When Can Baby Leave Mommy Overnight?

"He drinks every night and is a hard sleeper." I think I would limit visits to daytime only until the child is about 18. It doesn't sound like it would ever be safe to leave the child overnight with the father. Maybe the father's parents could watch the child overnight and the father could see him before he drinks at night and after the hangover the next day.

If he drinks every night and sleeps hard, I wouldn't send my child to spend the night with him until he stops and goes to some AA meetings. Better to be safe than sorry.

If the dad continues to drink every night - I would not let the child stay there. Regardless of the dad's wishes, that is an unsafe environment for the baby, especially if he is a hard sleeper too. Maybe some early in the day "play dates" would be better while you assess what dad's real commitment is to being part of baby's life. Perhaps this would be a wake-up call, without you having to make it. :) Sorry to be harsh, but children's safety is priority.

Are you planning to nurse (which I would highly recommend in any case)? If so, it wouldnt' be for a year or two.

If he's a drinker and a hard sleeper who, according to you, can't be trusted.... I think the answer is NEVER for the night and possibly never unsupervised during the day. Not until he cleans up his act. If he cannot act responsibly for himself, how can he care for an infant?

Think about it. If you were to leave your son with a man who you know is drinking and not to be trusted, and something were (god forbid) to happen to your son, you could be considered at fault as well.

Trust your mommy instinct. I think you know the answer to this one.

I do agree that you should NOT let your baby stay with his/her daddy alone...supervised visits seem very appropriate in this situation. I would also recommend talking to a Christian counselor &/or family practice attorney. They can guide you with your legal rights. The one thing you don't want to happen is for the daddy to blind side you with legal action, even if it is coming from his parents (since you are both so young). It is best to always be prepared, especially when your child is involved.
Good luck and God Bless!

M., you will find as you become a mother that God has given you instincts for a reason.
Use them, You already said that you had trust issues with the father, he drinks and is a hard sleeper. Does this sound like a man who will awaken in the night to care for a new baby? Will you lie awake at night wondering if your son is alright when he is with his father?
This young man needs to get his life in order before he can properly care for a new baby.
If you do not feel comfortable about leaving your son over night with the father, again their must be a reason for that feeling. Follow your instincts......

my son is just 6 months and he still wakes up in the middle of the night for many different reasons. its a huge responsibilty so if the dad is a deep sleeper and he drinks i dont think i would ever let him stay the night. but thats just me. my husband has never gotten up in the middle of the night to help my son when he cries b/c he has a temper just b/c he's tired. if we werent together i would not let our son stay the night with him.

Please Please follow you instinct and don't leave your infant with any adult who drinks and is a hard sleeper.
You are responsible for that child- period.

I wouldn't even consider letting your baby stay with his father if you don't completely trust him and he is drinking every night. You wouldn't let a stranger stay with your baby under those circumstances, so why should it be any different for his father?

It's great that he wants to be involved but it should be with some limits until he gets his act together. Babies don't care if you have a hangover, he needs to be on his game.

Hi M.! I was in a similar situation when my oldest child was born. I was 18 and I was no longer with the guy. It takes more than just a deposit to make a person a father. He was not a drinker but very immature and not very responsible. After two years of waiting for him to be a dad, I said enough. You have gotten a lot of great advice already of which I agree with but I am reponding to you mostly because I have been there. It is hard when you are so young and you still want to have a life and be able to go out with your friends from time to time but do not use the father as an option if you can't trust him and he continues drinking. Find a family member or someone you do trust. Everybody needs a break sometimes but make sure that you do it responsibly, to make sure that your child is ok. I wish you the best of luck and you will be in my prayers.

Sometimes it helps to get information from an objective source. I would start with www.childreninthemiddle.com. Brad Craig, who originated the program, is a child development specialist and will be a good neutral that both of you can trust to tell you the truth and then help you make a plan. In my experience as a divorce attorney, babies need short bur frequent contact with the non-primary parent. Overnights don't usually work for babies for a quite a while because their memories are not developed and they become disoriented. It's my understanding that it's best to do 1-2 hour increments as often as possible at the beginning and then go from there as the baby gets older. J. D.

