God Be With You and your family.

Hi M.,

What a sad loss to have happen in your family. This must be hard for all of you. You are a very thoughtful niece to want to do something for your aunt and uncle.

One thought that comes to mind is to do a scrapbook. You could gather some pictures together and then talk to various family members and have them write down memories of your cousin. Type up the memories in different fonts and put them in the scrapbook next to the photos. This is a great way to involved thw whole family, cousins, grandparents, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, etc. You could even include friends if you wanted, depending on how involved you want it to be.

Did the mortuary handling her service (if there was a mortuary involved) publish her obituary online? If so, was there an option for people to go online and leave messages for the family? You could include those messages in the scrapbook too. (Sometimes the newspaper has an online version that also published the obit and has an option for people to leave messages).

You could even leave some of the pages blank so your aunt and uncle could add some things of their own if they want too.

I'm in the process of doing something similar for a good friend whose dad died in hospice this summer, and I'll give the scrapbook to her for Christmas; some of the initial pain will have worn off, and she'll have the pleasant memories to look back on.

Anyway, I am so sorry for your loss. Your aunt and uncle are lucky to have a niece as special as you.

Blessings,
S.

You might consider a photo album with photos of your cousin doing the things she loved. When a dear friend of mine passed after a brief illness, I gave his mother a butterfly pin about a year after he passed. He often spoke of his life as being like a butterfly emerging from the cocoon. I received the butterfly pin the day he passed. His mother knew of his feelings about butterflies --so it was the perfect gift to give her to let her know her son had made another transition to return home to God. If there is something that you associate with something she loved, look for something that has that image on it. It will remind her parents of the joy your cousin found in life here.

My condolences to your family.

P.

It would take a little time, but if it were me, I would love to receive a scrapbook of her life. Any pictures you could collect from special events in her life and put them in a scrapbook would work great. If you don't scrapbook, you can do digital scrapbooking online in which you upload the pics and the book is basically done for you. You can go to CreativeMemories.com or any site that does digital scrapbooking. I think this would be a gift that they could always treasure and be reminded of the happy times and the celebration of her life.

Plant a tree in her honor so all can watch it grow - either in their yard or a park - put a plaque with it to commemorate her life. Start a scholarship fund at her school in her name - these are both long lasting tributes and will bring joy to many someday.

A friend gave me a windchime and 2 months later, she died
in an automobile accident. When I hear the sweet sound of
the chimes, I think of her. Also, makes me think she's reminding me to think of her. Maybe a sweet chime with a
bible verse or an angel given in her name would be appreciated. I know when someone so very special leaves our world and leaves us so devastated, you look around and
wonder if anyone else notices the void. It is really special to let them know you are thinking of her and them on her birthday, the anniversary of her death, and holidays that were special to her. It is a way to let them know that her life mattered. You will be the best judge as to
whether this type of acknowledgement is helpful or not.
I love to talk about a loved one who has passed because
they were worth it. Your cousin is lucky to have someone
like you to console her parents when she can not.
Blessings to your family.
P.S. Also, I copied some videos I had of my friend onto DVD
and sent to her family. I told them what was on the video and when they were ready to view it, they really loved it.

My heart aches for you and your family. I would suggest getting something with a biblical quote. We lost our first child as a baby. He had a fatal birth defect. My mother gave me a small framed bible verse. (God makes all things beautiful in his time) I hung to those words for months to help me understand our loss. I know your aunt and uncle are hurting. I would not give something with her picture. I am sure they have pictures of her. If you have a special picture of her that they do not have, save it for a later date. The best thing you can do is send cards periodically over the next few years. It is good to know when you are hurting so badly that people are praying and thinking about you. They will have lots of attention and support initially. I would encourage you to reach out in person or on the phone for the next few years. Grief comes in waves. Some days seem very normal, others are extremely difficult to get through. You and your family will be in my prayers.

