Fighing over Bday Party Theme W/ex Husband

My opinion is somewhat two folded :) First, as a single mom who has to deal with the ex ALOT, I would say that what type of b'day party you choose to have for your son (as long as it is safe) is up to you. It would be a cold day in you know where before I let my ex dictate how to celebrate my time with my child - he can do his own thing on his weekend with his family.

However, I do disagree with your party theme choice. Not because it is a toilet and I think that is "inappropriate" - in fact I think it is cute. As a mom to a kid on the autism spectrum, I am very familiar with the obsessions that our children get. My child is obsessed with video games - more specifically, video game characters. I used to "let it slide" that he talked about them ALL THE TIME, drew pictures of them, ready library books about them, etc. He also has Pragmatic Language Disorder, which means that if you are having a conversation on how the sky is blue, he will immediately start naming every one of this "characters" that are blue (they take one or two words and hone in on them and turn the conversation to their obsession). While his school and special ed teachers understand that this is part of his disability, the more I allowed this to continue, the worse he did at school. He had no friends (kids dx'd with autism lack many necessary social skills anyways) and couldn't concentrate on school work due to his constant obsession. 3 months ago, I decided to eliminate anything and everything in the house that related to his obsession - gaming systems, posters, cards, everything. He is allowed to draw his pictures only at certain times at school and if he even starts talking about his characters, he is immediately redirected. I figured if it didn't help, I could always go back to the way things were. It DID help. He is able to make it through the school day without completely obsessing about his pictures and his characters and has even chosen a library book recently that is about something other than his interest. With the help of the school social worker, he is working on how to "talk" to peers so that they will engage in play with him and has one "buddy" that will play with him. My son will never be like other kids . . . BUT I want him to be as successful as possible.

Long story short, your support of his obsession may be a bit like having a birthday party at a bar for a recovering alcoholic - just because he cannot help the behavior doesn't mean that we can't work towards him having control of it, rather than it having control of him.

Good luck no matter what you decide to do :)

I agree that it kind of depends on who's invited. If it's a smaller party with close friends and family who understand his interest and his issues, I think it would be ok. But if you're inviting school kids that your son doesn't know very well, I would be a little hesitant to go with this theme. I think it would open him up to a lot of teasing. And personally, the idea of eating a piece of a toilet-shaped cake is not at all appealing to me.

You could always do a smaller family toilet party for him and then a more traditional themed party for his friends. That way, you get the best of both worlds.

How funny, I am sitting here laughing at your ideas for party theme ideas, you have the gift of creativity. But to be honest if my kids were invited to your party and I came I would be literally appalled...LOL. Then again if I knew your little boy and how special he is I would totally understand.

What do the people who are testing him think, is it good for him for you to play into his fixations? Do they prefer you try and introduce other ideals to him? If so, then a birthday party that also combined something else might help too.

But, no matter what they think, tell the ex to plan his own birthday party and leave you alone.

Discuss your idea with your son's doctor. Accepting your child for who he is does not mean you have to accept every behavior. Personally, and because you asked for opinions, I'd back down, have a nice, totally unrelated theme, and allow your son to see and think about something different. But then, I've never really cared for "bathroom humor."

Hi- I like your attitude. Being laid back and not worrying what others think are such great qualities to have as a Mother. When my oldest was little she was obsessed with dinosaurs. She could name every plastic dino she owned and went around saying she wanted to be a paleantologist. Needless to say at 11 she could care less about dinosaurs. This focus is totally normal, it's just the thing your son has decided to focus on is a little different. I assume your ex doesn't have much experience with kids, sounds like not a lot even with his own son. Maybe point out to him that this is a phase that will run it's course but it's also a window into what raising your boy may be like. If he is a bit different this may be a little practice for what being his Father might entail. Your ex may not always feel comfortable with what your boy is interested in or the way he acts. His going to have to decide what he does about it and what kind of Father he'll be. One things for sure, you obviously put in the time and have earned the right to throw whatever type of party you want. Don't argue about it anymore, set a mutually convenient date and time, send your ex a tiolet shaped invitation and hope he shows up!