As a mother it is your responsibility to make sure your child is in a safe situation. Someone who drinks EVERY evening is not responsible enough to take care of your child. what happens if he gets dropped or hurt? If anything let him come by and sleep on your couch and assist you with the baby.

One way to ensure that baby has to stay with you as long as possible is to exclusively breastfeed. Baby will need to eat at night, at least most nights through much of the 1st year. My daughter is 12 months old and still wakes up to nurse 2 times a night and wants to nurse first thing in the early morning. Don't rush starting solids. DD was still getting at least 90% of her nutrition up until last month from nursing. She still gets about 80 % from nursing.

If you and the baby's daddy can take some parenting classes together that would be great. Maybe it will give you more confidence in his ablilties. You can also suggest he sleep over, on the couch after baby comes to see what nights and mornings are like. I would put my foot down that there has to be no drinking or drugs, especially if he will be caring for baby. If you still have doubts, I would put it off as long as possible or all together. YOu may want to consult a lawyer about a custody agreement if you haven't already. It is great that he wants to be involved in the baby's life. As long as he will be a positive influence it is soooo important for daddy to be involved. After the baby gets here he will have a chance to learn how to parent and what all is involved. That may help the situation out. Bless your heart, I sure don't envy the position you are in. Good luck.

In the state of TX you do not have to release a child overnight until they are 2 yrs old. This would give you time to prove he is unfit for this and have your divorce papers changed to supervised visitation.

M., if you have "major trust issues with Daddy," then you should not leave your baby with him at any age.

Let the daddy grow up first. Raising a baby is not a game.

I think that it is a personal decision but our twins are 10 mos old and I am just now warming up to the idea of letting them (probably just one at a time at first) stay at their Grandma's house. It is so important to keep them on a schedule and I think sleeping in their own crib at home is a big part of that. If the baby's Dad is drinking and a hard sleeper that is no place for an infant b/c they will wake up in the night and need to be fed/changed etc early on. If he isn't going to get up to care for your baby then you don't want your baby there. I wouldn't make that decision until the baby has arrived. Then you can see what you think. Think of other alternatives of how he can spend more time with the baby without it being overnight. Long walks now that the weather is nicer or things like that.

M.,

If you're not comfortable that it's a safe environment, NEVER! If he wants to spend an extended amount of time with the baby, I would recommend he come to your home and stay over. You have to protect that new baby and make sure he/she is in good hands at all times!

Good luck!

A court will not MAKE a baby go for overnight visits with Dad until the baby is older, especially if breastfeeding. You will have to give a few hours here and there on a regular basis. Nothing has to be done though until a court order has been issued... but that includes him paying child support to you. Perhaps you should consider Al-Alon meetings because the father's actions, or lack-thereof, will affect you and the baby in ways you'll never believe and you'll need coping skills to deal with him. Good luck and remember, do what's best for the baby, not yourself.

NEVER!!! As long as the babies father is a heavy drinker this child should never be alone with the father!!! Trust me I am speaking from experience. My ex husband had an addiction problem which he hid for quite some time. I came home to find my daughter crawling all over the floor by herself and him passed out on the couch completely unaware of what she could have gotten into. She greeted me by the back door which was next to a staircase which had a baby gate but he had left it open after coming downstairs from getting another drink.
My advice to you is seek legal advice and don't be afraid to make a stink with child protective services. Give your baby a chance at a normal healthy happy life. The babies father needs to get help before he can ever be a good parent.

Please, for the sake of your child, do NOT leave him alone with someone who has a history of drinking like your ex.
Not only could something bad happen to him, but YOU could
also get into trouble with child protective services. Trust me, this happened to a friend of mine. She let her
x take their 10 month old for a visit and he got stopped for a minor violation with her daughter in the car. The policeman then gave him a sobriety test and he failed! The police took the baby to CPS and the mom had to prove herself fit to even get her back! They said she endangered her baby by letting dad have her when she knew his history of drinking. Unless you have a court order, keep your little angel at home with mommy. You CAN do it! :-)

PS... a great source of comfort and support can come from a womans group at your local church. There, you should find kind, caring hearts and maybe even make a friend who would be a great, responsible babysitter...:-) just a thought.

