When Do You Stop Calling Parents to Coordinate Plans?

My kids are about the same age and now I'm calling more than ever! Now is when they get super sneaky so I'm almost more vigilant than I used to be. Also think it depends on the kid. One of mine is just super responsible so he has more freedom.

I only have a fifth grader but I too have experience where parents are fine taking the invite of a 10 year old. and it isn't that my son is inviting with out my knowledge... we just can't get ahold of these people or when I do call to invite they act like I'm a freak for actually calling and not just having their kid show up.

people are so weird.

it continues to sadden me that parents assume that all teenagers are lying and deceitful. it's one thing to be pro-active and involved, and quite another to be suspicious and assume our teenagers are behaving nefariously.
at 14 i'd be very comfortable with letting her set up plans with kids whose parents i knew. i think it's fine to send a text along the lines of 'sleepover at your place this weekend, i hear. 6pm? need popcorn?'
or if kids are coming to your place and it's someone you don't know well, 'all systems go sleepover here tonight- any food allergies or other things i need to know?'
maybe it was easier for me because around this age both my boys had a pretty established social circle, and when new kids came in, they tended to move in herds. but i was very much an 'it takes a village' sort of mom. i worked and homeschooled, so i relied heavily on my homeschool network, and i reciprocated madly by having hordes of kids here for classes or through-the-looking-glass parties or video-game-and-pizza extravaganzas or all-the-LOTR-full-length-version marathons whenever possible. my kids knew how to behave at someone else's home, and i rarely had issues here.
there would often be a flurry of emails, texts and calls before an event just to coordinate rides, snacks and pick-up times, but not much in the way of 'i want to be sure this is actually happening and that my kid isn't sneaking out.'
khairete
S.

I'm sorry - if there's a sleepover involved - doesn't matter HOW LONG or WELL I know the other parents - I TALK WITH THEM...WHY? Because I want to know that THEY KNOW what's going on. If my boys don't like it? Too bad. It's MY job to parent them.

As teenagers? Our kids need us more than ever to guide them on these freaky streets of life. They are believing they are invincible, nothing bad will happen to them, and all those other things - don't you remember being a teenager??? I know I thought I was smarter than my parents. I know I thought I could get away with a ton of stuff...yeah...I'm calling.

They can make the plans - which they do - and they can get things set up - which they do - but I will still talk with the other parent to confirm they know my two boys are going to be at their home and if they need anything from me.

For the most part in high school. I gave my kids a lot of trust, and they pretty much lived up to it. They did have cell phones so I could check on them, and did.

If a kid wants to sneak, he/she will find a way to do it.

It's good to be on top of where the kids are and what they are doing.
Especially once they are teens.
If you stop calling now, how will you know if your daughter pulls a fast one and says she's spending the night at a girlfriends when she's really sneaking out to be with a boyfriend?
By 17 yrs old kids parents mostly stop with doing that so you have a few more years yet.

Additional:
Do you have ANY IDEA how much trouble teens can get into at a party at someones house with no adult supervision where they can get into alcohol?
Kids brains are still growing (into their 20's) and they do not always make good decisions.
By keeping in touch with parents you have a better chance at keeping kids safe from all kinds of teenage nonsense.
Heck some teens STILL die of alcohol poisoning in college from chug-a-lug parties (yeah, no kidding they shouldn't be drinking till they are 21).
It's not that they go wild from lack of 'freedom' - it's that they are young, they think they are immortal and nothing bad will ever happen to them - and - they do not think things through all the time.
She's 14.
You are not done raising her for quite awhile yet.

I agree with those posting for you to keep calling, e-mailing or texting -- depending on how well you know the parents. Do what makes you feel comfortable -- don't let pressure to "let teens be independent" make you stop checking out their friends and their social arrangements. You don't have to arrange every detail any more like it's a second-grade play date, but you are smart to want to know who the other kids are and to want to have at least had some contact with those kids' parents.