you could make it a "plumber" party ... plumbing tools etc. or add a plumber type element to the theme to appease your husband... I don't think people are going to make fun of or even remember the theme. Kids get invited to so many parties and if you make it fun they are going to love it. Kids love weird and strange things. I think it would be fun and funny! My friend's husband had his colon removed and he had a bye bye colon party. We had drinks that were theme related (Tom Colons instead of Tom Collins, Mud Slide) it was really funny and he appreciated the sense of humor.

I LOVE your ideas!! "Birthday Potty"... that is too good! I agree with everyone else, do what your SON would love, not "Joe." As a mom of three who recently graduated, kudos to you for going to school! It's just a birthday party, not something that will scar him for life. Your ex needs to lighten up!
and @ Diane - at least her son is potty trained and willing to go on the sucker! My three year old REFUSED to even sit on the toilet until six months ago. I had to teach my daughter that toilets were safe and CLEAN (at least I keep mine clean) and okay to use. It took a lot of persuasion and bit of bribery, but we finally made it. Toilets aren't gross, they are a necessity of modern living and I for one am damn glad I don't have to go outside in hole!

Dear K.,
First of all, I'd like to commend you on your sense of humor and creativity.
Second, let me assure you that the very "normalest" of little kids do some really weird things. My son was fascinated with vacuum cleaners and weed eaters to the 15th power. I had a friend visiting from out of town and we went to the mall. We entered through the Sears entrance and my son was not going anywhere until we spent some time letting him squat down and examine and investigate every weed eater in the store. He wanted to touch them and make the "wooweetah" sound. My friend said he'd never in his life seen a kid that would rather be in the gardening section than a toy store.
My nephew, God bless him, insisted on everything being about pink Power Rangers for a while. His dad was a little nervous about the "pink" thing, but he was 4. It didn't hurt a single thing for him to have a pink power ranger birthday cake. And slippers, etc. Heck, my daughter went through a phase on insisting on wearing her clothes backwards. I couldn't convince her to save myself that the tag was supposed to go in the back.
The kids are grown and we laugh about all this stuff now. Who knows? Your son may grow up and make lots of money as a plumber.
I personally think your ex needs to lighten up. My ex would have thrown a fit over something like this too which is why I'm glad I'm not married to him anymore. And guess what.....it's not HIS birthday party. You might need to remind him of that. I would do what you have planned and take lots of pictures. Have fun! That's what parties are supposed to be about.
I'm no expert by any means, but I'm not sure your son's "restricted interest" in the toilet is a signal there's anything wrong with him. He sounds like a fascinated and creative little boy to me. Creativity is awesome!
I wish you the best and hope you'll let us know how it goes.
P.S. There's been a recipe for "kitty litter" cakes circulating which kind of creeps me out, but I know lots of people who have made them. I just don't think you're being too far fetched.
Have fun!

I'm sorry, but this is a very bizarre idea and I must agree with your ex on this. He is just as much of this child's parent as you and I personally think you're overstepping the boundries by not respecting your ex on this.
I don't think you need to squash his obsession with toilets, but to make it a themed party is taking it too far. Seriously, is this what you want to remember for years? Maybe you can give your son a potty seat for his birthday.
I personally think this would be very embarressing from your ex's point of view and I would not want anyone to think I was part of it either!

I hope you think of your son's father and respect his ideas as well. Make a list of other themes and ask him to do the same and maybe you'll find one that you agree upon and he'll enjoy being there as well!

Good Luck!

I think that is awesome! It is your sons birthday and should reflect him and clearly a toilet theme does! You could try to take him to a party store and see if he wants something else but if he wants a toilet theme then I say go for it! Good luck!

