What Age Do You Let Your Kids Make Phone Calls to Friends?

I am totally with you on the phone thing. One of my daughter's friends calls her repeatedly, like the same night, after 8, and she is in bed around 730-8. We tell her every time but she still will do it. One girl in kindergarten told me I should wake my daughter up to talk to her. My daughter isn't eager to call her friends, but I would set the rule no calling after 7, unless that parent had given us a green light, but we are usually getting ready for bed at that time, so they wouldn't be calling that late anyway.

I have no idea about the rsvps. I have found that for parties, unless an adult emails or calls, the kid isn't coming, even though many times they say that they are. Same thing for invites, the kid may invite her over, but they often don't know that their parent has other plans. I always ask that the parent email or call me to confirm. My daughter is 8. We just moved to a new community with a lot more kids in the neighborhood, so it will be interesting to see if things are different with play dates around here.

My DD is 9 and she gets calls, she does have a friend that will call at 8pm for a sleepover that same night, and I find it really strange. Same friend has her own cell phone though. I always confirm playdates with the parents and yes I have had to deal with other parents that think it's really strange, but I don't want to appear to just be dumping my kid on someone either.

Our house rules are:

No calls after 9PM unless it's an emergency. And an emergency is NOT "I don't know what i'm going to wear tomorrow"

No TEXTS after 8PM. PERIOD.

My kids started calling friends in the 2nd and 3rd grade. Yes. they were immature calls - but they were talking.

yes. Playdates were discussed and then parents followed up. I don't take my kids word for it that Josh's mom said it's okay to come over. Doesn't mean I think my kid is lying. It just means that I need to talk to the adult to find out the schedule and timing.

None of my kids friends get upset that I'm confirming it - they appreciate it.

I don't think your rules are wrong! You go mama!!

At 9 and 7, yes, phone cutoff time is 9:00 p.m. in the summer, and earlier on school nights. Their parents still have to work, and don't want people calling at all hours of the night. And yes, you typically have to be involved in arranging their playdates.

I would think most moms would want to confirm the playdate with you, not just have you show up with your kid, so maybe you are misreading that they are surprised and irritated?

Anyway, keep doing as you've been doing.

My girls are 12 and 10. I do not allow them to call anyone before 9am or after 9pm. I have had to ask some of my older DD's friends to not call our home after 10pm (summer and weekends). I get super irritated when some of them have called at 11-12:30. Even my younger DD got a call or 2 around 10pm last year on a school night. I think other families just aren't as strict on evening hours or they have no idea their kids are calling people.

I do think it's important for the kid's independence that they are the ones driving their own social lives. Only in preschool did I do all of the "playdate scheduling" Elementary age and up, I think kids can and should call their friend and ask first if they would like to come for a playdate, and then the parents get on the phone to arrange logistics if the kids agree they want to get together. I've never had another parent get irritated at this.

I am alot like you regarding these issues. I never take my kid somewhere without confirming it with a parent on the other end. Kids don't think to ask all the pertinent details.

And the same with the telephone. My son is not much for being on the phone. My daughter is more so, but not THAT much. (he is 14, she is 11-both just turned). Daughter got some phone calls from a boy at school when she was in 4th grade. (He liked her, but she was just friends with him, and gave him her number when he asked without thinking it meant anything). She only recently started getting calls from a friend. They mostly skype though. And her friend does call sometimes around 9:00 or 9:30. I had to tell my daughter that it was too late, and that she didn't have any reason to be on the phone or skyping that late. She also had to let her friend know not to call after 9:00pm.
I was raised that it just wasn't polite. And to be honest, my husband is often gone to bed by then already, and I don't want the phone waking him up. And he is grouchy if it does wake him up, especially if it is a kid "just calling" just because.

So, no, I don't think you are the least bit "wrong". I also don't plan to let my kids "date" before they are 16. I'm sure "everyone else" will be doing it before then.... LOL

ETA: and for kids who live in the same neighborhood with us, when the kids were smaller, I would call over and make sure they made it there (walking) or whatever.. or let the other mom know hers were on the way home. Now, I don't, but they don't go INSIDE anybody's house without talking to me first. And other kids from the neighborhood don't really come inside here. They play outside.

They started at about six. They call one another and chat. They might make plans, but the plans still go through the parents. My son will say "Can I go to Connor's house?" I say "Sure, let me talk to Connor's mom." To Connor's mom I will say "Connor asked Evan to come over. Is that OK? What time do you want me to come get him?" My kids do have friends that live within walking distance, but they still need to ask permission to go. They've never come home because their friends mom was in her pj's. I've never sent any of my kids friends away because I was in my pj's either. My kids don't go to bed until 10, but I can't say they've ever had a phone call after 9:00pm. When I was a kid and my friends called after 9 my parents usually told them they could call back tomorrow. They need to practice these social skills.

No calls after 9:00 pm, from anyone, unless there is an emergency.

I did not mind if the child called and asked our daughter to go over for a playdate, Our daughter would say, "let me ask my mom". What I then did is get on the phone with the child calling and said, Hi Sara, thanks for inviting Suzy over, may I speak with your mom to confirm everything?

Standard procedure around here for 3rd graders and up.. ..

We were encouraging them to use their phone manners, how to use the phone in general etc..

Your own children will learn this with your help.

Totally agree with you. I think I was in 3rd or 4th grade when I started talking to friends on the phone. Usually after school. I agree at the age your kids are the playdates should be arranged with parents because a) it's good to get to know the parents and b) child is too young to drive themselves. Unless that kid lives across the street or just down the block.

