Children Checking In

It sounds like a simple forget; a mistake. Remind her and then let it go.

Banning her from a school trip would be a huge overreaction.

Ok, my kids are now 20, 18, and 15. With each, at roughly your daughter's age I had a number of Freak Out moments where I didn't know where they were, who they were with, what they were doing, if they were even ALIVE, etc. Instead of getting all pissed and laying down laws and barking demands, I got real with them. And with no distractions, I sat down and looked them in the face and said something like this:

You have no idea how incredibly precious to me you are. You are the most important thing in my life. If something terrible happens to you and I cannot save you from it, my ENTIRE LIFE is a failure. I could not go on living. The sense of responsibility I have for you is overwhelming. You have GOT to give me a freaking break and check in from time to time. It makes me CRAZY not knowing if you're ok. Can you do that for me? Can you just shoot off a quck text, just let me know what's going on? Please.

Just be real, she'll get it immediately. No need for conflict, you're on the same team, see?

:)

Missing a planned sleep away trip will not get you an obedient child. It WILL get you a resentful one.
I went though this quite a bit. There has to be a consequence but more along the lines of,

No, you can't sleep over with Jane tonight because you aren't responsible enough to check in. You can go untill 9:00, then I will pick you up.

That not only let's your daughter know you mean what you say but serves as a reminder to Jane and her family, that they could help to remind your daughter. They should have picked up the phone when you called.

Seriously, she missed a check-in I do NOT think that is befitting missing a planned school trip. I would add a chore for a determined amount of time or I would remove a privilege for a determined amount of time but NOT take away a planned trip. Removal of that would have to be something BIG.

I wouldn't have her miss a school trip over this.

But I also wouldn't let my kid have a sleepover on a school night, I don't care what's happening the next day.

We don't expect check-ins, but I know the families where my kids are very well and talk to the parents in advance about what the plan is, who will be home, when we need to pick up, etc. If their plans change ("hey instead of coming home at 11 can I go to the mall with the Smiths?") then obviously they have to ask or let us know but otherwise, I don't expect to hear from them once they are at the friend's house.

Honestly I think the issue is lack of communication among the adults involved. Establishing "check ins" as a habit for teenagers doesn't accomplish anything - they'll just lie and tell you what you want to hear. The only way to stay on top of things is to talk to the adults - your daugther's father, the parent(s) of her friends, etc. and set expectation with *them.* Go ahead and have the check ins as part of your routine, but certainly don't rely on them as a way to know that she is where she is supposed to be with whom she is supposed to be.

Kind of getting tired of running between the two questions....

_____________________________
Micromanaging teens tends to backfire.

It it much easier for both parties to define the parameters and then call if the plans deviate. In other words she only calls if things are not okay, the mom leaves, her dad leaves her there all day.

She is more than capable of reporting when things aren't going as planned.

Thing is what you are training her to do is call at this time, that time and maybe this other time. So if something happens when it is not time to call she isn't going to call. She is not trained for that, ya know?

So since you really want to know when things are going wrong, train her for that. You may not get your reassurance calls but you will be with the rest of us teen parents, no news is good news.

Oh. I see.
It wasn't a regular school day, so no work at school makes it ok for a sleepover.

They have a school sleep away trip for 11/12 yr olds?
Gee, over night band trips don't even start over here till high school (9th grade).

What I'm seeing here is a whole lot of time away from home(s) with very little consistent adult supervision and a 'perhaps' blatant disregard for your feelings/wishes/worries (some kids are just truly forgetful, but others just don't give a darn about others feelings).

It's not the overnight's per say I have a problem with - it's who's suppose to be supervising and their lack of being there.
You want her to call you - but her telling you about a problem after the fact is putting the cart before the horse.
You talk to the supervising parent beforehand and if they are not going to be there, then the overnight doesn't happen.
If a parent lied to you (said they would be there then left anyway) - no more overnights at that house.

It's just a recipe for trouble and she's got a year left till she's officially a teen.
Unsupervised kids/tweens/teens can get into trouble.
Some (not all) experiment with sex/drugs/alcohol - and you don't know WHAT they are up to on the internet.
And some of the things they can get into is just plainly stupid risky/deadly behavior - huffing, passing out games, choking games.
If no adult is there, you don't know if boys are coming around or not.
Even 'good', 'mature' kids can get caught up in peer pressure and their common sense just goes out the window.

I think she's got way too much freedom way too early.
She's not showing she's got the maturity to handle it.
You and her Dad should be on the same page about this.

I'm not sure what this school sleep away trip is about but they might have some better supervision than her other over nights.

In general, you should cut way back on her over nights and the few she has should be at your house.
Kids need watching - teens even more so.

Confused on why you would allow a sleepever on a school night of ANY kind?
She's 11, and as such, will act like an 11 year old. She forgot to turn on her phone. Don't you have the phone number of the family where she was staying? If not, why? I would nover allow my child to be somewhere without having the phone number of the adult she is going to be with (have an 11 year old daughter myself).
I really don't think this warrants any more than a stern reminder of why the rules are in place, and a warning that if it happens again, there might be consequences.
And really, if you had the number of the parent where she was, you could have just called her yourself. Problem solved.

Instill the check in policy? Sure.
Adult confirmation and communication? Absolutely!

So you want to punish her for making one mistake?
Sorry but I think kids deserve a second chance to LEARN from their mistakes before being punished.
Also, when my kids sleepover at someone's house I communicate with the parents. I wouldn't have been caught off guard by a parent going to work because that's something that would have been discussed ahead of time. I always find out what the plan is for the morning, if they have anywhere to go (like work) and what time I should come pick my kid up.
I think it's great that you are encouraging your daughter to check in with you but at her age I really think YOU need to be more aware of the adults who are responsible for her when she's away from home.

