What Would You Do If You Found Out Your Partner Cant Have Kids?

If my husband or myself were unable to have kids we would have adopted or fostered.

ETA: If one of us already had two kids we would just concentrate on raising those two kids.

We would have been perfectly happy without. Would never have considered fostering, adopting or doing infertility treatments. You do already have two. What would you think of a man who would consider leaving you if you couldn't have any more?

I will probably get "booed" for saying this, but please do not adopt. Consider and exhaust all other avenues, and then count your blessing that you already have two children. Adoption ruined our lives, our marriage (which we were able to put back together), and financially devastated us. We are not the only family who adopted that is in this position by far. Not only did it ruin our lives, but the lives of my biological girls and hurt our relationships with them. I would never, never consider this to be an option. Please at the very least, do research failed adoptions and visit online support groups for folks in our position. Believe me, there are thousands of us in this position.

Thank you for your consideration and best of luck no matter what you decide.

Ask yourself this question. Would you leave him if he were in an accident and lost the ability to father a child? Or if God forbid, he had cancer and had to get treatments that left him sterile? If the answer is yes then you need to find out and move on. If it's a no and he loves your children like his own, consider yourself blessed. You already have two wonderful children so I wouldn't throw away a good relationship because you couldn't have a third.

What jumps out at me is that the topic of marriage has not been mentioned between you and him or the previous relationship he was in.

If you are not married then he probably isn't very ambitious to want to get checked out. A man who won't jump through the financial hoops to tie himself to a woman is usually not the type to rush to find out why he can't have children.

Just sayin'.

If you are not married to this man then I would jump ship if you are wanting to have kids and he is not going to figure out if he can or can't. You mention being "devastated". That is a huge red flag to me that you have gotten emotionally and physically intertwined with a man before you got on the same page about a lot of life's important decisions.

If you are married then look into adoption as you continue to try to conceive.

I think you should fall to your knees and thank God that you found a wonderful man that loves you AND your kids as much as he does!
Are you even married yet?
If your relationship is wonderful in every other way, I think you need to accept that this MIGHT be reality.
And you don't even know yet.
Nothing's been tested, etc.
IF you & he decide you definitely want another child you can adopt, try in vitro, etc.
You're putting the cart before the horse and assuming things.
Knowledge is power.
Get your facts first, then go from there.
You start out saying you didn't think you wanted more kids then end by saying you've always loved kids and would love to have more. Huh?
Do you even know for sure?
I agree it's baby fever.
Calm down and be rational!

Please be very careful. I was "blamed" for not being able to have children in my first marriage. It was awful. I wanted children badly. I went through years of infertility issues and all the roller coaster of feelings that goes with that. A few years later we divorced.

Enter my husband now. Precious man. I was very up front with him about my infertility issues because I was NEVER repeating that again. He said what you said to your husband. I was never so happy. 7 years later, I had what I believed was a bladder infection. She was born 7 months later and I was in bed my entire pregnancy because of a blood clotting issue. He couldn't have been more supportive of me and is the best dad ever.

Having infertility issues is very, very hard. If he has fertility issues, there may be help for him. What's more important is what's in front of you right now. You have a wonderful husband who loves your kids as his own. Your cup is full. Please don't miss the blessings in front of you because you're focusing on what you wish you had instead of what you have.

Blessings!
L.

What would I have done if I couldn't get pregnant with my DH? We would have adopted.

But, this is not really your problem. Your problem is that your DH doesn't really seem interested in having more kids. If he did, he would get checked out so that if he has an issue, you could discuss alternatives like ICSI, adoption, etc. And he already said it - he's fine with your family as-is, because he sees your kids as his. So, the question I ask you is this - when are you going to have a serious discussion with him to explain how important this is to you and be ready to really hear what he has to say (even if it's not what you want to hear), so you can make some peace with this.

It's not clear but if it were me I'd make sure I was married before I got pregnant with anyone.

However, I was (am) in your situation. I had 2 kids ages 7 and 4 with my ex when I met my now husband. He had (has) a 10 yo at the time. She has permanent brain damage from shots when she was a toddler so she is disabled. She's his only bio-child.

I was 40 when we met, 7 years older than him. I knew almost immediately that we were going to be married. I had 2 difficult pregnancies and births. My daughter was born with a heart condition and I had complications both time. Also, if I were to have another one, there would be more than 5 years between the baby on my son and the others were all 3 years apart. We also liked the fact that our ex's had the kids on the same weekends so we had NO kids every other weekend, which was really nice.

So all that to say, I have been in your place and decided NOT to get pregnant because of several reasons but mostly because he was so good to my kids and HE was ok with not having another. So if I were you and you couldn't have a child with him, no big deal. Especially since he doesn't seem to be bothered by the idea of not having his own child. Good luck.

Try not to put the cart in front of the horse.

First things first. Has he made a commitment to you--ring on your finger, wedding date set, etc.? What are your thoughts on marriage?

If you couldn't have any biological children with him would you be the kind of mother who could welcome an adopted child with just as much love and joy as you do your biological children? Would he be that type of father?

If he can't father any children will you resent him down the line when you want more babies but he just can't do that for you?