M.- I have been a family law paralegal for a number of years, I'm not an attorney, so please don't construe the following with legal advice, it is just what I have witnessed after years in the biz. My first suggestion is to meet with an attorney and to work on getting some things set in stone- paternity, visitation, child support, reimbursement for some medical fees associated with the pregnancy. The attorney will be able to explain what normal visitation schedules are for children under 3 (differs from that of older children- especially when it comes to overnights for babies.) If you don't get along well with him now, that's not likely to change once the baby is born(although sucessful co-parenting will make a world of difference in your life.) Having set rules, boundaries and guidelines will really benefit you all in the long run. Call me at my office and we'll talk further ###-###-####. IF we can't help you, I will get you to someone who can.

NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. My best friend married an idiot, and he left soon after their son was born. He said he wanted to see his son, but they couldn't get along at all so they tried the visitation (unsupervised) thing. He was a drunk, but she made him swear he wouldn't drink with the baby around, but when she came to pick him up he was drunk as a skunk and parading the INFANT around to all his drunk friends at a bbq. Theoretically, if the baby is asleep, nothing should happen. But anything could happen, ANYTIME. What if he fell asleep with a cigarette and caught the place on fire, and forgot he had the baby because it's an unusual event? There's a million what-ifs, but the key is this: the safety of the baby is your job. Young babies wake up all night anyway, and need attention all night. (Every 3-4 hours?) Kudos for a man wanting to do his part as a daddy, but I'd suggest daytime visits and you pick him up by dinner time in the evening, especially on weekends, until he understands the new rules and agrees to them. Don't know him, so won't make judgements on whether that will happen or not. Letting your child and his dad get to know each other (important for both) is important, but maybe that would mean sucking it up and not fighting with him or defending yourself to him...it's not about the 2 of you, so maybe y'all could do something together, but if not, then see if he's responsible enough to take care of a baby alone (I don't know). Maybe his mom could be around as a superisor in visitation. But no to spending a whole night. Being a mom (protector) is not a popularity contest.

When will it be safe? The long and short answer: Never. If your baby's Daddy drinks every night, he is more than likely an alcoholic and needs treatment. Get your visitation, child support, and all other issues down on paper and have everything done up front, above-the-table, and done completely through the court system, as frustrating as that might be. It will pay in the long run, trust me. Don't ever put your child in that situation, either with his Daddy or some other man in the future. The news is full of little children and babies being abused and murdered by the baby's father, step-father or Mommy's boyfriend. You will soon find out after your little one is born that YOU are Baby's sole protector and no relationship with a man is worth your child, end of story. I know, you will want your own life...and you can have it again in 18 years. I don't mean to sound flippant, but most Mommas here know that all too well. You are about to begin a new season in life, and it ain't going to be about you, rarely ever. Listen to your heart...you will do the right thing.

Hi M.!
OH MY GOODNESS...i just read one of the responses and having sex before marriage is NOT the issue here!!!!! i'm sorry that people can be sooooo judgemental!!!!!

M.:

When your son's father can responsibly prove that he can care for your infant son, then leave him. Until then you would be puuitng your son in harm's way and at risk leaving him with a known alcoholic. Think about your role as hs mother, to love, nurture, guide and protect him until he can do it own his own. With GOD'S help, you wil make the right decision.

Love and blessings,
N.

Tough situation. Are you going to breast feed? If so, the baby will need to be with you overnight until around 6 months old (when he/she stops nursing at night). That's not to say you can't send a bottle for daddy, but you should try not to introduce a bottle before 6 weeks if you are nursing.

Other than that, you may need a 3rd party (not someone close to the situation) who can shed light on the ability of the father to take care of the baby. He may not like waking all night to feed the baby, which could be to your advantage. Maybe he's not as bad as you think - maybe he is! If you truly deep down feel that the baby would not be safe in his care, you can't let him have the baby unsupervised. If, however, he CAN take care of the baby, but maybe goes about it differently than you do...that happens if you are with the dad or not!

Good luck! You may want to start talking now about visitation, etc. Maybe ya'll can take a parenting class together (or at least the same parenting class but at different times) so that you both learn what it takes to care for a baby. That may help put your mind at ease. You could even say that he can keep the baby overnight as soon as he's completed the class - and that you are taking the same class before the baby comes (so that you don't seem like you know more than he does).

Good luck! Pray for guidance and wisdom!