If you can do a scrap book anyone you know can help you with a scrap book I would recommend that. Maybe putting pictures of their daughter in it from birth to 19 years old. Someone made me one for my wedding and I had just lost my dad one week before I got married. When I got to the pages with him I lost it but it meant so much that someone had collected those pictures and spent all that time putting it together. He was able to see me in my dress at a fitting a few months before his death and those pictures were in there. So meaningful!
I can't imagine losing a child. My heart goes out to them and to you.
Ask friends and other family members to send any pictures they might have of your cousin. I bet they would love to help.
Let us know what you decide!

If it were me who lost a child, I think I would enjoy sitting under a tree planted in her name. Being outdoors is a wonderful tool to healing. I also think I would like to snuggle up with a pillow, stuffed animal, or blanket that reminded me of her. Maybe you could do a quilt signed by all of her friends and loved ones. Or something that smelled like her perfume...It would be like a hug from her.

I'm not good at this kind of stuff, but anything comforting that reminded them of her would be nice on those hard days. Sometimes, though, they may not need to be reminded, but need an escape on those hard days. Just a thought to take them out shopping or something to distract them if you seen them in despair.

Friends of ours lost a young adult child and the scrapbook with memories of her by HER friends from her work/school world comforted them immensely. Some sent pictures. Her best friends would be the people to contact to get help with that. It comforted the parents but also the friends as they got to do something positive.
I would also look to the religion of the parents for some guidance. Masses in the Catholic church, yahrzeit offereings in the Jewish. You could call the minister/priest/rabbi for some insight.
Also a memorial that prevents what caused her death. Education for young drivers, MADD, speed limits on that road. And whomever the parents designated as the memorial recipient.
This is soooooooooooo hard, but being willing to listen to them tell the story over and over and over and be willing to be with them in their pain. Not many can do that.
K.

M.,

Try looking through Personalizationmall.com. It's a wonderful site that has many different options that might work out well for you.

So sorry for all of your loss. May peace be with you in your time of need and reflection.

I love Michelle and Charise's ideas. A donation, or a scholarship, or something along those lines. Earrings, more pictures, albums....might make them even sadder. A donation or a fund that helps out someone else is more likely to bring joy to their hearts.

I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin. I don't know if I'd give a present (though of those you suggested I like the verse from the Bible best.) I would suggest you right a nice note on a pretty card that says just what you told us. I think that is the best give you can give at this time. I'm procrastinating making a card for the wife of a dear pastor who recently passed...their family has meant so much to ours...its so hard to put what I'm thinking on paper...your request is renewing my resolve to get it started (and finished :) Thank you for posting this.

My thing to do for a grieving family is dinner. Once per week for the next four weeks, take a casserole or dinner over for them. It would be very appreciated.

What helped the most when my sister was killed was letters filled with memories of her. It seems like a small thing, but knowing that she was a significant part of other people's lives meant the world. I read and savored every word and even now, 9 years later, still get them out and read them from time to time.

Someone gave my mother a peace lily which also gave her comfort. I think that to plant a tree or a rose garden or something like that in someone's memory would also be meaningful.

Oddly, the picture collages that people put together for my mom didn't have the meaning that their words did. They are put away now (at my mom's house), but the peace lily is growing proudly in the dining room. It's like she's there with us at our meals.

I am so sorry for your loss. I ache for your aunt and uncle. They are blessed to have you loving them and caring for them during this time. Just a note about that... the holidays, her birthday and the anniversary of her death will be horrifically painful for them. It would be kind to check in on them during those times.

Hi, M.,

I don't know about any of those things, except maybe the bible verse picture.

Our youngest child died several years ago & what helped me more than anything else, was a dear friend that came over to see me a lot & friends calling me, just to chat. Those are the things I remember helping me the most, tho I know with you having five little ones that it would be hard for you to visit her much, but call her & be there when she needs to talk, she will love you for that more than anything else. Bless you for being there for her. W.