Honestly, in a truly committed relationship, we would deal with it. We had fertility issues. we were both checked and it turned out tio me my issue (PCOS without cysts). We now have 5 kids--2 of whom were a surprise. My niece tried IVF after finding she also has PCOS. They have signed up for adoption and are waiting.

I think we may have chosen adoption or we may have just decided to not have children. I cannot say for sure. But it was never a deal breaker or a "then I am outta here" type thing.

On a side note: My husbands brother was married for 5 years or so to a woman who supposedly got herself checked because they used nothing and no kids. The doc said she was perfectly fine and it must be him. Well. they split, and he ended up getting his girlfriend pregnant when they were together only 2 months. Sometimes it just takes time to hit. My 7 yr old is 9 yrs younger than my oldest. It might be a good idea to check his count just to see and give peace of mind.

I have two kids and my husband has two. I could not have anymore and there was a time when I was kind of sad about that (even though I consciously made the choice at the time). It's natural to want that bond with your spouse and to see who they look like and what traits they get from each parent, but you can have a wonderful relationship without it too.

Your partner sounds like he is perfectly content with your two children and you have to decide if that's going to be enough for you or not.

It does matter how long you've been trying. You could mention it to your OB, because he/she can give you an idea of whether or not you've really been trying for a long enough period of time and talk to you about what to do at this point.

You mention that you want another child. Does your partner want more kids? You don't say "husband." Is your relationship ready for a child? (Not trying to be judgmental, but it is something you want to be sure about.)

What if he cannot have kids? Do you still want to be in a relationship with him? If you aren't sure, then maybe you aren't sure about the relationship? If you aren't sure about the relationship, you probably don't want to have kids with him.

Personally, I'd be talking to my partner about his wants. The two of you need to be on the same page.

You have someone who loves your kids, who could ask for anything more? Would you like someone who can have kids and doesn't love your kids?

What if you talk him into going to get checked and he picks up a stronger desire to have a baby, only to find out that this whole time it was you? Would you be devastated if he was ready to leave you after that?

I think you have a pretty good thing going on...be happy with that.

I would talk to him seriously about kids and if he wants them or you do, and if so what avenues are you willing to take? If you think it's time to really start trying, then schedule a visit with your GYN to talk about your own fertility. If it's not you, then it might be him and you need to find out what he's willing to do...or not. My own DH agreed to do the VR and maybe IUI but not IVF. Everyone has their limits.

If we could not have children on our own, and he did not want to do IVF, then would you be OK with no children together or would he be OK with adopting? This is a conversation you and he should not sidestep.

Honestly, the problem may not even be him, it could be you. Should it be a dealbreaker to him if that's the case? Ask yourself just how much you both really value each other, not just your babymaking potential.

If you've found a "keeper," you're invested in that person 100 percent.

There are so many kids around the world needing loving homes. We have very close friends who adopted who have found immeasurable joy in that decision. There are also infertility treatments that can help. You aren't out of options for expanding your family.

I agree with him. If you actually start trying, begin that process with a physical exam for both of you. It may very well be a simple and easy fix. There's no sense in getting yourself worked up over something that may not even be an issue.

That said, if my husband and I couldn't have any more kids? That's okay. We have a wonderful blended family and are very happy.

well, it sounds as if YOU have changed. you went into the relationship telling him that if it didn't you'd be fine, and now you're 'kinda devastated' not to be pregnant yet.
in your shoes i'd be thrilled to have 2 kids and a great guy, and i'd tell him i was ready to try for another baby and that i'd like him to get checked out. if indeed he's shooting blanks, there are other avenues, right?
khairete
S.

Start trying now and see a fertility specialist.
They'll evaluate you and him and see what issues are in the way of conceiving a child.

It's hard to answer this because I'm not sure where you are in your relationship.

If he was young and naïve trying to get a woman pregnant before and you're not committed, but having unprotected sex ...

I think I would just say stop and hold off for now, until you know where this is headed, what you both want, etc. You don't sound sure of him (if you're debating this) so put baby plans on hold I would say.

Good luck :)

Everyone has things that are deal breakers. Is having another child one of your deal breakers? If it is then you need to be honest with yourself as you evaluate your current relationship.

I think that IF a person wants kids and their loved one can't have one or doesn't want one, then that is a deal breaker. Not to sound harsh.. BUT , I think if the desire to have kids (could even mean adopting or fostering) is there and the other person doesn't want them... then it's a fundamental difference... and in the long run, UNLESS the person who wants kids has truly come to terms and is truly at peace with not having any, then this will only breed resentment... I have seen this happen over and over .... so IF you really want another child, assuming that you, yourself can have one as just because you were blessed with two doesn't mean it will happen again, then I think your decision to stay with this person should really be considered... Some will think it harsh to breakup with a person because they don't want kids, but again, to me, it's a fundamental truth within ourselves.. either you want them or you don't.. for some, it's up there with religion/spirituality in that if a person is as such, often, although not always, the person may want to be with someone who shares in similar beliefs.. same goes with careers/jobs... If for example you are career driven, some people prefer a partner who is of similar motivation.. the lists goes on.. kids are one of those things where IF a person truly wants them, to settle in not having them, I just think it's a recipe for disaster... some things can be negotiated.... I am not really sure this is one of them..