Moms, have you settled boundaries in your marriages? Have you decided what you put up with and what not?
What would represent for you a healthy reltionship/marriage.?
Thank you!!!
I'm not married but in an alternative situation. I'm about at the enough is enough point because of drama from my partner's ex.
I have a problem with boundaries. As a result, I lived with someone who thought it was ok to insult me, break my stuff, destroy my furniture, put. Holes in the walls, fire a gun in the house, threaten to hurt me, and threaten to kidnap my child.
None of that was actually "enough" for me, despite everyone telling me to leave. My "enough" moment came when he refused to let our kiddo go to school. I knew then that my whole life and my son's whole life would be controlled totally and completely by my increasingly irrational husband. The thought of my kiddo never having friends because of my husband is what threw me over the edge.
I'm so lucky that my enough moment came before my kiddo and/or I had been seriously harmed or killed.
No matter how many people tell you you need to get out, I know it's so easy to believe that they're wrong, that they just don't understand, etc. everyone has to come to their "enough" moment on their own.
I hope yours comes before you and /or your children have been seriously harmed, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
According to your previous posts, you're married to a sexually abusive gambling addict. If that's not enough, I don't know what is.
I would not put up with:
If my hub didn't respect my NO.
If he didn't take my opinions or preferences seriously or let me have a say in my life or future.
If he forbade me to see friends or family.
If he hurt me deliberately, emotionally, or physically.
Or either way hurt my children on purpose.
If he made me feel financially unsafe by foolish spending and squandering our future on his personal habit or addiction.
Or if his addiction made me unsafe.
Or if it was a criminal addiction or involved dangerous people.
If he cheated.
If he lied to people about me.
If he was unable to love.
Those are separation instigating. Some might not be for others. If there were more than two on that list, immediate divorce.
From your past posts it really sounds like your marriage sucks - big time.
How long are you going to waffle about what you should do?
How many times do you need to hear that you need to leave before you do it?
Talk to a women's shelter, plan your escape, then DO IT!
It's not going to be easy.
There will be struggles.
Things can only get better without him.
Learn to stand on your own two feet.
Realize your own value.
Build your self esteem over several years.
And only THEN will you be ready for a healthy relationship with a healthy man who respects, loves and cherishes you.
This is something that is totally lacking in your marriage right now.
Sounds like Angieoplasty has wisdom you should listen to and a positive outcome to her similar issues.
No one can solve this for you, you have to solve it yourself. Your child is counting on you to be the hero.
Good luck!
What do I think makes a healthy relationship? One thing: Mutual respect
If BOTH people truly respect each other, everything else falls into place.
This is true in any relationship, not just marriage.
(eg: you don't lie to, put in danger, take advantage of, scream at, degrade, or refuse to listen to someone you respect, so if you respect your partner, and that person respects you, these things don't happen. Also, if you know your partner respects you, then you aren't afraid to speak your mind, say NO, and give your opinions. It all starts with mutual respect and you've either got it, or you don't.)
I gotta say, ditto Fuzzy. For the life of me, I can't understand why you are asking this question.
I respect him, he respects me.
We are equals.
We take care of our responsibilities.
I didn't marry him to change him into something I wanted him to be, I married him for who he was.
We've been married 18 years, been together for 21 and met a couple years before that. We gave ourselves time to get to know each other before jumping into marriage.
I will put up with things that are annoying. For example, my husband believes that clean clothes should not touch clothes that have been worn, so he has a pile of clothes in front of his dresser that are clean enough to wear again, but not clean enough to touch the clean clothes. But I won't put up with blatant disregard for my feelings.
My husband asks how I feel about things before he does them, because he respects that his decisions affect me. There are times where he needs more than he gives. But there are also times when I need more than I can give back. We both think about each other's needs and happiness. For me, that is the definition of a healthy relationship - one where both people treat the other person's needs, wants, feelings, as being equal in importance to their own.