You let an 11 yr old go on a sleepover on a school night? I'm confused.

----
Have you talked to her yet, to find out why?
Did you call the home she slept over at and ask to speak to her?
If she was supposed to check in that night, and didn't, I believe I would have called the home myself---you do have the phone number, right? Then, I would imagine she wouldn't have forgotten this morning's check in and would have turned her phone on, too.

And yes, I think missing the school trip is a bit over the top. I would maybe make her forego some other overnight or even daytime activities with friends, to drive the point home that she MUST check in as expected.

I only require check-ins if they are changing plans. If they are where they said they are going to be, doing what they were supposed to be doing, I don't require a call. If they decide to go to a movie, or stay longer the next day, that is when they are supposed to call. They never sleep over at someone's house if I do not have the phone number. I think it is unreasonable to have her calling for no reason, and can't see taking away a school trip.

She's probably too young to go if she is not responsible enough to turn on her phone in order to contact you and give you some reassurance. I would have her phone on at all times-on silent at school. I find it astonishing that parents these days allow a school to tell them how their children are to be protected.

First of all, your daughter is 11, not 35. She is a kid with her friends and safe. Remember what it was like to be 11 at a sleepover on a "school night"? Super fun and crazy:)
I realize she forgot, but no need to punish her by missing the school planned trip. That is not having the punishment fit the crime. Two unrelated events.
What I would consider is reminding her and letting her know that next time XYZ will happen (like you will be banned from sleep overs for a week, then a month, then on a case-by-case basis).
I would also try to take some of this off my child. If I am the parent and I want to know where my kid is, I'd have the name and number of the place she is staying and I'd call to check on her, not vice versa. That is what parents did before cell phones:)

Espescially Considering the past experience you have had with sleepovers, I would never allow a sleepover on a school night no matter what, half day no work, doesn't matter. But that's just me. I do however agree with you that this is a serious offense and there is no excuse. 11 years old is way old enough to be responsible For a phone call home, i don't get how people just excuse it like oh she's only 11 what do you expect. You should absolutely expect her to check in with you especially if you're letting her sleep over people's houses on school nights. And as she gets older like you said it is oh soooo important, I would make her consequence one that she could never forget and hope that this will be the last time she ever forgets to check in with you. The fact that you called and no one answered!? Another time a parent was leaving them alone? More reason to explain why the check in is sooo important. The school sleep away trip is run by school and so should be well chaperone so I wouldn't ban her from that. But I would say no friends sleepovers for a looooong time. Let the school trip be her test and chance to redeem herself.

We always had to check in if we were sleeping elsewhere. It wasn't micromanaging so much as a courtesy to my parents so that they could sleep that night.

I forgot one time... one time only. I was a little younger than your daughter and totally forgot to call when we were "in" for the night. Needless to say, a month without sleepovers is terrible at that age. I assure you that I did not forget again.

Okay, well first of all, regardless of whether or not there is a full-day of school work or a half-day, school night sleepovers are insane. They still need to be awake and alert for school. I wouldn't allow that.

My daughter is 9 and checks in just because. I don't have to tell her to do it, she just knows to do it. There would be no punishment if she didn't, I'd just tell her I missed it and really enjoy to talk to her when she's away, even if it's just a text. Something. She woudl respect that.

And taking away a trip? Way over the top. I would cut out all school night sleepovers period. That's not a punishment, that's just good for school habits. I would have also done my part and called the house to find out what was going on. I'm not sure anything more than a reminder is necessary here.

Checking in is very important but the full understaning of why is even more important.
Search the newspapers/internet find a report of a child around her age that went missing last night.. Explain to her, that since she did not check in you though that this person could be her. And that is why she needs to check in. If she has a better understanding of , oh I know I am okay, but mom n dad don't I want to let them know.. that might hit home more.

She should check in, every 2 hrs. When I was younger I could go play, but I had to check in on the hr every hr or every other hour just to let them know I was okay.. And this required me to ride/walk back home because we did not have cell phones and I did not have change for a pay phone back them. It made no difference if I was at a sleep over or not.

The punishment should fit the crime. Is the school thing the next schedulded outting for her, or is she perhaps going to a friends to day.. I would cancell the next thing what ever that is.

Good luck

I really like what JB and B had to say. Honestly, I have adult friends who go to a movie and forget to turn their phone back on for a few days... it just happens. People are imperfect.

I agree that the communication needs to be between the adults for quite a while yet. I also agree that forcing her to lose an actual adult-supervised trip (which sounds like there's more structure than some of her previous sleepovers) is not going to gain you a more responsible kid. In my opinion, at eleven, kids still need their parents to help them manage their social lives and for the adults to be communicating with each other. She's not going to think to ask her friends "will your parents be there the whole time, or do they have other plans/have to work?"-- you, on the other hand, will think of these questions before deciding that your daughter can or cannot go. Phones are just phones... they don't really make our kids any safer if that structure is not ensured beforehand.

I always required my kids to check in. Fast forward 37 years. As adults (one with juvenile diabetes) and some volunteer FF and EMT, if there is fire or ambulance all in the vicinity of where they live or work, the phone rings.
"I'm ok Mom." It just became habit and reinforced when they started to drive. I would probably give her another chance. If it happens again, some sort of consequence. I would not ban her from school sleep away trip. That's a bit harsh. I assume you called the house where she was to make sure all was ok. She did call to say she got picked up. Just let her know how important it is. Not a real big offense in my books.