First of all, congrats on presenting a very unique question! :)

This may sound negative (and I don't mean it to be), but if I brought one of my children to your child's potty party (LOL - love this in spite of myself) I would be put off and would have thought it was very strange.

I would also worry that other kids would remember this and tease him about it forever. On the other hand, it really depends on who is invited.

Regarding the ex - I wouldn't make parties sources of contention or it will NOT be fun for your child (he will pick up on the negativity no matter how much you try to hide it).

The above comments notwithstanding, I applaud your willingness to think outside the box!

My fiance works out at a camp for people with disabilities, a few of whom have aspergers as well. His advice is to go ahead and throw him the birthday potty. It is his special day and if it's absolutely imperative that he be redirected this should not be the day for that! My daughters are all obsessed with the Disney Princesses so guess what their theme has been for the past few years... exactly what made them happy. I can try to talk them into expanding their horizons any other day but that day is theirs.

It may be "weird", but if it is what your son loves than that is what his theme should be! My son loves pirates, so he will have a pirate party this year (even though his one grandmother is horrified by a young child loving such horrible people). It is not about "Joe", it is about your son, and your son loves toilets. Good for you for becoming so creative!

i agree with lots of the other ladies - you are an awesome mom! i love it :) here's a thought. this is your EX right? let him do his own party then! lots of kids with separated/divorced parents have two parties. of course if ex is still single then he probably wouldn't put out the effort - just complain about what you want to do.

bottom line i think it's great and i hope that your friends and family can have a sense of humor about it - you can incorporate it into the invitation so they are forewarned. if they have that big of an issue with it, they don't have to come. but in the end it's about your son - they can all kiss it! HAVE FUN!!

I have a cousin with mental delays (he's 23 with a mentality of a toddler). I say that anyone coming to the party will totally understand and love that you are doing what your son loves. Part of disabilities is to understand and adjust to who they are as a person, not who the world thinks they should be. My cousin love Prince & Michael Jackson. Our family constantly buys him their stuff, and he wears their costumes all the time. It's wonderful that he has an interest in something, just like it's wonderful that your son has an interest in toilets. If he had this obcession with cars, no one would think twice about throwing a car party!! Throw the toilet party and if your ex or his family doesn't like it then let them take him out for pizza or something. You are not obligated to have them at your party.

Have you even asked your son what he wanted for a party or tried to sway him in a different direction? Have you taken him to a party store and see if something else interest him? I am sorry but the thought of toilets grosses me out. I understand that this is something that your son shows interest in, however don't you think it would be in his best interest to try to redirect him and help him find another interest. Toilets are nasty and unsanitary, and what happens when he goes to a friends house, or a public restroom that is not sanitary do you really want him playing with them. At 4 how will he know the difference? What if his obsession was with guns, or knives wouldn't you try to distract him, or just let him be because it keeps him busy. I think this issue is more about fighting with your ex then anything. I am with your ex on this one, only because of the issue not because you should cave in. If you are the primary caretaker then yes you should have equal say, however Joe is his father and if this is really a concern why are you not taking his feelings into consideration. It is his son as well and there are many decisions you will be making in the future so why not try to compromise. You yourself said it is a bizarre theme so why would you want to continue encouraging this type of interest. Once he gets into school this obsession will cause him to be teased and made fun of by the other children.

You have to ask yourself 'is this about having a nice party for my son or is this about getting my way so his father doesn't?' Once you answer that you'll know what you should do. Is this just for family members or will his friend be attending? If friends are invited I think they'd get a kick out of bathroom stuff since potty talk is big for the 5 and under crew.