I would be pretty appalled at parents just dropping kids off for a sleepover -- seriously, a sleepover?! Hours and hours in your home, with the expectation you'll feed them and be in charge of them -- without ever having confirmed with the host parents (who may or may not realize they are hosting a sleepover!). Even with parents I know well, I would always confirm things.

This is not just a matter of parents assuming all teens are "lying and deceitful" at all, as someone posted below. Kids, even older kids in middle and high school, even responsible ones who are good at keeping up with things, do not always know their own schedules in detail. If a child has activities on top of school, and most do these days, they may not always remember that there's a newly scheduled dance rehearsal Saturday afternoon, or an extra sports practice Sunday at 5, or they have a school project due the Monday after the planned sleepover, or whatever. Keeping tabs on their plans is just good management for both the kid and the parent, frankly.

And as kids meet many new classmates in larger classes during middle and high school, parents know these new friends less and less than they knew the kids' classmates in elementary school. I think knowing kids' friends and their parents is more important, not less important, in the teen years. It is not an assumption that every teen is up to nefarious doings. It's a realistic admission that teens need guidance even more than elementary kids; teens are more influenced by their peers than younger kids are, on deeper levels.

Why are you worried about whether it's "developmentally appropriate" to call parents to confirm things? If your daughter makes plans, she needs to check in with you so you can be sure her plans coordinate with the family calendar and with other families' plans too. You're not hovering over her; you're doing the same due diligence you would if your husband planned something with another family for you all to do, but forgot that your family already had plans that night. It's what families do.

In middle school, the kids kind of make their own plans now.
As Suz T. said--maybe text to confirm pick up/drop off at a sports event, etc. My child is 3 years younger than yours. We know all if his friends and their parents.
My son knows his plans need to be cleared through us first before he goes anywhere. (And he needs a ride! Lol)
I don't live in fear of "mean streets" or imagined danger.
As we all know, a kid can get hurt while you're holding his hand.
I do believe it's important to know where kids are & what they're doing, but they also need to have some independence!

I still make contact. It isn't necessarily to keep kiddo from sneaking behaviors, although them knowing I will be calling (I think) gives them an out with friends who may encourage them to push boundaries... but to ensure details like pick up times or who is picking up/dropping off. We live a good 25 miles from the school our kids attend (and most of the other kids live very close to the school), so knowing that *I* need to pick up my kid before lunch the following morning (vs they will be dropping said kid off on their way elsewhere) is just logical to find out... it's more than a 5 minute hop in the car (more like an hour round trip).

I do find that with our daughter at least the same kids tend to be the ones involved, and you get to learn the parents and their style and typical expectations. I still touch base, "Hey, A & A set up a sleep over, do you need me to pick her up by any certain time?" Or, "A said you guys want to take them go-karting... do I need to fill out any release forms from the park for her?"

"A said J is having everyone trick-or-treat and then hang out at your house. Are you good with them walking home after school or should I bring her by later on?"

They are maturing, and getting much better about details and coordinating their plans. But they are still kids, and don't always think to confirm the details... like if they are eating dinner (that seems to be a big one). I don't care either way, but I want to know if you will have eaten or not when you get home.

Son? He drives now. And it seems that boys don't do sleep overs as often.. unless it is after a sporting event and everyone goes back to a "standing" invitation to hang out after the tournament. Pizza and chips provided by the parents, video games, board games and movies in the upstairs game/bonus room, sleeping bags on the floor for whoever stays. Gotta be gone by 9:30 a.m. before church in the morning. ;)

I think it's ok to let her make her plans but confirm with the responsible adult...just something like "I just wanted to make sure you were aware or that it's ok with you that Suzy spends the night on Friday".

Let them make the plans but then you be the parent and confirm/double check. It can be as casual as mentioning it in front of the other parent "You girls are staying as Jill's on Friday, right?" (in the presence of Jill's mom).

This is IF you know the other teens and parents involved. You can always back off more as they prove responsibility and earn more freedom.