Hi
Sorry for the lost in your family.The idea of gifting something can be really hard know as you mentioned because they are grieving.
Something that my husband does to store memories are montage videos for all occasions and hes done quite a few for funerals. Its a DVD of photos and video of memories that some one can cherish for the rest of their life of their love one. He adds the pictures of your choice in the order you would like them w/some music. This can be very costly, the great thing he does it at a very reasonable price. If you think this is something you may like to do for your aunt and uncle he has a site silverimagedvd.com.

I would do something more memorializing like start a scholarship fund or maybe even a pediatric fund at a local hospital, or something that was important to either them or their son, in their child's name. Something that will honor their kid and maybe possibly even give them a cause to focus on. My neighbors lost their son a few years ago to cancer and they started a fund and do a walk to raise money in his name every year. This keeps his memory alive and gives them an opportunity to help others which often helps pp move on. They may not be ready yet for work involved with keeping it going, but it may help them after the grief is not so fresh and it won't be an object in their face to remind them (as you expressed concern over). Sorry for your loss as well, what a terrible tragedy.

The best thing that I have done, is to remember the date of the birthday and death and do something on that day. Those will be the hardest days for a long time for them. Flowers for the grave might be the best. They will go there that is almost certain, and will see them and be glad that someone else remembers also.Do not give any gifts. This will only make the sad.//

I think the scrapbook idea is great. I was going to tell you that my father passed away overseas a few months ago, and I was unable to attend his funeral. So I prepared an obituary for the newspapers where he lived when he was in the US, and then collected photos from everywhere I could find and wrote a little biographical booklet eight pages long, and had copies made to distribute to friends and family. It wasn't very expensive to do at Kinko's, and everyone really appreciated it.

Please do go ahead and put together a scrapbook for the parents with input from as many people as possible. But others might also appreciate a small token like a booklet with photos and a story about her life. Good for you for thinking about this at such a difficult time. Best wishes.

Hi M.,
I am sorry for your loss and particularly for your aunt and uncle. The gifts you mention are all lovely.

For both births and deaths, I donate a book to the library in the town where the person lived or the school they attended. Do not buy the book at the bookstore. The library bound one is the same book, just sturdier for lots of wear. The library will order the book of your choice or on the topic of your choice (ie: photography, airplanes, etc). You supply your name and the name of the person in whose honor (if they are alive) or memory (if deceased). Inside will say "Book donated in memory/honor of (xyz) by (your name). A card is then sent by the library to the family. We have received many touching thank you notes from people who never thought of doing that. They liked the idea that the person is recognized for years to come and that their interest is then shared by others.

Another idea is to donate a tree to be planted in their city in their memory. Contact the Chamber of Commerce in their city. They take care of all the details.
HTH

hi, im sorry for the lost in your family. i love taking lot of pictures of everything and everyone so i have so many picture so i when i lost a family i took some of the pictures of him and made pictures for everyone in the family to have. there is a place called "lakeside" and have nice picture frames with quotes. i think they would love to see old and new pictures of their beautiful daughter from other family members that they mit not have.

M.,

Just a idea- A friend of mine had someone pass in her family and I purchased this egg from online that when you opened it, it had a stair case and it song Amazing Grace or some similar song. I loved it! They loved it! I'm not for sure if other sites have it but, here is one:
http://www.bradford.co.uk/product_info.php/info/p117_Lovi...

My parents lost their son many ears ago, but the best their frinds and family could do for them was to be there and LISTEN to what they had to say over and over and over again.........that would be the best gift to give......be there for them and lend them your shoulder

I feel the loss.......
M.

what about having a star named after their child? I also think just being there when she needs a shoulder to cry on or calls to see how she is would help, I also like the bible verse idea, and your prayers will help them also. Sorry, for your loss, hope this helps, let us know what you decide.

My gut reaction would be to wait awhile and see how they are doing before giving any gifts. I think writing your good memories of your cousin with maybe a photo album of her if you could do that would be appropriate. Jewelry momentos seem somehow wrong to me, but that is very personal.
I'm so sorry for your loss and grief.