This is about your son and his birthday and his interests. I agree with so many others, let his ex do his own thing on his own time. For the people you invite that may not know all the details, just write on the invitations a birthday potty all about his latest interest, or something. Anyone with children will know that one thing is very important to them....for the moment. And people who aren't close to you probably won't remember. People who hold your son near and dear to their hearts to will probably be glad he has a mother so intune to him! and people who will be offended - have they never sat on a toilet?!?!?!

with you being the primary parent-go for it..i think it sounds like a blast...its to make the child happy right?? go for it

Your party sounds fantastic!!!

i know several Aspie kids... and their interestes DO change and develop over time. He's only 4 now... but his toilet intrerest may well move on into plumbing, which may then go into engineering, etc (aspie kids are also frequently gifted... aka 2e)... or it could be the swirling he likes and he might get into astrophysics... or the disappearing factor and get into something else entirely. BUT HE'S FOUR. A birthday-potty is utterly BRILLIANT.

If you XH has a problem with the theme, he can have his own theme'd party at his place. But this is your son, and the 2 of your party. Have at. Brilliant. & Very very kind of you.

K.,
Who is going to be at the potty party? (That started as a typo, but it was so cute that I had to leave it!) I would say 99% NOT to backdown from the theme...my only concern is other kids...does he go to daycare or K4? I would just hate to see the other kids make fun of him. Most adults would understand and play along, and some kids would think that it was cool as well...This is something that he is going to remember and probably think about every day! Do him this favor!!
Congrats to you for stepping out of the box and embracing your son for who he is. Other parents could learn a lot from you!
J. L.

I love how you have come to terms with your sons condition- and that you not only have come to terms with the condition but that you love him and support him through it. It does not sound like Joe has played as much of a role in his life so him coming to where you are on this may take a little longer. I also think it's funny that you call him Joe, it makes me think of Joe the Plumber!

Anyway, I agree with the other Mom's on the guest list. If it is classmates or friends - go with a plumber theme. That becomes a healthy way to include his obsession without leaving room for kids to make fun of him. The other kids will start to have an idea of what is normal and not so you don't want to leave him feeling odd. If you do go with the toilet theme- I keep thinking whoopie cushions for prizes!

Best of luck- and have fun! Which is sounds like you will.

I think you should go ahead as long as the Dr.s involved in his care think it is fine ot feed into this restricted interest. My nephew is diagnosed with Aspergers too, and he has had a few specific focused interests over the years. When he was little (6 -8) it was dinosaurs, then about 8-11 it was Pirates, epecially all of the Pirates of the Carribean movies and realted items, for the past 5 years ( he is 15 now) it has been guns and war - personally I would have preferred if my ILs would have encouraged the dinosaurs one more, and we could've skipped all the guns, war, death, stuff he is into now. They are very hands off with him, and they just let him take the interests where HE will, instead of trying to encourage a specific area....like, the war thing might be ok, if they encourages studying why it happened, and the historical part of it, but instead he is all about how many guns each ship or plane had, and how many people died in battle, and what kinds of guns thye used, etc. Personally, a little too violent for my tastes, especially with the lack of social skills.

Anyway, I would ask his Dr. or therapists about it, whether you should try to re-direct, and if they think it is ok, do it - like others said, if Ex-Hub doesn't like it , he can skip your party and throw his own - and just tell him the Dr.s said it is "good for him" or whatever.

Good Luck!

I love your b-day potty idea! SO creative, Just do it. You two are divoriced right? So if he wants something different, he can have his own party. I understand some parents want to make parties easier on the child by having both parents present at one party, but as life goes on, you meet different people, arguments arise over different opinions, ect. sometimes it's just healthier to do things seperate. But you are the mom of that wonderful child and you know the situation, not I. I just wanted to offer my 2 cents. There is a shared child in our home and we always do seperate parties, and for us, it really keeps the peace.
Good Luck!

You sound like a GREAT mom - who CARES ABOUT YOUR SON'S INTERESTS - not your own or your ex's. Awesome ideas you've already got planned. Keep with your plan. If your ex doesn't like it, he doesn't have to come. Oh and what about deviled eggs? - They kind of look like pottys.

Have fun. Don't stress that your ex is against it. It's not his bday party. He needs to understand that his son will love it.