I remember that shift in middle school. New friends, and I was also surprised when kids would get dropped off for a sleepover without so much as a "hi how are ya" from a parent I never met.
I continued to check in with parents through about tenth grade, or until they started driving I guess, especially parents I didn't know at all. Just a quick call, saying hi and confirming plans and pick up time. My kids had phones so it was easy to stay in touch with them if I wanted to, but mostly I just left them alone.
I don't think checking in with other parents is hovering at all, and I think you just continue to do it as long as it feels appropriate. Like your daughter, my kids understood why I did it, and honestly I think they LIKED the fact that I wasn't just letting them run around completely unaccounted for.

Why would you not call or text? My daughter is 11 and came home the other day telling me about a Halloween sleep over at her friends house 45 minutes away. They dance together and we have known them for at least 6 years, so I just sent the mom an email to verify (so I could plan my night with two other trick or treaters) and tell her we'd bring a dish for the kids to share so she doesn't foot the whole bill for dinner.

But yes, I still checked with mom. If a child ever showed up at my house to stay the night without my knowledge and approval, the kid would go home and my kid would have serious consequences. I think we have raised our kids to know that is NOT okay.

I don't think this has anything to do with kids being sneaky, I think it has to do with them having an "I'm a grown up" mind set and trying to run their own lives. I'm more than fine with them setting things up, as long as mine or my husband's approval is granted along the way.

Grade four. My kids have known not to invite friends over without my approval since kindergarten and their friends seem to understand not to invite friends over without checking with their parents first. We have never had an issue. Give kids some credit. They are not all incompetent and they are not all sneaking around!

I still do the check-in for many things with my oldest kids, who are 16. It depends on the situation. If it's a "party" or hanging out at someone's house who I don't know, I definitely call and make sure that the parent is aware of the gathering and will be home. Only once have we had an issue where my child asked the host for a parent phone number and the host balked, because guess what? Parents were out of town. My kid stayed home that night.

With their most regular friends, I usually don't check each and every time because I'm friends with their friends' parents anyway and usually pop in and say hi when dropping off or see them when picking up. When they make plans to go into the city on the train or to get dropped off and picked up somewhere, I do check with another adult to make sure that all the parents know the transportation plan. More than once I've been told that so-and-so's mom would pick up from the movies and then got a call later asking for a pick up because that parent was not, in fact, available and didn't agree to drive. So now I ask. My kids are close to driving age to this also ensures that an adult, and not a new driver, is actually the one driving,

High school is now the time when the kids are likely to say that they're one place but are really another, are sleeping over Becky's house when really they're in a car with a guy all night or at an underage club, that Sarah is having a few friends over and of course her parents are home when really it's a parents-out-of-town raging keg party, etc. So that one phone call can nip those plans in the bud and, IMO, is a wise choice, especially for sleepovers. The one sleepover I didn't call about was the night my son spent with his girlfriend. Of course I found out and there was hell to pay after but I wish I had made the routine call and that he didn't have the chance to do something so dumb.

You stop calling when you send her off to college.

You need to make sure that the girls aren't telling their parents that they're staying at your house and telling you that they're staying at the other parents house, and turns out they're staying somewhere totally different. Drinking, drugs, pregnancy. THAT'S what you safeguard your daughter from until she's old enough to really understand what she will lose by doing it.

If you don't think your daughter could possibly get sucked into something like this, then you're too trusting.

Probably fifth grade at the latest. My kids were very capable of checking with me first then make plans by themselves. You should not have to be coordinating plans with other parents. Your daughter should be doing this. You also have to use some common sense. If a kid wants to go to a party 45 min away, that warrants a call double checking.

As the mother of a son, I say to keep calling. It may be that these mothers are not calling you because they know you are on top of your kid. I was always calling to verity unless I knew the parents' habits so well (like the couple who NEVER go out on Friday nights) or they were right in the neighborhood and I could be walking the dog past the house at any time to see if there was unexpected activity. When my son wanted to have a girl over to watch TV, you can bet I was calling the parents more often than they called me, just to let them know I was going to be home and very present, stopping in with snacks at unscheduled times.