Well I'd just let the kids make the plans, and do what you have done, to ask to speak with the parent to confirm. Who cares if they are irritated. This is your kids learning how to socialize and plan things. If the parents are continually irritated, and they are the same parents, I'd ask the kid to have his parents call when you can have a playdate, but otherwise I'd do it the way you have been. As for the RSVP thing, you can't control who does the RSVPing, so yes you are a bit controlling on that one. Let it go it's not that big of a deal, and kids will be kids.

We don't take calls from outside the family after 8pm. I don't call people after 8pm. I think it's rude. I would tell those kids who keep calling to call before 8.

I also agree with your take on RSVPs. And who cares if they're irritated. You're right.

My grandchildren are 9 and 12 and play dates are still arranged between parents. The 12yo calls on the phone now that it's summer and just talks. If she and her friend plan to get together then the parent's/grandparent's talk. This is the first year that she's called and been called by friends.

The phone calls are all during the day.

You are not being unreasonable. When a child calls at an inappropriate time tell them to only call before such and such a time. Do not put your child on the phone if the time isn't appropriate. Ignore the parents who seem to think children can make the plans. continue insisting on talking with a parent. You have to talk with a parent to know that there will be an adult supervising and that it's OK with the parent.

I've found that left to themselves children don't always make good decisions about play dates. I suggest that the parent who doesn't remain in charge will find that they need to be when their child plans something that isn't appropriate for the time and place.

I totally agree. It is so awkward when a child invites another child and the parent has no idea. I think this happened to my sister (or maybe she invited someone and my mom did know).

My kids are really young (5 and 2), but other kids in the neighborhood meet at the park with no scheduled play date. It is a gated community and several of the houses have a view of the park or other kids take a walkie-talkie.

We have 5 children, four of them school aged. We have used 7th grade as the time of phone privileges. We have smart controls placed on our account so that text and voice won’t even work at certain times. It works great. They are also not allowed to delete text messages. In the begging they didn’t think we would find out but it’s very easy to match their usage to what’s left on the phone. So they learned we aren’t dumb and they have lost their phones for doing so. Now they don’t even attempt to hide anything. As for parents and friends; we are the very same way, we encourage the other child to visit our home so we are in control of their activities (we find that not very many parents are as strict as we are which concerns us at times).
We always required all four parents to be introduced that way we know what’s going on and we can exchange numbers. We also have smart controls on their computers, we find that some parents allow their kids to have free roam on the internet i.e. facebook, twitter, chat sites, youtube etc. We know that if our kids visit a home that allows the usage they will most likely do whatever they want. They are encouraged to stay away from those sites for safety reasons but we can only control so much. All of our kids are receptive of these boundaries. They age from 4, 10, 12, 14 & 16. Three girls and two boys. They each have certain settings for certain things but none of them can just hop onto a computer and access whatever they want. If the other parent is having difficulty connecting the idea of the kids meeting (or seems to be) I might suggest a different day for the kids to play. My ONLY pet peeve with other kids coming over is this: If it’s near any mealtime of the day that they are wanting to come over then please feed them first, I feed 7 and really can’t afford to feed another. Sometimes it’s hard to get across because it seems rude and I rarely explain why but I try to just ask them if they mind feeding them before dropping them off. It’s hard because I feel rude but I really cannot feed much more than I already budget for.
Lastly, we trust our kids but we had to have boundaries and understandings. The more successful they are the more we let up off of them. They know that trust is earned and each of them is going through the motions of earning it. So far our method is working but we all know parenting is not easy all of the time so when we run into challenges we take a second to see if it’s what we are doing that could be causing the strife. Good luck!

I had to push my older daughter (in middle school) to start initiating calls to neighborhood friends to arrange activities with them. But my younger one was so chatty!!! She started calling grandparents before she turned 3. She was reading, so I made her her own little phone directory - this was back before cell phones. I put the numbers she had to ask permission before calling in red, and others in black. She had a best friend who was equally chatty and they started calling each other at 3 years old! She grew up having no problem calling friends and arranging get-to-gethers with them.

My older daughter, of course, got over her reluctance to call friends :-) It just took longer and with some urging.

It is different than in your case, because for playing, these kids used to just walk over or bike over themselves when they were young (not the 3-year olds, of course!) because they were in the neighborhood - within a mile radius. Times sadly have changed a lot.

My boys are almost 6 and almost 2, so we don't have to worry about this situation, yet. However, I think you have the right idea to limit calls to before a certain time. 8 pm seems reasonable enough. Personally, I think 7, and even 9, is a little young to be talking to friends on the phone, but that's just me. I was never one to talk too long with friends, unless we were face to face---and I don't think I spent much time on the phone until I was in college.

As for play dates, I agree that the arrangements should be made between parents at that age.

I'm commenting, because we deal with this kind of situation with my husband's family. His older sister used to work odd hours in a pharmacy, so to her, it was nothing to call someone at 9:30 or 10 pm. She lives close to her parents, so I guess they got used to her lateness. She allowed her own children to stay awake until 10 or 11 pm, just so she could see them when she got home. They all still think it's strange that my own boys are in bed by 7 and 8:30 pm. My sister-in-law likes to call everyone on their birthdays. However, she inevitably does it after the kids go to sleep! We've gotten used to it, but when it first happened, I think she was a little put out that our boys weren't awake to get their birthday wishes. :)