I think its very creative! Although it isn't your "typical" interest, he is still young and kids at that age do obsess over toilet related issues. I love planning theme parties for my kids, and your ideas are very cute. I think it should be meaningful to the child. I know that these obsessive behaviors can limit their interests, but you have time to develop them and expand. It's like you said, it is no different than my son who's obsessed with Big Bird and wanting to watch the same episode of Sesame Street over and over. The only thing is that a Sesame Street party is probably more "accepted" by the world than a birthday potty - love that by the way. I think your ex needs to be more accepting of his sons interests and not worry about what "others" might think. Its not like its a poop party! I'm sure you have a great support network and friends/family that accept your son and his personality! Who knows, his obsession might save you lots of money if you ever have a plumbing problem!

Much luck to you ~ enjoy your potty!

I totally agree with everyone else. This is about your son and what he likes. Its his day. If he likes toilets, and that's his thing, then so be it. If he liked princesses and wanted a princess party, then do princesses...who cares what anyone else thinks! Very creative ideas btw.

I would do what is best for your child. According to his doctor, is it OK/good to allow/encourage his obsession, or would it be better to distract him with other things so that he may develop other interests?

I think that you are a great mother for throwing him a birthday party that he will absolutely love! You have come up with some great ideas for it as well! Your ex needs to come to terms that this is just the way your son is and if toilets brighten up his day, so be it! Don't throw him a "normal" party just to suit your ex. I think what you are trying to do for your son is just wonderful. Good for you!

Very cute and creative idea! Who cares what dad or anyone else thinks- it is not their birthday.... it is your sons birthday. So his party should be what he wants it to be. If he likes toliets- that is fine!
My friends son loves to dress up- something usually girls are into but he loves dressing up... sometimes as a transformer, robot, cop, spiderman, etc. other times as princess, witch, cook, diva, movie star, etc. So she had a costume party. Dad was able to talk him into dressing up as something boy-ish but if he had wanted to dress as a princess. That was ok with all of us. He is all boy though- just loves to dress up and pretend to be someone else. Will make a great actor.
Good for you for putting your sons interests first. And be thankful you are so creative. I would never have thought up the things you have thought up. If dad doesn't want to attend the birthday potty -by the way I saw a card that says something like with a toilet on the front when shopping for my sons card (in CVS not sure what card company)- then he can throw his own party.

My oldest daughter may have Aspergers as well, but we're unsure at this time.

I think your party idea is pretty cool for the most part - and that your ex needs to lighten up a little.

The only thing that struck me as a bit too far out was the toilet-shaped cake. I can't imagine anyone really wanting to eat something like that. ^.^' (I suppose breaking open a toilet pinata might be a bit much, too. How about a toilet paper roll?)

I agree with the poster who suggested to turn it into something like a "plumber" themed party. You could still keep your invitation idea ("It's a Birthday Potty!") and then expand on it a bit so its not centered around the waste collection unit.

I think the theme is great and kudos to you - Mom - for supporting your son's interests, no matter how different they are. Do what you feel will make your child have a happy and memorable birthday!

Remember this is your EX. If he does not want to come, he does not have to. He can throw his own party. You are a great mother for throwing him a birthday party that he will absolutely love! Your ideas are sooo creative! Don't throw him a regular party theme just to suit whoever.

WOW!!!! DO NOT BACKDOWN!! your son would LOVE it!! you have GREAT ideas too! i think you should continue with your idea, as it is your sons party and him being happy is whats important!! Good Luck and Have Fun!!

I think this is great! Good for you for allowing your son to have his interests and supporting him in it. I love the creativity in your "potty" ideas. Stick to your beliefs, because you are doing it in your son's best interest.
good luck
A.

It's your SON'S birthday, not anyone else's. If he likes toilets, I say go with the toilet party. It's not like you're inviting strangers, right? In theory, everyone that comes to this party is already going to know that your son really digs the potty and will totally get it. If you have anyone coming that doesn't know that just tell them in advance, look, he loves the potty - we're having a potty party!

