When and How to Tell My Son He Has Aspergers

Hi A.,

I am wondering if my son has aspergers.... how did you find out? What are the signs?

Thanks
V.

Wow, great question. I work with children that have this diability. I have found the sooner the better. If you talk to your child as if it isn't a problem but more of a gift he will respond in that same way. It would (in my oppion)be best if you instill a confidence about he's situation rather then come at it like a problem. He should know he's not the first and will not be the last. Although I understand that it seems this will hurt his feelings, you are his first defence from the rest of the world, and he will surly follow your lead. You may also want to do some reserch on others whom have excelled dispite thier situation. Reasure him that he is special. Remember, it is only a problem if you address it as one.

Me personally I don't believe that children should be labeled things. I would give him the each child is different and you are different in these ways....
My niece has Aspergers also. This is the talk we had with her. I believe when you start in with labels you are telling them they are defective. I don't believe this is what children need to hear. Every child is different in alot of ways. My daughter may be "Normal" but that doesn't mean she's like the next child. She may learn reading well but she may not learn math well. She might get along with boys well but not girls. She might work well in a group but not one on one. That's the same as your child. He may not work well with others, he has to have more separates attention. He may not work well with children maybe but better with Adults. He may have to be given complete directions where as some children don't they can fill in the blanks. But you know all children need these things also. The only REAL difference is his has a name and his list is longer. I think giving a name to if "If at all" needs to happen much later in his teen years and more so because he will be dealing with it more directly and will need to explain it to adults maybe at school. Good luck

This may not be very helpful, but my two cents... Also, I don't know much about this condition, so forgive me if the language is wrong.

I think that you just need to focus on talking about how everyone's brains work differently. Use comon examples, like, Mommy can't remeber things easily and likes to take notes or Daddy isn't good at following directions bur does better when someibe shows him how to do something. Auntie is really outgoing and likes to talk a lot, but Sister is really shy.

Then I would say some people are like him, whatever his "symptoms" are. Tell him that he and you are learning ways to help him deal with whatever those are. Ask him if he wants to know what it's called? He'll say yes and you can say "Aspergers!" And tell him that his doctor/therapist/teacher is an expert at Aspergers and so if he feels like something is particularly difficult for him, he can ask for help. I would certainly not say he is sick or has problems.

I really do believe we all do exist on a continuum - we all have different quirks and difficulties. Yes, he will have more and more obvious ones perhaps, but I would try to be inclusive and focus on the "we are all different" message and exagerate what he is good at - "I know you have trouble making new friends, but you are the best when it comes to taking care of animals" or "you have some trouble paying attention to books but you tell great stories." Focus on what he is good at and all the things he will be good at in his life tha the hasn't yet discovered.

Good luck, I bet this has been hard on you, but it may be easier than you think for him. Sometimes having an explanaiton is easier than just feeling different - feeling like ther eis somethings wrong can be scary.

---

Oh, and as to the WHEN? I would just not avoid talking about it. It is part of his life and I would just make it a natural part of things. It doesn't have to be one big scary and dramatic conversation. Just introduce the idea gradually over time. I sure don't feel he is too young, but he doesn't need every detail either. Tell him the basics and let him ask the questions. It is a good time to start teaching him to be proactive about his own healthcare, so invovle him to the extent it makes sense. Good luck.

Hi, A. - You've gotten some great answers so far, and I agree. Kind of like telling a child that they are adopted...it shouldn't be a big event, just part of normal conversation, so it is something they have always known, so to them, it is no big deal. Good luck!

I don't know if I would go into a long explanation of what is Aspergers', but I might use it as a time to teach him about how all people are different. There are some books in the children's section on noticing how we are all different. And, then I might ask him, do you feel like you're different? Well, we all have gifts that make us special. And then, I might teach him about some of his strengths and what makes him your special little guy. Doesn't mean that anyone is better or more unique. We all contribute something to society and it's up to us to choose to do good. Then show him things he can do and things he is still learning to do. And remind him that he can always come home and talk to his family when things get rough.

A.,
I agree with Rachel and Andrea's comments. I have a child with a central nervous system disorder. Everyone thinks he has autism but he doesn't yet the doctor's can't give me a true diagnosis because they don't know what it is. I would definitely highlight all of your son's positives and leave out the negatives. This life is normal for him. I don't think he really realizes that he is much different than other kids. 4 is a little young for that kind of abstract thinking. When he is ready and IF he does ask why he may be different I would explain to him that EVERYONE is an individual and EVERYONE is different. If God wanted us to all be the same we would be but God likes diversity! All kids are special in their own unique way and I bet your son has many special qualities.
For examply my son is extremely affectionate and I wouldn't trade that for their world! I know he has disabilities but at least I have a child who like to hug and kiss other kids instead of hitting, punching and biting. :) lol
May God give you strength during this trial.
D.

hi A.,
i wouldn't have a Big Conversation about it at all. it's just who he is, and talking about it and naming it should just come up as he initiates conversation about it, or it arises naturally.
like most things, being open to cues and straightforward with age-appropriate (and requested!) information seems to work best.
good luck!
khairete
S.

You don't have to make an event out of telling him. His being challenged with Aspergers is a fact of who he is, just like his hair color. He knows that he is different, so he will comment on this difference at some time. At that time, just mention that his brain is organized a little differently from some other people's, this difference has a name, and that it also means that he is a unique individual. Highlight something that is wonderful about him that is related to the Aspergers. Then tell him that he is a precious person and you would not have him any different. Then let it drop.

This is how I dealt with my son's being adopted and his dyslexia, and he treats both those issues as just something that is a fact of his life.