While at this age your daughter and her friends don't need as much supervision in terms of basic safety (like getting out if the house is on fire), they need even more when it comes to their parties being "crashed" by other kids who aren't invited or wanted. This is when kids, even good kids, get into mischief, including unauthorized internet/website usage, the parents' liquor cabinet, sharing of their various meds (ADD drugs, for example), and even bullying behaviors such as calling other kids for pranks that can be cruel. They want independence but don't know how to handle it, and they can be quite suggestible. I still remember having a scheduled party when I was 16, and having a whole group of kids show up who were not invited - and this was before the internet and Facebook which let everyone know the plans through on line means. Honestly, I was very happy that my nuisance parents were on top of the kids who showed up - I was scared and would not have known what to do.

I'd give your daughter more freedom with things like the movies or the mall - you're dropping them off and picking them up, so you can let them set it up themselves and not worry too much about what's gong on. I assume you check cell phones periodically to see what's being communicated back and forth. However, I have to say that I was advised by friends with older kids that the last row of the movie theater was a magnet for kids engaging in oral sex at 13, so we let the kids know that every now and again a parent would be walking in and up into the higher rows just to look around. Scared the stuffing out of them!

We also live in a mid-sized town and I have always been very involved in a lot of things, so I know a lot of people. Kids were always seen around town on early release days and at various events and hangouts, and we let each other know. So it was very effective saying to a kid, "Andy's mother said she saw you at the pizza place" or "So, I understand you were rollerblading on Main Street without your helmet." Once they know you have your spies out in force, they tend to toe the line a bit!

But evening and overnight activities? I'd check up on them. And after school plans should be checked periodically if they are at the homes of parents who have outside jobs. I'd say you can do more checking without the kids actually knowing about it - just let the parents chat to ensure someone's going to be home and vigilant. My son knew that we were checking and why - not so much that we didn't trust him, but that we knew kids' activities could be tempting for uninvited guests. Did he balk at it? Yes. Too bad. We likened it to chaperones at school and sporting events. That's just how it is.

Another thing we did was let him know that earning our trust and respect was going to be key when he got a driver's license. That's a good motivator from about age 14 on.

When I see the neighbor's kid who used to get off the school bus at the wrong location downtown and hang out with the wrong crowd, trading his ADD meds, his mother's jewelry and his father's pain pills for weed and crack, and getting into all kinds of problems like car accidents, I have to wonder why the parents weren't questioning him more and checking up on him. When the girl a few blocks away was raped behind the convenience store, my heart goes out to her and I really get angry at the parents who didn't know where she was and the parents of the perpetrator who didn't know where he was. So we can't be naive. And we can't be intimidated by our kids or by parents who pooh-pooh our vigilance.

And our strictness and vigilance wasn't totally rejected - we had a TV area in the basement and the kids all hung out here through high school. We always had snacks for them and pasta parties before cross country meets and so on. So we weren't the gross parents no one liked, even though we checked up on kids! I think it can be done with love and humor and caring.

My kids were close to that age when I stopped calling every time. We live in a small town and in their circles of friends, I know multiple parents and we all kind of check in. It's easier when they can't drive b/c they are where you leave them. They knew I could check on them at any time and if they weren't where they were supposed to be, they lose privileges and earning back mom's trust is a huge challenge. Even now that my son is out of high school, he loves to tell me stories from when he still was and he did some stupid stuff with friends, but he still was where he said he was and wasn't drinking or doing drugs or hooking up. He got in trouble with me his senior year for lying one time. Work on building that relationship of honestly and openness and you don't have to check up every time. Once they have a license, car and a job you need to have that relationship established. I was a lot more restrictive pre-license b/c if they were in a situation where they could get into trouble they would be stuck. Once they had their own car, that changed. You can also allow WHO they go out with moreso than WHAT they're doing. My daughter is allowed to go to parties as long as its with one of two friends. together they choose when to go and if they want to leave early.

Well, why call the other moms when it's your daughter making her own plans and not asking you about it evidently.

If she's inviting other kids over without your permission isn't that where the problem starts? If you want to manage this you have to stop her from randomly inviting strangers into your home.