My parents were divorced my entire life. They always threw separate parties - one for his side, one for hers. It was better for everyone. They didn't like each other so they were happier, and being around them both stressed me out even when I was really young so I was happier. I always loved it because I had two parties!

Would your ex consider doing that? If you proposed separate parties I'd just make sure you did it nicely... not because he's not wanting to do a toilet party. Maybe just say you know, would this work better for our son to have us both do our own?

I think the Birthday Potty theme is funny and caters to your son's unique interests. Don't let other people make you think it's strange. He's your boy, you know what he likes, make his birthday party about him and enjoy the day!

i would do the toilet party. "joe" needs to come to terms with how his son is, and IMO, since you have sole custody, "joe" doesn't really even have a say in what you do for your son. If it will make your son happy and give him a great party, i don't see why you shouldn't do it for him! good luck!

Hello Joe. Your ex-spouse is there, you are Not so stuff it. Are you even coming to the party? And how do you think your child is handling this separation hopefully well. The chlid has to deal with that TOO. And with disablities it harms them not to see healthy interaction and real interaction when older how people interact and especially with kids with Aspergers! They need to see Role Models as they lack the common sense part of the brain to develop Social Skills no matter how Hight their IQ is. Asperger kids often have higher IQs and is part of why they are considered in the high end of the Autism Spectrum. The idea of morphing this idea into a Plumber Potty could be cute and help with this conflict but if feel what you did will work fine with the other families and I would Call the parents before they come there if you dont know them well to let them know your chlid's special need. Most will embrace him not let their kids tease him later because everyone has some difficulties they are presented with in life to overcome. the reason kids with Aspergers with higher IQs focus on one topic so much and become experts at it is: (from what I know) This is their way of dealing with the world They See and how they can interact with it. They feel if they get so good at a topic others can share in it with them and it lets them avoid the Social interactions they have trouble with. But your role is to model for him or find another child that is socially adept at that age to be his friend so he can model at such a young age and learn before 2nd grade how to deal with the Classroom. Our personnel experience: Our chlid Was just a little delayed in standing on one foot, spelling words, writing (she is left handed) etc and in 2nd grade a Doctor finally diagnosed ADHD. But then in Fouth Grade the School Pschologist did tests because the child is a Girl and they are missed for Apsergers all the time and seen as Shy just. So NOW She gets finally social skills support in School. You should also contact the LDA center in Golden Valley, MN who can be very helpful probably on suggestions about the spouse issue as they have seen so many kids and taught them over the years in week to month long programs and also could refer you to experts to really confirm what it is possibly the issue. Does the spouse have such LD or you or another relative. Many adults did not get diagnosed with Aspergers! Till recently! Here is some books to look at for now and later: :Parents Guide to Children with Aspergers and101 more life skils games for Chlidren, You are doing the best you can do and should be commended for you efforts. Can't say much for Joe the Uncle. But is good to try to include Joe too. (if can) Tell him to reconfigure the party as a Plumber part if he does not the Potty Party. Is He coming to His Child's Birthday Potty? And yes it is cute.

as a parent the best we can do is to make sure our kids are safe and happy. with saying that i say go ahead and throw the birthday potty. it is what he will enjoy. and it is his day to do whatever he whats. great ideas by the way. Good luck and happy bday to your little one

Hi K.-
My opinion is that since you know what your son likes you should go with your idea! I also have a son (who is now 6) for which I have sole custody and his father rarely sees him. I know that I would not change my plans at all. I think it was extremely caring and thoughtful of you to roll with your sons' quirks and come up with a theme for which he will enjoy. Good luck!
J.

Go for it! People with Asperger's have trouble making social connections, and one of the best ways to build bridges with them is to go with THEIR interests until they develop enough flexibility to sometimes go with yours. I celebrate your willingness and your creativity. The Autism Treatment Center of America would also cheer you on.