I know from personal experience that in the state of Texas a child under 3 does not have to fall under the standard visitation schedule. You can request a revised visitation schedule which includes no overnight visits until the child is a little older. At 3 though the child will the fall under the 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend visitation schedule. I would advise you seek an attorney to make sure this gets put in place as soon as your son is born. Good luck to you.

NEVER. Sorry - but you asked. It's never safe for a child to be with someone who is drinking. That's something no child should have to face. Part of being the Mom is making hard choices that will probably offend someone at some point. If Dad really wants to be a part of his son's life, then drinking when the baby is around isn't an option - and he needs a GREAT baby monitor turned WAY up. There are just too many things that can happen and it's never worth the risk.

Best of luck!

Sounds like you already know the answer in your heart. It wouldn't be safe to leave a baby with someone that may or may not be able to wake up if the baby needed them.

Let him come visit the baby during the day and spend time with him then. He may not even want the baby overnite when he realizes just how much they cry. :-)

When I first read your question I was thinking of a different circumstance and my first thought was, baby can be away at any time as long as provisions are made. After understanding that there are trust and alcohol issues involved, my response is different. You should never leave your baby with anyone you don't trust to care for him/her. However, depending on the custody situation, you may have a legal responsibility to let the baby's father care for him. It sounds like the situation between you and the father isn't positive so it's important also that you never use the baby as manipulation or as a way to get back at the father. There may be further issues beyond the baby that you need to address and seek a healthy soulution for the sake of your son.

My heart goes out to you. It's so hard to mommy a new born, even with Daddy support. That said, I think your son will need to be past 2 years old before he can do sleepovers with his daddy. Can D take him for the day instead? Perhaps when he sees how much work a baby is in the daytime, he won't be as interested in night time visits. No one who drinks at night and/or sleeps hard can properly care for a baby. (People who have babies at home regularly don't continue to be hard sleepers.) God Bless!

I would have to say that the baby is ready when you are ready to let him. Although, I would not let my child stay the night with a heavy drinker at all even if it was daddy. Daddy has to sober up for a while with no relapses before I would let him take my child for the night. Also if you are nursing, this could be a good excuse to not let baby stay the night anywhere, or you would have to pump. I hope this helps, if nothing else than to give you the courage to stand firm.

Hi M.,
Cudos to the father for wanting to be a part of his son's life....however...A newborn is a great task. One that you need to be clear minded to take care of properly. A newborn wakes up 3-4 times a night and needs to be fed and diapered and comforted. If he is a heavy drinker at night and sleeps hard----well----to be blunt--How could he focus on taking care of the baby? I remeber this story in the news about a mom who was sooo drunk and she was nursing her infant and fell asleep and ended up rolling over on top of, suffocacting and killing her baby. Having an innocent life depend 100% on me was the main reason I got sober and figured out what was important to me.

Point being---maybe just day visits for daddy. JUST MY OPINION!

If he is a daily drinker and a heavy sleeper for the sake of your baby then NEVER. It is your job to protect that child at all costs.

This is from someone who grew up with an "every day drinker" as a father and trust me it's not fun. I was often put in dangerous situations and my Dad would always drive with us in the car while intoxicated. Even going to store to get more beer. I would tell your -x- that for you to feel safe with him having the baby, this needs to happen. No drinking on the nights he has him/her. For the sake of your child, he needs to clean up his act because if he wants to be in his childs life and be a good role model then he needs to change his priorities. Maybe he may need to go to a few AA meetings to see if he has problem. But thats not your place to tell him. You just need to take care of you and your baby and make sure yall come first. Let him earn your trust by the changes he makes.
It really worries me to think of an infant being the company of someone drinking heavy. The reason he sleeps heavy is because he is probably passed out from alcohol.

I would keep your visits supervised until he gets rid of this addiction of drinking.

I hope this helps.

W.

A daily drinker? Never is my opinion too.

If you are looking ahead for some time off, maybe think about grandma or another option. But I would not leave a child with someone who is not mature enough to clean up his life.

Honestly, I would say he shouldn't have the baby overnight anytime that he's drinking.

I think that the baby should be with the mother at night. I have nursed all of my children, and even though I am not in your same situation I think that it is unnecessary for the baby to be away at night. There are also other considerations like the father could roll over on the baby and suffocate him/her.